30 Days, Day 5 & 6

Still not going so well packing up DH for his business trip. It Is making me sick. Don't be surprise if I don't update for the next week.

30days, day 4

Totally blew it today & wondering if I can even count these days as part of my "sticking to WW". :-(

30 Days, Day 3

Not a good day haven't tracked a single point & I know I over ate even w/ the activity points I will get from all the walking I did today. I have to get serious if I want to see a loss this week! I want to try to get some activity in my day so that my activity points will help me allot w/ my over eating.

30 Days, Day 2

Well things got even more stressful!! My DH just found out that he is now possibly going to be gone for an additional day. I am not looking forward to next week at all. My eating hasn't been to great the stress & knowing I have weekly points to use . I am not going to be able to go to my meeting this week to weigh in cause I'll have the boys & DH will be on his way to Barbados.

I am thinking of booking a trip to Hawaii for DH & I. We were planning on going for our 10 year Anniversary in 2013 but I am thinking maybe this spring instead that would keep motivation going. Now I never plan on looking good in a bikini I've had 2 kids & my Stretch marks would never allow for that but I do want to feel sexy in my swim suit on the beach.

30 Days, Day 1

Weigh in at WW today was 162 so I got my 5% award. I would be more excited if I hadn't reached that months ago & just never got the official weigh in of it because I am so up & down with my weight. I've decided I need to stick to it for 30 days and see what happens.

In this 30 days I will be having one of the most stressful times I've had in forever!! DH is being sent to Barbados by his work on his first business trip and I am freaking out. Keep in mind that I have a panic disorder & depression & he is my better half, the sane half. If I am ever in freak out mode all I need is his arms around me & all the panic fades away. God has been telling me that I Need to trust him with this. I am still praying that they cancel the trip, which has been known to happen for his work. My devotions the other night was how if we are holding onto worry are we really truly trusting God fully? He is scheduled to leave next Saturday for 4 or 5 days. In the 8 years we've been married I've only been away from him for 24hrs. Anyways back to weight loss..... I figure that if I can do this with all the stress that is coming my way in the next 2 weeks I can do this no matter what! So I've tracked everything I've eaten today. I will probably run out of weekly points sooner than I'd like but I am going to try to get in some wactivity points too. I am going to try to blog something each day even if it is a very small entry. I will try not to ramble to much while DH is gone that would give you a glimps of how really crazy I can am ;-)

Dr. Apt

Well for the first time in about 6 years I went in for a physical. My weight came in at 171.8 lbs. Blood pressure a little high but when I was  seeing my OBGYN while pregnant w/ DS2 my blood pressure was always a little high the first time they took it & then it went down after I calmed  down, I have white coat syndrome.  Anyways they  gave me a new prescription for  my antidepressant which is good cause lately I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am going crazy,  Random crazy thoughts, house is a mess & all I want to do is sit  & sleep. Yep  got the depression going on.  Normally I do much better when I try to diet when I am on my antidepressant so much so that if I forgot to take it one day I didn't eat right. It was like clockwork.  I have to go back for a follow up apt in a Month & get a fasting blood draw to check my cholesterol & sugars.

While sitting in the wait room I was taking a mental note of all the overweight people there & almost EVERYONE was overweight/severely overweight.  I know on Biggest Loser the talk about how much money being overweight/obese cost because of Heath Care & I figured that made since but noticing it first hand today for the first time was strange. And I was one of them & all I could do was beat myself up over it.

I keep on trying to get back on track & I don't even make it through the day. Last week I started juicing & I did make it through one day & I lost 2 lbs & then we got up early & went for a 12 mile bike ride it was great but after exercise I need my carbs so I had a sandwich, no big deal. But then I ate ice cream & candy bars & stop trying after that & now it is a week later.

My Brother, SIL & Mom started the juicing thing on Monday & I am so green w/ envy. SIL down 3.3 lbs in 2 days Brother however down 13.5 in just two days. My Mom hasn't weighed herself yet but I am going nuts thinking about the family pictures we want to take in Disneyland in Dec & how everyone is going to look great but me. I will hate that!  I am so depressed about it I am spinning out of control. I have wonderful Anniversary plans w/ DH in less than 2 weeks & that skirt I told you about still doesn't fit. And I just don't think I have the time to get it to fit by then.

I have put reminders in my phone one that goes off at 9:00 AM says "No more excuses, get it done!"  The next goes off at noon & says "Picture yourself thin"  I still want to come up with ones for around 3PM & 8PM cause that is when the snack attacks hit me the hardest.

I will start taking my medication again tomorrow & you don't feel the whole effect for up to 2-4 weeks but I am hoping for some immediate motivation help. I'll keep you posted.

Something Drastic needs to be done!

Time keeps on ticking by & I just can't seem to get motivated more than 5 mins a day.  I can feel my self drop into a depression.  My Brother, SIL & my Mom are all starting a Juice fast for like 30-60 days. Nothing but juice.  They are doing it after watching a documentary on this guy who did this for 60 days & he cured hives auto immune disease & it has also said to cure fiber mialga. So my Brother has had this auto immune disease for 4 years now he brakes out in hives so bad that some times he can't see & my Mom seems to have Fiber Mialga & it is getting really back right now & my SIL thinks she has Gout & is sure this will cure it too. So with this news I start stuffing my face. On one had I hope it works it would be so great for my family to be free of such disability things but then I think about how everyone is going to be losing weight & I am going to be the fattest in the family for the first time.

When I was on LA weight loss they have you start w/ a 2 day juice cleanse but it includes eating green veggies & lean proteins as much as you want of it. The juice they use is the same as the 48 hr Hollywood Juice Diet but that bottle says to eat nothing & only drink the juice. On LA weight loss they say normally people would lose 5 lbs in those 2 days but I never did But I always had to start that way because it helps me reset my brain.  Cause then when I get to have carbs again on day 3 it is exciting even though it isn't very much or as much as I was used to. Tomorrow we are having fresh salmon for dinner & I was thinking that would be easy to juice tomorrow. But I am not sure how Saturday would be juicing.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda....

So if I had stuck to my diet starting when I first walked into WW in January I would be at my goal weight right about now.  I was telling DH how I am such a huge self sabotager.  It seems that anything that would make me happy I make sure some how some where it doesn't happen. The weight loss thing is the biggest one but there are all sorts of little aspects to my life where I could do something to make my self happy & don't make it a priority so it doesn't happen. Now again like I've said before: I am very blessed & have a wonderful family & life but I am referring to the "me time" aspect.  I always put my self aside for any of my boys or family if needed. I am never asked to but I do these things because I know it would be easier on DH if I took the boys for the night so I do etc...  I get so confused by my reaction to this whole thing & how I seem to run as fast as I can from weight loss when it starts happening.  I have had success in the past & I have seen WW PP work for me very well so why not just run with it instead of away from it.  I find myself saying oh it is just to difficult & exhausting to have to diet. The 6 weeks where I almost lost 10 lbs & had lost 5% I had to constantly be thinking about food preparing it what was I going to eat next & it makes me cranky but only because I can't just run out & pick something up. I am not going to lie I think about food constantly when I am not dieting but it is because it brings momentary relaxation.

