Putting things in perspective

There will be no discussion of weight loss today.  Today there was a terrible massacre at a CT elementary school. 27 dead 18 of which were children. He went in started in the office & then went right to the Kindergarden class room & fished there.  I am sick, I've been crying.  DS1 is in Kindergarden & I can't imagine what they families are going through.  Those poor kids & families all looking forward to the Holidays.  Probably already purchased presents & have them wrapped under the tree. :'-(  Every time my DS1 today says something about how excited his is for Christmas & I think how that is all those students were probably thinking about.  What do those families do now? Return the presents, pack them up.  I would probably go one of two ways.  Either insist on nothing being touched & everything to stay just as it was forever tree up, presents and all.  Or the other extreme not being able to enjoy Christmas or decorate because it reminds me to much.   Praise God they are in Heaven & are being comforted by the most high.  

You may say how can God let this happen. Well that is where we are blessed w/ the amazing thing called Free Will.  He didn't want to force his creating to love him he wanted them to do it on there own. Just like we do w/ our SO we don't want to force someone to love us if they really aren't there. So his gift a free will is not to tie us down to give us freedom.   So I can guarantee that God tried to stop what happened today but he can't force anyone to do or not do anything.  God will be there for the families that turn to him.  I am trying to find peace in knowing the shooter will pay for his crimes for all of eternity in Hell & the children are already healed & loving Heaven.  It is the families that are left behind that I hurt & cry for.  They pain they have to deal w/ to go on w/o there loved one.

It makes all the things I've been stressing about seem so small & unimportant. My weight, my job, money.  I rather be poor & be home w/ my kids making the most of every moment.

Not to shabby

So today is day 5.  Because my weigh in for WW is on Tuesday I am starting my weekly points over tomorrow. However I still do have some weekly points left as if I was on plan for Tue & Wed. I am a little concerned cause I feel like I failed I ate out & even had chocolate tonight.  Yet I am tracking EVERYTHING & still have weekly points left. Granted it hasn't been a full week yet but I haven't used all my weekly points.  Could this be right?   I mean I feel like I have completely blown it a day or two & it says I am still on track???  I've had someone at work already ask me if I was loosing weight & I said just a couple pounds no way she could have noticed??  

As our Christmas present DH & I are going out on the town for a night away.  Nice Hotel, shopping, Holiday lights & a nice dinner.  So I NEED to save my weekly points for Saturday so that I can enjoy my dinner & not feel like I blew it.  Although if this is actually how it works feeling like I blew it when I didn't I need to retrain my brain.  Never thought that would have been wrong about screwing up my diet.  I find this to be an interesting turn of events. We will see what the scale says.

Can you be to fat for yoga???

So I never did get an official weigh in the morning I started.  I did start though & so far things are going pretty good. The plan to not use my weekly points didn't happen but I am still not over them yet.  I am deeming my weigh in day as Tuesday even though I started on a Wed but this way it is the same day I joined WW & I really like the meeting leader that afternoon, she goes to our church.  

I love watching the "Tia & Tamara" show on style network. And today Tia recorded a Yoga DVD. DH was in the room w/ me while I was watching, not really watching but dinking around on his iPad. Anyway so DH said there you go babe get her Yoga DVD & I bet the boys will do it with you. I thought that isn't a bad idea it is a nice quiet exercise that if I ever got up before the boys I could do it in the living room w/o waking them.  Also then the boys came into the room & immediately started trying to copy to poses that were on TV.  SO I started thinking well maybe I should give it a try but I feel like I am to fat for Yoga.  I mean I can't even really bend over how am I suppose to get in these tangled positions.   But I think it is good for strength training.  DH finally found me a road bike so I can use that & the trainer w/ have for my cardio.   It think hey that could be a good balance. But I enjoy weight lifting & worry that w/o that I'll be missing that important part of weight loss for my body.  My Dad has TONS of weights so I could always go over there to do my weight training but then again it is just like finding time to get out of the house to get to the gym. So maybe the Yoga DVD & Bike wouldn't be a perfect balance but I feel like it would be a great place to start.

So do I order the DVD or use the free On Demand Yoga.  My only problem I have w/ Yoga is when they focus on meditating.  I think it would be a great outlet to think like when I went to the gym was. But when they talk about being one w/ the earth & crap, it irritates me.  The free ons on OnDemand seem to be that way.  So maybe I will go to Amazon & order them.

The great purge..

Well today was the day of the great purge. I went thru our kitchen & threw out any source of "cheat" food, junk food. I at like a crazy woman today. Polished off almost a whole can of Almond Roca since last night, ate pizza for breakfast, about 6 mini Resse's Trees, peperoni sticks, then a Burger melt & split  onion rings & fries w/ the DH.  I started to feel ill.  

SO the plan is tomorrow is the day no more repeating the past, just keep moving forward. My goal for this week is to stick to my points. I am going to try not to use my weekly points on the daily ones. I feel like if I need to do something pretty strict for the first week & then that way the next week I will feel like w/ the weekly points it will be so much easier & I can keep going.

I also joining a Biggest Loser club at my work it starts next Monday & yes the thought did cross my mind that I should just wait to start until then but no I need to start NOW!

And repeat...

Wrote two days ago

Step 1. we eat all the junk food in the house including some purchases from that day, like things I want to eat before I start my diet. Step 2. Then we go shopping for healthy food & dinners. Step 3 eat well for at least 1/2 do diet day one maybe even a day & a 1/2. Step 4. Screw up & figure might as well blow the whole day. Then repeat. This is what has happened me for the last 4 years!!!! So frustrating. Then I go back to the fact that I need to choose this everyday all day long & remember when I screw up get right back to it, I don't get the night off.

I suffer the same battle in my mind every day. It's just one more day, then all of a sudden 6 months of one more days have gone by. How to fix my brain. Prayer, This is something I have done in the past but can't do on my own right now & I need to get healthy. I don't like feeling this way.

Uncomfortable...

I have gotten to the point where I am just uncomfortable in my own skin.  I find it hard to do things I used to.  I just can't take being this big any more.  I told DH that tomorrow I stop eating forever. LOL!! But in all seriousness tomorrow I will take control. I am going to make the choice to choice to eat to live not live to eat. Will I screw up from time to time of course I will. And that is going to be the hard part that is where I normally throw my hands up in the air & say screw it.  But i am going to push forward & understand that it is not going to be a smooth road. This is what the t

true road to success looks like. Mary Kay the key to success is no matter how many times you fall you get back up, She said she had the most bruised up knees in the business.  I am going to take mesurements & new before pics tomorrow. 

Biggest loser posted this on there FB wall today & it is the truth:

It just takes the effort & you will get there!  I am going start blogging more good or bad. I am not sure how to start I feel like I need something drastic like a juice or the 10 day herbal cleanse. Just to break the habit of eating all this junk.  But witch should I do?? I just started back on my antidepressants so I know I can't take the vitamins from advocare because when I do I get WAY to jittery & it makes me have panic attacks. O_O  So then I think I should avoid the cleanse & maybe just do the whole juicing thing for a couple days.  I tried to find a jump start for WW & no real luck. WW has a simply filling plan that they suggest trying when you are stuck so maybe I will try reading up on that. 

