Here we go............

So today I plan on going grocery shopping to make sure I have all the diet foods I need in the house. However I still have the small problem of that I don't know what my diet plan is going to be.  I told DH the other day that I could eat cake every meal and lose weight if I was sticking to the calories. That is the thing is that all diets out there really work if you stick w/ them long enough and do them exactly as they say.   I have so many different diet plans going on in my head and so many horrible thoughts and things I associate w/ them.  How to change my thinking?  I think of having to diet and I think all negatives; failing, restrictive, missing out, unfair that I can't eat things, how cranky I am going to be, how I can't stick with it, missing foods I enjoy, caffein headache, to much time to prepare, hate cooking at home, no eating out, I'm hopeless, no point in trying, and the list keeps going on.  With all these thoughts that hit me every time I think about trying to get in shape & lose weight. No wonder I can't seem to get it together.

So It is now later in the day we went grocery shopping and I forgot my list at home. So I didn't get food for my diet.  I am so tired of feeling defeated all the time.  I am still going to try to start tomorrow. I have a slightly different schedule next week because of the holiday.  My regular schedule only gives me a 1/2 hr lunch but this next week I'll have an hour lunch so I am planning on using that to get an official meal plan figured out.  I know if I eat eggs and fruit for breakfast, then almonds and fruit for snacks, salad w/ protein for lunch then I just need to get dinner figured out.  Now am I starting the Advocare cleanse tomorrow?  I have such mixed feelings about it. I don't want to cause it isn't fun or easy BUT i feel like I could really benefit from a cleanse my body is full of crap.  SO I guess I need to get up early tomorrow so that I can drink my cleanse and eat my breakfast, pack my lunch. At least there is still no school tomorrow so I don't have to worry about getting DS1 ready for school in addition to it.

So as much as I dislike counting calories I think that is going to be part of my plan. I am going to try  to eat as clean & organic, trying to stick to whole grains for my starches.  Try to have lean protein and more veggies than I like. I am going to do the Advocare cleanse and take the vitamins after that. I will only weigh in once a week. I am going to try to stay off the scale in between. I am tempted to try to weigh in every 10 days because of the cleanse or maybe do day 1, day 10 then every week after that.  Must have a reward every 10 days regardless of weight loss. This reward is for keeping to the plan.  I will wear my body media band and input my calories on the Jillian Michaels website I already subscribe to.  I will also have my weight rewards in addition to my 10 day rewards. The 10 day rewards are just to get me thru the first 30 days.  I still need something to push for for the first 10 days.  Also I want to drink a min of 8 glasses of water but my goal is 1/2 my weigh in oz so 90oz of water a day.

So lets recap the plan:
-1200-1500 calories a day w/ a 1000 calorie deficit a day
-Eat whole grains, lean protein and lots of fruit a veggies.
-Doing the Advocare 10 day cleanse and vitamin packs
-Imputing calories and plugging in my arm band nightly to Jillian's website
-64-90oz  of water a day
-Once a week weigh ins
-20 mins of walking 3 times a week on my treadmill for the first 30 days, then I will up it. Right now I    just need to make a habit of moving and exercising.
-Rewards every 10 days for first 30 days,
-Weight loss rewards for ever 5% loss

So it is any one diet, not really. It will be close to Advocare's but not exactly. The healthy eating is basic knowledge along w/ calories in & out.  The key for me is going to be staying motivated. To keep moving forward. To fight the urge to eat junk and candy.  I know it may sound cheesy but I think I am going to make a paper chain to count down my 30 days and write inspirational words on them. I want to take each ring off in the morning as a way to help motivate me as well to succeed for that day.  Wish me luck, tomorrow is the day. I can't believe how scared & nervous I am.

The fear & what if's

Laying in bed last night tossing and turning.  Trying to figure out why it is so hard to do this.  And it is the constant fear and what if I fail, what if we need to go out w/ friends, what if it doesn't work.  The fear is so debilitating.  This morning I got up and have no official plan. I ate eggs and fruit for breakfast and a lean pocket and grapefruit for lunch.  It isn't perfect but it's better than not doing anything.  I keep on thinking about a prepackaged meal plan so I just don't have to think but this wouldn't help my relationship w/ food.  The problems w/ the prepackaged foods are they are low in calorie because they are processed and they have bars, snacks and all the stuff to fill your habits. So you aren't changing your habits you are simple swapping different foods for the ones you normally eat but they are still filling the need for that type of food.  Which I think well at this might be needed for people can't change and maybe I am to that point where I need to eat processed crap because it is better than being fat & unhealthy.  I don't know..................

Still not sure what to do

Didn't start today. Woke up weighed in at 182.8. I'm not surprised at that at all. I was kind of expecting it and I am now even more unsure of what to do and feeling more and more panicked about it.  I was looking at what my future holds if things don't change and it is; type 2 diabeties, dentures, depression, anxiety, low sex drive, low self esteem, winkles and living in constant pain and exhaustion.  Everyone on my dad's side has type 2 diabeties. My dad and my uncle have both lost most of their teeth after years of no cavities. My dad just got complete top dentures and can finally eat again. While I sell the best skin car in the world I don't make time to use it everyday  and if that isn't a priority I will end up wrinkly. And walking to and from my car at work which includes some stairs has me out if breath and my body has random  aches all the time.  I just want to aka sure I am set up for success and I feel so sick almost everyday I am afraid to start something new and taking vitamins and such. Right now I feel very nauseated and there are so many flus going around that I stress cause if I get it that  means the rest of the house will probably get it.  However I look also at my BIL and his family his kids and him always seem to have some kind if flu. I kid you not every time we see the w/ in 25 hrs someone is puking or had a fever and I don't think it is possible to have the flu that often. DH and I are 99% sure they all suffer from some food allergy and that is what is causing the reactions. So with that logic I ow the fact that I do 't feel well isrobw ly more to do with being unhealthy than having a flu.

I so desperately want to start tomorrow and get going and in the same breath I am scared and feel unprepared still. 

All this research isn't helping.....

I have been researching and researching. Trying to find the perfect combination of things for my diet that I want to start tomorrow. I've looked at Advocare's 24 day challenge, medifast prepackaged food program, LA weight loss at home, weight watchers, carb cycling.......... STOP IT!!!  My mind is just going on and on about options. What diet should I follow? Should I get a personal trainer? I am borderline terrified to start this time around and I'm not sure why.  Is it the fear of failing again? Is it because if feels so final this time, like this is it, I am really going to change my life and I am not fond of change?

I am afraid to step on the scale and see my starting weight.  I've been eating A LOT!!  I am sure I am at least at my highest of 181 or maybe a little higher.  We didn't make it to the grocery store so I am not even prepared to start tomorrow like I've been planning.  I am not sure if I should just go w/ it and eat what I think will be good tomorrow. I think I have at least one day of diet food in this house. But dinner could be tricky.  If I could get through tomorrow then I could buy myself until Saturday to go grocery shopping and finish my meal plan.  But then do I start the Advocare cleanse or just start taking vitamins??  I really fell like I should do the cleanse cause I feel sick 90% of the time. I mean my body feels like it is begging me to stop eating junk and crap.  I am always tired and finding more aches and pains daily.  My XL clothing isn't fitting. So do I jump in w/o a plan or do I wait another day to fine tune my plan and figure out what I am going to do.

It comes down to the fact that there is no one plan that gives me everything I want.  I want my plan to include set meals w/ less options (at least until the bad habits are broken), eating as clean and organic as possible, use my body media arm band, track what I am eating w/o tracking calories.  Calories have always stressed me out. I can eat healthy all day & find out I am way over my calories.  The problems w/ what I want is if I am not tracking calories wearing my arm band is pointless because I won't be able to see my calorie deficit. Prepackaged food would b a great way for me to have set meals w/ less options but then they are very processed and then I am not eating clean or organically. I keep going back to the Advocare thing cause it tells me what to eat but it is kind of like the LA weight loss. Eat a protein and a complex carb for this meal.  To use my body media band I will have to input what I ate and that will put the calories attached to it. I am stressing my self out about this.  I feel like if I don't start tomorrow I've already failed but the reason I am researching so much is because I want to set my self up for success by making sure it is something I can stick to & I haven't even figured out my goal for completing my first 10 days yet.

Disneyland & my 34th birthday is only 9 weeks away.  *sigh*  

Merry Christmas!!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  My amazing DH got me a diamond infinity ring for my right hand. We've been looking at infinity symbol rings since our 10 year anniversary. I love him and what this ring means to both of us.  My boys are playing hard w/ the gifts they got and we still have one more celebration to go tonight.  We video taped all of last night and this morning and I made sure I was just present, not adjusting my clothing not moving out of the way of the camera.  I haven't watched the videos yet but I wasn't hiding in them either.

I am getting really nervous about my 30 day challenge I am setting up for myself to start in just 2 short days.  I work tomorrow and the next day but I am so concerned that I will not be able to succeed.  I still don't have a good reward for completing my first 10 days. Tomorrow work will be busier than it was yesterday but I plan on it still being slow enough that I can plan out my meals & snacks.  My jaw has been hurting for the last 2 days and DH says he wants me to go to the dentist because I may need a root canal or something. Not my idea of fun and I think to my self of course I need something like that because I am trying to diet and when stuff like that happens it makes me think it is a valid excuse cause I can't eat certain foods then.  So the whole idea of that stresses me out.  I am to easily stressed.

