A sad realization...

So for the last couple days I have been maintaining at my 180 lbs so this may very well be the longest I've ever been this weight. Normally I see it and I eat really good the next day or drink a bunch of water and drop down a couple pounds. Anyways I've been on the hunt for what I assumed was a chin hair. Whenever I was looking down I could feel something barely touching my skin I assumed it was a hair that was touching my head piece at work. Then went home and it was still happening and I was confused by why & what it must be rubbing on. So I went to the bathroom to pluck it out and found nothing. This morning back at work I am feeling it again. Go to the bathroom and as I am washing my hands I feel it so I look up into the mirror. I then move my chin around to try to feel it again while looking in the mirror and realized a very sad fact.  It is not a hair. It is my double chin ever so lightly touching my regular chin while I am looking down. :-( 

I seem to be hitting new lows everyday. My pants are not fitting, my chins are touching!! My anxiety is heighten. My body hurts, I have heart burn. The list just seems to keep on growing. I feel like I guilted my DH into buying me a treadmill that I've only used once so far and that was my biggest fear, that I wouldn't use it. I have everything figured out about my formula what I need to do. And yet I do nothing.  I have been going over and over everything I keep not doing, everything I could have accomplished by now. People say you can't think that way but I've spent years thinking this way and not doing anything about it.

The interesting thing is that ANYTHING I've ever put my whole heart into I've succeeded at. So when I know that I have a great track record at things I truly put my mind and heart into why do I freak out and "fail" when it comes to weight loss?  Same w/ my MK business I keep on feeling like I am not succeeding and should just give up HOWEVER I have truly not given it my best or practically even really tried.  That is the thing, dieting for a week or two isn't really trying and just because we eat out isn't a valid reason that I screw up on my diet. Because all the location we eat out at we ate at while i've lost weight int he past. I have 15 weeks until our trip to Disneyland and at a healthy 2lbs a week that is 30 lbs down, brining me to 148-150 and that would be amazing!  I am booking our family pictures for Sunday Dec 15th and the is only 4 weeks away and I would love to be down 10 lbs by then just to have some confidence in the pictures. But that means I have to stick to it.  When I decided to go off diet pop and chocolate I just did it no cheating, just did it.  It is those things that prove to me that I can do these things when I put my mind to it.

So how do I do this??? Why is it so matter of fact about somethings and others seem to have such a hold on me? I am starting to search my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my unhealthy life style? The only thing I go back to is the fact that I use food as a comfort. So between my laziness and crazy thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough at everything? I'm not kidding I tell my self that I am not good at: being a wife, a homemaker, a mom, an employee, a friend, at business, being healthy or fit..............................?????????????????????  In my mindless typing I think I've rediscovered a deep root. I've always known my self talk was bad buy when I say I literally tell my self I am not worthy. I came across this issue about 2 years ago. I knew I always had low self esteem but the root is that I have no value in my self and assume I am not worth being valued. I've put this towards all my relationships even my relationship w/ God. This is why I was terrified to fly w/o a group of people because I didn't feel like I was important enough for God to protect.  OK so I don't know why but I never made this connection to the reason my weight loss in suffering.  I've blamed my low self esteem on my weight but I don't know that I have ever blamed my weight on my low self esteem. O_O

So new idea! I know the main keys to good self esteem is positive self talk and to get up and look your best.  So not doing what I normally do on my days off I go from pjs to yoga pants. So unfortunately this goes back to getting up early again. I need to get up and start my day right. I need some positive affirmations to say first thing in the morning. I need to way up and say the things I am good at and the things I will be good at. I was in such a bad place when I got home. I wrote most of this during my lunch & breaks at work and then my brain spent the rest of the day thinking about all the negative things I've trained my brain to believe about myself. Something minor happened and I was upset to the point of wanting to cry and shaking on the inside. Looks like I have quite the journey ahead of me.