I am having all sorts of things came up tonight after I decided that tomorrow was the day. DH ended up sick w/ a fever & when ever any of my family gets sick I end up in a panic that it is going to work it's way thru the whole house & the kids will get sick & I'll have to miss work etc.. So I am in a panic over that which makes me want to self medicate & eat junk food.  Both boys were sick last weekend w/ a fever that lasted only a day & I am hoping that is all he has.  Because of the craziness at home I didn't make it to the grocery store so lack of healthy foods in my home. But I still am determined tomorrow is the day. 

So lots of tracking & lots of focusing on why I want to lose weight.  Along w/ praying & also am making a list I am going to look at every time I want to eat something off diet.

THE LIST:

Reasons that are important to me to lose weight.   being able to move, put my shoes on easily,   having a towel wrap all the way around me, being able to see what I am shaving, be able to play w/ my kids w/o getting winded, catch my DH checking me out again, being able to strut my stuff because I'll know I look good.  

Heres to tomorrow.  

Tummy in my way

So today wasn't great but not terrible either. Boys still sick had to miss 1/2 a day at work. Well every time I wanted to eat I prayed for strength & I defiantly helped. So I went boot shopping today and realized that I can not put shoes on the same anymore.   My tummy gets in my way & I look like a fool. I had to bend over at the strange angle had to try 3 different way & times before I could reach my foot. Yet another reason I must lose weight.

Something always comes up....

So today was day one back on WW back on my depression meds. It was going great feeling really good at great for breakfast, ok for lunch. Then it happened. I felt a wave come over me and I have officially caught the boys cold. DS2 had me up until a little after 2AM this morning cause he was so miserable. And man does is thing suck! Thanksgiving is only 3 days away and it's at my house. We all have to beat this. So you know the old saying starve a fever, feed a cold? Well I ate and ate and ate. Basically 1/2 my weekly points gone on day one and the plan was to save 90% of them for thanksgiving.  DS2 just called for me again. Here we are almost 1 AM and the sick Mommy is needed.  If DH didn't have to get up so much earlier than me for work I old be asking for his help. His alarm goes off 3 hrs before mine does.

So tomorrows plan is to fight the battle agin & everytime I want to eat something not on my diet I am going to pray for strength. Cause "I can do all things through Christ!"

I have no neck

We went for a short trip to Disneyland for Holloween. My Dad has this amazing HD video camera " I love the quality of videos it takes HOWEVER. It made me Rezlize that I have no neck only a double chin. My mom & I rejoined WW almost two weeks ago at a weigh in of 178.9. Idid it for two days & then stopped and then this morning I decided to finally weigh my self again & it says I've lost 8lbs. O_O now keep in mind I have not been dieting & all my clothes are not fitting just purchased XXL pjs. So I had my DH weigh him self & it was right where I has always been for him.so I take myself in to WW for a weigh in cause I know something is wrong w/ my scale, at least when I step on it.  Granted all logic was telling me no you didn't lose but there was that glimmer of hope since DH weight seemed right. So I get there and I gained a pound. So new weigh in is at 179.9. Keep in mind this is with jeans on but that is what the 178.9 reflected as well so I wanted to be consistent.  *sigh*

So  I feel at such a loss. Watching these wonderful memories of our trip & I can count the rolls on my back & lost my neck.  I have 13 weeks before our trip back to Disneyland in Feb. I really want to see some improvement and that would mean if I did that Ivan be ready for our Anniversary Trip in Aug.  I know I am addicted to food but can't quit it. I think of how God frees people from addictions to drugs & alcohol why not my food? I then tell my self that's not the same but it IS an addiction that effects my health, my lifestyle and my family. So why not pray for deliverance?  So that is the new plan. I will pray for deliverance from my food addiction that I will start eating to live & stop eating to live.  Planning on tacking via WW and not worrying about working out yet but ,y DH did get me a road bike so I can go do some cardio in our bike trainer in the garge.  This is Thanksgiving week w/ Black Friday shopping so I normally doing eat to great this week. Plus the boys are sick, we had to get DS1 an at home nebulizer for the first time ever.  And I am PMSing so I am very stressed which also normally a trigger for food. But this is something that's need to have to let God fix because I know I am unable to.

When will I say YES?

So,  I had decided that one of my reasons for lack of success was lack of accountability & support. So I started a Facebook group w/ friends & family that wanted to lose weight. Well this is week 3 I am down 5 lbs all together but only 3 in the 3 weeks. I am not dieting at all so weight comes & goes I think I am just bouncing around some water weight.  So I guess the accountability is not the reason I am not losing.  I am always searching for the thing that is going to make it work & make it stick.  Do I hate being overweight? Yes!  Do I hate being unhealthy & out of shape?  Yes!  Will I stick to a diet plan??? So far no.  When ever I get stressed or I sware even lazy I eat some junk.  We are going to Disneyland in 24 days & I wanted to be at least down 10 lbs before then & now I am out of time for that.

DH was sent away on a biz trip last week, very last minute they called Friday & he left Saturday for Europe.  I wasn't happy but hopeful that I would lose weight while he was gone because last year when he was gone for the first time I lost 5 lbs while he was gone. But nope only 1.8.  He however lost 2 lbs while gone eating French food & is back down to 198.

What is it going to take?? My BIL is doing a prepackaged food plan from Medifast.  I am so admit about not eating prepackaged food. And then I get so mad because I KNOW how to eat, what to eat, how to work out & yet I stay over weight & unhealthy.  I have no energy to play w/ my kids at all & my 10 year anniversary w/ DH is now only 10 months away.  I want to lose 50 lbs that is 5 lbs a month.  Technically I should be able to lose it in about 6 months but my point is I am running out of time & I am stuck.  And not just in my weight but also in my MK career.  I have stopped dead in my tracks & worry about being to busy & overwhelmed.  The same goes w/ my diet I am so afraid to fail that when I start out I don't plan on making it & so of course come 2 days in I screw up & say well I knew I would.  What I noticed this week is I am wanting to be anorexic, Well like I was in High School. I ate very little but I did eat mainly candy, LOL!! But that was when I got down to my lowest weight ever! Granted I was 17 & I don't expect to ever see 111 lbs again but I do want 125-130.  I know skipping meals works but won't work for the long run & I blame that when I did that in High School screwed up my metabolism forever.

So with such crazy thoughts going thru my head, I start wondering do I need to go on something w/ prepackaged food?   Am I that far gone that I need that?

Hello again Hello......

Here I am at a new all time weight high, 178.2!!!  Can you believe it??? I am to the point where my wedding ring isn't fitting anymore. I have to take it off at night cause I swell up & it hurts. All my clothes are to tight I had to go buy some size 18 jeans.   I can't seem to stop stuffing food in my face.  I am not sure what to do.  I am lacking motivation of any kind.  My sweet doggie Petunia will only be with me for another week or so. We are having to put her down & I just don't know how to handle it.  I had to put my training sessions on hold again due to DS1 swimming lessons.  And DH is probably going to be doing the triathlon in Sept. So he will need to pick up his training for that.  I am still in a place where I find it selfish to do stuff for me. Just thought I would give an update. My Mom & I were going to work on our weight loss together & that lasted all of a week I lost my 5 lbs & now I am up a little over 6 lbs.  So lost.......

Started TODAY!!!

Well I started my LA Weight Loss plan again today.  The plan calls for Juice, (48 hr Hollywood Diet) Protein, Green Vegies & 2 La Lite bars.  So I don't have the bars but I did sneak a few spoonfuls of some sweeten strawberries.

