Structural Tension

I was watching biggest loser and these people were so excited that they have reached the 200's or even 300's again.  I am sitting there and all I can think is what is wrong w/ me????  I have only 55lbs to lose to reach my goal. Change is so difficult.  It is SO easy to keep doing what I've been doing but it doesn't get me where I want to be.

Yesterday I watched a video & it talked about Structural Tension.  You take a piece of paper & then write down what you want & what matters most to you at the top of the paper. And then on the bottom you write your reality.  Then between them write down the steps you need to take to get from the bottom to the top.  Mine couldn't be further from each other.  My top says things like to be healthy & in shape, be at home w/ the kids and be debt free.   Yet I work at my job which truly even though it is part time I am realizing it really seems to take more time away from my family than it should. I am tired & want to do nothing when I get home and one of my days off it is my chill day I don't want to do anything.  Or I make my self do all this running around while DS1 is at school  then in the evening I want to do NOTHING both days.  Like today I dropped DS1 at school, went to my work to make MK deliveries, trip to Costco, came home unloaded the car sat for and hour then went & picked up DS1 from school & I am beat & have done nothing the rest of the night besides getting the potatoes in the oven to bake.  Remember that whole time plan where I had to get up early & do stuff after the kids went to bed. Yeah hasn't happened yet.

I sit and contemplate what do I want my life to look like?  And I want to be active, exercise, spend time w/ my family, make my husbands lunch in the mornings, make dinner at night, go on vacations when whenever we want to,  keep my house clean, be a MK Director, Have a larger home.  So being a MK Director gives me income to be home w/ my family & yet also still get that larger home. Also w/ the option of being home & making my own schedule we can go on vacations whenever, I can have a set schedule and not feel like I am not getting other things done at home.