It is summer & so much easier to eat at home it stays light later & it tis the season for BBQ'n.  In the winter I say oh it'll be easier to diet in the summer when there are less Holidays & better fruits & veggies out there. So here we are and another week has almost past & I am still saying I'll start tomorrow. Well guess what? Tomorrow never comes surprise, surprise.

Yep that was the bandwagon that just lapped me....

Still not back on the weight loss bandwagon. Not even chasing it or pretending to chase it. Just letting it go by me again & again.

Went to get dressed today grabbed some clean size 16 jeans & they are way to tight so I go back to the looser size 16 jeans I wore yesterday they felt much better but I thought I just wore the other ones a few weeks ago & they were fine. So today ended up warming up so 1/2 way through the day I went to change from my jeans to shorts for the first time I dug my size 16 shorts out of my drawers & what do you know to  tight. I had to put shorts w/ an elastic waist on.  My XL shirts are getting to small & I found a before pic from when I tried to lose weight before I was even engaged so we are talking about 9 or 10 years ago. I was still living w/ my parents & we all took before & after pics cause we were going to try out this tea that my Mom was starting to sell, it had ephedra in it. So there was a contest that required before & after pics & I saw it and wanted to cry. I was over 20 lbs lighter than I am now in that pic & I remember how fat I thought I was. I look at the pic & thing how could I have thought I was fat my boobs are still sticking out further than my stomach.  Granted I have had two babies since this & was much younger & had the elasticity in my skin & no stretch marks. I was instantly depressed & does this motivate me to lose weight no I wanted to go stuff my face w/ something full of carbs so I could have a high for a little while. Hi, my name is Crystal & I am addicted to food.  It is hard cause I do turn to food for that instant high to feel better when things go wrong but I can't remove food from my life because so I have to fight it EVERY day & it is just exhausting.  It kills me to know I know how to lose weight & I know I can lose weight so why won't I??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ever since we went to that wedding I have just been using myself as my own personal punching bag. I rag on my self constantly & I've notices I am really short w/ DH lately. Around when I had lost the 9 lbs DH out on a date night & I remember feeling so loved & so beautiful that night. It was the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about he touching my fat roll when he had his arm around me. Normally it throws my brain into fatland when ever that happens cause I am so aware that he is touching the ugly fat. I  can't stop thinking about it wondering what he is thinking. Anyway it is just a little in sight to how my crazy brain works.

DS2 just had his 1st Birthday &  DS1 is about to turn 5 in a few days so lots of party planing & Fathers Day is this weekend so we have a couple BBQ's planned then it is the 4th of July the weekend after the Boys Birthday party so I keep on thinking Oh I'll start the Sunday after the 4th but then I get mad & think it is just more excuses & there is NO reason not to start now. My BFF was in town. She has lost 50 lbs in about a year & 1/2 & she is so much happier & healthier she has a rubber bracelet that says "No more Excuses, Get it Done!" My SIL are thinking about ordering a couple for our selves w/ either that or  another one we like is "A year from now you'll be glad you started today"

Type 2 Diabeties

Just found out that my Dad has Type 2 Diabetes & it is very hereditary but also very preventable w/ diet & exercise. So here I am w/ another reason I need to get healthy now so I don't have to deal w/ this later in life.  When I was pregnant w/ my 1st I wasn't worried at all about Gestational Diabetes but w/ my 2nd because I was heavier but my test came back negative w/ him as well.  I guess my Grandpa had this & didn't tell anyone & I also am now told that my Aunt has it too. I am glad my Dad isn't really over weight so he doesn't have to lose weight to help but he does eat sugar 24/7 I mean that is all he eats. So he has allot of changes to make when it comes to his diet & he doesn't like cardio & it is the aerobic exercise that helps not weight lifting like he likes to do.

So before they told me this on Monday I actually made it to a WW meeting on Sunday. The first one I've been too since 4/17. My official weigh in was 152.4 so a gain of 1.2 lbs since my last visit. They said how good that was since I'd been gone for so long but I told them it was much higher off & on. So with all this you'd think I'd been super good but no I am eating sugar like it is going out of style & not back on track at all. I am finally getting my house organized & I am then hoping I feel like I can focus on me again. Right now the house was always looming in the back of my mind as something that needed to be done. I have a small house but since DS2 was born, he is a year in just 2 days, I have been what I call pretend cleaning. I just relocate stuff from one area to another either another room, box, bag, closet.  DS2 still doesn't sleep through the night very often & he wants to be held 24/7. I am very used to DS1 who just played alone since he could be sat up in his bumbo he was content playing just him & his toys. But DS2 as a typical 2nd child is in much more need of entertainment & to be w/ someone. So it seems next to impossible to get anything done. Just getting the bottles washed or dishes done is a difficult task. So even thought I have a very small house that is under 1000 sq ft my SIL & I cleaned & organized for about 8 hours today & got 1/2 of the house completely organized & cleaned!  All that to say again that w/ that big mess I have found it very difficult to focus on anything else.

My self esteem is about knee high to a grasshopper

My lack there of self esteem is the root to so many issues.  Including the fact that I get mad at the fact that I have low self esteem. The comic about is so true to me low self esteem is a big pity party but try to never invite anyone to that party. It is always just me, myself & I at that party & I just feed more & more negativity to myself all day long.

My life seems all out of whack lately & so the first thing I throw on the back burner is my weight loss. It is the easiest thing for me to stop trying to do because it only effects me so me is the  fastest thing to put to the side to try to take care of other matters. Right now my house is in shambles because I started spring cleaning but due to the DS2 need to be held I only got to one day of cleaning which included emptying out two closets that are both sitting in the middle of the rooms I emptied them into. So I feel like I can't do anything right now until the house gets back in order but then I think it is just one excuse after another for me. I find my self wanting to try something new like the Advocare 24 day challenge but it is more drastic on the carbs than I choose to do & I know that WW works great &  I am paying $40 a month to belong to WW so I should be using it!