Weight in: 175.4 (an new all time high)

Stuck to the plan but the scale doesn't look to positive tonight.  I decided today was the day for so many things not only my diet & fitness but I need to run forward w/ my MK biz.  So what happened today?  It was one of those days that makes me wish I drank!!!  I had horrible training at work & they are making some BIG changes that are going to make the customers I talk to daily miserable & there is nothing we can offer them so our training had a good portion of how we need to just stand our ground yet be empathetic.  Then I went to the mall w/ my little guys while DH was on a ride & my 6 year old has a fit.  A FIT!!! In the middle of the mall he is flailing about & crying. In the midst of his flailing he pulls my shirt down & exposes my whole boob!! I was wearing a bra of course but still!! So we throw all this on top of day one of dieting. LOL!! I was totally ready to throw in the towel for some carbs & sweets. HOWEVER I didn't. This is going to work!  "I can do ALL things through Christ"

Well the decision has been made....

So I talked it over w/ DH & he thinks I do need to do something like LA Weight loss again. Something a little more restrictive for me so I don't try to justify what I am eating.  SO tomorrow I am cutting chocolate(again) & ALL pop out. Plus I am starting the LA Weight Loss plan again.  I found my books & got some updated info. My Mom is going to do it w/ me & she is also going to join my gym & go w/ me one Saturday mornings and maybe Wed afternoons too.  Taking measurements & hoping that having a buddy & this plan will work it's magic once again.

How are we going to fix me??

OK, so today was another beautifully frustrating day.  DH was at a car show so just the boys & I again today.  So much craziness & things going wrong.  Started the morning off w/ DS2 peeing all over our big chair. Had to take the cover off to wash it & then as I was changing him he peed on our ottoman.  Then DS1 dropped his 3DS in the dog's water bowl & then it not working.  DS2 decided to throw fits & cry 90% of this morning. So while I am trying to take apart the 3DS to get the water out he is screaming trying to crawl up my legs asking me to pick him up. We had to go to the grocery store, out of milk, so off we went. To try to pick up the boys moods we went thru a drive thru for milk shakes. I always get them one & an extra cup to give DS2 some. well as I was dividing it out I dump milk shake all into my lap. My Mom was with me & kept telling me I was missing some of the milk shake. Looking down I could see nothing and my poor Mom had to be the one to tell me it was under my fat belly roll.  So Now on our way to the store my jeans & bottom of my shirt stiff & wet from Vanilla Milk shake. We get to the only for me to find out I left my debit card at home. And all this before noon!!!  After events like that I just want to scream from the roof tops. I was able to have some down time tonight & watch a movie w/ DH. So I was thinking about how on earth am I going to make this work. I need to diet because that is no time away from the family. Wondering if I should put the whole gym them on hold all together until I get eating under control.  SO I need some structure & accountability. Even though Weight Watchers works great I abuse the point system by what I choose to eat. I am not sure if that is because I feel like I have to many options or because of the rebellious side of me that is convinced that it isn't fair that I have to suffer this way.  I was thinking about joining LA Weight Loss at home so that I can keep my options limited.  Not sure what I am going to do but I feel like counting calories & WW just has to many options. :-/

I am going to get ice-cream & NO I DON"T want to talk about!!!!

Hello day 24 of the 24 day challenge. I don't know that anyone has every blown it as much as I have. A little over a week ago I was feeling really good. Like surely I must have lost some inches because I'd been eating less, thanks tot he vitamin packs.  So I asked my Mom to retake my measurements at my belly button so I could be excited.  BAD IDEA!!! Not only did I not lose any inches & was 3/4 of an itch bigger! O_O  So I have been on an eating bing ever since.  This morning I've hit a new weight high of 174.4.

We had company tonight & I am surrounded by people who have lost lots of weight (thanks to medicated speed) My DH who just finished the STP & is in the best shape of his adult life & then there is me: FAT, UGLY me!  So on top of this our company & DH want me to put my Dog of 11 years down, Work issues, & some other issues that I won't put on a public forum. Then DH has decided that he is going to go ahead w/ the sprint triathlon.  So I am feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.  How do I fix this???  I need to make my MK biz a priority so I can get out of my other Job that is going to be much worse very soon w/ a bunch of policy changes that are effective 8/1/12.  But it all goes back to taking time away. Now DH needs 3 days a week to train for the triathlon so I feel like any working out days for me are now being taken away again. He said hey you should do it w/ me. And I said: "We can't train at the same time we have kids. It doesn't work like that for us."  I feel again like I am sacrificing & that I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know if I am EVER going to make myself & my needs & wants a priority. Even w/ the encoragement of DH that I need to do these things, I don't.  He tells me to go to the gym after the kids go to bed but that is sacrificing my us time & I don't want to give that up so I say no & I hate getting up early. So between me taking those times out & the 3 days DH needs to train I feel like I have nothing left even for my MK biz.  

I tried to eat right today figuring that that is something I can do that doesn't take time away from anyone & after my bad night I put DS2 to bed, got DS1 his snack brought the monitor out to DH & told him I am going to get Ice cream. He wanted to know if I was cranky I told him yes, very. He wanted to know why I told him reasons he doesn't want to talk about. Because he can't sand it when I talk bad about myself.  I am so frustrated!!  I have so much I want to do & accomplish. The killer part is that I know what I need to do but I don't know how I am going to get myself to do it.

10 day cleanse over

So here we are at the end of the cleanse & the only thing I managed to do was eat take the what the box contained & eat like a pig. I have gain weight & again have a new all time high of 173. Not such a good 10 days. I had a had such a great attitude yesterday I was going to blog w/ TW topic: A new attitude. For the first time in forever I had the desire to be athletic not just thin but really wanting to be in shape. I thought that is IT, my mental turn around I've been waiting for!! Then we had a situation arrive last night w/ DS1 and it upset me & stressed me out. This Morning I got up & went for a 20 min bike ride & felt so out of shape! It would take me 4 mins go go around 2 blocks w/ a slight incline. And I was huffing & puffing (so much so I am thinking about going to the walk in clinic to check in my chest cold) so then I get frustrated & mad that it was so hard & think about how I've been working out since March & have nothin to show for it because of the lack of being consistent. So in my stress & feeling stupid I spent the ENTIRE day eating!! And I mean I was eatting the whole time I was at work. Making myself numb for a little bit.

Day 7...

Well today wasn't all bad. Started the day w/ a new all time high in the scale 172.8! But thanks to some revelations that took place & an attitude adjustment. I didn't let it get to me. God was really showing me love yesterday after a couple of really down days. I remembered that I need I ky to turn to Him for help & it will be there cause I can do all things through him!! So even though this is now looking more like the 17 Day challenge instead of the 24. I am still hopeful. Tomorrow is the 4th of July so eating right isn't going to be easy but I am not going to worry as much about the rules of avoiding white starches. I am going to track what I eat the rest of the week good or bad & then look at my calorie intake. Tomorrow more of the nasty. Fiber drink. Going to get up early so I can drink it & it can run its course before we leave for the river. I am not about to do that in a out house! O_O

Day 5 total brake down...

Today was pointless & frustrating. Had a good breakfast but then we had a BBQ b-day party and I ate fries, a burger, macaroni & potato Salad, cake & m&m's. Then spent the rest I the day beating my sled up & telling my self how unattractive & fat I am. DH hit a new weight loss low. My brother is now down a little over 30 lbs in less than to months. I want that instant gratification but i can't seem to stick to something for even 2 days. Ok vet over.

Day 4...

