So much has been going on. I had this massive epiphany, thanks to my loving SIL. I always known I've had low self esteem & blamed my weight problem etc. Well I came to realize that my route of 99% of my issues w/ weight, self esteem, worrying, even my relationship w/ God has been effected by this. So it's not just self esteem I have no self worth. I honestly have the feeling that I am not worth anything to anyone not even God. The reason I won't fly w/o a bunch of my family is because I don't believe that God would keep me safe because I am not worth it. The reason I feel inadequate for my husband & always worry about him leaving me is because I don't feel I am anything. I don't stick to things because I don't deserve them or I am not worth it. WOW what a terrible/wonderful realization to come to. After 32 years of my life I know I wasn't brought up this way so I happened later on. When DH & I were first married I didn't feel like this I would have flown to the moon w/ just him no worries. I know that my depression & anxiety have taken a hold of me & started attacking my self worth. Because I felt like a burden to people w/ how crazy I am. I now realize these are not of God & not the way He made me. He made me & then broke the mold there is no one else out there like me. And my amazing Husband only has eyes for me. God made us for each other. I have had a very difficult past couple weeks after coming to this realization. I have been fighting the devil & all the thoughts of self doubt & lack of self worth that come into my brain. That is not the way God wants me to think or talk about his creation. I have been doing lots of affirmations in the mornings to help & it is helping allot! But the fight is a daily struggle & I've told my husband & he had no idea I felt that way about my self & it kind of made him understand a little about why I have my crazy thoughts & feelings.
So we are on a new path of self appreciation & acknowledging that I am worth allot. I am a Child of the most high King. My husband loves me & picked me. I just got back from MK Career Conference & am motivation to use this to get my business to the next level so that I can quit my other Job & do something I love: Teach & help women enrich their lives. I have my first recruit on my team & I know this is where God wants me. He has brought me back here several times & this time I am hear to stay & praying & trusting God to bring me through to Directorship.
I also started training sessions w/ a personal trainer last week & I about died. LOL! It took about 4 days until all the soreness went away & today I went again & he kicked my butt again. I mean my legs already hurt & he said well you did better this time so we will make it 3 sets next week. I feel like saying are you crazy I barely survived. I have never sweat this much during work outs. It is madness. Well it is late & I should sleep. For those of you wonder I am still off Chocolate candy & Diet Pop & with the 5 1/2 hour drive to Career Conference this last weekend it was a hard task. I wanted Chocolate for the trip soooooo bad but I stuck to my guns & haven't had the stuff yet.
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