I have been struggling w/ self esteem for what feels like eons but when really bruised it this weekend was the wedding we went to. It was for a friend of DH that was in our Wedding I haven't seen him since our wedding but we felt required to be there. SO I have NEVER seen that many short skirts & dresses & super thin gorgeous built women in my life.  The whole time I was there I was just stewing figuring that my DH had to be checking them all out because I knew I was. I love dancing & the music there was great but my DH hates dancing & he said he would if I wanted to but I didn't want to get out there next to all those gorgeous tall thin women w/ my short, stumpy, fat self. 

Everyone has "the last straw"  The thing that actually makes you stick to it & reach your goal. I've had so many last straws I am beginning to thing that my bail of straw is everlasting. My weight effects every facet of our lives from how much I smile, how much money I spend trying to make myself feel better, our sex life, how long my fuse is w/ the kids & even at work I am not a motivated working. I hate to keep thinking back to the last time I lost weight but I was so happy.  I have a wonderful life &  no reason to be unhappy but I am.  DH says it is time to go back on my depression meds & he maybe right. The amazing thing about my meds are they work I am really prone to depression when I am overweight. I sit & mope & get overwhelmed very easily.  When I take my meds I am motivated to diet & get stuff accomplished & it helps boost my metabolism a little to cause I always lose better when I am on it even when I don't stick to a strict diet. But I feel almost as if it is cheating to take it because it helps me lose weight. Again this comes from years of my Mom using every diet pill under the sun. I know it is for the good of my family & my health that I go back on my meds but it depresses me that I need them all at the same time.

I wish this was a more upbeat blog but I am not sugar coating anything right now. It has to be close to 99% of people who are overweight go through these fights & struggles & it may help someone to know I feel this way too.

The beattings will continue until moral improves.....

Well I am steadily still gaining weight. Jillian would have broken me & figured out why I can't seem to stick to it. I have even given myself a wonderful incentive that I am going to give myself $10 per pound. When I reach my goal I will have a little over $400 set aside for a reward/new clothes. We are planing on Going to Disneyland for Christmas. Not on the actual day but my Mom &  Dad, Brother & his family & My little clan are all going on a few weeks before Christmas & calling it Christmas so no presents really other than that. Anyway my point in telling you that is the fact that I even have an event that is in the near future but far enough away that I could reach my goal weight by then no problem. And we are planing on getting a family picture done w/ ALL of us while we are there. I am tired of not liking the way I look in pictures.  In the past I've even put pictures of thinner me on the fridge & cupboards in hopes that would help me to choose to walk away but NO!

So Lets see, If I start counting next Sunday I have 27 weeks until we leave & my personal goal is 130 but to get Life Time at WW I need to hit 124 & as of this morning I was 165.6. So I have either 35.6 lbs or 41.6. So to reach 130 that means I need to lose 1.2 lbs a week & the to reach 124 1.5 lbs a week. Not even the normal 2lb a week goal I always set for my self.  I can feel the anxiety just thinking about how attainable this is. I wish is stirred up a better emotion like excitement or empowerment but I just get stressed out & anxious because of how upset I will be if once again I don't do it. I am currently reading "The Battlefield of the Mind" By Joyce Meyer & it takes about w/ this kind of thinking I am already defeated before I even begin.  I really need to get to the Meetings they help me so much & I know this but because my weigh in day is technically Sunday I feel guilty going to that when I should be at home trying to get us all out the door to church instead. 

I told DH that I need to make time to work out because that helps me be able to splurge a little bit more by getting activity points & it also helps w/ my mood (lets just say I haven't been in the best emotional place this week) too. But I know that time is in the morning before the boys get up & that just isn't going to happen. I am a night owl & so is DS1 I am sure it is just a matter of time before DS2 starts becoming a night owl but maybe he will take after his Daddy & like to sleep early & sleep in. Right now I would settle for sleeping through the night.  DS2 will be 1 next month and I am still up w/ him every night. Some say that is a legitimate excuse I have as to why I am finding this so hard to do because I am so tired & the only way I find to stay awake at work or at night is to eat. But I don't want excuses I just want the ability to stick to this. I don't even have the excuse of not knowing what to do I know exactly how to lose weight I know that WW works. Yet I keep on choosing the short lived high of eating food over the long term being healthy & happy. Something is wrong w/ my brain!!! 

Roller Coaster.../\..../\.../\.../\....

Well I know I've been AWOL for a while but here is what has happened:  I still haven't managed to get to a WW meeting therefore I am still not doing as well as I could. I finally got back down to where I was at Easter w/ an official weigh in of 162.6 but the next day my Scale said 161.8 I hit 9 lbs & that is 5% I should be exstatic but this last week I went up & down up & down & ended up w/ a official Sunday weigh in of 163.4 Then tonight the scale is in the 166's so I am assuming I will be 164 in the morning. *SIGH* 

I just can seem to stop eating the junk. I've noticed a direct link to drinking Diet Pepsi in the morning & I've read the studies that say this & apparently it is very true for me.  They say drinking Diet Pop fools your body into thinking it is getting sugar so when your body realizes that it hasn't had real sugar you then crave it & it also keeps you from feeling full faster. I know when I start the morning w/ a Diet Pop I want carbs & sugar with in the hour. How ever if I have Instant Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal, that really does have sugar in it, & water I don't want sugar or junk at all. I also know if I eat my meal w/ Pop I can eat allot more than when I drink water while I eat. I was so depressed about what the scale said this early evening that I ate over a 1/2 a pint of my non-dairy ice cream & two pieces of pizza & a regular Root Beer. I think I am going to REALLY go to a meeting tomorrow. The guy who does the Sunday meetings also does Tuesday nights at 5:30.  Those are the meetings I want to start going to & I really want to have a different weigh in date but I don't think that is something you can change after you start. It makes your weight loss not as accurate I think. 

My Mom is still doing really well I think she almost weighs what I weigh now & I can't help but think of all the time I have wasted.  I know I can't beat myself up over it but I have to get back on track then! I have a wedding reception that I have to buy a new dress for in a matter of only 11 days I would really love to hit 159 but I would have to only eat my daily points & drink lots of water & not so much pop.

Tomorrows goals: Only eat my Daily Points & go to the WW meeting.

It is only 5 months why is this so hard???

At an average of 2lbs a week I can reach my goal in a short 5 months. That is the end of September. That sounds so close I can't figure out why I can't just stay w/ this. I went a whole 4 weeks doing good down 8 lbs & now that I've fallen off the wagon it is so hard to get back on again. my SIL & Brother just started last week & she is down 3 lbs & my Mom told me today that she is still losing on track to reaching her goal by October. Does it make me a bad person that I feel like I would be so upset if it got to the point where my Mom was thinner than I was? My Mom has battled w/ weight loss for so long. I want to see her win & keep it off & get healthy. The last time she lost allot of weight was w/ the help of a tea w/ ephedrine in it & she got down to a size 12 it was at the same time I got down to 130 lbs which had me in a size 10. Then in the same breath I get mad at the thought of her losing & me staying this way. 