Can't seem to go a whole day w/o messing up. Today I did great all day again until dinner & then we went out for Mexican.  I just want to stuff my face w/ nachos, chocolate & pop!!!  I have not pop or nachos, we do have chocolate in the house because of starting to potty train DS2 but I am still doing pretty well w/o chocolate.  The 10 day cleanse is 1/2 way through & I've lost nothing!! All because I have no discipline.  My DH again says that a day here & there is OK & that is how life works. I know on WW I wouldn't have felt like I was doing so bad because of the eating out guide.  I will continue w/ the cleanse & then start the vitamin packs & see if that helps w/ my appetite control.

I have such highs & lows everyday. Earlier today I was going to conquer the world. LOL!  I was going to clean the house after I went to Costco then go to the gym when DH got home. I had thought about how important this is for me & how I CAN DO IT & I was excited. Then I came home & sat down for lunch. And it all went down hill after that. I didn't do anything by the time DH got home he then got cranky cause the house was such a mess. The kitchen was a mess so we didn't want to cook, so we went out to eat. Then because the house was a mess we didn't want to go home so we went and wandered around Cabella's until the boys bedtime then came home. Now it is late there is NO way I am heading to the gym & I am fighting my late night munchies I get every night.  *AAARRRUUUGGG!!"

Day 3...

Well I did it again. Did super good during the day but tonight DH & I had a movie date night & went to Cinnebar & had potato skins & a brownie.  DH still thinks if I splurge a day or two here & there it won't spoil the hard work on the rest of the days. When I lost all that weight on LA weight loss every Wed & Thur I would splurge & eat like crazy gain at least 3 lbs & then spend the rest of the week trying to lose it again plus some & I did.  We were listening to Linkin Park on the way home & some of the lyrics from "Crawling" make me think of me so much.


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

[Chorus]

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge:]


Hoping that I will see results even w/ these couple days I've not kept exactly to the plan. Should go to the gym tomorrow. It has been over 2 weeks but DH has errands to run early so I am not sure I will make it but I am setting my alarm to be out of here by 6:45. How ever here it is 2AM.  

Day 2 of 24 Day Challenge

Well Day one went perfect. So good in fact my weigh in was 169.8 this morning. HOWEVER I totally blew it tonight.  I did well all day & then when I got home, we have all had a nasty chest cold, so we were all a little cranky & he said lets go to Dick's for dinner. My FAVORITE greasy burger & fries EVER!! I caved.  I did only get one cheese burger & fry instead of 2 like normal but then My Mom called.  She asked me to go out to Outback w/ her & a friend so I did & ordered a salad. Then they gave us a free Bloomin Onion & it was the best Bloomin Onion we have had in a looooooong time. So I ate WAY to much today.

In true me fashion let the beat your self up begin! I have been ragging on myself because I can't even keep on a diet for 2 whole days & then it spreads to every area of my life.  I think about what would happen in my life if I actually did what I planned to do. I would not just have dreams come true I would be making them come true.  I would be healthy, fit & happy w/ me. My MK biz would be booming  I would be able to leave the job I hate & stay at home w/ my boys.  DH told me tonight that maybe I need to starting focusing on the things that while change for us as a family if I put myself first.

Tomorrow is a new day & I plan on the rest of this time to go the way it should!!

Who's afraid of spandex??? Apparently I'm not....

Good Morning of Day 1 of my 24 day challenge.  So far so good. I downed that nasty drink & had eggs & fruit from breakfast.  My morning weigh in is 172 lbs. And I took my before pics it always irritates me when I see before & after pics of people that didn't have much to lose in the first place that where loose clothing in the first one & then spandex in the second. So I took my pic in full on spandex & will take my pic on day 24 in the same outfit.

I appologize for the lack of make up. EEKKK!! Didn't notice that until I was posting these pics.  As you can see I also smiled in my before pic something most people don't do & then I always think well of course your face looks better your smiling this time. LOL!!   I realize this maybe the first time some of you may have seen what I look like SO you can see how much of an apple shape I really am. Hopefully at the end of 24 days we will all be able to see some change.

My Measurements....

So I took my measurements today & tomorrow I will take my before pics & my start weight.

Bust:  45" (the same as it was in March)
Chest: 38 1/2" (right under bra)
Waist: 45 1/2 " (right at belly button)
Hips:
R thigh: 24"
R Calf: 14"

All the products came today like I expected so tomorrow I have to down the fiber drink.  Personally I think it is like drinking drano.  I do not like it at all & I will always gag at some point, gag to the point that I have fight w/ all I have to keep it down.  I have "done" the cleanse before w/ no results but didn't diet at all while I was doing it. Why I don't know but the rules are pretty simple, meat (preferably lean), Dairy, Fruit & Veggies & all carbs need to be whole grain. My luck is potatoes are technically OK so I will be having eggs in the morning. I think I will hard boil some as well for work. I could have hard boiled eggs & wheat peanut butter toast. YUM!! This will be the first time I have used the MMS C vitamin packets but it doesn't have the extra energy & between my antidepressants & the MMC 3 (that includes the extra energy)  I had a panic attack so bad I threw up, 3 times!!! o_o   So I am hoping this will not have adverse effects & I will be taking Catalist for the first time & this is suppose to help you keep your muscle & lose more fat.

I am at the point right now where I really want to see what will happen if I stick to it.  24 days isn't that long it is just a little over 3 weeks.  I will have to watch what I eat when we go to Great Wolf & on the 4th of July but I have pulled it off before. Just need to pack smart foods. Everyone keeps reminding me that I know what to do I just need to do it.  Fingers crossed that the cleanse takes away some cravings & the vitamins that help control my appetite will help get my eating under control.

Hoping this chest cold passes quickly.

My chest cold is still kicking my butt. I am coughing my head off & I can't stand it. I did reschedule my training session for Wed so hopefully I'll be feeling better by then.  My 24 day challenge will arrive tomorrow but I am sure it will be to late in the day to start it so I am still planning on starting Wednesday.   I plan on taking my measurements although I am sure they are the same as my trainer took in March.  I'll have my Mom help me so that they are accurate & also take my pics, I am going to do front, back & profile pics.  I should print them out & place them on my fridge & cupboards that alone should be enough to make me eat correctly.  DH & I talked about me going to the gym in the morning for just cardio & then my weight training on Wed afternoons & Sat Mornings. He thinks I should just do my cardio around here by going for a run then I could sleep in even more.  So I told him I would rather go for a bike ride than a run. So he is going to take me out & show me some local routes that aren't to difficult.

"The way to get started......

We had the boys B-Day party w/ the family this weekend & DS2 ended up w/ a double ear infection. We have all be fighting this chest cold & his went into his ears so he spent the whole party laying around. Now I have it full blown & am thinking about rescheduling my training session tomorrow until Wednesday but then it will have been 2 weeks since I've been to the gym.  I am in SEVEAR depression mode.  I had gotten to the point where even if something negative was going on I could find the positive. (like the glad game from Pollyanna) But now I am slipping back into my self destructive mode. I was eating chocolate in small quantities. Like the Hershey Bliss size but I found my self craving it more & getting in a funk even.  I am starting to wonder if that has something to do w/ my depression.  I know that chocolate causes you to release endorphins that make you happy & maybe they also are part of my crashes. I've even been contemplating a trip back to the Dr to have my depression meds upped. I have ordered the cleanse & vitamins from Advocare again.  I even overnight shipped them so I will be getting them on Tuesday so I can start on Wednesday.  I hate the cleanse part because it tastes SO bad but I am hoping it will help w/ the cravings & I got a whole canister of Spark in hopes that I can get off 98% of my pop intake.  I still plan on having one w/ dinner but right now I am drinking at least 3 a day and that is 150-220 calories each.  I am drinking my calories away.  As for eating during the cleanse I am not sure they say to stick to lean proteins, whole grains & fruits & veggies, This means I need to maybe have toast w/ peanut butter at work for breakfast & stick to eggs at home.  DH says I need to figure out my meal plan & calories for the meals so I can plan that way too. We have a TON of meat in our freezers; Fish, Chicken, Steak, pork, beef......  I think I am going to try the calorie thing cause hopefully it will help me cut the pop out because that is wasted calories.