Lots still to do to get ready for tonight some presents to finish knitting. So I'll write again tomorrow about my plans and prep for my 30 days.

Christmas Eve Eve

It is the day before Christmas Eve!!  Christmas Eve has always been my favorite.  When I was a kid it is when we opened all our presents. Santa only brought stockings never presents. DH grew up in a house where it was the opposite. Everything on Christmas morning. So we've decided that Santa brings a presents and stockings but DH even makes me wait to open our presents for Christmas Day.  This year is a little different because we are going to DH's family tomorrow instead of mine & then mine on Christmas Day for dinner so we will have all Christmas morning and early afternoon at home. I have to admit that will be nice.

DH had a dream the other night that we were some kind of fitness fanatic family.  He said that I was running on my treadmill in the morning then he went for a bike ride and then I was like ok it's family yoga time and we all had Yoga mats and did a yoga video in he living room. He said he then was thinking about how we could probably all do family yoga together and that the boys would probably love it.  It would be a little crowded and it was hard to picture DH doing yoga, LOL!  Truth be told there would be no work out during the day at home, that couldn't be done w/o the boys.

My BFF and her DH were over for dinner the other night & I said something about my blog and she was surprised that I had one. I said yep I've had it for 3 years w/ no results except weight gain. She thinks I should publish it. I told her I still want to keep this unpublished until I start having success but that I am tracking everything the good, bad & ugly.

It's the most wonderful time, of the year.....

The Christmas season has always been my favorite.  It is just shortly after midnight & I just wrapped the majority of presents.  I love the spirit of the season and so thankful for the Reason for the Season.

As I've said before, I decided to be in the pictures. So I booked & took our family pictures even w/ no weight loss and I want to be in the home movies this year w/o those awkward moments were you see me trying to hide my tummy or chin.  Gift giving is my love language and truly, there is nothing more I love than giving someone the perfect gift. I am super excited about some of the gifts I am giving this year. We went a little overboard & got the boys their own iPads minis and they are going to freak out! I got my Mom a Coach purse cause she deserves it and I am knitting this shawl/cowl for my niece that I think she is really going to love.

 I am so uncomfortable in my own skin and my stomach is starting to sit between my legs when I sit criss cross apple sauce(as my 1st grader would say).  My weight & size has been effecting my enjoyment of my favorite things like Disneyland & Christmas for years because of the pictures & videos.  It is not fair that I have been allowing this to happen for so long.  And with each year I've gotten bigger, making it more difficult each year to look past it. The family pictures of me I posted, are not hiding my double chin but I can say I went in and that is my real smile, a little crooked & a twinkle in the eye. :-)  My first goal before any weight loss goal is go be a joyful in all the pictures I am in this holiday. Not to hide but to be in the picture and be present, enjoying my favorite holiday to the fullest.

Planning rewards...

So I told DH today that I am planning on rewards and I think tat for the first 30 days I am going to have a reward for every 10 days I stick to my diet.  He said he didn't think it was a good idea because then I need to be honest & if I didn't stick to my diet every day then I don't get my prize where I could still have lost my goal pounds. He still is a strong believer of everything in moderation and that you can have the french fries if you get right back to it the next day.  I told him that he always tried to validate cheating for me.  When every I want to eat something not on my diet he validates it for me, mainly cause he wants me to be happy and it is true that you can have everything in moderation. But I am not at that point.  I need to be free of all non diet food for at least 30 days. So that I can create the new habit & break the old ones. So I am setting up a prize for every 10 days for the first 30 days and hopefully this will help me make it thru each 10 day period.  I don't have one for the first 10 day mark which is the cleanse so I need it to be something good.  the 20 day I put buy a new sports bra (one that actually fits & supports) & at 30 days I put new running shoes. Still have to come up with something I really want for the first prize.  Think, think, think.........

Family Picture Day.

Well we did it. Family pictures. I tried to prepare myself for them but it still was hard not to wince as I saw them. I really had thought maybe I could take one that isn't so terrible. Maybe they will have good angles & I will not have that bad of a double chin.  Well I've gotten to the point where that is no longer an option. People say that the pics turned out really good and I can see my smile behind those chubby cheeks but it really isn't me.  Not the me I am inside & want to be.  Thank God my husband loves me just as I am but I know it would improve our relationship, if I lost weight.  Mainly because of my confidence.

Anyways, So back to needing a plan. I talked to DH about my 30 day plan and how I think I am going to limit my options as well. Every time I've lost weight it has been allot of repeat eating. So like I eat grilled chicken and broccoli every

    night for dinner. I need my choice taken away for the first 30 days. He is on
board and understands that if I need this he will eat the same thing as I do as many days a week as needed. I talked to him about GreatWolf in the middle of my 30 days and he doesn't think we need to pack the Foreman grill but I just need to make myself order grilled chicken.  I have to look at the menu and see if that will work.  So start date is officially Friday Dec 27th.  I have over two weeks to plan it comes right after payday so meal planing will be done. Yet to be decided is how to start. If I am going to do the 10 day cleanse or if I am going to just do a two day juice, or if I will just start counting calories. I feel like I need to do something at the start to get a clean break.  I've never completed the Advocare 10 day cleanse and I think that is why I shy away from it but I feel like a 10 day break would be a better start than just a 2 day juice and I plan on using Advocare vitamin packs. I need to psych myself up so I can make it through the whole 10 days. It isn't any super strict diet just whole grains no processed flours or sugars. So I can have potatoes and I was thinking about boiling up a weeks worth to put in my lunches so I can not feel like I am missing out on carbs. I have allot that I need to do in the next 2 weeks. Not just to make sure everything is in order for my diet, getting up early (this means putting an alarm clock across the room), get my house in order and cleaned, stuff knitted and wrapped for Christmas. So much to do but it'll be worth it if I can get this all under control once and for all.

21 days to make a habit but 28 days to break one

I came across an interesting think on pinterest that says it takes 28 days to break a bad habit.  This may help me understand why even when I hit 3 weeks of dieting I still can royally screw it all up the next week.  So lets say for 21 days things have been going great I've been dieting not losing a ton but staying positive.  Then on say on day 23 I have an emotional break down of some kind I turn to food thinking oh well I've been good for 3 weeks and it's getting easier now to eat healthy. Then the bad habit takes over.  So I really need to shoot for that 30 day goal. By then I should have created the new good habits and then given the old bad habits a chance to die.

Advocare has the 24 day challenge which is close to 30 days past the 21 and only 4 to the habit breaking day. But when do I start this? It is Dec 11th so starting this in the next 2 weeks is going over the holidays.  Is it possible maybe if I skip some of my favorite Christmas foods. But then starting w/ the new year sounds like I'm doomed from the start.  Part of me thinks I shouldn't delay another day I should start NOW.  Then I have that side that tells me waiting a couple weeks isn't horrible.  But if I put off starting my diet I don't want to treat it like a free for all and gain even more weight.

I am to the point where I just want to cry.  As the year end is coming I am reflecting on all the things I haven't accomplished. I don't think I reached any of my goals for the year. NOT A SINGLE ONE!  So there is nothing I can reflect on that I did accomplish. So I can't see how far I've come cause I haven't gone anywhere.

So I sit and ponder if I need to join something like medifast or nutrisystems.  Should I continue to bother w/ my business. Yet I hate where I work & what I do so working for myself makes the most sense.  I have always had the entrepreneur spirit since I was in elementary school.  I started up a business writing & illustrating little story books. I made & sold about 4 then stopped.  I always have wanted to succeed in stuff like selling my knitting on etsy, I have a Bridal Consultant certification, I've joined MK 3 times. I have such an overwhelming urge to be my own boss but not the discipline or big enough desire to do the work.  And this is the case with all areas I want to succeed in life.  I get so frustrated over and over and over again.

The only place to go is up, at least I hope.  I made a goal poster about 3 months ago w/ my goals by Sept of next year and they included weight loss, going to Hawaii in Sept or October, Warrior Dash that is in Sept, Director by June, Quitting my job by July.  The thing that kills me is that this is all possible I want to go to Hawaii after I've lost weight. I want to kick ass on the Warrior Dash in 2014, we are already registered for it. Quitting my job could happen if I was a Director managing my money correctly. Then I get overwhelmed, afraid that if I try I will fail. And maybe I should just foucs on my health and weight loss because that is most important. Then I hear the little voice in my head that tells me I can do all these at the same time and I would be glad if I did.

So if it takes 28 days to break a bad habit and I want to set 30 day goals.  I am thinking well I will start w/ diet and exercise and not training exercise just getting up and walking every morning. Then after 30 days that should be habit and the bad habit of sleeping in & eating bad should be broken. If that is broken & the new habit is formed then that means I shouldn't have to think much about it anymore. Then the next 30 days I would change my work out to the training program since it is not taking up any more time in the morning I would be getting up so not changing any habit just what I am doing. And my mental focus in that 30 days would be my business. I would make sure I made all the calls I need to having classes/parties and see what happens during that 30 days.  Then I can make a more educated decision on what I want to do job wise. If I love my new business schedule and it seems to be working for my family & me we'll move forward w/ it if not we figure that out then as well.  