I don't know how to find a different way to deal w/ stress than eating.  I know knitting is a good outlet but isn't always easy to do w/ the boys. No matter how crazy the house even if DS1 is having a fit & DS2 is crying I can always pick up a piece of candy & eat it.  It is quick & easy endorphin lifter.  I don't now what else to do. I was so certain that after 3 weeks I was golden & here I am this is week 6 & I have totally back tracked. I calculated that I will be losing 27.5% of my body weight. I need to get this going again!!!

Lord Help me! I know you said I am just passing through this part of my life & I want to cling to that phrase you gave me. Amen

This is one BAD week........

OK so I didn't go to the WW meeting Tue night like I was planning instead I skipped & went out for Mexican & ate way to much. I think that is the equivalent of an alcoholic skipping a AA meeting & going out & getting plastered. *sigh*  Then I kept binging all week!  It has been a very stressful week & one that also made me want to make sure everyone gets healthy. 

Yesterday my BIL who is only 28 had a heart attack scare. He fell down the stairs w/ chest pains & couldn't get up. my SIL called 911 & the ambulance rushed him to the hospital where they verified that his heart did release the protein that it does when it has a heart attack but they thought maybe it was just some pressure built up around the heart because he is only 28.  So they did an ultra sound to check for pressure & there was none so it was back to being ruled a heart attack but they had to do the angeogram to make sure & the did that & his heart looked perfect nothing wrong. So they out ruled the heart attack & kept him overnight told him that what every virus he has, plus not taking his blood pressure meds & not using his cpap at night placed the stress on his heart so it released the protein. BUT THEN they said his faintness & passing out was due to dehydration & after being hooked up to an IV all day it happened again & his heart rate dropped down to 34 & so now they are keeping him overnight again for observation. They are now saying it maybe "Tachy Brady Syndrome" I tried to look it up today & the only fix I found is that you fix that by getting a pacemaker. HE IS ONLY 28!!!!!!!!!!!  My DH Mom's side of the family had bad hearts but they are also on the heavy side. So how much of it is health that is over working the heart or is it just a weak heart w/ heart disease to begin with. 

I told my DH that "THAT'S IT!! We are all getting healthy now!" Then I spent the last two days eating & eating & eating to try to relieve the stress.  I weighed myself tonight to see a terrible 168.8 I am only 2.2 lbs down from my original weight 6 weeks ago. I am so frustrated!! I gained all this back in just 2 short weeks it all started w/ Easter & then Vacation. But I want this to be it I need to get back on the bandwagon & not give up.  Mr. Will Power had dumped me & didn't leave any forwarding information.

Back from Vacation.....

So I had a completely great high last week. My friend at work notices that I've lost weight & told me that even my face looked thinner & how excited she was for me etc... It always feels so great then what do I do my weight out on Friday morning before we left for the Ocean was 165.2 that is a 2 lb gain. :-( Then on vacation I got in allot of activity such as caring DS2 to & from the beach & all around town in a front pack and running from the waves w/ both my boys & 3 of my nieces. But I ate terrible. We ended up at McDonald's twice & I got a whole quarter pounder meal not a kids meal or something that would have been not as bad. I also ate a bunch of candy that I didn't even bring w/  us. I packed up fruit & veggies so I could be good the whole trip but when I got down there I just wanted junk. I've eaten 4 candy bars 1/2 a pint of soy ice cream plus McDonald's twice & a Prime rib dip w/ Fries.  I got home today, Monday afternoon. & went to see the damage on the scale & it says 166.2 & that was before we ordered & I ate a large piece of garlic cheese bread & over 1/2 a small pizza from our favorite local pizza place. I told DH that I just want to give up. I get so frustrated w/ the fact that I've back tracked & have to lose the same pounds over again I just feel well I might as well give up so I don't continue to fail.  By morning I am hoping the scale is back down to 165.2 but I am thinking it will be closer to 166 if not over & then I have to lose almost 3 lbs over again.  He says I am not going to fail & that I just need to get going again. It is so frustrating to have success & know it works & then just not care for a weekend because "I'm on vacation" then have to work twice as hard that next week to try to just get back to where I was.

I am going to try to go to the WW meeting tomorrow night to try to get myself back on track. I can't help still but feel like an Alcoholic talking about needing an AA meeting to keep them from drinking. I haven't gone to a meeting in two weeks because last week was Easter & this week I was at the Ocean.  My last weight in at WW was 164.2  so I am going to have to fight to have any loss for a weigh in by Sunday. I am going to need to lose 2 lbs just to get back down to that weigh in & then I will have had no progress in 3 weeks! I will blog again tomorrow w/ my weigh in & after the meeting.

Coming out of my fat shell

I used to have a sticker that said "People that don't know think I am quiet. People that do know me wish I was."  I used to be very out going & loud everywhere I went. Shy that is something I was very far from but now I've worked at the same job for coming up on  5 years & people there barley know me. But on Monday I found my self talking to people & being more outgoing & I am sure it is the weight loss. The last time I lost weight I got my confidence back I rejoined Mary Kay. It is so sad how much weight actually effects who I am & want to be.  I really want to hit my first goal of 5% but I am not really gaining still weighing in at my official weigh in weight on Sunday that was 163.2 but I am NOT going down at all. I've been eating so much junk. It is so hard to come off of the week after my period. *sigh*  It takes me a week to get back on track & this is why it takes me so long to lose. Even when I've lost before it is the same pattern. I wish I could stay strong the week of & after & then I may actually lose 2 lbs a week.

Trying to get ready for vacation I have some healthy choices packed along w/ some stuff to make me feel like I am splurging we are doing waffles one morning & I am going to bring lots of fruit. I am planing on not going over my points & to not spend all my weekly points while we are down there!!! I have to work on Friday & we are leaving that night. My Parents & Brother & his family are heading down Friday early afternoon but I won't be down there until very late. So I want everything packed & read to go tomorrow night then I am going to take DH car to work so he can load up my car so I can come home & we can leave.

WEIGH IN on 4/23/11

What a wonderful weigh in this was. It was on Saturday because Easter was Sunday & I knew I wasn't going to lose weight on Sunday & WW was closed for the holiday. So according to my scale at home I weighed in at 162.8 that is down a total of 8.2 lbs!! The high from that loss was very short as I hit the Holiday. Oh my I ate WAY to much chocolate and it continued into today I ate at least 16 points worth of candy today. My plan to divide up my weekly points failed again. I have probably eaten almost all of them yesterday & today. And I was going to save some of my points for this Saturday because we are going on Vacation.