So my goal is to complete the Advocare 24 Day challenge starting Wednesday. 24 days seems like such a short time but if it can help me get on track I NEED to do this.  I have even been contemplating taking all my spending money & paying for an extra training session every week for a month.  But I've also realized that the best time for me to go to the gym is Mon & Fri Mornings before work meaning I need to leave here by 5:40AM but then I am not taking time away from my family & that will help w/ the guilt part of it.  So I know my trainer doesn't want to do that, he has told me he isn't a morning person. So I think OK Wed evening after DH gets home from work I will train w/ him then Mon, Fri & Sat Mornings I'll go my self.  So two days weight training & two days cardio.  I could even make Mon & Fri my cardio days & that means I don't have to leave as early cause I a don't need the full 40 mins so I could leave at 6AM & be back here by 7AM to shower.  This is going to take allot of preplanning.  I am going to need to pack lunches, get the boys stuff ready to go the night before along w/ my gym clothes & my work clothes.  Plus the dinner planning. This will not be easy or fun but SOOOOO worth it.  I need to take some time in the next two days to get this going.  I need this chest cold to go away so I can get to the gym.

The STP is less that 24 days away so part of my 24 day challenge I will be on "vacation" Well meeting DH at the 1/2 way point & we are all staying at the Great Wolf Lodge. I will have to pack veggies, fruits & I will have to be creative for dinner while were are there.  I am also helping throw my BFF's baby shower at her Mom's that day on our way down to Great Wolf.  But my BFF is having massive gall stone issues w/ this pregnancy so everything at her shower has to be fat free or she can't eat it so that won't be a problem there.

I need to realize that I am worth doing this, that this is going to improve the Mom I am to my kids.  Then maybe I will stop feeling guilty about taking the time to do this.  This is kind of me time that I don't enjoy. Maybe this is also why it is hard because I figure if I am going to have me time I want to be w/ my family snacking & visiting.  Well lets start the planing & preparing. The starting line is only 2 days away.   I plan on taking before & after measurements & pics.  Lets see what this 24 day challenge can do when you actually stick to it & complete it. I am hoping for an 8-10 lbs weight loss & at least 5 over all inches.  I am going to try to post something every day of the challenge & I will post my measurements & before pics as well.

It's Sabotage....

My DH is looking so good.  I mean I find my self checking him out ALL THE TIME!! He just got under 200 lbs he is 5' 10'' and all this bike riding & getting him in such great shape.  The part that sucks is my internal reaction to that is frustration, jealousy & depression.  The instant I think about how great he is looking in those jeans, I think how terrible I look & how he can't possibly look at me & think thoughts like this about me.  *Sigh*  He is out riding in the rain right now after he rode 190 miles this weekend and I can't even get to the gym.

I rescheduled my training session for this wednesday so it will be will be 3 weeks w/ only 2 trips to the gym.  I am in trouble It is going to be like day one 3 months ago.  SO FRUSTRATING!!!  I am in total shut down mode & trying to push past it.  I know God has grand plans for me & this is a large part of what is holding me back in so many ways.

 Last night I spent a while online looking at different diet programs.  I need accountability and the way WW does it didn't work for me.  I LOVE the way LA Weight Loss did it; one on one.  That was motivating cause I had to sit across from someone & explain what I ate. My Trainer says we can work on food when I want but he doesn't want me to worry about it until I get working out under control & that obliviously isn't under control yet.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I am so stuck!  It is so frustrating & esp when I know that it comes down to really just a decision and why can't I make it & make it stick.  I feel the need to do something drastic.  I don't know what I just know I need to see some results to help me stick to it cause so far I just have 3 months of working out & NOTHING!!!  But I don't want to use any pills or cut out any food groups.  I want to do it the right way. My SIL was prescription Fen Fen for 3 months & the my brother got put on it too. She lost 30 lbs in 3 month & my Brother is only at the end of month 1 & he is down 20.  They have the same Dr. as me & he told me just to tell her that I can't put the fork down.  But w/ my anxiety disorder I can't take stuff like that. It would make me go even crazier than I already am.  My SIL called me the 2nd day she had taken it & had been up since like 3AM unable to sleep totally buzzed cause the stuff is basically speed it speeds up your metabolism crazy fast & takes away your appetite & practically your desire for food. SIL had a really hard time making her self eat on it cause she said food wasn't appealing at all.   They all try not to talk about their weight losses around me cause they know how mentally self destructive I get seeing all of them melt away & NOTHING happening for me. It comes down to self sabotage for some reason my mind/body is fighting this so hard I barley have time for anything.  This makes me so depressed that I literally get NOTHING  done not house work, MK work, hobbies I am even have an extremely short fuse w/ my kids & that isn't fair to them. I need to figure this out. I HAVE to make something work!  But what???

Going no where fast.....

So, here I am I have hardly made it to the gym for the last 2 1/2 weeks & I meet w/ my training for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks tomorrow. I am going to DIE!! I wish I was seeing results from working out. I cut back my training sessions to every other week this month to save money but then as soon as I didn't have a session I didn't go.  Why is it so hard to be disciplined for me??  I am realizing that I still feel guilty when ever I go to the gym because that is more time away from my family.  I also still fill guilty working my business for the same reasons.  I feel like the easy way out is to just focus on one thing but then again I am not willing to give up my business & I really don't want to be overweight, out of shape, unhealthy & feel unattractive anymore.

DH has been training for the STP bike ride & he has been riding at least twice a week for a few months now, granted he did take a couple weeks off here there. But this is such a commitment for him & something he wants to do & so I am being as supportive as I can. And I am sure he doesn't feel guilty about going on rides and he shouldn't! He needs these rides to prepare him for the STP.   He is always telling me to go to the gym but it is SO hard to leave when the house is in chaos. My 2 year old is going through separation anxiety & w/ my regular job, my business & working out I feel like I am not getting the family time I want.  I keep on telling myself all this is a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. I just can't seem to get past the guilt in my mind.  I don't fault ANYONE else for going to the gym/working out so why do I fault myself for it??  I don't even know if it is motivational issues like I've always assumed it was. I think it may really be the guilt talking me out of things. It makes more since as to why i am not sticking to it.  I get stressed about my family time. But then this doesn't explain why I haven't been successful at dieting.  That doesn't take any time away from my family but the guilt is 90% of the reason I eat.  I get depressed because of what I haven't done & how I could be at my goal weight by now or at least 1/2 way there.  So frustrated!!!!  And I hesitate to say well tomorrow is the day because I have failed so many times. Need to remember that a failure is an event not the person. But it is hard to disconnect the two.

A New all time High.....