So I need a 30 plan down to every detail. When will my first 30 days start I am thinking Friday Dec 27th.  It is 2 days after Christmas enough to have leftovers out of my house. Then I from Dec 27- Jan 26th will be my exercise & eating right focus.  During that time we do have a trip to Great wolf lodge but hopefully I'll be determined enough to just bring my George Forman grill w/ me and cook up chicken and salad or something. If I plan again for it I can do it! It'll be worth the extra luggage to succeed. Do I do a 24 day challenge from Advocare?  Or do I just start counting calories and wearing my body bug?  Or do I do a combo of the two?  Do the 10 day cleanse then just take the vitamins and count calories and such after the cleanse?  Or if I went the LA weight loss jump start that is only 2 days of eating lean protein and green veggies and there juice drink. Do I order LA Weight loss for home?  Do I try medifast?  I need to figure it out.  I liked LA weight loss because there was no counting calories but if I am going to use my body bug I need to track calories so I can see my calorie deficit at the end of the day.  

I just checked out LA weight loss and it is about $400 for a one month program that comes w/ vitamins, supplements, bars etc... I think I'd rather go thru Advocare and use my discount. The meal replacement shakes make me sick but they have a meal replacement bar maybe I could use? I will have to research and I need to work out some accountability for myself.

Family pictures in 4 days and counting...

There is no way to remove my double chin, my waist that is the same measurements of my boobs, or my super round face in 4 days. Sunday is coming and I've wasted the month I had to lose weight before pictures. I promised myself I would do these pics even if I didn't lose any weight. I am back teetering between 179-180. The effects this weight has on my physically & mentally is horrible. When I stepped on the scale last night before getting in the shower I was 181.6.  Knowing I had just finished dinner and that wasn't my real weight but still man.  I can feel my double chin hitting the sides of my chest depending on where I move my head. I spent most of my shower last night trying to phsyc myself up for the picture results.  Knowing I will not look good in these pics and I will have to be ok with that because it is more important that we have the pictures as a family.  I will have to look past the double chin & fat face and find me in the picture again.  It wasn't so long that I was watching home movies and I was Looking through the fat. I could see me, the me I missed the me I really & truly am when I'm not in my own way.

I am afraid to succeed not for the fear of success but the fear of success but to fail & fall after I've succeed. And that leads to the fact that I don't believe I can truly succeed.

Warrior Dash Take 2

So we registered for the Warrior Dash again. It is not until Sept of next year and I really want to kick ass this time. We registered for the same one so I can compare my time & efforts.  Today I am so cranky.  Just sitting around doing nothing. Been thinking allot since my last post about what I need to do & where I want to be. That whole structural tension thought process is really making me think about what I need to do to get where I want.  It involves allot of things I don't want to do. LOL!!

Does anyone really want to change there eating habits, start exercising, start working hard?  Change is uncomfortable, change isn't easy, change is frustrating.  And the hard cold truth is that I do want to change.  I want to be a better wife, mother, business woman and be healthy athletic person.  And presently not changing I am uncomfortable, my body aches after I spend the day cleaning the house,  I am frustrated all the time at the situation I am letting myself live in.  So the only reason I am here is right back to laziness and not wanting to work hard.  To think that after I am in the habit to eat healthier & exercise I will have the energy I am lacking to do all these things I am wanting to do.  Maybe the key to starting this all is to be willing to drink a spark every morning. LOL!! If I haven't talked about spark before it is a great vitamin energy drink type thing from Advocare.   It is full of vitamin B and not very much caffein but after drinking that I can hardly sit still. So Maybe on work days I will have to not drink it cause I am stuck at my cubicle.

Our family pictures are a week away & I am making us take them cause I am tired of not being in the pictures. However I am also very upset that I didn't lose any weight and that I will be this over weight in my pictures.  I remember when my Mom weighed 160. I remember because of all the complaining she did about it and I was 12 or 13 which actually would have made my Mom 32 or 33. Holy cow,  I didn't realize how closely I was following in her footsteps.  I can see my future by looking at where my Mom is today. However she has spent much more time losing weight than I have. She lost weight several times once she was down to a size 12 when I was like 21 but then she gained it all back. This is why I have such a hard time even thinking of using some program, pill, HGC, or vitamins to "help" I have only seen my Mom gain the weight back over and over again. Once when I was really young she did lose with diet and exercise and got all the way down to like 111 lbs right before she had my little brother.  I truly believe I have brain washed myself because of my fear of gaining the weight back. Every time I think about losing I feel the fear.  I need to push through that w/ positive self talk. I have to retrain my brain that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

This changes will bring about so many positive things for not just me but my family.  I truly believe if I am healthier I will succeed in all areas.  This week is a really tough week schedule wise. DH got called for jury duty and it is messing up his week off and his hours at work. So my Mom has to watch to boys when she normally doesn't and we were thinking about an over night stay next week, DH & I, at a hotel but I just don't think it is going to happen. Anyways, all this to say w/ this crazy schedule again the benefit of me working from home would be so huge.  Being able to set my own schedule around the needs of my family would just be so amazing.  Pink Cadillac Directors in MK have said they only spend 8-10 hrs a week working outside the home.  I can sacrifice 10 hrs out of my home a week to be able to take my kids to school be there when they get home and even make most meals.  I would love to have a bigger house w/ a room for my office and a place to host parties in my home then I am just simply running down stairs for an hour and they eliminates the commute to & from the party as well. Now that we are getting a little off topic, I really should go to bed.

Structural Tension

I was watching biggest loser and these people were so excited that they have reached the 200's or even 300's again.  I am sitting there and all I can think is what is wrong w/ me????  I have only 55lbs to lose to reach my goal. Change is so difficult.  It is SO easy to keep doing what I've been doing but it doesn't get me where I want to be.

Yesterday I watched a video & it talked about Structural Tension.  You take a piece of paper & then write down what you want & what matters most to you at the top of the paper. And then on the bottom you write your reality.  Then between them write down the steps you need to take to get from the bottom to the top.  Mine couldn't be further from each other.  My top says things like to be healthy & in shape, be at home w/ the kids and be debt free.   Yet I work at my job which truly even though it is part time I am realizing it really seems to take more time away from my family than it should. I am tired & want to do nothing when I get home and one of my days off it is my chill day I don't want to do anything.  Or I make my self do all this running around while DS1 is at school  then in the evening I want to do NOTHING both days.  Like today I dropped DS1 at school, went to my work to make MK deliveries, trip to Costco, came home unloaded the car sat for and hour then went & picked up DS1 from school & I am beat & have done nothing the rest of the night besides getting the potatoes in the oven to bake.  Remember that whole time plan where I had to get up early & do stuff after the kids went to bed. Yeah hasn't happened yet.

I sit and contemplate what do I want my life to look like?  And I want to be active, exercise, spend time w/ my family, make my husbands lunch in the mornings, make dinner at night, go on vacations when whenever we want to,  keep my house clean, be a MK Director, Have a larger home.  So being a MK Director gives me income to be home w/ my family & yet also still get that larger home. Also w/ the option of being home & making my own schedule we can go on vacations whenever, I can have a set schedule and not feel like I am not getting other things done at home.

Still going no where.

I haven't stepped on a scale since my last post.  I have no idea where I am except I know I haven't been dieting or tracking my calories.  My oldest DS told me the other day that I need to lose weight.  We were walking back from his school and my youngest DS didn't want to walk anymore so I asked him if he wanted a piggy back and I bent down and tried to reach behind me to grab his hands and then I tried to stand back up and I couldn't I tripped & almost fell over. To which my DS responds my you need to lose weight. I said what? He said you know you need to get in better shape that is the reason you can't pick DS2 up.  He is 100% correct and I know he is just repeating what he has heard me say. But I embarrassed me, knowing that my 7 year old can realize the reason I can't do certain things. is my weight.   I went Black Friday w/ my Mom and my hips are still hurting.  I know I've said again and again I am so sick of feeling this way. But because my actions speak louder than works I feel like I have no right to complain.  I've done this all to my self and I choose to self medicate w/ food instead of pushing through whatever may be causing the urge for the junk food.

Family pics are only 2 weeks away as well and it looks like I am going to have to rely on spanks to smooth out the lumps and bumps but I am most concerned w/ my double chin and lack of neck in the photos.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh start going to try to cut out diet pop because I notice how much more crap I eat while I am drinking it on a regular basis.

Crying in the dark

So frustrated I am trying to hold back the tears as I lie here in bed. Another day down the tubes I expect to back to my start weight tomorrow or at least I will have a gain. And Thanksgiving only a couple days away. *Sigh*. My family has come down with some new cold and w/ the DS1 athsma I get super stressed everytime he gets a cold. I feel like eating right should be easier! Why do the other foods have such a strong hold over me? DH made dinner tonight and it isn't that I don't appreciates it but what he made isn't on anyone's diet.... Hamburger Helper. So I ate it and thought well there went today and ate a bad snack too. So I get all worked up and start to panic about the family pictures and how frustrated I am w/ being in healthy and overweight. It is that time of the month and I am dying for sweets but have yet to have a candy bar. Last Friday I did have some raisinets but that is it so I guess it is good for me that I've have the focus to not purchase chocolate or candy for the most part and this includeds the fact that we went to a movie.  I need to give up diet pop but I like the fact that it is calorie free and it is hard to giv up when I am counting calories. I asked for a sod stream for Christmas and my parents are getting me one. I was to try some of the natural flavors and hopefully being able to fizz water and put any flavor in it will help me stay off diet pop but also keep me from the high calorie regular pop too. 

