Just finished watching a romantic comedy w/ DH. Is it strange that watching these movies make me want to lose weight? And it isn't because the actresses are thin it is because of the looks the leading men in the movies give their leading ladies. That look of awe, where you can tell they are thinking how attracted they are to her and how lucky they are to have her & how much they love her. You know the one I am talking about. My husband hasn't looked at me that way in years. Now my husband loves me like crazy but that look has been missing for a long time. I want it back! I don't think that that look is based solely on my appearance. You can be beautiful on the outside and a horrible person. It is the person I become when I lose weight. I am happier, healthier & confident. That confidence in myself is where that look comes from. When I can walk into the room & know I am smokin hot. That is when I see that look from him. Here comes a TMI but when I get that look while he is looking at my naked body and man does that drive me wild. However like I said that look hasn't happened in years.
I sit here feeling my double chin rest on my chest. And I want to continue on my journey back to the confident me. But I ate out all week. After going to the store and buying all those vegetables. I haven't prepped anything or counted my calories. I am working on a poster that states positive & motivating things on it that I am going to put up in front of my treadmill. I'll post a pic of the room once it is all done and the office is put back together w/ my new weight bench set up. I want to put "to get the Look" on my poster but then I think it would make DH sad if he asked what that meant & I had to explain it to him. I need to get this food think under control....
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
"Choose to Lose"
I already told you that I've been reading Choose to Lose by Chris Powell and some of the chapters hit me right where I live. I mean I almost started crying at work. I HIGHLY recommend this book.
So in the Chapter Change your mind, Change your body. I highlighted so much. He talks about how your body is a machine and at first I am like yeah yeah but then he gets deeper. He goes on to explain how "If you don't take control of your machine, it will eventually wreak havoc on itself- and you." He talks about how you need to control you machine w/ your mind because It will always be tired, will want to say in your current habits & it's ran by your emotions. but with "Each daily victory will build upon the last until you reach the point where your emotion-fueled machine is no match for you. When your machine submits to your mind, they work together in harmony.... and are unstoppable. Together, you can accomplish anything and everything you set out to achieve, from breaking destructive habits to loosing as much weight as you need to!" He then asks you to do something silly and get to know your machine. So he his having you making silly faces, squishing your face around and then he gets to your stomach and tells you to "Feel the layer of body fat. Grab it. Squeeze it." At this point I am thinking he is nuts cause this is just not a happy thing to do. then he says "While holding it, understand that your body fat is simply a layer of unused energy-- that's all. It's a sign that your body is beautifully efficient." WHAT??? I've never EVER thought about it that way. So I am now thinking, ok so my body is doing what is suppose to do and it is doing a great job at it. No matter how hard I've tried it the past I've never been able to come up w/ something positive to say about my fat and OMGoodness there IS a positive way to think about it.
Then he started talking about Integrity, I don't know if I've never really thought about the definition of integrity. I know some people that I would say yes she has integrity. This is where I started feeling the lump in my throat grow. "Integrity is, fundamentally, the value we place on ourselves. It's our ability to make and keep commitments to ourselves, to 'walk our talk.' It's honor with self, the essence of proactive growth.(quoted in his book from the 7 Habits of highly effective people) To live with integrity is to honor your word and commitments, to yourself first, and then to others. By following through on your daily health commitments, you grow your won self-worth so that you can take greater and greater control of your machine. As this happens you begin to see your potential to take on bigger challenges. Your machine is at your command. You start to see that your target is within reach." "Look into the mirror and say to yourself, I have not fulfilled promises that I have made to myself it has hurt my self-esteem and confidence. But now I am re-comminting to my goals!" It made me realize I have no integrity. I am not true to my word to myself ever. Things I feel are important to me never happen.
In a later chapter he said to take your measurements and your before pictures. My measurements are so horrible. I had my Mom double check my waist one. I've NEVER been that big. I had her measure the largest part of my waist right at my belly button and I and I am going to post my measurements and my pics.
Neck: 15 1/4
Biceps: 14 1/4 (right)
14 1/2 (left)
Chest: 47
Tummy 50
Hips 48 1/2
Thighs 25 (right)
24 3/4 (left)
Calves 15 1/4 (right)
15 1/2 (left)
These pictures have me not at my heaviest because this morning my weigh in was at 179.2 and my heaviest is 182.8 however they are the largest measurements I have ever recorded even from back in Nov I had a starting weight of 181 and my measurements were slightly smaller. The circumference of my stomach at it's largest point is 2 itches taller than my 7 year old. Not sure how I have gotten to this point but it stops here. It has to. One of my goals is now to live w/ integrity & be in control of my machine. By Sept 1st I will be 54.2 lbs lighter. closing out today w/ some more quotes from Choose to Lose: "From this moment on I will face each and every downfall in life as an opportunity to become stronger. I will use my resolve, perseverance, and resourcefulness to find solutions and meet my daily commitments." "My current lifestyle is not working of rme. I am ready for a change. I choose to use my inner strength and resourcefulness to fulfill the daily commitments that will lead to a thinner, healthier, happier me. I am now and athlete in training.