Vacation is a very scary thing to me when I am on a diet. I can track all my weight loss failures to a vacation. I go on vacation & think but I'm on vacation I will start when I get back and I get home see the gain on the scale & never start losing again. This weekend will be a huge victory for me if I can come home & see a loss on the scale. I am looking to get some activity points to get me through the week.  I hope that walking in sand & I am going to try to actually swim laps in the pool. I am going to try to get up early and go by myself to get some laps in & maybe sit in the sauna I don't know if you get any points for sitting in the sauna though. My parents are staying at a different hotel for a night & that hotel has a steam room & I am tempted to go over & enjoy that. :-) I've been writing down things I want to blog about but I don't seem to have time. I am going to bring my netbook on Vacation I'll weigh out on Friday before we leave & weigh in on Tuesday morning after we get back on Monday.  I am hoping to get a bunch of knitting down while down there. When I get board I need to pick up my knitting not a snack.

I have a rash under my fat roll YAY!! Wait.........WHAT???????????

So this is a very strange  NSV (non scale victory), if you can even call it that.  I don't know what to think about it. Granted I had a baby 10 months ago & it takes 2 years for your skin to go back to normal & it was my second c-section so my muscles have been cut & don't work like they should so ever since Noah I've has some belly fat hang over my c-section scar but the last couple days I've been noticing a heat rash developing every day & I realized that the rash is developing because my skin is now laying against my other skin meaning I've lost some bulk that used to keep it away. So yay, I guess. It isn't at all what I think of when I dream of my weigh loss. I think about fitting into clothing, feeling sexy, having a towel being able to wrap all the way around me.  Not that my fat rolls would cause heat rashes because they've lost some bulk. 

I don't know how I pulled it off this week but I haven't gained like I assumed I would.  I had stopped tracking my points 1/2 way through Monday because I started eating bad. Well today I wanted to to start tracking & wanted those weekly points off my chart so I figured well I just go write stuff in until all the weekly points are gone & I didn't go over some how. I am shocked!  Tonight after dinner I weighed myself, refer back to my first post how obsessive I am about weighing myself, & I am not even 165 & that again was a night time weigh in!  I am super excited to see what the scale says tomorrow I have a good feeling that I am going to hit my 5% goal depending on how I eat at Easter cause  my weigh in will have to be the next day after work so that isn't good. I may go in on Saturday Morning just to have it done before the Holiday & then just go in the next Sunday. However because I already weighed in this week Saturdays weigh in won't count & even if I have met my 5% they can't record it until the following Sunday.

I have so much to do in the next couple days. We are dying Easter eggs, have a birthday party to go to on Saturday, Easter is Sunday & I have to knit two Chocolate Easter Bunny's by Sunday too. Oh and Saturday we have T-ball & I wanted to take the boys out to take new pics of them in their Easter outfits. I need to find an extra day in there somewhere to complete all this stuff.

This is the part where I normally quit

I figured out why I can't seem to diet past three weeks. I hit PMS & all I want to do is eat chocolate & greasy food. Then I see the gain on the scale get frustrated & quit.  After a terrible day of eating yesterday today was just as bad & I haven't tracked points at all and tomorrow DH & I are going on a date night to a place that doesn't serve healthy food AT ALL.  I saw my Mom tonight in a more fitting shirt & you can really tell that she has lost those 30 lbs & it kills me that I have only lost 6.8 lbs. Now my Mom has been working at it for months & I've only been going for 3 weeks.  But when people start after me or the same time as I do & they lose more weight it makes me so angry & frustrated.  I know that I know that I know my body likes to average 5lbs a month when I am losing & I would much rather see 8 lbs a month if not more from time to time.

With all this bad eating I did manage to get in some exercising. I walked w/ DS2 to pick up DS1 from Preschool today & it is all down hill on the way there so super easy but on the way home it is all up hill & I am pushing a sit & stand stroller w/ a 18 lbs 10 month old & 41 lbs 4 year old.  I was so out of breath it was ridiculous. I really wanted to reach my 5% goal this week but with the gain I am expecting I don't see how this is going to be possible.  I have been eating chocolate everyday for the last week & I really think if I could cut back on that use for my points & maybe use them on something wiser maybe I could lose the two lbs a week that I want to.  I am determined to make it through this rough patch. I told DH see this is where I quit & he said well then don't. It is habit, it is convenient, its comfortable.  I have another challenge ahead if I make it pass this week that includes Easter on Sunday. We are going on vacation. Weekend after next we are going to the Ocean for 3 nights & this is another prime time that I am always put the diet on hold because I am on vacation & then not get started again afterwards.  I think after the next two weeks this should be a piece of cake, well maybe.

WEIGH IN 4/17/11

Official Weight in at WW was 164.2.  So I am down 6.8 lbs.  It is going slow but steady not quite the 2 lbs a week that I want but it is going down. I had a very difficult week last week wanted to just eat what I want & stop this whole thing. I fought it tooth & nail & won & lost weight this week even w/ eating more Junk than what I should have. So What do I do today??? I eat why outside of my weekly points. I ate 20 of them yesterday & today I had burger, fries & a king size Hershey bar. SO that wasn't good. And this is the part where I normally fall off the wagon & just go w/ it & keep on eating junk.  Lately when trying to lose weight I get to 164 & stop I REALLY want to see 163 my goal for this week is to hit my 5% goal that is 9lbs lost. But now I have some make up work today. 

Even thinking back to when I lost w/ LA weight loss I would have a big splurge day or two after weigh in & then I would spend the reset of the week trying to lose the two pounds I gained & the two I am supposed to lose for that week. I often wonder how I would do if I didn't splurge like that each week. My plan this week was to divide up my weekly points over the whole week so I have some everyday but now if I count what I ate tonight I am probably negative points & I have to go to the gym to make up for it.  That is a nice redeeming thing they offer w/ WW. You can make it balance out so to speak. If you go negative you can earn some activity points & that can take you out of the hole.  I am planing on going to the gym tomorrow but I am pretty out of shape so I don't know how much I should push myself. I think I will try the elliptical instead of the treadmill tomorrow & see how it goes. My heart rate always gets to high on the elliptical the machine starts yelling at me MAX HEART RATE MAX HEART RATE!!! I don't feel as though my heart is breaking out of my chest but it freaks me out & I can't do much w/o it getting to high. Which tells me just how out of shape I am. 