I don't know how or why but I hit an all time high for weight while not pregnant. I hit 172.2 this morning. So I am attempted to stick to juicing for the next two days & today was successful. So we will see how tomorrow goes. It didn't put me in the best mood & so not much positive to say so I thought I would just drop a line & give an weight update.

Can't seem to stop eating...

So this week I managed to make it to the gym 3 times already & I am planning on going again tomorrow morning. So if I count Monday as the start of my week that is 4 times last week!! That is huge. I did my trainer routuine twice & tomorrow will make my second day of 30 mins of cardio.  Yet  I manage to gain weight this week. I am still not over eating & on Thursday & Friday I didn't eat to bad at all. But DH is still losing down 20 lbs now & I am still gaining.  Now truth be told I am not gaining & gaining just fluctuating between 168-170 but I am never 168 for more than a day.  I would LOVE to see it start going down steadily instead of down less than a lb & then right back up.

The horrible thing about it all  is eating right is just a decision away.  I know what you're thinking. No it's not that easy, it takes more than that.  But really think about it.  It isn't when we make a true decision we run w/ it.  Like my decision to get a trainer, to stop eating chocolate & drinking diet pop, to start my MK business. All those things have come to pass because one day I said I decided.  When I truly decide to change my eating I will be able to do it. I've done it in the past but for some reason I keep on giving myself reasons not to.  I say tomorrow I will start then I tell myself well you need a good breakfast, those calories really won't make that big of a difference, you're exercising now anyways.  Or I'll eat good for lunch but figure that gives me the right to eat what I want the rest of the day.  I am very much still about self gratification through my eating habits figure I've cut out chocolate & diet pop & I still want that on a daily basis but I resist.  Then I feel justified to eat the other things.  I am trying to decide what rough to take, & this too is just another excuse,  I don't know if I should go w/ weight watchers, the LA weight loss route or just try counting calories.  I got the spark people app on my phone & that has a great database of food but the idea of calorie counting bugs me it sounds like to much work. The points w/ WW was pretty simple but still lots of work.  I was thinking about LA weight loss again it was super simple. 2 proteins, 2 starches, 3 veggies, 3 fruits, 3 condiments. The one thing that bugged me about that was that what if I wanted more than 2 proteins a day like bacon & eggs for diner that is a good protein filled meal but not on my list.  Again like I said these are all excuses to delay to decision.

I have been having mini breakthroughs in so many areas of my life & I feel that if I can conquer this I will be able to have even more because my weight & self esteem is such a big part of what holds me back & is a large part of my lack of self worth.  Should my weight have this large of an effect on my WHOLE life? NO, absolutely not & I am covering new ground everyday in that battle but I think this would be a huge step in the right direction.

The last few days from Hell.....

Well, The last few days have been complete Hell. Only because of what I manage to do to myself.  Complete & total self sabotage.  I beat myself up all week about what I wasn't doing & I just sat depressed & did nothing to change it. Had my schedule all set out to get my MK stuff done & booking calls made & got juice to juice during my days off & didn't do any of it!  SO then I just beat myself up. It effects my mood so much, I get depressed & cranky & want to do nothing & my kids & DH feel it and I feel bad. So I made myself go to the gym tonight when I didn't want to & on the way over there God & I had a chat.  I started wondering why these last few days were so terrible then God made me realize that it is because I am close to a break through. The statement the calm before the storm really is backwards in this situation. I am about to break through in so many areas of my life and the devil is fighting against me because he knows how powerful I will be w/o these things weighing me down & holding me back.  I still feel I need a go to phrase of verse that I can chant when I feel frustrated. SO I am on the hunt & I will share but tomorrow is going to be an AWESOME day!

Tomorrow....

So tomorrow is several things it is my 5th week w/ my trainer & it marks 8 weeks w/o chocolate or Diet pop.  So at my first training consult he told me not to expect results for 6-8 weeks & I thought that was ridiculous but here we are going on week 5 & I have nothing to show for it!  Only because I am not dieting.  I am worried that because I have been "training" for over 30 days he will want to retake my measurements & that there will be no change. He told me that because my working out is so limited I would really need to focus on my food & I still haven't really done that. Last week was better but still no where near what it needs to be. Considering Juicing Tue & Wed.  The only problem there is I got allot of fruit at the grocery store & I don't want it to go bad.  I need to do something to reset my brain so I am not always in a Oh well attitude about food.

I need a trigger statement or something. So that every time I think it doesn't matter & want that instant gratification of eating I can say something to my self that makes me stop & regroup.... All thought the statement: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" really irritates me, LOL!! So that will not be what I think. I have been working against my negativing & lack of self worth allot lately so I am being attacked ALLOT more.  It is really taking it's tole but I know God will bring me through to the other side to be the person He intends me to be. :-)

The possibilities of 5 months!

I have almost exactly 5 months until Hawaii.  I've been thinking & talking to DH about how much I could accomplish in 5 short months.  Not only could I lose around 40 lbs I could also move up in my career path & become a Director in MK. Directorship means being able to pay off debt & then eventually quit my other job & be home w/ my boys & work my schedule when I want to work. Being able to take DS1 too & pick up from school.  I just thought of something I hadn't before & that is the opportunity to attend field trips.  His preschool has always just happened to have them on my days off. But I bet there will be Monday or Friday field trips and I want to be a part of that, like my Mom was.  I can add that to my "Why".  Focusing on losing weight won't take much more time away if I managed to eat right.  That is a big part of why I am not losing weight.  Sure I am working out now & not eating anymore food than I was before but I am drinking regular pop & that is added calories.  I am terrified that when the time comes to take measurements w/ my trainer again I will not have any change.  I really need to start & stop putting this all off until tomorrow, cause we all know tomorrow never comes.

I have been working really hard on my negative thoughts & I am getting much better at them. So I don't beat myself up as much but still not where I think I am capable of doing things. My new empowering

phrase is Proverbs 31:25

 

This verse inhabits everything I want to be.  I know working to become this women will not be easy but it is something that God will bless my efforts to achieve it.

My personal training sessions are going well except for the fact that I didn't make it back to the gym or for a bike ride this week & my apt isn't until Wednesday this week.  I am going to try to only eat carbs once a day the rest of this week & I think that will help w/ my reset my thinking for eating right.  That way I am not cutting it out but I am bring down the amounts.  I canceled my WW membership because it was $40 a month & I wasn't going to the meetings. I downloaded another app that helps you track points but I don't really like it.  So I downloaded Sparkpeople & that goes by calories & I am thinking about going that route it's database of food is much larger than even the WW app was.

Well I should try to get some sleep I have sick boys in my house: DH, DS1 & DS2 so I have been working hard on being there for all 3 of them. This means been up for the last 2 nights w/ DS2, dealing w/ emotional melt downs from DS1 & then the hubby well we all know that when mean get sick they turn into big babies.

One last thought; today marks 7 successful weeks of no chocolate in any candy form. Oh and no diet pop either.

Better start eating right

Hawaii is 22 weeks away still time to lose 44 lbs. However I worked out really well this week we are talking my training routine twice at the gym, a 12 mile bike ride & a little hike. And yet I still managed I gain weight somehow. :-/ I have been 169-170. I am not eating more so I don't know what I going in. My trainer say that I can't pay any attention tithe scale yet cause I started lighting weights. I don't know I am glad we took measurements & I hope in a couple weeks when we retake them that I can see a difference there. I packed up my snacks for tomorrow & I have a WW app on my phone again & I need to start tracking again. The App I have isn't the official WW app so it's list of Pre entered food is pretty lame. So it isn't easy to enter the info yet but that is just an excuse. Anyways, just wanted to pop in. I will update again soon.