Things were going so well.

M-F were perfect down 4.2 lbs and two days left to go then yesterday I over are but this morning only gained .8 lbs but then my period started and I ate and I ate and I ate. I am sure I'll be up tomorrow. So do I count my weigh in day at Friday or go w/ tomorrow and then see if I can just get right back in track tomorrow? That is my goal to keep going. This is where I've always stopped is when I screw up,  so her is the proof that we will all mess up from time to time. And I need to learn that when I fall I need to get right back up my problem is in the last I have a pity party for my self. I sit and wallow in my poor me and my I always fail mode. But I need to not sit! This sitting an wallowing does me no good, gets me no where, makes me feel worse, keeps me down as far as possible from the stars I am trying to reach. So I need not to lose focus on my feet. When I fell on the muddy hill on Warrior dash I didn't sit for even a second I knew I had to get right back up.   Now is the time to prove that I can beat this. I can do this !

No more excuses the time is now!!

I stepped on the scale this morning, to have it ring in at 181.  This morning I feel ill because I am coming down with a cold and all last night I was thinking about how I can't start my diet on a Monday. Then I realized my reason I felt so strongly about what day of the week I start is setting me up for failure as it is. I wanted to make sure that my weigh in day was right before the weekend. Like a Friday so I could splurge and then have time to make up for what I over ate. Yes, this is and has always been the reason for me putting off starting my diet is to make sure I have some splurge room. It is becoming more and more clear as to why I have not been succeeding at this, for years.

Anyway, after stepping on the scale this morning I thought this has got to be it! I have got to stop this and change NOW! I packed my breakfast, lunch & snacks. Dinner could have been better but I planned it while at work so I came home and started cooking. I sat down tonight & tracked everything I put into my mouth came in under 1400 calories. It's a great start! Tried to stay focused on positive thoughts even w/ this cold I am trying to fight off. I have 4 weeks until our family picture.  I would love to lose 10 lbs or even 12 that would put me under 170 and I would feel pretty good about that. Not sure if it is realistic but I am going and this has to be it I have to keep going not giving up just cause it makes me cranky or because the longer I am at this weight the worse off my health & body is going to be.  Healthy me here I come. It make take me a while to get there but I am on my way!

A sad realization...

So for the last couple days I have been maintaining at my 180 lbs so this may very well be the longest I've ever been this weight. Normally I see it and I eat really good the next day or drink a bunch of water and drop down a couple pounds. Anyways I've been on the hunt for what I assumed was a chin hair. Whenever I was looking down I could feel something barely touching my skin I assumed it was a hair that was touching my head piece at work. Then went home and it was still happening and I was confused by why & what it must be rubbing on. So I went to the bathroom to pluck it out and found nothing. This morning back at work I am feeling it again. Go to the bathroom and as I am washing my hands I feel it so I look up into the mirror. I then move my chin around to try to feel it again while looking in the mirror and realized a very sad fact.  It is not a hair. It is my double chin ever so lightly touching my regular chin while I am looking down. :-( 

I seem to be hitting new lows everyday. My pants are not fitting, my chins are touching!! My anxiety is heighten. My body hurts, I have heart burn. The list just seems to keep on growing. I feel like I guilted my DH into buying me a treadmill that I've only used once so far and that was my biggest fear, that I wouldn't use it. I have everything figured out about my formula what I need to do. And yet I do nothing.  I have been going over and over everything I keep not doing, everything I could have accomplished by now. People say you can't think that way but I've spent years thinking this way and not doing anything about it.

The interesting thing is that ANYTHING I've ever put my whole heart into I've succeeded at. So when I know that I have a great track record at things I truly put my mind and heart into why do I freak out and "fail" when it comes to weight loss?  Same w/ my MK business I keep on feeling like I am not succeeding and should just give up HOWEVER I have truly not given it my best or practically even really tried.  That is the thing, dieting for a week or two isn't really trying and just because we eat out isn't a valid reason that I screw up on my diet. Because all the location we eat out at we ate at while i've lost weight int he past. I have 15 weeks until our trip to Disneyland and at a healthy 2lbs a week that is 30 lbs down, brining me to 148-150 and that would be amazing!  I am booking our family pictures for Sunday Dec 15th and the is only 4 weeks away and I would love to be down 10 lbs by then just to have some confidence in the pictures. But that means I have to stick to it.  When I decided to go off diet pop and chocolate I just did it no cheating, just did it.  It is those things that prove to me that I can do these things when I put my mind to it.

So how do I do this??? Why is it so matter of fact about somethings and others seem to have such a hold on me? I am starting to search my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my unhealthy life style? The only thing I go back to is the fact that I use food as a comfort. So between my laziness and crazy thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough at everything? I'm not kidding I tell my self that I am not good at: being a wife, a homemaker, a mom, an employee, a friend, at business, being healthy or fit..............................?????????????????????  In my mindless typing I think I've rediscovered a deep root. I've always known my self talk was bad buy when I say I literally tell my self I am not worthy. I came across this issue about 2 years ago. I knew I always had low self esteem but the root is that I have no value in my self and assume I am not worth being valued. I've put this towards all my relationships even my relationship w/ God. This is why I was terrified to fly w/o a group of people because I didn't feel like I was important enough for God to protect.  OK so I don't know why but I never made this connection to the reason my weight loss in suffering.  I've blamed my low self esteem on my weight but I don't know that I have ever blamed my weight on my low self esteem. O_O

So new idea! I know the main keys to good self esteem is positive self talk and to get up and look your best.  So not doing what I normally do on my days off I go from pjs to yoga pants. So unfortunately this goes back to getting up early again. I need to get up and start my day right. I need some positive affirmations to say first thing in the morning. I need to way up and say the things I am good at and the things I will be good at. I was in such a bad place when I got home. I wrote most of this during my lunch & breaks at work and then my brain spent the rest of the day thinking about all the negative things I've trained my brain to believe about myself. Something minor happened and I was upset to the point of wanting to cry and shaking on the inside. Looks like I have quite the journey ahead of me. 

180.8

Really? WOW! 180.8 I believe this is a new all time high for me.  My pants have been hurting from my waist band being to tight. Everyone in my house is sick w/ a pretty nasty cold. I am feeling ok so I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to catch it full blown. My Children coughing all over me & kissing DH. I am bound to get it unless this is what I already had a couple weeks ago.

Some things that are to hard to ignore & signs that I am gaining weight are: Heartburn, body aches and pain, my sciatic nerve starts spasming, my depression hits making motivation nonexistent.  And I can feel all this change between 5-10lbs. It is amazing how my body is resisting being at this weight. I wonder if I had complications like this that have gone unnoticed through out the years that could all be attributed to weight gain?

How to begin?

I spent all of Halloween night cleaning my office so that my treadmill would be usable. Got up this morning and packed my lunch and snacks. Then the attack of the left over Halloween candy and I picked up Taco Time for dinner. I am feeling really low. My self esteem is horrible, I am getting paranoid because of it.  My body is starting w/ the pins & needles & my heart burn has returned. Weigh in this morning was at 179.  

So now that I have a formula for weight loss, How do you begin your journey?  Most weight loss programs start w/ a Jump start, fast forward, boost, cleanse..... Something that cleanses your system, gets you going some quick results.  DH says you just start slowly by taking some stuff out of your diet and starting working out. I told him that isn't how it works for me. He has this amazing ability to eat ok every now and then & lose weight then go back to eating what ever he wants & maintain.  My body has been on to many ups & downs, to many diets I jump from one extreme to the other & I need to be consistently staying in my calories to lose.  My Mom & I were talking about going to a nutritionist but I know that counting calories works for me I just don't enjoy doing it.  Tomorrow we are going out to dinner for my Dad's Birthday & then Sunday we are having spaghetti at DH parents for his Dad's b-day & that isn't diet food.  So I get frustrated & feel like I can't get started. So how do I get started. Do I try a cleanse again or just start counting calories? 

What if you knew the magic formula to lose weight?

Weigh in this morning 178.2.  Been stuffing my face & eating even after I am so full I shouldn't be eating anymore.  Feeling very uncomfortable, unattractive, anxiety, worry

So after all my thinking & soul searching I keep coming back to the same things.....

Focus on Healthy/Fitness not weight loss
Getting up early (which I hate)
Meal Planning
prepping
tracking
Time management

Focust on Health/Fitness not weight loss: I've talked about this allot lately and it makes a big difference in my brain.  The scale only seems to be able to ruin me. If I do well I think I deserve a splurge & if I do poorly I think well screw it!  If my focus is on being healthy, feeling better & getting in shape. It really makes me think before I eat something.  I may need to really stick to not weighing in except having DH do it on his day off and only tell me every 10 or 5 lbs. Or I need to not weight every morning at least. I need to not be addicted and only weigh in once a week.