So my challenge this week is to not quit even though I blew it BIG time today I am to prove that there is a way out of my mistakes from today and not let it get to me. I have been trying to focus on what I will look like at my goal weight & I can't picture it.  I have never made it to a goal weight. When I lost weight & got down to 130 in 2002 my goal weight was 125 when I got down to 140 in 2006 my goal weight was 130. Now to get life time membership at WW I need to maintain 124 for 6 weeks. My goal as I set out this time was only 130 again but I won't get lifetime if I only make it to 130 but we'll see how I feel when I get there & how long it takes me to get there. I want to be disciplined & really see where this can take me. I have kept the diet for the last 3 weeks but still eating my chocolate & eating out. I wonder what would happen if I ate a little better too. I am only telling a few people about my weight loss because of the fear of failing because I've started so many times & failed. I am hoping this is the time I will go all the way.

Goals & Rewards

Any personality test, love language or what drives you test out there tell me the same thing. I LOVE PRESENTS.  My love language is gifts & my personality type is an I that is motivated by rewards and gifts. At the meetings people get recognized for how much weight lost & you get a little 5lb reward & at every 5% too. According to me scale this morning I had hit my 5 lbs mark & I really wanted to go to the meeting to get the recognition & the little sticker. I know it sounds stupid but I am driven by these types of things. Then when I got there to my dismay the lady said since I was late for the meeting she would weigh me afterwards, she was busy w/ someone else. *SIGH*  I knew now I wouldn't get my 5lbs award. I sat there they whole time antsy wondering if I should go back out during the middle of the meeting & see if the scale here says the same at home so that maybe she could still give the meeting leader my sticker. But I waited & weighed in afterwards & she apologized even She said Oh you should have had your 5 lbs award today I am sorry. We will make sure they do it next week.

So anytime I start out trying to lose weight I set up rewards for my self.  They used to be food related but I've learned it was bad, LOL.  I am very excited about the rewards I've set up for myself. They are things I've wanted for a while but never done or gotten for myself because it seemed like to much money.
My total weight loss goal is to lose about 27% of my current weight.  So I am setting my goals by percentage instead of pounds this time so every 5% I get a prize.  I don't have them all figured out yet but things like a teeth whitening kit, mederma stretch mark cream, & of course new clothes along the way.  I will post a more detailed list of rewards by which percentage on a later post.  Right now I am just trying to stay motivated.

WEIGH IN 4/10/2011

Made it to the WW meeting this morning to weigh in & the official weight is 165.8 so I am down -5.2 lbs.    I love the start of the week cause I get all my weekly points available again. I don't feel as stressed like today we went to burger king & I ate a cheese burger & fries & also splurged after my points were gone & had some popcorn. I used some of my weekly points but nothing like last week when I used almost 2 weeks worth in 2 days. 

This is normally where I quit.  Why I don't know I had a really tough week last week I ate to much & was negative in my weekly points. I ALWAYS struggle through my second week & by the end of it I am so frustrated I say screw it. Because of this making it through next week is super important to me. I feel that if I can break this two week curse I will be able to keep going. Again I have to say I love this program/plan.  It is just very difficult to remember that I am learning a lifestyle again that is teaching me moderation is the key. 

Today's meeting they stressed the importance of me time.  They went around the room asking what our ideas of me time is & people said: reading, taking a bath, going for a walk.  And he pointed out that no one said eating food.  It made me think WOW.  I don't ever consider snaking as me time but the first thing I do when I am stressed or overwhelmed is eat not think OK I need to take some meet time to decompress.  I don't know what that seemed to be such a shocker for me. I know I am an emotional eater I just never connected the lack of me time to it AT ALL!! Today I did consider the meeting as me time. I didn't have to listen for a baby or stop in the middle of something to help DS1.  It was relaxing, Church is the same way except I am always watching the reader board to see if one of my boys numbers come up, meaning I am need upstairs to change a diaper or something.  So my goal this week is to find me time everyday. I don't write on this blog until everyone is asleep so this has taken the place of my journaling so blogging is very much me time. But I need a way to chill when the kids aren't in bed yet or when I am at work.  As much as I hate to admit it going to the gym is also excellent me time. But getting there is so difficult. I work until 5:30 so I come home eat dinner & it is almost 7PM & then it is time to start baths & bedtimes. The best time to work out is on my days off.  I am going to try to get to the gym at least once this week. I think that is a good goal I would love to start going three days right away but I think one day is much more realistic.

A Bed of Nails

I wrote this back in 2009 after I had lost almost 30lbs & then quickly gained it back. This is how I feel about my weight loss struggle.

I sleep on a bed of nails
It pokes & sticks me all night
It is so uncomfortable I can't sleep
Sometimes it even makes me cry
I dread going to bed
I stress knowing all the pain
And tossing & turning that is coming
I am angry that I've been sleeping on it for so long

I dream of having a nice cushy bed
Memory foam and all
So comfortable and softThe same position I went to sleep in
No more pain, anger, stress or tears

Then one day it happened
My dream came true, my prayers answered
I came home to find the bed of my dreams
In my room magically, right next to my bed of nails
All soft, warm & waiting for me to climb in

I let out a big sigh & smile
but only for a moment
Then it starts to set in
The anxiety & fear 
I walk toward my dream bed
And walk right past it
And lay on my bed of nails
As I let the familiar pain set it
I cry myself to sleep

Maybe one day I will sleep in
The bed of my dreams
That is now so close in reach
But for now I cling to my pain

Fighting the urges & losing

Well I hate to say it but it was a typical second week woes.  I have eaten two weeks worth of weekly points in two days!  I have no cushion now.  I am frustrated & just keep turning to food. I am trying to come up w/ ways to fight the cycle & I am losing. I remember going through this even when I lost weight w/ LA Weight Loss. After every weigh in day was a splurge day or two & I would have to be really good the rest of the week to get my 2 lbs loss for the next week. Which proves to me that if I can stick to it w/o splurging as much as I am my weight loss could be even more successful.

Tonight was Biggest Loser night.  Season after season I watch these people melt away & say get up off the couch & start living.  All of them become big fitness & health nuts. I am not saying that is a bad thing but I just can't see myself at that place.  Don't get me wrong when I work out regularly I love it but the whole eating right all the time frustrates me because it isn't realistic.  But then I am reminded that this is what WW is teaching me, MODERATION.

My anxiety is really high for some reason right now which also doesn't help w/ the diet. But tomorrow is another day & I need to start it in the right direction. Hopefully the rest of the week goes better.