So in the Chapter Change your mind, Change your body. I highlighted so much. He talks about how your body is a machine and at first I am like yeah yeah but then he gets deeper. He goes on to explain how "If you don't take control of your machine, it will eventually wreak havoc on itself- and you." He talks about how you need to control you machine w/ your mind because It will always be tired, will want to say in your current habits & it's ran by your emotions. but with "Each daily victory will build upon the last until you reach the point where your emotion-fueled machine is no match for you. When your machine submits to your mind, they work together in harmony.... and are unstoppable. Together, you can accomplish anything and everything you set out to achieve, from breaking destructive habits to loosing as much weight as you need to!" He then asks you to do something silly and get to know your machine. So he his having you making silly faces, squishing your face around and then he gets to your stomach and tells you to "Feel the layer of body fat. Grab it. Squeeze it." At this point I am thinking he is nuts cause this is just not a happy thing to do. then he says "While holding it, understand that your body fat is simply a layer of unused energy-- that's all. It's a sign that your body is beautifully efficient." WHAT??? I've never EVER thought about it that way. So I am now thinking, ok so my body is doing what is suppose to do and it is doing a great job at it. No matter how hard I've tried it the past I've never been able to come up w/ something positive to say about my fat and OMGoodness there IS a positive way to think about it.
Then he started talking about Integrity, I don't know if I've never really thought about the definition of integrity. I know some people that I would say yes she has integrity. This is where I started feeling the lump in my throat grow. "Integrity is, fundamentally, the value we place on ourselves. It's our ability to make and keep commitments to ourselves, to 'walk our talk.' It's honor with self, the essence of proactive growth.(quoted in his book from the 7 Habits of highly effective people) To live with integrity is to honor your word and commitments, to yourself first, and then to others. By following through on your daily health commitments, you grow your won self-worth so that you can take greater and greater control of your machine. As this happens you begin to see your potential to take on bigger challenges. Your machine is at your command. You start to see that your target is within reach." "Look into the mirror and say to yourself, I have not fulfilled promises that I have made to myself it has hurt my self-esteem and confidence. But now I am re-comminting to my goals!" It made me realize I have no integrity. I am not true to my word to myself ever. Things I feel are important to me never happen.
In a later chapter he said to take your measurements and your before pictures. My measurements are so horrible. I had my Mom double check my waist one. I've NEVER been that big. I had her measure the largest part of my waist right at my belly button and I and I am going to post my measurements and my pics.
Neck: 15 1/4
Biceps: 14 1/4 (right)
14 1/2 (left)
Chest: 47
Tummy 50
Hips 48 1/2
Thighs 25 (right)
24 3/4 (left)
Calves 15 1/4 (right)
15 1/2 (left)
These pictures have me not at my heaviest because this morning my weigh in was at 179.2 and my heaviest is 182.8 however they are the largest measurements I have ever recorded even from back in Nov I had a starting weight of 181 and my measurements were slightly smaller. The circumference of my stomach at it's largest point is 2 itches taller than my 7 year old. Not sure how I have gotten to this point but it stops here. It has to. One of my goals is now to live w/ integrity & be in control of my machine. By Sept 1st I will be 54.2 lbs lighter. closing out today w/ some more quotes from Choose to Lose: "From this moment on I will face each and every downfall in life as an opportunity to become stronger. I will use my resolve, perseverance, and resourcefulness to find solutions and meet my daily commitments." "My current lifestyle is not working of rme. I am ready for a change. I choose to use my inner strength and resourcefulness to fulfill the daily commitments that will lead to a thinner, healthier, happier me. I am now and athlete in training.
Monday, January 27, 2014
My balloon deflated..
