Still not back on the weight loss bandwagon. Not even chasing it or pretending to chase it. Just letting it go by me again & again.
Went to get dressed today grabbed some clean size 16 jeans & they are way to tight so I go back to the looser size 16 jeans I wore yesterday they felt much better but I thought I just wore the other ones a few weeks ago & they were fine. So today ended up warming up so 1/2 way through the day I went to change from my jeans to shorts for the first time I dug my size 16 shorts out of my drawers & what do you know to tight. I had to put shorts w/ an elastic waist on. My XL shirts are getting to small & I found a before pic from when I tried to lose weight before I was even engaged so we are talking about 9 or 10 years ago. I was still living w/ my parents & we all took before & after pics cause we were going to try out this tea that my Mom was starting to sell, it had ephedra in it. So there was a contest that required before & after pics & I saw it and wanted to cry. I was over 20 lbs lighter than I am now in that pic & I remember how fat I thought I was. I look at the pic & thing how could I have thought I was fat my boobs are still sticking out further than my stomach. Granted I have had two babies since this & was much younger & had the elasticity in my skin & no stretch marks. I was instantly depressed & does this motivate me to lose weight no I wanted to go stuff my face w/ something full of carbs so I could have a high for a little while. Hi, my name is Crystal & I am addicted to food. It is hard cause I do turn to food for that instant high to feel better when things go wrong but I can't remove food from my life because so I have to fight it EVERY day & it is just exhausting. It kills me to know I know how to lose weight & I know I can lose weight so why won't I??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ever since we went to that wedding I have just been using myself as my own personal punching bag. I rag on my self constantly & I've notices I am really short w/ DH lately. Around when I had lost the 9 lbs DH out on a date night & I remember feeling so loved & so beautiful that night. It was the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about he touching my fat roll when he had his arm around me. Normally it throws my brain into fatland when ever that happens cause I am so aware that he is touching the ugly fat. I can't stop thinking about it wondering what he is thinking. Anyway it is just a little in sight to how my crazy brain works.
DS2 just had his 1st Birthday & DS1 is about to turn 5 in a few days so lots of party planing & Fathers Day is this weekend so we have a couple BBQ's planned then it is the 4th of July the weekend after the Boys Birthday party so I keep on thinking Oh I'll start the Sunday after the 4th but then I get mad & think it is just more excuses & there is NO reason not to start now. My BFF was in town. She has lost 50 lbs in about a year & 1/2 & she is so much happier & healthier she has a rubber bracelet that says "No more Excuses, Get it Done!" My SIL are thinking about ordering a couple for our selves w/ either that or another one we like is "A year from now you'll be glad you started today"
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