Getting up early:  I HATE getting up early. My body doesn't like it. I am a night owl and I enjoy that but honestly one of my biggest things about working out is I don't want to take time away from my family and I need to get up at 6:30AM do my devotions & work out, shower get the boys up & ready for school.  Then I am done working out & the boys were sleeping & no time loss from family.

Meal Planning:  This needs to take place on the weekends. Plan for one week at a time.  This keeps me on track during the week for not eating out which is all I've been doing lately.  Ultimately I would love to have each our of common meals we eat on a recipe & the cost of the ingredients so I know that this meal cost me $_____.

Prepping: After meal planning and shopping I need to prep my food for lunches that week. Cut up & bag fruits & veggies for easy snacks & lunches.  Packing my lunch at night when I work.  Finding & setting out work out clothes the night before along w/ clothes for the kids & I. Or I just need to keep laundry done & put away then everyone can get there own clothes. :-)

Tracking:  If I eat it I need to track it. If I track my weight & calories I lose weight, If I don't track I don't lose. Pure and simple

Time Management:  I need to set & adhere to a schedule that includes time for the things I want to do like read w/ the boys & date nights, but also need time for the working out & lunch packing, laundry & stuff I don't like doing.  This way I make sure I am doing the things I need to do that when I am suppose to so that I don't put them off so that I can do the fun stuff later. I will have time for the fun stuff and then I'll now I don't need to worry about doing the fun stuff now because I know there will be time for it later and I can get don't what I don't want to do.  Most of this proves that I can do all this stuff while the boys are in bed either in the morning or at night after they go to bed. SO really I am just taking away sleeping in time in the morning & Facebook time at night.  Honestly I should be able to sacrifice those things.  And I am hoping if I am up earlier and the boys are on a good schedule they will go to sleep better meaning I can go to bed earlier too.

So what will this look like??? Making a meal plan once a week,  go grocery shopping based on the meal plan,  come home cut up fruit & veggies, if possible prepack snacks and lunch foods.  After kids go to bed pick out clothes set out work out clothes & pack my lunch & snacks. In the morning get up by 6:30AM have my devotions, work out, shower, get the boys up and dressed and get Noah off to school.  Is this doable??  YES! So why does the whole idea of it freak me out? Is it rebellion? Is it fear?

This plan really requires a more organized bed time as well for my boys so that I can get them asleep earlier so I can go to bed earlier. I have always been a night owl and really don't like the idea of going to bed early.  HOWEVER, I think if I was getting up earlier then it wouldn't be so hard to go to bed early especially if I was going to bed w/ DH. He has to work a crazy shift for the next 3 months. He will be swing shift next week but then he starts 6AM-6PM shift so he needs to go to bed at a reasonable time so 10PM would work.  The idea of trying to fix/fine tune the boys bed time routine doesn't sound fun to me.

Opening up files

Weight in today 177.8 no I have not been dieting or working out yet. After I threw a little bit of a fit, if I am honest about it, about never getting exercise stuff and DH goes out & gets me a treadmill. I've used it only once. Then the room it is in exploded & I've been unable to lower it to use it.

I finally got my workbook in the mail for the pacesetter program I am doing and the 2nd workbook section is having us open the "files" in our brain. So for example you think of the word: Money. Then you wright down everything that comes into your brain about money statements like: We never have enough,  Savings for vacations, Growing up w/ had very little money, etc.... She calls this pulling out & opening the Money file.  Our brains take what ever we state to be true as a fact & it will work very hard to gather supporting info to prove that this fact is true. So You say I am a bad singer and you're brain takes that as fact. Then will gather ever cracked note you sing or anyone who looks at you funny while you sing as supporting evidence that you are a bad singer.   Then we had to pick a "file" to open on our own and one of the suggestions was body/health.  So because I am hoping this new program will help me w/ my weight loss rut as well I chose to do that one. So I opened up my body/health "file" and wrote down my thoughts and any personal life events or stories that shaped my beliefs on this subject and here is what I wrote:
yoyo dieting, I can't stand the way I look. Feeling unattractive, Been healthy before, Lost weight before, Emotions rule over my food, uncomfortable, unhappy, Mom always doing fad diets & then gaining it all & more back, Never wanting to be the size of my Mom & now I am, I was athletic, I was the "fat" friend w/ no boyfriend, My wedding day was perfect even over weight & my weight didn't matter, I've lost weight before and each time I lose I gain back plus some,  Afraid of losing just to gain it back.  WAIT WHAT!?!?!  I stopped dead in my tracks!  I realized I wrote I am Afraid of losing weight?!?!?!   This would also explain why every little swerve on my diet track is such a big deal because it is validating the "Fact" that I am afraid of losing weight.

Now onward to figure out we retain our brains.  My body is hurting again. my legs are tingly at night.  I am running out of time before we are going to go get family pictures taken.  In Mary Kay they have a saying "Fake it, until you make it" meaning if you do what you need to do while you don't like it or understand it before you know it, it'll be a part of you and your own success story.

Time to regroup...

For some reason I was an emotional basket case the other day. I was crying at work and so stressed & overwhelmed.  I tried to call DH to talk but he was busy w/ the boys so I wrote this note to my self to try to get things off my chest.

"I am at a breaking point. I can cry almost all the time.  I don't know which way to go and what to focus on.  I feel all have equal importance and so none can be left out. I feel sick,tired and unhealthy 90% of the time. I feel like I need to do something drastic to shock me into the change. Having to be at work the 3 days a week makes me miserable. Not because the job I do is so terrible but because while I am here all I can think about is what I am not able to do while I am here. I am not home with my family, I am not going on field trips and picking Noah up from school. I am not making healthy meals for my family. Yet my biggest fear is that if I were at home would I still not be accomplishing things out of laziness. Would I spend my day sitting around not taking advantage of my time at home? I want to quit my job. I want to give my notice today.  Do I keep on working a job I hate so we can buy the larger house we need? Do I do the short term sacrifice of spending time away from my family while I build my Mary Kay business so that can be my income so I can be a work at home mom? I feel as if I am at rock bottom. Which means I can go up or choose to stay and wallow. Do I have the strength to go up? I know I don't, but with God I can. But how do I fight? How do I fight the constant voices telling me I'm not enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I have failed at that to many times already to try again."

This happened Friday last week. I am now just getting back to the computer to blog.  I have since gotten DH cold and it is a doozy! Went to the Dr & got put on antibiotics for my lungs. She didn't think it was pneumonia but I was breathing to heavily and it could be just complications from asthma.  Have I told you guys me new theory about how I don't think I have asthma.  Well I mean I have it to a certain degree but I think it has more to do w/ being overweight & out of shape than an actual condition.  I was originally "diagnosed" w/ exercise induced asthma in High School when I was playing basket ball. Now this started right after Volley Ball season so I wasn't out of shape but I was having problems catching my breath w/ all the running involved in basketball. I used the inhaler I think like twice and then I nothing until a year ago when I had a cold & I went in to the walk in complaining of a heaviness in my chest.  And they said I had wheezing & asked about asthma in my past I said in High School and they prescribed me an inhaler.  Well though out the years I learned that I am a shallow breather and So I  don't think it is really asthma but more the lack of my lungs being used because I am always breathing so shallow.  From what I was reading it doesn't go away as you get in shape and it is hard to catch your breath and when I was gasping and wheezing on the Warrior Dash it only took less than a minute to recover from it.  So I think if I focus on my cardio I will not have the issue "asthma" anymore.

Anyways I forgot to weigh myself on Monday but Tue was 176.6 but Wed came in at 177.8.  My Mom and I were talking about going to a nutritionist who does this blood test to tell you what your "magic" food combos are. It will tell you what your body isn't processing well & what it does. So I was tempted but it isn't cheap. And then I started thinking would that make the difference?? I already told my Mom if they told me something stupid like you can't eat fruit I would say screw that!  So what would be the point of spending that money when I've lost weight before & I know what I should do now.  A hand full of women at our Church has done this and they are shrinking and my SIL is trying to use a version of one of the diets of her friends and it is no carbs including fruit and I just can't fathom doing that.  Any yet here I sit still not losing weight & not working out.  I have Amazing goals ahead of me.  Goals I can visualize happening but I just need to make my self do the work it takes to get there.

Weigh In Day

I am not going to stop being accountable even though the scale has gone up again. This morning my weight in was 178.8  I over slept and ate 500 calories in peanut M&M's at my break time. (incase you are wondering that is 2 bags) And I am already tired again tonight.  I don't know if that means I am getting old cause I feel like I need more sleep. Or is it a sign of poor health?  I need to schedule a bunch of Dr apts. The boys are over due and I am over due for blood test, physical & a pap.  No fun at all.  

I think I need to work out a pretty strict schedule for my family.  I am not getting up early enough to make both DS1 lunch & my lunch so I am eating out at lunch.  And this whole bed time thing w/o DH new schedule is still not working so great because my boys are on hunger strikes thru the day & then at bed time they are starving to the point of tears and keep on begging for food. Not sure if a schedule will help the eating thing but at least have them eating at the same time every night if possible.  See and this is the stuff that makes me start stressing about making plans to book parties and not be at home because I do feel like we need a schedule in this house.  I will hopefully get this figured out soon. I need to sit down w/ my weekly plan sheet for the next month and make this all happen and all work somehow.

