My DH is looking so good. I mean I find my self checking him out ALL THE TIME!! He just got under 200 lbs he is 5' 10'' and all this bike riding & getting him in such great shape. The part that sucks is my internal reaction to that is frustration, jealousy & depression. The instant I think about how great he is looking in those jeans, I think how terrible I look & how he can't possibly look at me & think thoughts like this about me. *Sigh* He is out riding in the rain right now after he rode 190 miles this weekend and I can't even get to the gym.
I rescheduled my training session for this wednesday so it will be will be 3 weeks w/ only 2 trips to the gym. I am in trouble It is going to be like day one 3 months ago. SO FRUSTRATING!!! I am in total shut down mode & trying to push past it. I know God has grand plans for me & this is a large part of what is holding me back in so many ways.
Last night I spent a while online looking at different diet programs. I need accountability and the way WW does it didn't work for me. I LOVE the way LA Weight Loss did it; one on one. That was motivating cause I had to sit across from someone & explain what I ate. My Trainer says we can work on food when I want but he doesn't want me to worry about it until I get working out under control & that obliviously isn't under control yet. I DON'T KNOW WHY I am so stuck! It is so frustrating & esp when I know that it comes down to really just a decision and why can't I make it & make it stick. I feel the need to do something drastic. I don't know what I just know I need to see some results to help me stick to it cause so far I just have 3 months of working out & NOTHING!!! But I don't want to use any pills or cut out any food groups. I want to do it the right way. My SIL was prescription Fen Fen for 3 months & the my brother got put on it too. She lost 30 lbs in 3 month & my Brother is only at the end of month 1 & he is down 20. They have the same Dr. as me & he told me just to tell her that I can't put the fork down. But w/ my anxiety disorder I can't take stuff like that. It would make me go even crazier than I already am. My SIL called me the 2nd day she had taken it & had been up since like 3AM unable to sleep totally buzzed cause the stuff is basically speed it speeds up your metabolism crazy fast & takes away your appetite & practically your desire for food. SIL had a really hard time making her self eat on it cause she said food wasn't appealing at all. They all try not to talk about their weight losses around me cause they know how mentally self destructive I get seeing all of them melt away & NOTHING happening for me. It comes down to self sabotage for some reason my mind/body is fighting this so hard I barley have time for anything. This makes me so depressed that I literally get NOTHING done not house work, MK work, hobbies I am even have an extremely short fuse w/ my kids & that isn't fair to them. I need to figure this out. I HAVE to make something work! But what???
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