WEIGH IN on 4/3/2011

So this isn't an official WW weigh in, cause I didn't get there today, but at my house this morning after eating almost all my weekly points yesterday alone I was still down 4. I weighed in at 167 and I am not happy w/ it.  See I am crazy!! My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week and this week I lost 4 lbs so I am technically ahead of the game and yet I can't stop thinking about when I was almost down 6 lbs on Wed.
I have thought about only weighing myself once a week but I can't seem to help it. I weigh my self sometimes several times a day. My Friends say it isn't healthy & I know it isn't accurate to weigh myself like that.  Yet all I care about it seeing the smallest number possible on the scale so I know that on a work day when I get up at 7AM I am going on my days off when I don't get up until around 9 AM.  This is why places like WW have set meetings & weigh in times so it is consistent. SO knowing all this WHY on earth am I upset about my 4 lbs weight loss? Here is where my vicious cycle normally begins. It can either start on a good or bad weigh in. How can it start on a good weigh in you ask, well I think Oh I am doing great I can afford to splurge a little my goal is only 2lbs a week. Then on a bad weigh in where I am not losing or gaining I think well screw it. 

I know I've heard this before but I have to say it is 100% true for me. The  more junk you put into your body the more you body craves the junk. Just yesterday I splurged w/ my weekly points had some sweet & sour chicken & chocolate bar or two. And today I couldn't stop myself we went to Red Robin & I ate a bacon cheese burger 28 P+ (I hate 1/2 of it) & oh yes I had to have fries w/ it another 8 P+ then I ate another chocolate bar, Tortilla chips & cheese, & now just finished off a foot long subway. SO my weekly points were just refreshed today & I think I have used everyone of them.  And as I sit here I want more chocolate so bad & I think well why not. But I am going to resist. Tomorrow I am back to packing my lunch & eating well & I think I need to start dividing up my weekly points so I don't eat them all back to back in two days.

So onto the infamous week 2. In Biggest Loser it is the week where everyone loses the smallest percentage of weight & it is the week I normally give up & quit.

It feels like cheating....

I have had a tough couple days w/ eating right, well kinda.  See w/ the new WW P+ plan similar to the old plan you got weekly points. I have been dipping into those weekly points the last two days & I feel terrible about it.  I normally would have said well I screwed this meal up might as well screw the whole day up & eat away.  I am very ALL or NOTHING type of person. I wish I could always be all about losing weight but I mainly stay on the nothing side. So I keep on reminding myself I am not cheating I am still on plan & not to throw the whole thing out the window, which is my first instinct.

SO for example of my splurging yesterday; I had packed my lunch for work like a good girl & when I got to work found out it was chili feed day. The smell filled the entire call center. So by lunch time I had checked out the points value & said yeah I can do that 9 points plus for a cup of chili. So I went & got what looked like 3/4 cup of chili & it was very tasty.  Then I made the mistake of going upstairs by the deli & found out that it was French Dip day. French Dips are one of my FAVORITE MEALS!!!!!!!!  I would even eat it for Breakfast. So I have no idea where my will power went but I went & got the special & Oh my it even came w/ Potato Salad. I only took a couple bites of the salad & ate 1/2 of my French dip but I felt sooooo bad after eating all that food. However I put it all into my tracker & still have points left for dinner, not many but some so I used some weekly points for my snack that night. Then today I decided to budget my points to allow for my breakfast splurge of a breakfast sandwich from the deli at work, around 8 points +. But there is something about that sandwich, I don't know how but the English muffin w/ egg, ham & Havarti cheese makes me want chocolate. I always have this undesirable urge to eat chocolate after I eat it & I normally do. So I ate my Kashi Golean peanut butter & chocolate, another 5 p+. All this week my breakfast was costing me 4 p+: Oatmeal & strawberries.  Today's was 13!!  So needless to say I had to used some weekly points again.

As I said in my last post I have been saving my weekly points for date night tomorrow night w/ my hubby. I am concerned about the weigh in being after the day I am planning on spend all my weekly points. I was thinking about going to a meeting tomorrow & weighing in but I don't think they count any weight in besides your official day & my is Sunday. I've been weighing myself at home & on Wed was thrilled & in disbelief at what I saw, the scale said 165.8, I weighed two more time to make sure it was sure about that. But I hadn't used any of my weekly points at that point so now the scale has gone up a bit. And I don't know if my scale & the one at WW matches, I forgot to weigh myself before I left for the meet ting on Sunday. 

So possible weight in tomorrow instead of Sunday, stayed tuned for the official results.

I am just passing through

Part of my weight loss battle is I practically feel guilty for complaining about being over weight.  I only have 47 lbs to lose where most of America has much more to lose so I feel bad complaining. I go to web sites like 3fatchicks.com & go to there goal forum & look a pics of people who have lost over 100 lbs. And most people find that inspiring but the first thing that comes to my mind is "I could never do that".

I have had two separate occasions in the last couple weeks where God has spoken & encouraged me through my devotions. The thing that is going to be my mantra is "I am just passing through" The devotion was based off the Psalm 23:4 "Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."  So I was sure this devotion titled "You're Just Passing Through" was going to be about death & heaven but to my wonderful surprise it was about feeling stuck in a situation that you feel will never change we must allow God to guide you through it. And when the devil says, "You're trapped" to say No I am just passing through!

Another quote I love that I saw for the first time on 3fatchicks.com is: "A year from now you'll be glad you started today."  It is so true! I told my self when I turned 30 that by my next birthday I would be at my goal weight giving me a whole year to accomplish this & my 31st birthday was this month.

I am happy to say today is day 4 of being on Weight Watchers again.and I am still on track. I still have most of my weekly points that I am trying to save for this Saturday because DH & I are going out to dinner & I would really like to not have to worry about what I want to order.

Hedonistic Hunger

"hedonistic hunger" = an urge to eat when the body has no biological need to.

Hedonism is a school of thought which argues that pleasure is the only intrinsic good.^[1] This is often used as a justification for evaluating actions in terms of how much pleasure and how little pain (i.e. suffering) they produce. In very simple terms, a hedonist strives to maximize this net pleasure
So there it is. This is what I have. I eat to make my self feel good aka emotional eating. The name is kinda scary. I would have NEVER thought of it as a Hedonist act when I emotionally eat. 

When I emotionally eat I do get some kind of high from it. It takes away my problems just for a little while until the guilt of what I ate sets in. Then to make the guilt go away I eat a little something more. It is a viscous circle that never ends.

There is also the aspect of social eating for me too. As long as I can remember my Mom, her best friend & I go out to eat & visit once a week. And also in High School our hang out was the local Red Robin where lots of friends from school worked & every Sunday Night after Youth Group we would all head to the DQ for fries & blizzards.  And I came upon this realization about a year ago: I was a blast getting fat.  I know a couple jaws just dropped but it was. As I ate out & hung out, went on dates w/ DH there are wonderful memories connected to all that eating that brought me here to 171 lbs.  When I did lose weight last time & got down to 140 lbs what happened was I got happy & content w/ my weight so I stopped keeping as close of track of what I ate. I maintained for a few months then started eating out more & more again.  Right now I can tell you that last week I ate out 4 out of 7 nights. And that is probably close to average for us. Whether it is picking up a pizza, fast food or a sit down restaurant we don't eat home cooked meals very often.  I am so glad that it is spring & can't wait for summer for corn on the cob & salmon bbq's. It is always easier to eat healthier during the summer because of all the yummy fruits & veggies that are out.

