"Stop picking on my wife"

I told DH I am broken and I don't know how to fix it.  I told him how for the last 6 years I wake up every morning and think I need to lose weight, remind myself how un healthy I am & how large I am, then I obsess over food and think about it all day long.  DH doesn't like it when I talk about my weight.  A look of sadness came over his face as I talked and it made me sad.  He wishes he could fix me and reminds me that I am the only one who can.  I feel God reminding me that I can rely on him.  I have allot of friends right now going through somethings I couldn't imagine having to go through and then I feel guilty that I sit here so miserable about something I have control over.  As DH went to bed tonight he kissed me and said "Stop picking on my wife." It made me think of what I do to my self inside my head everyday.

I am so incredibly blessed and the fact that I live in a state of constant negativity is not ok. It is truly the root of all my problems.  Of all my depression, anxiety, worry, my lack of action and so much crap. I've had negative thinking about my body since before I knew my DH.  I am sure I've told you guys this before but I played w/ anorexia in High School. And it wasn't until I lost weight that I started getting attention from boys.  I wasn't the smartest, pretties or thinest of my closest friends in school. Don't get me wrong I loved High School would do it all again. But I think I can trace my negative thinking to have started there.  I used to think it started after that because I was still my out going crazy self in high school but it is where I allowed the seeds of negativity to be planted. It was due to all the comparison. They say that "Comparison is the thief of joy". Now I can say I know the root of my problem. Which I have wondered for years.  I have trained my brain to be this way and I need to un-train it.

I am now to the point in my weight that I don't know that I compare myself anymore as much as I am so much more focused on the health aspect of how I am feeling.  I can't stand at work for very long because I start to sweat because I am standing. WHAT THE HECK!?!?!  I used to be an athletic person and I miss that so much. The fact that I am to the point where walking to and from my car has me winded and I can't stand for long periods of time kind of scares me.