Week 3 and Gaining

So tomorrow is my 3rd training session w/ my trainer and I have been gaining weight steadily. 😒 I haven't been eating anymore food but I haven't been eating less either. I think part of the blame goes to the amount of regular pop I started drinking since going off I diet pop & chocolate. This is the first week thy I've done more exercise than just my training session. So I ha my session on Monday & then I went back in on Friday & did it again, then we went for our first family bike ride of the season on Saturday. We did 12 miles so that was a vast improvement from my first bike ride last year. I am sure some I the lunges & leg presses helped w/ that. Then today we went for a walk/hike to explore this park by our house. I was in my skirt still from
church. So this was not planned or expected but it did make me sweat & get a bit winded. Needless to say w/ all the extra leg work this weekend I am not looking forward to the gym tomorrow. I took a look at the measurements he took on our first day of training & that are not good. My chest & stomach (aka around largest part of books & at belly button) are the SAME!! I am like a tree! If I am remembering the number right it was 45inches. 45 INCHES 8-0 I am only 59 inches tall! So back to the blog title about the Hippo, remember hippos are as wide as they are long, so I am only 14 inches from that. NOT GOOD!!!

However, even in light of all this I am feeling positive about this week. Got some fruit & salad for work tomorrow. And I am still working through thinks w/ God and I can do ALL things through Him. He is Risen, Happy Easter!!!

It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high

So much has been going on.  I had this massive epiphany, thanks to my loving SIL.  I always known I've had low self esteem & blamed my weight problem etc.  Well I came to realize that my route of 99% of my issues w/ weight, self esteem, worrying, even my relationship w/ God has been effected by this. So it's not just self esteem I have no self worth.  I honestly have the feeling that I am not worth anything to anyone not even God.  The reason I won't fly w/o a bunch of my family is because I don't believe that God would keep me safe because I am not worth it. The reason I feel inadequate for my husband & always worry about him leaving me is because I don't feel I am anything.  I don't stick to things because I don't deserve them or I am not worth it.  WOW what a terrible/wonderful realization to come to. After 32 years of my life I know I wasn't brought up this way so I happened later on.  When DH & I were first married I didn't feel like this I would have flown to the moon w/ just him no worries.  I know that my depression & anxiety have taken a hold of me & started attacking my self worth.  Because I felt like a burden to people w/ how crazy I am.  I now realize these are not of God & not the way He made me. He made me & then broke the mold there is no one else out there like me. And my amazing Husband only has eyes for me. God made us for each other.  I have had a very difficult past couple weeks after coming to this realization.  I have been fighting the devil & all the thoughts of self doubt & lack of self worth that come into my brain. That is not the way God wants me to think or talk about his creation. I have been doing lots of affirmations in the mornings to help & it is helping allot!  But the fight is a daily struggle & I've told my husband & he had no idea I felt that way about my self & it kind of made him understand a little about why I have my crazy thoughts & feelings.

So we are on a new path of self appreciation & acknowledging that I am worth allot. I am a Child of the most high King. My husband loves me & picked me.  I just got back from MK Career Conference & am motivation to use this to get my business to the next level so that I can quit my other Job & do something I love: Teach & help women enrich their lives.  I have my first recruit on my team & I know this is where God wants me. He has brought me back here several times & this time I am hear to stay & praying & trusting God to bring me through to Directorship.

I also started training sessions w/ a personal trainer last week & I about died. LOL!  It took about 4 days until all the soreness went away & today I went again & he kicked my butt again. I mean my legs already hurt & he said well you did better this time so we will make it 3 sets next week. I feel like saying are you crazy I barely survived.  I have never sweat this much during work outs. It is madness. Well it is late & I should sleep. For those of you wonder I am still off Chocolate candy & Diet Pop & with the 5 1/2 hour drive to Career Conference this last weekend it was a hard task. I wanted Chocolate for the trip soooooo bad but I stuck to my guns & haven't had the stuff yet.

GULP.....

So I have a couple big things going on right now.  Still no chocolate candy or diet pop still good there. We have officially decided to take a trip to Maui this September!!  Yes we are talking only 6 short months away. However at 2 lbs a week I can reach my goal of 130 way before 6 months.  So I am going to meet w/ a personal trainer this Wednesday & maybe start working w/ him.   So I am excited & nervous about both things.  I have a fear of flying. I will fly but I like to bring as many people w/ me as possible. I figure there is safety in numbers.  So the fact that I'll be getting on a plane for a 6 hour flight w/ just my husband. Stresses me out.  I have never been away from my little ones for more than one night. SO this will be a big deal.  I will be excited for my 2nd Honeymoon w/ my DH but sad that I am w/o my boys.

Don't want to be a beached whale!!

I wrote this back in march & apparently it didn't post so I am posting it now.

So DH & I have decided take our 2nd honeymoon a year earlier than planned. We were going to go next year for our 10th Anniversary. However my Mom just got her retirement approved but will still be looking for another job so we were thinking that we should take advantage I the time off she has before she gets another job & go this year. I have the week off in Sept already and we've picked the hotel in Maui, HI. We have never been to HI & I want to feel confident & sexy. DH is melting away slowly but surely. He just decides to eat right & does it no questions asked. He is at his lowest weight in years and I lost some but only because I was up sick all last night.

I have 26 weeks until our trip my goal weight is 130 and that is 35 lbs away right now. So doable!!! I have to do this! I don't want to look like a Rachel whale. I was to be strutting my stuff thinking yeah I am hot & my DH should be proud to be on the beach next to me in my swimsuit. I have to succeed! I am now at 2 weeks 3 days w/o diet pop or chocolate candy. I was craving diet pop today but no chocolate. I I am kind of thinking maybe getting food poisoning was a blessing in disguise because it will help me eat less after all the throwing up.

I have this new found desire to become very active. I want to go for hikes to waterfalls while on Maui & I want it to be easy not me huffing & puffing trying to catch my breath. I even started swimsuit shopping hoping it will motivate me. So here goes nothing I'll weigh in, in the morning & we will start our 26 week journey!

2 weeks & 1 day

So still no chocolate candy or diet pop. I am shocked to say I think the cravings maybe going away!!! I still want it when I am depressed or having a freak out moment but other than that I real feel it is fading. Still no real effects from stopping drinking it so I still don't know if it is worth it but I guess only time will tell.

So today I ate a little chocolate...

Well I made mini Chocolate cupcakes for a Mary Kay Event I had at work & I did eat some of my mini cupcakes BUT I think that is different than eating candy like I was. So still no Chocolate candy has been eaten & No diet pop in 9 days.  Still no weight loss & haven't been back to the gym since this weekend. Like has been super, crazy, busy this week. I felt like I haven't had any down time for quite a while.  On my Days off from my Job I am working my other Job w/ Mary Kay. I had a Skin Care class this Saturday but it rescheduled but DH is going to the Bike Expo so this just means I don't have to try to find a baby sitter. I did go & get my hair chopped off yesterday. I am glad to have short hair again.  My brain is all over the place right now. I am having a hard time focusing. I wanted to check in & give you an update. So I'll try to gather my thoughts & type w/ a clear head tomorrow.

What a TOUGH day!