Hey buddy, what am I doing?

Something has been bothering me and it has happened every year DS1 has had school.  So DS1 is now in 1st grade and he has been in school for 4 years now because of preschool & preK.  So they ask them to draw pictures of there family and his pictures always start out as electronic related.  So he will draw a pic of him self playing video games or on our iPad.  And I knew that he really enjoys when he get to do that so I tried to write it off as it is just something he enjoys so he is picking that to draw about. He only gets the iPad right before bed for quiet time and if he has a new game he will play more video games on the Wii than normal but then he goes back to busy playing w/ his legos, clay & plush guys.  When it gets to much we force an "electronic break" on him. He doesn't like it very much but it is needed from time to time.  Normally by middle of the school year he is drawing pictures of other activities that don't include an electronic device.  So here were are still fairly early into another school year and he comes home w/ a pic he drew and it is him on the iPad and I am sitting in my spot w/ what looks like my laptop. So I ask him; Hey buddy, what am I doing in your picture?  He states well I'm on the iPad and your on your laptop.  I talked to DH about it and asked am I on my laptop to much and he says no because we are always going place & I try to keep the boys busy but it still made me think about the time I sit on my ass when I could be doing something productive.  I mean here I sit as we speak however it is blogging. I wouldn't feel bad if DS1 drew me writing w/ pen and paper and this is the same thing but he doesn't know that.  I want pictures that he draws to be of me knitting or running.  I showed him the pics of our Warrior Dash and he loved them. He was so impressed, LOL! He told me how awesome Daddy & I were for doing this and I feel the same way.  I got up and did 20 mins on my treadmill yesterday but I didn't do my day one of C25K cause I woke up late & figured that 20 mins was better than nothing.  My boys however used it 3 times yesterday! They LOVE running on it & I mean full out running for both of them.

I feel as I am at a cross roads. I have lost motivation for most things. I am lacking the drive to work out & eat right & w/ my MK business I've been contemplating quitting. But I MK is what I want to do but it is so easy to use my plan B which is keep on working at my other job I have.  It is allot easier to just keep on working but it is not as much fun.  The same thing w/ my eating & exercise. It is allot easier to not change. So If I move forward in both of these items it is allot of hard work and allot of rewards that come along w/ it.  I just joined a pacesetter team for my MK business that is a 12 week program and my C25K is a 9 week program.  I have programs set in front of me telling me exactly what I need todo and it scares the crap out of me.  The pacesetter program is called rutbusting and it has allot to do w/ the way our brain works and why we are stuck in the ruts we are stuck in and Lord knows I stuck in a couple ruts that I am trying to break out of. So I asked DH today WHY?  Why do do I fight it all so much?  DH started to say something & I interrupted him and said "Do you think it is just laziness"  He said "Well I wasn't going to say it the bluntly but honestly what are you going to do today when we get home? Sit on the couch and do nothing really, unless the boys need something then you will get up and take care of it."  I am so afraid that of being busy and not being there for my family if & when they need me, that I truly take it to the other extreme and no nothing so I can be there.  That is my excuse my family is my Why & I use them as my why not.  When it comes down to it if I can do these things now I will be able to be there for my family even more.  I'll be healthier & able to play more & do more things then lets have quiet time on our electronics. If I take my MK to the next step I can quit my other job, set my own hours and go on every field trip and be there when ever my family needs me.  As of tonight I am sure I need to do these things. I've been praying & praying God show me what to do and is the silence because he has already told me or is it the constant things that come up w/ my health & MK Him prodding me to what I am suppose to be doing.

Once my MK Director asked me has people ever told you that you can't handle much?  I told her all the time. Because of my anxiety I've been told to be careful, don't overwhelm your self, etc.  Ever since I've had panic attacks I have been overly cautious. And all this doing nothing guided me into depression, that through God I have overcome. So now how do I break this habit?  That is right back to the rutbusting program I am doing.  I told DH I tell myself I just need to do everything to my fullest for 30 days and see what happens.  I know good things will be headed my way if I do that and that is huge steps in the directions in all areas of my life that I need to be headed.  So from 10/7 thru 11/6 that is 30 days.  30 days of counting calories, 30 days of C25K, 30 days of following my rutbusting plan.

There is this commercial by Nike called rise & shine. I want to wake up to it everyday it is AMAZING.  Still trying to figure out how to make it my alarm.   If this doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't think anything will.

I want to run in the rain.

I want to be one of those avid runners that are even out running in the rain.  I see them from time to time I mean it does rain ALOT around here. And I am not meaning in the nasty of nasty but I want to become a person that needs to get a run in.  I don't know why or where the desire to run is coming from.  We finally got a treadmill!! We got a Nordictrack T7 off of craigslist & it looks practically new and it is pretty quiet.

I have been bingeing really bad lately. PMS week was horrible this month.  Again not an excuse.  I am quickly running out of time before we get family pictures taken. I've decided no matter my size we need a family picture this holiday season. I was thinking we will just go into Picture people even though I would rather go to someplace nicer but that will cost more money.  So picture people will work just fine. Our last professional family pictures were when Noah was 9 months old & I had been on LA weight loss and was down to 155 lbs.  I am thinking we'll get pics done early Dec So best case I have 2 months and that can be about 15 lbs.  I am sure I have gained since Monday so I am probably right back up to my 180.  I am feeling very uncomfortable and large.  You know when you are self conscious in a sweat shirt that isn't a good sign.   My goal is to get up and get on the tread mill tomorrow morning. Alarm is set!  That would make tomorrow Day 1 of my couch to 5K.  I have no motivation to start trying tomorrow. I don't feel prepared or ready and maybe that is even more of a reason that I need to push thru to prove that I can do it w/o the "perfect" set of circumstances.

Weigh in

Well I am not doing well but I am not giving up. So weighing in is at least keeping me honest. 177.8 this morning. Still shopping craigslist for treadmills, hoping to find one soon. I am posting on my iPad so I will have. Longer post when I am on my laptop. 

Weigh In

So my weigh in yesterday was about what I expected. 177.6 so a 2 1/2 lbs.  The one thing I have noticed w/ DH new schedule is I am eating A TON of junk after he goes to bed.  So much going on in my brain lately. Trying to stay focused & get myself back on track. I wanted to drop in and make sure I wasn't letting myself off the hook for my weigh in.

A week of wins & losses

So week two didn't go very well. I've had weight gain and I will report the official gain on weigh in tomorrow.    It wasn't my normal well screw it I am going to eat McDonalds.  But my serving sizes were to big, I ate to much candy, and I didn't track what I ate.  We ate out this week 3 times, Lapalmera for Mexican, Take out teriyaki, red robin for lunch yesterday & then for dinner we ordered in & I ordered a salad & chili cheese baked potato.  So there are my losses.  My Wins for last week was a 20 mile bike ride and a 3 mile hike including allot of uphill & stairs. 20 miles on a bike ride is my best so far!  My Mom wanted to go on a ride so DH pulled DS2 & my niece in a trailer & we all went for a ride my Mom made it 5 miles then asked if she could stay w/ the kids at the park on the trail while we went on. We had to stop for some breathing & I found out if I went just 3 more miles I would have a round trip of 20 so we did it we turned around at 10 and rode the 10 back.  I could have gone further but I was glad we didn't as we got close to the car I got a bad cramp in my thigh. So I am glad we stuck to the 20.  And I was proud of my 20 miles. I went past hills before that I had to stop have an attack & then head back.  The 3 mile hike was yesterday and my legs were still wobbly from my ride. By the time we got down to the beach my legs were shaking independently. Today my calves are super tight & hurt to stretch them out.

No treadmill yet but we did sell my elliptical & it will be picked up tomorrow then we will have room for a treadmill. My BFF, who we spent yesterday with,  runs on a treadmill and is in good shape and she gave me some tips about getting one from craigslist. So now I am wondering if I should keep on looking longer for one on craigslist instead of dropping over $600 after tax for a new one.

It is now officially fall, the weather seems to agree w/ it all the 70 temps have dropped off the forecast and we are now staying in the 50's.  Another reason I am glad I am getting my treadmill. I am not an outside person normally so you give me crappy weather & tell me to go run outside, NOT going to happen. LOL!  With the official fall weather coming in I am getting the itch to knit.  I spent hours on Ravelry.com yesterday looking up patterns I have a baby to knit for too for a shower that is at the end of next month.  I am knitting the boys new beanies.  Then I have to possible craft fair items I want to knit for a craft fair I am participating in in Dec.  I had this whole last week off except for Friday and we got NOTHING done, besides our bike ride.  I mean I had grand plans of accomplishing things but nope nothing. And now we are back to the week DH works. This will be his first week on his new regular hours so he has to leave the house by 3AM at the latest & I don't like the idea of being left at home while it is dark w/o my DH there to keep us safe. This will take some getting used to.  I have a pretty quite house right now & I am finding my self eating to pass the time. I am hoping to make these evenings into knitting girl time.  When DH has to be in bed by 7PM, DS2 by 8PM & DS1 by 9PM and after DS2 goes to bed it is pretty quiet I want to take advantage of this and watch old movies & knit. :-) Then maybe that will keep me from putting food in my mouth.