I woke up still proud of the work outs I accomplished this week. Thinking I can totally do this just got to get the eating thing planned and figured out. So I started digging into Chris Powell's "Choose to Lose" And was really starting to consider doing the carb cycling. He uses a wood stove as an example of our bodies metabolism. So when you have a roaring fire you have to keep putting fire wood on it to keep it at a steady burn and the fire burns up the wood no problem and then every now and they you throw a big log on & it burns it up really fast and the fire gets large. How ever if we let the fire die down and then throw the big log on it smothers the fire. His plan has high carb days and low carb days and the a free day where you can eat the foods your craving. I am skeptical cause I am like come on I have low carb days every other day and the very next day I can fill some of my carb cravings and the once a week I get to eat french fries or go out for popcorn at the movies?? Sounds to good to be true. So I thought to myself wouldn't hurt to try for a week. So I called my Mom to see what she thought. Then remembered that she should be weighing in soon so I asked her how her diet was going and she said today was weight in and she was down 9 lbs. I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. I am so glad she is losing the weight, she NEEDS to. When she started she was 208 lbs & her BMI was over 40 putting her in the morbidly obese category. I need her healthy so she can be around for a long time! But then the selfish side of me started thinking about how at this rate she is going to be thinner than me for our Disneyland trip. I started feeling pretty down. So I texted DH at work and here is how the conversation went down:
ME: My mom's weigh in was today and she is down 9 lbs. at this rate she is going to weight less than I do by vacation. I don't know what that is going to do to me mentally. Just the thought about it makes me feel so horrible. I am glad she is losing weight just never thought I would see the day, ya know?
DH:That is great for her! You need to not compare yourself to others babe you can do it too.
ME:Thanks for loving me even though I am so crazy
DH: I love you very much. I try to be as supportive as I can
ME: You are very supportive. My blog says that all the time ;-) I just wish I was more supportive of myself
DH:Sorry if I get impatient sometimes. I just get frustrated because I know you can do the things you want to do but you don't realize it yourself.
ME: very true. I do know I can do it but I just get overwhelmed to easily and then go into shut down mode.
DH: I think I know you better than you know you, you know. ;-P
He is my biggest cheer leader and truly believes in me and that I can do anything. I really just need to make up my mind on what I am doing food wise. I jumped back and forth from just work out & keep your calories 1500 or under. But after reading some of Chris's book it makes allot of since that if i keep to a 1200-1500 calorie diet my metabolism will eventually slow down to just burn that because your training your body that is all it needs to burn & this is what causes plateaus. But w/ carb cycling and larger calorie days your body keeps on burning. I don't know what to do: WW, Carb cycling, calorie counting???? AAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
ME: My mom's weigh in was today and she is down 9 lbs. at this rate she is going to weight less than I do by vacation. I don't know what that is going to do to me mentally. Just the thought about it makes me feel so horrible. I am glad she is losing weight just never thought I would see the day, ya know?
DH:That is great for her! You need to not compare yourself to others babe you can do it too.
ME:Thanks for loving me even though I am so crazy
DH: I love you very much. I try to be as supportive as I can
ME: You are very supportive. My blog says that all the time ;-) I just wish I was more supportive of myself
DH:Sorry if I get impatient sometimes. I just get frustrated because I know you can do the things you want to do but you don't realize it yourself.
ME: very true. I do know I can do it but I just get overwhelmed to easily and then go into shut down mode.
DH: I think I know you better than you know you, you know. ;-P
He is my biggest cheer leader and truly believes in me and that I can do anything. I really just need to make up my mind on what I am doing food wise. I jumped back and forth from just work out & keep your calories 1500 or under. But after reading some of Chris's book it makes allot of since that if i keep to a 1200-1500 calorie diet my metabolism will eventually slow down to just burn that because your training your body that is all it needs to burn & this is what causes plateaus. But w/ carb cycling and larger calorie days your body keeps on burning. I don't know what to do: WW, Carb cycling, calorie counting???? AAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Best work out yet!
Yesterday's work out was the best so far this last week. I've been keeping stats and I am surprised in the improvement I'm making in just one week. So I worked out 4 times this week. Once was just the treadmill then the other 3 times was treadmill & weights. Man have I missed weight training. Even though I am lifting low weight it is still satisfying. And it is easier to push my muscles to limits because it doesn't effect my asthma. After witnessing my efforts this week I told DH that I could really use a weight bench and w/o hesitation he said lets go get you one. I love him. He is always so supportive. He told me if it is something that will help me he will get it. And we got a great deal under $100 and it has the leg curling things at the end. So now we are trying to make room for it. I've been doing my weights on my balance ball and it isn't supporting my neck so I am thrilled to have a bench. But now we have to make room for it. Not sure how that is going to work yet but I will find a way! Another way DH showed his supportive side this week was because my house work has been suffering. I can't seem to have time to do both working out after work and picking up the house. I told DH he can either have a cranky fat wife & a clean house or a happy thin wife & a messy house. LOL! He told me he'd rather I work on me cause he can help w/ the house. This is coming from my DH who is super cranky when the house is a mess. His love language is acts of service so there is no better way for me to show him I love him than by cleaning the house & making dinner. So the fact that he said this is a big deal. One of the things that was said in the book I read "The Shift" is that she says to let your husband love you. I realized that is very difficult for me to do. I mean I know he loves me but I always worry about the fact that he has a fat wife and that his attraction to me must be suffering because of it. But truth is he loves me just the way I am and no matter how I feel about myself he doesn't see what I see. I hope he still sees the me he fell in love with. I know he misses my confidence and he finds it very attractive. My work outs are having an effect already on my confidence. I started the week on the treadmill trying to keep the pace at 3 MPH but had to bring it down to 2.8 once the incline was at 5 & 6. Yesterday I did my whole treadmill at 3.2 and the last 3 mins at 3.5. And my breathing already seems to be getting better. Today is my rest day I plan to rest on Wed & Sun. But I felt like I wanted to get on the treadmill. So happy the desire to work out seems to be returning so quickly. I just NEED to get the food thing figured out.