Speaking of veggies. I am thinking I want to try spaghetti squash. I found out how to cook it & I would really like to try it w/ spaghetti sauce. I'll let you all know how that goes when I do try it. This week is a crazy week for me to start trying to stop eating out. DH had a dentist apt for a filling tonight, I have one for a filling tomorrow night & then DH has another dentist apt on Wed night for his normal 6 month cleaning. So two nights out of the week one of us are going to be numb.  Two weeks ago I had another filling & I didn't eat until 10 PM & that isn't good for the metabolism. I may try to eat dinner before the apt tomorrow.

Weigh in 3/27/11

I went into Weight Watchers & had my official weigh in at 171 lbs. I stayed for the meeting which I feel like they are what AA meetings are to an alcoholic. I know I have some kind of food addiction maybe just based on emotions.  The last time I succeeded at weight loss was thru LA Weight loss & I believe it had allot to do w/ my weekly weigh ins I had to come in & sit down one on one w/ someone who looked at my food journal so if the scale didn't show me loosing weight they would say well here is why.  My family has always tried to support me & be there for me to be accountable to but it doesn't work.  When my poor DH tires I tell him to just shut up. For some reason being accountable to strangers seems to work better for me. So I got a monthly pass I can go to as many meetings as I need to a week but I only weight in once a week.

When I was younger I was told it isn't healthy to think about food allot. When I am just eating what sounds good I don't think about it as much. However when I am watching what I eat I think about food from the time I wake up until the time I got to sleep.  I have to practically chant I can do this, I can do this, Don't eat that, I can do this. It is exhausting!

The Unhappy Hippos intro

Did you know that a Hippo is as wide as they are long?  Dr. Oz says you waist should only be a max of 1/2 your height. So for example I am 59 inches tall so my waist should only be 29.5 inches around. At my last measurements 2 months ago my waist was 46 inches around, EEEEKKKK!!!! I have almost 20 inches on my waist alone to lose. 

Some more about myself. 
-Jesus Christ is my Lord & Savior
-I have a wonderfully blessed life w/ my Husband & our two wonderful little boys
-I have depression & anxiety/panic disorder.
-I have very low self esteem That is now effecting my desire to see people
-I want to be at my goal weight w/ out all the work. I know that isn't how it works & I can hear Jillian Michaels say Fine then you just don't want it enough.  (Yes I am a Biggest Loser fan & so sad this is her last season)  I know all the right things to think, say & do but I sit on my couch & stuff my face. 
-I have always been the "fat friend" Even as the fat friend in High School I was a size 10, something I would love to be again.
-I am an emotional eater. When I am sad I eat, when I am happy I eat.
-I watched my Moms weight yo-yo my entire life. She has tried & done almost every fad diet out there & for this reason I refuse to take anything, even if it is natural, that says it will increase my metabolism or curb my appetite. Or join in any diet that has you remove whole food groups from your life.
-I am only 4' 11'' making my "healthy" weight range 99-124 lbs
-My BMI is 34.3 classified as Obese


My Weight Loss struggle

My weight has always been on my mind. I was even borderline anorexic part of my Junior year in high school. It didn't last very long & I mainly ate a very small lunch was all. That is when I hit my lowest weight ever: 111 lbs. When I hit 111 lbs I was able to borrow clothes from friends which I could never do before! That was my junior year by my Senior year I was 130 lbs & I met my now husband & we started dating.
By the time I was 21 I was 145 lbs I broke down one day to my parents, I was still living at home, about how I can't stand the way I look & how I want to fix me because I can feel me know being myself because I was getting self conscious. So my Dad, who used to be a bodybuilder, had me start working out 3 times a week & my Mom started packing my breakfast & lunches I kept to 1000 to 1200 calories a day.  I got down to 130 lbs I was Thrilled!!! During this weight loss I never saw the scale I just set up rewards once I hit a certain weight. I would stand on the scale backwards & my Dad kept track of it & told me when I got to get my next reward. This was Dec of 2001.
Fast Forward: 2 years I am now engaged to the man of my Dreams & back up to 145 lbs. I was so happy about getting married & planning my wedding I didn't even bother trying to lose weight because we got married after a very short engagement. After almost 6 years of dating I had my whole wedding planned years before he asked.
Fast Forward another 2 years: I am now 155 lbs & just found out I am pregnant w/ our first son. Yes it was planned & I saw no point in trying to lose weight until after I had a baby. I figured I would have to lose the baby weight anyway right????  So Pregnancy is the most amazing weight loss tool for me EVER!  I only gained 15 lbs during my whole pregnancy & by my 6 week follow up apt I am down 19 lbs that's right 4 lbs less than when I started my pregnancy. I was 151 lbs. So only a short 6 months later I am 167lbs yep I managed to gain all the weight I lost I am now only 3 lbs short of what I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant.  So in March of 2007 I joined LA Weight Loss. It is a wonderful plan by Sept 07 I was down to 140 lost 27 lbs & that is with some cheating on my plan & no exercising. Again I have reached happy Me so I started eating like everyone else.
Oct 2009 Yep up again a new high 172 lbs.  And we find out we are pregnant w/ my 2nd son, another planned event. And I only gain 8 lbs w/ this pregnancy  & lose 21 by my six week apt putting me back down to 151. My plans had been to maintain that & keep it going down BUT guess what?
Today I am 170 lbs. In late January I convinced my Mom to join Weight Watchers w/ me & in one week I lost 5lbs! I am in love w/ the point plus system it works I don't feel deprived. And I stopped my Mom is now down 25 lbs & here I sit. 

In between all these mile stone weight loss attempts I tried to start LA weight loss again & counting calories & never stuck to it. I can't seem to stay track longer than two weeks. I have thought about blogging about my weight trouble before but my fear of failing & quitting prevented me. I tend to stay on track when I journal & believe me I have allot of weight loss journals all starting the same way "Here I am again weighing in at...." & all never having a happy ending.  I joined weight loss forums but I know what they are all going to say either be encouraging or say how I need to just stick to it, etc... These are things I am VERY aware of but for some reason I outright fight against it.

My only enabler is my self. My family & Husband is VERY supportive. My DH eats what every I need to eat when I am trying to lose weight & he never says no if I say I want to go to the gym can you watch the boys. I am going to start my journey again tomorrow. I hope I will see true success this time around & I can turn this unhappy hippo to a happy hippo.