Hey buddy, what am I doing?

Something has been bothering me and it has happened every year DS1 has had school.  So DS1 is now in 1st grade and he has been in school for 4 years now because of preschool & preK.  So they ask them to draw pictures of there family and his pictures always start out as electronic related.  So he will draw a pic of him self playing video games or on our iPad.  And I knew that he really enjoys when he get to do that so I tried to write it off as it is just something he enjoys so he is picking that to draw about. He only gets the iPad right before bed for quiet time and if he has a new game he will play more video games on the Wii than normal but then he goes back to busy playing w/ his legos, clay & plush guys.  When it gets to much we force an "electronic break" on him. He doesn't like it very much but it is needed from time to time.  Normally by middle of the school year he is drawing pictures of other activities that don't include an electronic device.  So here were are still fairly early into another school year and he comes home w/ a pic he drew and it is him on the iPad and I am sitting in my spot w/ what looks like my laptop. So I ask him; Hey buddy, what am I doing in your picture?  He states well I'm on the iPad and your on your laptop.  I talked to DH about it and asked am I on my laptop to much and he says no because we are always going place & I try to keep the boys busy but it still made me think about the time I sit on my ass when I could be doing something productive.  I mean here I sit as we speak however it is blogging. I wouldn't feel bad if DS1 drew me writing w/ pen and paper and this is the same thing but he doesn't know that.  I want pictures that he draws to be of me knitting or running.  I showed him the pics of our Warrior Dash and he loved them. He was so impressed, LOL! He told me how awesome Daddy & I were for doing this and I feel the same way.  I got up and did 20 mins on my treadmill yesterday but I didn't do my day one of C25K cause I woke up late & figured that 20 mins was better than nothing.  My boys however used it 3 times yesterday! They LOVE running on it & I mean full out running for both of them.

I feel as I am at a cross roads. I have lost motivation for most things. I am lacking the drive to work out & eat right & w/ my MK business I've been contemplating quitting. But I MK is what I want to do but it is so easy to use my plan B which is keep on working at my other job I have.  It is allot easier to just keep on working but it is not as much fun.  The same thing w/ my eating & exercise. It is allot easier to not change. So If I move forward in both of these items it is allot of hard work and allot of rewards that come along w/ it.  I just joined a pacesetter team for my MK business that is a 12 week program and my C25K is a 9 week program.  I have programs set in front of me telling me exactly what I need todo and it scares the crap out of me.  The pacesetter program is called rutbusting and it has allot to do w/ the way our brain works and why we are stuck in the ruts we are stuck in and Lord knows I stuck in a couple ruts that I am trying to break out of. So I asked DH today WHY?  Why do do I fight it all so much?  DH started to say something & I interrupted him and said "Do you think it is just laziness"  He said "Well I wasn't going to say it the bluntly but honestly what are you going to do today when we get home? Sit on the couch and do nothing really, unless the boys need something then you will get up and take care of it."  I am so afraid that of being busy and not being there for my family if & when they need me, that I truly take it to the other extreme and no nothing so I can be there.  That is my excuse my family is my Why & I use them as my why not.  When it comes down to it if I can do these things now I will be able to be there for my family even more.  I'll be healthier & able to play more & do more things then lets have quiet time on our electronics. If I take my MK to the next step I can quit my other job, set my own hours and go on every field trip and be there when ever my family needs me.  As of tonight I am sure I need to do these things. I've been praying & praying God show me what to do and is the silence because he has already told me or is it the constant things that come up w/ my health & MK Him prodding me to what I am suppose to be doing.

Once my MK Director asked me has people ever told you that you can't handle much?  I told her all the time. Because of my anxiety I've been told to be careful, don't overwhelm your self, etc.  Ever since I've had panic attacks I have been overly cautious. And all this doing nothing guided me into depression, that through God I have overcome. So now how do I break this habit?  That is right back to the rutbusting program I am doing.  I told DH I tell myself I just need to do everything to my fullest for 30 days and see what happens.  I know good things will be headed my way if I do that and that is huge steps in the directions in all areas of my life that I need to be headed.  So from 10/7 thru 11/6 that is 30 days.  30 days of counting calories, 30 days of C25K, 30 days of following my rutbusting plan.

There is this commercial by Nike called rise & shine. I want to wake up to it everyday it is AMAZING.  Still trying to figure out how to make it my alarm.   If this doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't think anything will.