For some reason I was an emotional basket case the other day. I was crying at work and so stressed & overwhelmed. I tried to call DH to talk but he was busy w/ the boys so I wrote this note to my self to try to get things off my chest.
"I am at a breaking point. I can cry almost all the time. I don't know which way to go and what to focus on. I feel all have equal importance and so none can be left out. I feel sick,tired and unhealthy 90% of the time. I feel like I need to do something drastic to shock me into the change. Having to be at work the 3 days a week makes me miserable. Not because the job I do is so terrible but because while I am here all I can think about is what I am not able to do while I am here. I am not home with my family, I am not going on field trips and picking Noah up from school. I am not making healthy meals for my family. Yet my biggest fear is that if I were at home would I still not be accomplishing things out of laziness. Would I spend my day sitting around not taking advantage of my time at home? I want to quit my job. I want to give my notice today. Do I keep on working a job I hate so we can buy the larger house we need? Do I do the short term sacrifice of spending time away from my family while I build my Mary Kay business so that can be my income so I can be a work at home mom? I feel as if I am at rock bottom. Which means I can go up or choose to stay and wallow. Do I have the strength to go up? I know I don't, but with God I can. But how do I fight? How do I fight the constant voices telling me I'm not enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I have failed at that to many times already to try again."
This happened Friday last week. I am now just getting back to the computer to blog. I have since gotten DH cold and it is a doozy! Went to the Dr & got put on antibiotics for my lungs. She didn't think it was pneumonia but I was breathing to heavily and it could be just complications from asthma. Have I told you guys me new theory about how I don't think I have asthma. Well I mean I have it to a certain degree but I think it has more to do w/ being overweight & out of shape than an actual condition. I was originally "diagnosed" w/ exercise induced asthma in High School when I was playing basket ball. Now this started right after Volley Ball season so I wasn't out of shape but I was having problems catching my breath w/ all the running involved in basketball. I used the inhaler I think like twice and then I nothing until a year ago when I had a cold & I went in to the walk in complaining of a heaviness in my chest. And they said I had wheezing & asked about asthma in my past I said in High School and they prescribed me an inhaler. Well though out the years I learned that I am a shallow breather and So I don't think it is really asthma but more the lack of my lungs being used because I am always breathing so shallow. From what I was reading it doesn't go away as you get in shape and it is hard to catch your breath and when I was gasping and wheezing on the Warrior Dash it only took less than a minute to recover from it. So I think if I focus on my cardio I will not have the issue "asthma" anymore.
Anyways I forgot to weigh myself on Monday but Tue was 176.6 but Wed came in at 177.8. My Mom and I were talking about going to a nutritionist who does this blood test to tell you what your "magic" food combos are. It will tell you what your body isn't processing well & what it does. So I was tempted but it isn't cheap. And then I started thinking would that make the difference?? I already told my Mom if they told me something stupid like you can't eat fruit I would say screw that! So what would be the point of spending that money when I've lost weight before & I know what I should do now. A hand full of women at our Church has done this and they are shrinking and my SIL is trying to use a version of one of the diets of her friends and it is no carbs including fruit and I just can't fathom doing that. Any yet here I sit still not losing weight & not working out. I have Amazing goals ahead of me. Goals I can visualize happening but I just need to make my self do the work it takes to get there.
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