Why??

Why am I thinking if I buy something it will help motivate me? I had convinced myself that I needed a fitbit because it doesn't cost me a fee to use. But I already have my body media band and pay for the subscription and I've read it is more accurate at tracking your calorie burn.  The time to get thin before Disneyland is gone, before my drivers license has to be renewed is gone.  Like I said the other day I can lose a small amount but not what I was hoping for. Realistically I could lose close to 15 lbs in the next 7 weeks. This morning the scale rang in at 180.6. The person at work that sits behind me just rejoined weight watchers. My Mom has announced that she is going to do Medifast and so the weight will start melting off of her, I want it to work for her & I don't want her to gain back again, but I get that jealousy about her losing and me not. Then my BFF is starting a new diet plan on Friday that says you can lose up to 20 lbs in 4 weeks.  She gave me the diet plan and I don't like what they want you to eat because it slowly takes away meals and during one of the weeks you only get 2 meals and day and snacks.  And all this makes me think should I order the one month small packet from LA Weight loss for $150? Then I feel like screaming at myself because I just need to get off my ass and start counting my calories.

I know that if I got up at 6:30 AM worked out and showered before my boys got up I would feel so much better about my whole day.  My mood would improved and I would be more motivated to eat right the rest of the day. All that is worth so much more than that extra hour of sleep.  I put my alarm clock across the room to hopefully help wake me up in the morning and that didn't work. It was just as easy to get up turn it off and crawl back in bed.   I was telling DH that I think I a big part of my problem is my lack of self worth.  I don't have the ability to force myself to do it because it is really all about me. I don't have motivation to reach the goals I want to accomplish.  In MK they would say I need a bigger "why" a bigger reason that I can turn to to keep me going but honestly is there any bigger reason that to be healthy and live longer? Not really. And yet I still struggle w/ the emotional attachment I have to food. I need to find the strength to turn it down and deal w/ the fear of failure.  The fear of gaining the weight back if I lose it. Honestly that is what scares me the most. Is losing it all just to gain it back again and the thought that what if I put in all this work and effort and I see no results. Then I can't help but think of the other side of the spectrum and I know what I have inside of me. I know the competitive athlete so well and I crave the feeling of being that person again. Of the adrenaline when I can out run people, when I punch people in the arm and they say owe, lol!   I need to learn to compete w/ myself. I need to treat my diet as a competition to see what my best is.  I know my best is staying on plan and working out and I haven't done that in *GULP* 11 years.  I mean I've worked out and I've dieted but not together as a system since 2002.  When I did LA Weight Loss my only source of exercise was walking around the mall on Wed morning.  So I don't count that & the time before that I lost weight my Mom was making my meals and counting my calories for me & my Dad was my personal trainer making me work out even when I really didn't want to. I mean I would get PISSED when he would make me sometimes but it was good cause I wouldn't have done it on my own.  I started gaining the weight back when I started a new job and then w/ LA weight loss I started gaining back after the holidays, I maintained for 6 months. That tells me that I did learn how to eat correctly and not give into emotion when I was on that plan.  It means I can do it again.

I want to start tomorrow but I am not prepared enough to start tomorrow and I feel like it is such a lame non-excuse and that I am saying it ALL the time.  But I can't diet w/o the tools and we are out of healthy food in this house because it is time to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I have 2 apts one at the chiropractor and another at the dentist. but I want to take an inventory of our food and make a meal plan & shopping list.  Being prepared makes the difference between making the wrong or right food choices. If you can make the right food choice also the easy choice it is amazing. I remember that is how I used to do it w/ LA weight loss. I had everything portioned out for my snacks and lunches.
So i need a new rule of no sitting down until I have work out clothing set out, clothes picked out for the next day for the boys & I. And lunches, snacks and lunches prepackaged and ready to go or be made. If I did all that I could even sleep in an extra 15-30 mins int he morning and still get everything done. DH schedule is about to change again so he will be working a 4/10 swing shift and not be home for dinner until March after vacation when his schedule changes again.  So I need to be able to have meals I can make w/o DH BBQ for me. So I will be just letting my new Foreman grill live on our kitchen counter. Cause last time DH worked this shift I ate out EVERY NIGHT! I must plan so I can stay on track.

So tomorrow and possibly the next day I will taken inventory, plan, write, shop and prep. I will be sticking to a 1200-1500 calorie a day. 1500 calories on my work out days and 1200 on non work out days.  I will write more tomorrow I am going to make spread sheets and motivational sheets and plaster my house w/ them from bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.  I will post copies or links if I can figure out google docs.