Passion

Being at home this week so far has not been what I had planned. I had HUGE plans for some more organization & getting planning done.  And yet we did nothing yesterday cause DS1 was home sick and this morning started w/ a trip to the Walk in clinic for DS1.   *SIGH*   I haven't track my food yet & I know I was a little over my calories yesterday.  I told DH that something always happens that makes me have issues week 2 then I quit and I REFUSE to quit this time!!!  One off day isn't going to throw me into a woes me cycle.

I have recently discovered the need for passion.  It may sound strange but I've always had very strong "Why's" for why I do what I want to do. But they've never seemed to be enough and I now know it is because I was lacking passion.  I didn't have that intense burning desire to reach my goal.  I have always wanted to reach my goals, I always have excellent reasons to do the things I want to do. Like lose weight & gain my healthy, succeed at my MK biz so I can be a work at home Mommy, or stick to the budget so we can buy a 2nd house.  Yet I have yet to manage to stick to anything yet. Not due to lack or good reason, want to or need to but a lack of passion.  So how does one attain passion for something you have never enjoyed, like dieting???  It truly started w/ the Warrior Dash w/ me. I found a passion inside me to be in shape. I mean I get excited about it every time I think about it. Even though I know it is coming w/ allot of work, it doesn't bother me.  The thought of it taking me a year to lose all my weight always used to frustrate me because it seemed like such a long time. But the fact that I have a year to get into the best shape of my life & have a rematch w/ the Warrior Dash. Doesn't seem like that much time.  I could always delay the whole losing weight & dieting thing because it was well I know I can lose 5 lbs my first week of trying so I can make up for week I'm skipping now etc.. But that week would never come & I would recite the same excuse over and over and over again. However I know how long it is going to take me to get in shape and I know if you skip two weeks of working out you lose up to something stupid like 20% of all the strength you gained.  So it is important to keep going. Not like weight loss were you can maintain your loss and everything is fine you stop working out and you lose what you've accomplished.

I got some extra passion today.  Let me take a couple steps back. So when I started trying out work out DVD's I had little work out buddies so the youngest calls exercise: eggersizing, it is really cute.  So today we moved my elliptical out into our living room so we could take pictures of it and put it on craigslist and my boys have been using it off and on all day. Especially DS2 keeps on saying look Mommy I eggersizing, you want to try?  Also DH & I have been trying to drink more water & the boys have started hijacking our water cups and bottles and drinking it.  It showed me just how easily they can be influenced for a healthier life style.  I want that for them I want them to stay healthy. I hate it when they are sick, I get ill w/ worry when they are sick. Kids live by example and I want to be that good example for them. I want them to see me get healthy and fit. I want this more than I think I have ever wanted to be thin.

Weigh in....

As you can see on the ticker my weigh in this morning came in at 175 so -5.2 lbs for the week!!! YAY!!! We plan on eating at home all week again except for Friday we are going to go out so that will be my first test of going out to eat and trying not to just eat what ever I would normally order. I think we are going to Olive Garden and what I eat there isn't to bad I will avoid pasta all together.   We are going on a date night tonight & I am planning on having popcorn at the movie but I am still very pleased w/ my results this week & I will track today when I get home from our movie. So goal of last week was eating at home. Success!! This weeks goal will be to tracking everything I eat.  Then next week I will start focusing on working out once we have the treadmill!! SO EXCITED!!!

Weigh in tomorrow

This morning the scale was looking pretty good for my official weight in tomorrow. However today I feel like I am getting DS1 cold.  I am exhausted.  I have eaten a little bit much so dinner will have to be smaller and more veggies & less potatoes.  I have a roast in the crock pot and this is day 7 of eating at home every night!!! That is a Non-scale victory!!  I have almost all of next week off & I am hoping that will help w/ me to stay focused. Then I will have 2 weeks of eating at home down then I can start working out once the treadmill is here & if I haven't been staying w/in my calories make my adjustments to what I am eating at home. But unfortunately today is another lazy day based on everyone here not feeling to well. And this is the last day of DH work week and then next week is his week off. YAY!!

Looking through the fat

Today is a lazy Saturday. I am really in the Disney mood. I want to go back now. LOL!! Our annual passes don't expire until 10/30 and I don't think we will use them again. Our next trip is in March,  24 weeks from today. It seems so far and yet I know that will pass super quickly.  In 24 weeks at 2 lbs a week that is 48 lbs & I have 55 to lose to reach my goal. Do you know how thrilled I would be if I lost 48 lbs!!!

Watching home movies normally sends me into a depression requiring massive quaintness of junk food because seeing how large I am & what everyone else sees makes the obeseness undeniable. And I sit here watching my weight go up w/ each video and yet the normal thoughts that go through my brain are not there. I mean sure I see my self and I think yep need to lose that weight but it isn't like it has always been.  I looked at my self & noticed how pretty my eye and smile are.  I mean double chin and all I noticed something positive about myself. I have not thought positive things about myself was when I had lost 30 lbs and Noah was 15 months old. That was the last time I remembering thinking I looked great in like every picture. I seriously looked at my very over weight self and saw some features that still belong the the healthy fit me I've been before.  It is strange I used to say I don't recognize me anymore but I am there and when I get fit and strong I am going to be able to say look at how far I've come. During our last trip I was about at my highest weight and you could tell it was taking it's toll on me. Every time I notice the camera on me you could see the uncomfort. I would start adjusting clothing, my face or just clear move out of the picture.  I've tried to stay behind the camera for so long now.  I am ready to be in the pictures.  No matter what weight I am I am going to have us get family pictures for Christmas. The last professional family photo session we had was when DS1 was 9 months old & I had gotten down to 155.  I have refused to get one ever since. I am over it! Being in the photos and videos are more important.

I would like to work out tomorrow but I am still treadmillless. I may do Jillian's Yoga again.  I feel the urge to do something. :-) And I think I will start tracking tomorrow. Just because I am not getting my treadmill for another week doesn't mean I should not start my tracking habit.  I have my book & no excuses! :-)

What a difference...

I am in shock at the difference my thinking is making.  Like I said am having like fitness goals I want to  get strong & fit & be able to kick some butt! So for what seems like always when I am watching what I eat it is like if I eat that it will not help me be thin or lose weight and then I get sad thinking about losing weight & how fat I am etc.. Well today apparently was cookie day at my work. And I am not kidding. A small bunch of us have been relocated due to some flooding at our office and one my days off they all decided to bring in cookies. So there were like 6-7 different types of homemade cookies at work today and people were talking about how they ate so many they weren't feeling well etc.. So after lunch I decided to par take & went and got this very large macaroon covered w/ Dark Chocolate. I took a couple small bites and thought to my self. This is not going to help me get strong or run faster. And I threw the rest out.  WHAT!?!?!?!  Did that really just happen??? But sure enough I didn't have the whole pity party. I didn't get sad about not eating that cookie.  I saw it as a step away from my fitness goals.  I mean really is this working????  To be honest I haven't started tracking yet but I've been eating pretty good & I have lost some weight already this week.   It just seems so odd that for all these years all I can think about is being thin, feeling sexy, being healthy and all these things are very good things & things that are still me end goal. HOWEVER now that I am thinking about my fitness goals and I just have this urge to be a competitor again. I don't even know how I would compete or that I would really compete but I want to be able to keep up w/ DH on bike rides. If we do the STP I want to be able to not be slowing us down.  I've always had a ton of leg strength so I know I can do well at riding.  My BFF & I decided today that we want to redo the Warrior Dash next year but we think we should do the same one so I can compare my runs and have the be equal. So I started thinking about how I need to train to run up hills. And it didn't scare me I didn't think I can't. I know I can but it will take lots of work and training and for some reason I can accept that to build up muscle and stamina takes time. I know that if I am reaching for my goals to be able to kick some butt at athletic things again I will lose weight.

I have almost all of next week off and we are going to work on the office so that it can become our office/gym.  Hoping to get our new treadmill next Friday and I got some weights from my Dad. So I need to get it all set up.  I am really looking forward to it! Just found out my schedule thru Jan will remain at 9AM start so I can still get up at 7AM and get my work out, shower, breakfast & Noah up for school & our lunches packed all before I need to head to work. 7 isn't that early. DH new schedule starts in a little over a week where he will be leaving the house by 3:00AM.  I mean if he can get up at that time to go to work to be the amazing provider he is for our family I can get up a 7 to take care of me and my boys. I can do this. It is worth losing that 1/2 hr of sleep in the morning.  I've been packing my breakfast & lunch all week. And we've eaten at home every night this week so far.  CRAZINESS!! I honestly don't remember the last time we ate at home this many days in a row. I already have dinner planned for tomorrow and I think I will put a roast in for Sunday and then we will have successfully eaten at home for a whole week! I've know for a long time that eating at home was going to be key to me losing weight but I really need to start tracking the calories I am eating.  I also need to get my body bug back on my arm. I want to know how many calories I am burning so can see my deficit. It also helps motivate me to work out.