Friday, January 24, 2014
"The Shift"
I read a book today called "The Shift" by Taylor Johnson. Very quick read, read it all today. She talks about how she was overweight her whole life & what finally caused her to make the shift & change. I will not be trying her diet because it is NOT for me or the way I want to diet but the book wasn't about her diet it was about her mental process & changes made to be successful at her diet. Like I've said she also said any diet will work if you follow it & stick to it. But some of the things she wrote could have been right out of my own head.
"For years, an inner voice convinced me that I didn't take care of myself because i was to busy taking care of everyone else. But now a switch has been flipped. It wasn't just that I had to lose weight for cosmetic reasons. it was deeper, truer and more powerful than that. I had to take care of my self because there was no way I could continue to take care of my family until I got rid of what was literally and metaphorically weighing me down. "
I don't have time has been my excuse for YEARS. And just like my epiphany I had about how I would have never been upset w/ my Mom taking time to work out. I need to take this time not just for me but for my family. Speaking of working out I have done weight lifting twice this last week and the treadmill 3 more times since my last blog entry about the first time on the treadmill. I am very proud of that. However my weight is going up because I am not watching what I eat.
I joined The Biggest Loser at work again and because I have tomorrow off I weighed in this afternoon and OMGosh!! I've never seen my body produce that number on a scale. It read 187.? I wanted to run and hide! This is 6lbs higher than that 181.2 I got this morning. Yes I'd eaten lunch and drank a bunch of water and also was fully clothed including jeans where this morning I'm in cotton shorts and a tank top. So I know that is why but still it gave me this horrible sinking feeling that everyone in the competition is going to see this as my starting number and my first week weight loss is going to not be accurate because I am going to wear stretch pants and a not jeans!
DH & I went on a grocery shopping date night. No kids just him & I at Winco & Fred Meyer's. Got a ton of veggies and food to start eating healthier. I have tomorrow off and my plan is to make my list & prep foods and possibly cook/prepare meals if I can. Next week DH starts his swing shift and I will be on my own for dinner.
I keep on toying w/ the idea of joining WW again but just so I don't have to count calories but I would have to count points....... I don't know. My computer battery is about to die so I will blog more tomorrow about if I go w/ counting calories or if I am going to dig out my WW set I have still from last time I joined.
"For years, an inner voice convinced me that I didn't take care of myself because i was to busy taking care of everyone else. But now a switch has been flipped. It wasn't just that I had to lose weight for cosmetic reasons. it was deeper, truer and more powerful than that. I had to take care of my self because there was no way I could continue to take care of my family until I got rid of what was literally and metaphorically weighing me down. "
I don't have time has been my excuse for YEARS. And just like my epiphany I had about how I would have never been upset w/ my Mom taking time to work out. I need to take this time not just for me but for my family. Speaking of working out I have done weight lifting twice this last week and the treadmill 3 more times since my last blog entry about the first time on the treadmill. I am very proud of that. However my weight is going up because I am not watching what I eat.
I joined The Biggest Loser at work again and because I have tomorrow off I weighed in this afternoon and OMGosh!! I've never seen my body produce that number on a scale. It read 187.? I wanted to run and hide! This is 6lbs higher than that 181.2 I got this morning. Yes I'd eaten lunch and drank a bunch of water and also was fully clothed including jeans where this morning I'm in cotton shorts and a tank top. So I know that is why but still it gave me this horrible sinking feeling that everyone in the competition is going to see this as my starting number and my first week weight loss is going to not be accurate because I am going to wear stretch pants and a not jeans!
DH & I went on a grocery shopping date night. No kids just him & I at Winco & Fred Meyer's. Got a ton of veggies and food to start eating healthier. I have tomorrow off and my plan is to make my list & prep foods and possibly cook/prepare meals if I can. Next week DH starts his swing shift and I will be on my own for dinner.