I don't know what happened today. I got up went to the gym & that was good, weighed in & was up to 168.2 but I did eat late & allot for my Birthday. So then my mood tanked later this afternoon & I couldn't stop feeling super fat & like a failure for not losing weight.  I have only been eating ok for a few days so I don't know why I am bummed about not losing. I guess I was really hoping that cutting out chocolate was going to make a big impact.  So far today was the most difficult day to not give in & eat chocolate & diet pop.  I was in a bad mood & the ONLY think I wanted was junk food w/ diet pop & a chocolate bar for dessert. I even had to make my little gift/sample bags for the NW Women's show tomorrow & put 2 chocolates in each one & I tell you COMPLETE toucher!!! You would think I would be proud of my self for resisting & not eating any chocolate even w/ it in my hands today but nope I am still just irritated that I am not eating it.

Because I am working a booth at the NW Women's show tomorrow from 12-2 we aren't going to make it to church so I was thinking about heading to the gym again.  My DH told me today that I should put red highlights in my hair. I am a blonde & he is talking like Fire Engine red. I think it could be fun but is just a little bolder than I have ever done before.  So I am thinking to do it once I hit a goal of some kind.  I am not sure what my goals should be.   I have my business goals that I want rewards for & I also have weight goals I could have rewards for.  And I am still so cranky & irritated about it all I just want to gorge myself on chocolate & yet my DH is working towards his training for his STP & the idea of him being in shape & me not just kills me.  It makes me depressed just thinking about he is already losing inches. He had to go down a belt notch already.  I just wish I could lose like he does he eats pretty good until Dinner & then he tends to splurge but he still loses. If I splurge like I did for my Birthday not even on junk food just went out to dinner &  a movie so I ate popcorn & a payday candy bar at like 11PM so I guess I should stop freaking out about the gain.  I've been off my depression meds for 3 weeks & I just ordered my refill so I'll pick that up tomorrow & maybe that can help me from being depressed so quickly.

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Today I turned 32.  I am not quite sure how I feel about turning 32 either.  This morning I felt old like it was allot closer to 35 & that is really close to 40 type of attitude. I also felt like 32 sounds grown up & I am not sure I want to be a grown up yet.  LOL!  But tonight as midnight came & went I realize that I can make 32 amazing & finally reach several personal goals in my life.  On Tuesday my weight was up to 169.8 so I stopped weighing myself know that I wasn't trying to diet but just cut out the chocolate & diet pop.  But my eating did get better Wed & Thur & I went to the gym on Thur so come this morning I weighed myself to find me at 167.2.  That was a pleasant surprise.  Today concluded 5 days w/o chocolate or diet pop.  I did eat to much today because we went out to dinner for my birthday & I had a Payday candy bar but no chocolate in that. I am going to go to the gym again tomorrow morning. :-)  Feeling really good about how things are going this week!

P.M.S (Pretty Much Shocked)

I am in complete shock! So not only did this complete day 3 w/o Chocolate or Diet Pop but I started my period today.  So normally the week before my period I am gorging on Chocolate we are talking Massive quantities.  And I haven't had any for 3 days!!!!  It makes me feel empowered. I feel like WOW! I thought my period must have been further out like next week. My craving for chocolate has been pretty bad today but I was able to put aside a fun size bag of M&M's today.  I feel like I can really do this. We went grocery shopping tonight & got a bunch for fruits & veggies & I feel like things are going good. I am not stressing about things but I am also not dieting yet hoping that this whole changing my eating habits a little slower is actually working!!!  I am packing my lunch for tomorrow & hoping to do really well. Nights are still hard because that is when I like to snack but I am choosing not to snack on Chocolate & the Diet Pop out of there seems to be making it SO much easier not to snack it is crazy!!!

Day 2 w/o Chocolate or Diet Pop...

Oh my head hurt more than 1/2 the day.  I had a Coke to get the caffein in me & that made the head ache go away. I really would love to go to the gym tomorrow but it is so hard to find time.  DH signed up to ride the STP (Seattle to Portland) Bike ride.  So we have our regular jobs, the boys, my new business, DH training for the STP & I feel like because of my new business I can't ask for time to go to the gym.  I am still not attempting to diet yet because of the cutting out chocolate. However it is going much easier than I expected it to.  I mean I really, REALLY want some but I am just able to say no.  How my mind got set I'll never know.  I know that I am sick of being over weight & of how it effects not only me but those I love around me.  I tried to take a nice pic of my self for my business website & I couldn't take one that I thought I looked nice in.  DH said he wants a family pic for his desk & we don't have any professional pics since DS1 was 9 months old. I would LOVE a new pic. We never got around to getting a nice one taken while at Disneyland in Dec so I was thinking Mothers Day would be a great time to get them done.  It would be close enough to the boys birthdays that we can get those shots done too.  The only thing is I always take their pics w/ my Nikon. So I don't know if I would try to have my Brother take them or if we would pay out of pocket for them.  But If I started loosing weight now @ 2 lbs a week that would be 20 lbs before Mothers day I would feel GREAT getting pics 20 lbs lighter.  The last two days I am still eating sugar in place of the chocolate but no where near the amounts.  This mornings weigh in was 169. I will check in tomorrow. :-)  Feeling pretty good tonight maybe tomorrow I will get to the gym & start eating right.  Lets see if my brain will turn that into a decision not just wishful thinking.

Will this be how the cookie crumbles??

Well hello.  Here were are 11 months from my first entry. Just think of how much weight you could lose in 11 months!!! Even if we say we only lose 1/2 lb a week that is 22 lbs.  1/2 a lb a week anyone can lose 1/2 a lb a week, right?  However I am here to say I am still overweight.  Last weigh in a few days ago was at 169. While my DH was away in Barbados, back in Oct.  I missed him so much I could hardly eat. By the time he came home I was down to 158 & had to buy new jeans cause nothing fit.  In less than 2 weeks I was back up to 164.  I realized something in the last 6 months. I have always said French Fries were my weakness they are truly not.  It is chocolate & sweets & I know your all thinking well isn't every bodies?  But I have a real problem I can't stop eating them. I will shove candy after candy in my mouth through out the day & not even think about it.

I am very thankful that God has blessed me w/ a well paying job but the job makes me miserable & I find my only escape to be eating. So I will go buy a bag of reeses miniature cups, trees, hearts, eggs & can eat the whole bag during my shift.  I am just confessing the amount of chocolate I've been consuming over the last 3 months to my DH & SIL.  DH had no idea it was that bad.  So starting today I am not dieting. I am only trying to cut the chocolate out.  I have done this before.  When I first found out I was severally lactose intolerant I stopped everything w/ dairy but then after a year I found I could tolerate some.  So I am proud to say that today was a successful day!! No chocolate & I even still had it left at my desk & I didn't touch it. Another key part to this is giving up my Diet pop.  I LOVE DIET POP!! I have been drinking it as long as I can remember. I think it taste better & it makes food & sweets taste better. The real cause of this is the aspartame.  Aspartame not only keeps your feeling less full, (for example when I feel like I can't eat another bit I know if I go get a can of diet pop to go along w/ my food or dessert I will be able to finish it.) it also makes your body think it is getting sugar so when your body never gets something to process like sugar you then crave it.  My DH has wanted me to stop drinking Diet Pop for years but I've just haven't been willing to give it up.  But I find it hard to eat sweets w/o it now & because that is my gluttonous weakness I am going to try to put it aside as well.

I am hoping this is the start of something positive.  I have recently also started a small business as an Independent Mary Kay Consultant & I am planing on it being my way out of my current job situation. :-)  Hopefully my next post won't be