Need a place to work out

I am so ready to feel sexy!!!  I told DH today I want to do the Warrior Dash in our home state next year so that I can compare. Doing it at my works compared to doing it at my best.  You hear people say I'm in the best shape of my life and it wouldn't take much for me to get there. I was in pretty good shape when I hit 130 lbs I had some muscle definition but I want to be REALLY fit.  I am struggling w/ the urge to rejoin a gym. I really want an at home gym but we just don't have room. I need a bench for free weights and a treadmill. I can get all the free weights I want from my Dad. I just need to find a way to get it to fit in my office w/ a treadmill. The treadmill will at least fold up so I could always just turn it into my gym during my work outs and then put it up against the wall when I am not working out. I think I may seriously consider that. maybe do it while DH is at work tomorrow.  I'll take before and after pics if I do it.  I will need to do some research.  :-)  I may be back to blog more tonight but if not tonight tomorrow for sure.

It's no longer a choice

Well what an eventful day I have had in my head. :-)  While doing the Warrior dash this last weekend, as we were climbing up the steep inclines I really didn't want to stop so I used the trick I learned on our hike in Cannon Beach, I needed to focus on my feet. Watch me take just the next step that was all I needed to focus on at that point in time. Since this weekend the desire to be in shape is stronger than ever. Seeing what I accomplished was great but knowing how hard it was & that the athlete inside me could have kicked butt made me want to bring that side out.  I was always referred to as tough and very athletic and man do I miss feeling like that.

Today I changed the name of this blog. It went from the Unhappy Hippo to Focusing on my feet.  This step in its self is a big deal.  It is a positive blog title not something that is calling myself fat.  Today I had a mind shift that its not a choice any more.  Losing weight & getting in shape isn't a choice it is required, just like breathing.  Forever I've said well I don't have the will power to make the right choices, I make bad choices, I used the option of choice as an excuse.  I've been wrong to think this way.  From today forward it is no longer a choice it is the way I will live. I will track & weigh ALL my food is now just a requirement, no opt out button.

I am dare I say excited to start this adventure.  Excited to cook dinner, and I can tell you it's been like a decade since I've been excited to cook. :-)  I am on a mission to find some new recipes and fall in love w/ my new way of eating & exercise.  I am excited to be able to chase after my boys, go on bike rides w/ DH w/o feeling like I need to apologize for being there, to be able to feel fit again and the list goes on and on.  My attitude had changed I love who I am as a friend, Wife & Mother but I know I have so much more to offer to each department if I wasn't being held back by this weight & asthma.  Watch out world cause I am about to become the women God wants me to be and that is pretty AMAZING!!

You have the same body....

This mornings weigh in came in at 180.2.  I've always known in order to lose weight I need to change things and stop quitting.  It just seems so much easier said than done.  On our way down to the Warrior Dash this weekend. We were talking about bodies and how I see people do such amazing things & I could just never do that. My BFF then said: "Yes you can. You have the same body made up of the same muscles they have."  Well I guess that is true.......  I've always wanted to be super fit and before marriage I secretly wanted to be Miss Fitness USA.  I have been making up excuses to justify my lack of trying when she is right. We all have the exact same muscles and so our bodies are capable of doing the same things.  So this morning even though it was a Monday & I say it is bad luck to start a diet on a Monday I started.  Knowing that tracking is the key to my success I am on the hunt tonight to find a new calorie & fitness app.  I have my body bugg but it doesn't cut it for me I need something a little more. So I'll let you know what I find.  I ate well today. May have not stayed w/in my calories but I did turn down the opportunity to pick up dinner to come home and make something instead and that is a start! Still very tired & sore from the warrior dash.  But I know I should work out some how tomorrow. I am on the look out for a treadmill via craigslist and I am going to download the couch to 5K app and start there.  I want this to be the start of the everlasting change.  I want to be able to say I did the Warrior dash & realized I can be who I want to be.  I want to do it next year but in our home state & I want to compare pics from this year and last.

And it sounds like I'll be doing the STP w/ my DH, BFF & her DH next year.  Not sure how I feel about this one yet. My BFF really wants to & says if she is doing it I have to do it.  I have great lower body strength when I am in shape so if I can get that going & my asthma under control we are good to go. I tell you one thing I want to look like a biker not a stuffed sausage on that ride.  But that is a whole 10 months away & I could be not only at weight goal but I want & need to set some fitness goals as well, I think.  I always know what I want to weight but until this last weekend I haven't had many goals that include exercise.  That is something to think about!!!!

I SURVIVED WARRIOR DASH 2013!!

HOLY COW! What a weekend.  But I DID IT!!!  So here is the tale of our Warrior Dash.

I was started getting that I shouldn't do this feeling when we got there. Tons of butterflies and what was I thinking thoughts start racing thru my brain.  I haven't trained for this, what if I can't complete an obstacle, what if, what if, what if...... You get the idea.  So we get there and the place is a mad house. Tons of people live DJ, great atmosphere.  So we get our packets and we still have and hour to wait so we find out we can really go w/ the next wave of people if we want so in line we go.  It was pretty slow at first because of the massive quantities of people. Then we hit it the first of many STEEP hills. I mean they were steeper than our hike hill in cannon beach. I start to panic a little and we have to start walking almost right away cause I can't jog up hill.  Then one of so many falls we stopped counting happened. I fall and can't hardly get up because of  the slippery mud on the hill. Here is a pic of my BFF pulling me along, not sure I could have done this w/o her.

See in the picture we are laughing. We laughed ALLOT!!!  After a set of 3 up and down hills we finally reach our first obstacle and it is the water one.  And to my pleasure we have to wait in line. People along the way were calling it the Warrior Wait because before each & ever obstacle you had a5-15 min wait before you could do it. THANK GOD!! I firmly believe that it was this wait that helped be me able to complete this w/o passing out. I was able to catch my breath & we were always surrounded by people. In this pic my DH & I are still pretty clean except for my leg that was covered from my falls.

As you can see I am a bit red in the face. I was dying already & only at obstacle one. Here is one of me geting into the water after the floating pontoon.

I was really not looking forward to getting in that water. It was over my head & pure mud. LOL!! It went right over my head & up my nose.  The next obstacles consisted of mud mounds, mud slide, run climbing pyramids and walls, OH THE WALLS.  This wall was tall it had 2x2's nailed to it for a spot to put your foot and it was very difficult for me to get up.  The rope was caked in mud and it was slipping out of my hands constantly. I was leaning against the wall & using my leg muscles to push me up on the little 2x2's and I reached the top. here is a picture that our friend too from the bottom looking up.

Well in the attempt to get down my foot slipped & my hands slipped & I fell.  ALL THE WAY DOWN. Didn't land on my feet either. My feet slipped when they hit the ground and I flew out and flat on my stomach I landed. We are talking about a 25 foot drop and it hurt. Knocked all the wind out of me I couldn't breath. The EMT that was on hand had to come over and see me. Once I started breathing again he helped me to pace my breathing and calm down. My BFF & her DH were already down at the bottom but my poor DH was at the top watching the whole thing happen.  He thought for sure I broke something. Praise the Lord I fell in the only place no boards were and was pretty much unharmed. The obstacle right after this one was another wall.  

Here I am at the top wondering how in the heck are we going to get down. I said I think I am going to skip this one.  BFF said she would if she just fell like I did. DH said No Shame in that babe.  But I knew if I skipped it I would regret it and feel like I didn't truly finish. So I did it w/ great help from DH & BFF's DH but I did it! This pic was taken right after we were done w/ the walls! 

After this we only had a couple more to go. And we had some more hills. Well after all the wind was knocked out of me the last hill triggered a full blown asthma attack.  We were able to calm it down pretty quick but still no fun.  So had to take a moment and calm down and slow my breathing down. We didn't jog much but there were so many lines at each obstacle that it took us quite a while to finish. Again I am so thankful for those lines and the crowds preventing us from really being able to run. Cause I really couldn't even if I had wanted to.

I Didn't get pics of us jumping over the fire or anything unfortunately but here are some more of our smiling faces. :-)

And of course our before and after..

After we were done we went to get our free beer, except me I can't stand beer, and some lady stopped me and said I saw you at the wall & you rocked it!  I said you mean the one I fell down and she said but you got up it. So she had seen me on the other side of the steep wall I first fell but then climbed again and got to the top she didn't see me go down. So I told her thank you but I fell the whole way down. And she said but your walking and YOU DID IT!  It made me feel amazing that some stranger stopped to tell me that I should be proud of me. 

So fall, asthma attack and all would I do it again???????????????????????  HECK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was a blast. We had so much fun. HOWEVER!  I do NOT recommend doing this w/o training first like I did. I wished several times through out the day that I had trained cause I couldn't jog I had no upper body strength when I needed it. It took us way longer than it should have. So if you want to try it I say GO FOR IT. But do the couch to 5K training and do weight training as well. I am the heaviest weight of my life & in the worst shape ever but I finished it.  Now my legs are beat up and scabbed up. I am so sore tonight I am not sure how I am going to get up & to work tomorrow. (I guess since it is now after midnight that would be today not tomorrow) But again I finished w/o any short cuts.  I did it!