I keep on toying w/ the idea of joining WW again but just so I don't have to count calories but I would have to count points....... I don't know. My computer battery is about to die so I will blog more tomorrow about if I go w/ counting calories or if I am going to dig out my WW set I have still from last time I joined.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Motiv-eat-ion
So with last nights thought process I seemed to have found motivation to work out. I am putting up a sheet & Mirrors in the office in front of my treadmill so I can watch myself shrink & keep track of my time, speeds, and calories burned. But now I need to find motivation to say no to the foods that I enjoy. Changing my eating habits is so difficult for me because it is connected to my whole it's not fair mind set. This is always my number one go to. Well it's not fair that they can eat it and not be fat & I can do it too in moderation. Which is correct you can do most things in moderation but I know right now I am unable to control my moderation. We all have tomorrow off thanks to Martin Luther King Jr. I am hooping to FINALLY get my meal planning, shopping & prepping done. Woke up sore this morning had a hard time sleeping last night just from cleaning and my 1/2 hour on the treadmill yesterday. Planning on doing another 1/2 hr tomorrow and maybe some weight training too. Very sleepy today but wanted to stop in & say that I really do have a desire to work out and that is great!! Hoping that will help me w/ the whole eating problem.
Asking hard questions.
So today I woke up, took my vitamins, got on the treadmill & did a 1/2 hr at 3.0 w/ inclines varying between 2-6. I had planned on just walking for 20 mins w/ no inclines so I was pretty proud that I did more. Then my BFF texted me and basically scolded me for only doing it for a 1/2 hr. I tried to explain that I was proud but to my confusion she seemed to think it was unacceptable. She said that she was saying it all w/ love and I know she was just trying to motivate me to go further because I could have. I could have continued w/o the incline but the kids needed things etc.. She also said "I wish I could flip a switch in you." Just like DH wishes. I understand where they are coming from they all don't understand why I don't make my needs important when they both find them important. Like I've always said I've always have had a great support group but putting myself before others is so difficult for me to do. I grew up where my Mom always put her self last and it is why I do it. I had a great childhood and I know all the sacrifices my Mom made for us is why. To this day my Mom puts everyones needs ahead of her own. She is very overweight and when I think would I have ever been upset if my Mom put going to the gym before taking me to the mall? Never. Do I wish she had taken the time for herself to be healthy & fit? Yes. And here's a doozy. Do I think that the time away that may have taken would have made my childhood any less wonderful? No. I've never asked these questions or thought about it this way until just now. I am always so concerned about what if the boys need me or how much time away it's going to take from them. But from the prospective of the kid, it isn't that way. My boys would rather have a Mom that can take them to the park & run w/ them, than one that sits on the couch while they play with their toys.
I need to remember just because I am getting healthy & taking some me time doesn't me I am not 100% devoted to my children. This is very difficult for me to not feel selfish when it comes to this stuff. I do have everything I need in my house right now to start my journey. When the time comes I'll start running around the neighborhood. And more importantly this is setting a healthy example for my kids to follow. They have already used my treadmill more than I have. This whole thought process scares the crap out of me. I am just so overwhelmed trying to be a better Mom, Wife & homemaker that I feel like I am going to explode if I try to fit making a better me in there as well. I have to make it all fit in some how. I need to keep them all a priority.
I need to remember just because I am getting healthy & taking some me time doesn't me I am not 100% devoted to my children. This is very difficult for me to not feel selfish when it comes to this stuff. I do have everything I need in my house right now to start my journey. When the time comes I'll start running around the neighborhood. And more importantly this is setting a healthy example for my kids to follow. They have already used my treadmill more than I have. This whole thought process scares the crap out of me. I am just so overwhelmed trying to be a better Mom, Wife & homemaker that I feel like I am going to explode if I try to fit making a better me in there as well. I have to make it all fit in some how. I need to keep them all a priority.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
The Jungle of Hope
Jungle
1. an area of land overgrown with dense forest and tangled vegetation.
While my boys were playing today they were pretending some of there toys had landed on a deserted island and they had to get to a safe place to be rescued. Then I heard the oldest say "Then we have to make it through the Jungle of Hope..." Stopped me dead in my tracks.
The Jungle of Hope. What an accurate phrase of so many different things you could be going through. A Jungle is not an easy thing to travel through. It takes lost of work and effort, no marked path, unable to see but only, maybe few feet in front of you, if that. The fact that the name of the Jungle is hope is mind blowing to me. I mean it is a place you must fight & struggle through how can it be called hope. The thing to remember is all this fighting and struggling is what is brining you closer to your dreams. To truly succeed in anything we may struggle w/ we all must travel through the Jungle of Hope. The Hope of reaching the other side is what keeps us going.
Imagine looking at this Jungle & it is so intimidating. I picture myself standing in an open field that buts right up to the jungle & just pacing it in front of it, weighing my options. The field is comfortable & easy, has every thing you need, but on the other side of this jungle is everything you dream of. The jungle is a land full of things blocking our path, these things have been growing and intertwining for years, making going through it extremely difficult. You decide the reward out weighs the fear and you enter the jungle. Some vines are so big & thick it is taking all your strength multiple times whacking it w/ a machete to get through. It gets worse before it gets better you reach the densest part of the jungle. You cry out in frustration & anger. This is where you want to give up, turn around and take the now beaten path behind you. Your frustrated, tired, not seeing the results you want or expected to see and you want to go back to the comfy field. This is where you have to decide to keep pushing forward or you decide to quit. What you haven't realized is through this all, as exhausted & frustrated as you are feeling you are getting stronger. You choose to keep pushing forward. The thicker vines are not taking as many hits before you break them. It is getting easier as your strength increases. Before you know it they vines that were so intimidating, you are crushing with out thought. It is now part of who you are. You can take them out w/ one blow hardly looking. Then you break through, you see the end of the Jungle. The other side is in site and you sprint towards it. All the work, frustration, pain and tears were all worth it. You collapse on the ground on the other side next to a beautiful lake and you catch a view of your reflection. Tears start to flow as you take a closer look, it's you. The real you, the you that you knew was in there.
I want this. I want to reach the other side of my jungle of hope. I want to see the real me again. I am practically in tears w/ the vivid images I have in my head right now. I'm so in love w/ the idea of the Jungle of hope I may change my blog title again. To think I could be so inspired just by over hearing my boys play.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Why??
Why am I thinking if I buy something it will help motivate me? I had convinced myself that I needed a fitbit because it doesn't cost me a fee to use. But I already have my body media band and pay for the subscription and I've read it is more accurate at tracking your calorie burn. The time to get thin before Disneyland is gone, before my drivers license has to be renewed is gone. Like I said the other day I can lose a small amount but not what I was hoping for. Realistically I could lose close to 15 lbs in the next 7 weeks. This morning the scale rang in at 180.6. The person at work that sits behind me just rejoined weight watchers. My Mom has announced that she is going to do Medifast and so the weight will start melting off of her, I want it to work for her & I don't want her to gain back again, but I get that jealousy about her losing and me not. Then my BFF is starting a new diet plan on Friday that says you can lose up to 20 lbs in 4 weeks. She gave me the diet plan and I don't like what they want you to eat because it slowly takes away meals and during one of the weeks you only get 2 meals and day and snacks. And all this makes me think should I order the one month small packet from LA Weight loss for $150? Then I feel like screaming at myself because I just need to get off my ass and start counting my calories.
I know that if I got up at 6:30 AM worked out and showered before my boys got up I would feel so much better about my whole day. My mood would improved and I would be more motivated to eat right the rest of the day. All that is worth so much more than that extra hour of sleep. I put my alarm clock across the room to hopefully help wake me up in the morning and that didn't work. It was just as easy to get up turn it off and crawl back in bed. I was telling DH that I think I a big part of my problem is my lack of self worth. I don't have the ability to force myself to do it because it is really all about me. I don't have motivation to reach the goals I want to accomplish. In MK they would say I need a bigger "why" a bigger reason that I can turn to to keep me going but honestly is there any bigger reason that to be healthy and live longer? Not really. And yet I still struggle w/ the emotional attachment I have to food. I need to find the strength to turn it down and deal w/ the fear of failure. The fear of gaining the weight back if I lose it. Honestly that is what scares me the most. Is losing it all just to gain it back again and the thought that what if I put in all this work and effort and I see no results. Then I can't help but think of the other side of the spectrum and I know what I have inside of me. I know the competitive athlete so well and I crave the feeling of being that person again. Of the adrenaline when I can out run people, when I punch people in the arm and they say owe, lol! I need to learn to compete w/ myself. I need to treat my diet as a competition to see what my best is. I know my best is staying on plan and working out and I haven't done that in *GULP* 11 years. I mean I've worked out and I've dieted but not together as a system since 2002. When I did LA Weight Loss my only source of exercise was walking around the mall on Wed morning. So I don't count that & the time before that I lost weight my Mom was making my meals and counting my calories for me & my Dad was my personal trainer making me work out even when I really didn't want to. I mean I would get PISSED when he would make me sometimes but it was good cause I wouldn't have done it on my own. I started gaining the weight back when I started a new job and then w/ LA weight loss I started gaining back after the holidays, I maintained for 6 months. That tells me that I did learn how to eat correctly and not give into emotion when I was on that plan. It means I can do it again.
I want to start tomorrow but I am not prepared enough to start tomorrow and I feel like it is such a lame non-excuse and that I am saying it ALL the time. But I can't diet w/o the tools and we are out of healthy food in this house because it is time to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I have 2 apts one at the chiropractor and another at the dentist. but I want to take an inventory of our food and make a meal plan & shopping list. Being prepared makes the difference between making the wrong or right food choices. If you can make the right food choice also the easy choice it is amazing. I remember that is how I used to do it w/ LA weight loss. I had everything portioned out for my snacks and lunches.
So i need a new rule of no sitting down until I have work out clothing set out, clothes picked out for the next day for the boys & I. And lunches, snacks and lunches prepackaged and ready to go or be made. If I did all that I could even sleep in an extra 15-30 mins int he morning and still get everything done. DH schedule is about to change again so he will be working a 4/10 swing shift and not be home for dinner until March after vacation when his schedule changes again. So I need to be able to have meals I can make w/o DH BBQ for me. So I will be just letting my new Foreman grill live on our kitchen counter. Cause last time DH worked this shift I ate out EVERY NIGHT! I must plan so I can stay on track.
So tomorrow and possibly the next day I will taken inventory, plan, write, shop and prep. I will be sticking to a 1200-1500 calorie a day. 1500 calories on my work out days and 1200 on non work out days. I will write more tomorrow I am going to make spread sheets and motivational sheets and plaster my house w/ them from bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I will post copies or links if I can figure out google docs.
I know that if I got up at 6:30 AM worked out and showered before my boys got up I would feel so much better about my whole day. My mood would improved and I would be more motivated to eat right the rest of the day. All that is worth so much more than that extra hour of sleep. I put my alarm clock across the room to hopefully help wake me up in the morning and that didn't work. It was just as easy to get up turn it off and crawl back in bed. I was telling DH that I think I a big part of my problem is my lack of self worth. I don't have the ability to force myself to do it because it is really all about me. I don't have motivation to reach the goals I want to accomplish. In MK they would say I need a bigger "why" a bigger reason that I can turn to to keep me going but honestly is there any bigger reason that to be healthy and live longer? Not really. And yet I still struggle w/ the emotional attachment I have to food. I need to find the strength to turn it down and deal w/ the fear of failure. The fear of gaining the weight back if I lose it. Honestly that is what scares me the most. Is losing it all just to gain it back again and the thought that what if I put in all this work and effort and I see no results. Then I can't help but think of the other side of the spectrum and I know what I have inside of me. I know the competitive athlete so well and I crave the feeling of being that person again. Of the adrenaline when I can out run people, when I punch people in the arm and they say owe, lol! I need to learn to compete w/ myself. I need to treat my diet as a competition to see what my best is. I know my best is staying on plan and working out and I haven't done that in *GULP* 11 years. I mean I've worked out and I've dieted but not together as a system since 2002. When I did LA Weight Loss my only source of exercise was walking around the mall on Wed morning. So I don't count that & the time before that I lost weight my Mom was making my meals and counting my calories for me & my Dad was my personal trainer making me work out even when I really didn't want to. I mean I would get PISSED when he would make me sometimes but it was good cause I wouldn't have done it on my own. I started gaining the weight back when I started a new job and then w/ LA weight loss I started gaining back after the holidays, I maintained for 6 months. That tells me that I did learn how to eat correctly and not give into emotion when I was on that plan. It means I can do it again.
I want to start tomorrow but I am not prepared enough to start tomorrow and I feel like it is such a lame non-excuse and that I am saying it ALL the time. But I can't diet w/o the tools and we are out of healthy food in this house because it is time to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I have 2 apts one at the chiropractor and another at the dentist. but I want to take an inventory of our food and make a meal plan & shopping list. Being prepared makes the difference between making the wrong or right food choices. If you can make the right food choice also the easy choice it is amazing. I remember that is how I used to do it w/ LA weight loss. I had everything portioned out for my snacks and lunches.
So i need a new rule of no sitting down until I have work out clothing set out, clothes picked out for the next day for the boys & I. And lunches, snacks and lunches prepackaged and ready to go or be made. If I did all that I could even sleep in an extra 15-30 mins int he morning and still get everything done. DH schedule is about to change again so he will be working a 4/10 swing shift and not be home for dinner until March after vacation when his schedule changes again. So I need to be able to have meals I can make w/o DH BBQ for me. So I will be just letting my new Foreman grill live on our kitchen counter. Cause last time DH worked this shift I ate out EVERY NIGHT! I must plan so I can stay on track.
So tomorrow and possibly the next day I will taken inventory, plan, write, shop and prep. I will be sticking to a 1200-1500 calorie a day. 1500 calories on my work out days and 1200 on non work out days. I will write more tomorrow I am going to make spread sheets and motivational sheets and plaster my house w/ them from bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. I will post copies or links if I can figure out google docs.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
No 10 day reward for me
Well this weekend was a complete bust. I blew it and blew it big. I wasn't prepared to a temptation like vacation. We went on our trip to Great Wolf Lodge for only one night & I consumed burgers, fries, candy and even more junk. I weighed myself on Saturday morning to find myself at 179.8. Granted I over ate a little on Friday but that is only a 2.4 lb loss for almost a week of striving after not trying & binging. Normally I can get rid of that in one day by drinking water. So to me it looks like not a loss at all cause it could be just water weight and after almost a week, really??? Now I can't outright blame the cleanse. The cleanse which I didn't complete, I was suppose to drink the fiber drink this morning and I didn't, was making me feel better. And I wasn't tracking calories I just thought I was doing good by eating what I knew was good food but I was probably sticking to 1500 calories a day ish. So I blew my 10 days and now no 10 day reward. So do I pick the cleanse back up and complete it after all the crap I ate this weekend or do I look for something else? I know I need to eat 1300-1500 calories a day and burn 2300-2500 a day for my goal of 2 lbs loss a week.
This weekend my lungs were burning and my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. Why you ask because I was going up stairs to go on water slides. My legs are sore, I have never been so out of shape in my life. I've always been at least a little fit when I was younger. I couldn't run to save my life at this point. I have got to get in shape. My BFF wants to sign up for like 3-5 more 5K's this year. I remember how motivated I was to get in shape after the Warrior Dash and I still desire to be in shape yet don't put forth the effort. I set up an alarm across the room so I would have to get out of bed to turn in off in hopes that would help me get up earlier and it doesn't. I have researched and blogged about how discipline is a learned skill. I need to earn this skill! I have my drivers license photo coming up in March and a trip to Disneyland in March. All only 7 weeks away and I'll need to renew my license before our trip so there is no way I can lose like I want to to make a difference on my photo. But hopefully I can lose enough to help w/ the walking I'll be doing at Disneyland. I told DH I am feeling like I can't do anything and of course that means I am preparing to fail w/ talk like that. Well I don't know what I am going to do just yet, just frustrated and sad that I willingly accepted failure again.
This weekend my lungs were burning and my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. Why you ask because I was going up stairs to go on water slides. My legs are sore, I have never been so out of shape in my life. I've always been at least a little fit when I was younger. I couldn't run to save my life at this point. I have got to get in shape. My BFF wants to sign up for like 3-5 more 5K's this year. I remember how motivated I was to get in shape after the Warrior Dash and I still desire to be in shape yet don't put forth the effort. I set up an alarm across the room so I would have to get out of bed to turn in off in hopes that would help me get up earlier and it doesn't. I have researched and blogged about how discipline is a learned skill. I need to earn this skill! I have my drivers license photo coming up in March and a trip to Disneyland in March. All only 7 weeks away and I'll need to renew my license before our trip so there is no way I can lose like I want to to make a difference on my photo. But hopefully I can lose enough to help w/ the walking I'll be doing at Disneyland. I told DH I am feeling like I can't do anything and of course that means I am preparing to fail w/ talk like that. Well I don't know what I am going to do just yet, just frustrated and sad that I willingly accepted failure again.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
"I can do ALL things through Christ"
Day four and still going good. I joined a 12 week program w/ a health coach from Take Shape for Life, they promote medifast products but I am not using it. The 12 week program is free and it just offers support from a one on one health coach. This will give me some extra you can do it and don't give up from someone else besides my family. Even though my family is super supportive of my health goal & weight loss. But it is
Monday, January 6, 2014
Keep going it'll be worth it.
Day 2: So far so good. I need to sit down and track my calories I've been eating what I used to eat like I was on LA weight loss & Weight Watchers so I know I must be w/in my calories for the day but I need to put it down on paper. Tomorrow I drink my Fiber drink for the third day and then I get 4 days off from drinking it. I gag at least once every time I drink it. I am still rewardless for day 10. I have yet to come up with a good one and it needs to be a REALLY good one. We are heading to Great Wolf lodge this weekend so it'll be full of fried foods, pizza, candy, ice cream and I need to not eat ANY of it. So it's got to be something I really want that I wouldn't normally spend for my self. I love my 20 & 30 day rewards a new sports bra from Nordstroms and new running shoes. I want it to be health or fitness related. I've thought about joining a gym again but I feel guilty for thinking that when I haven't been using my treadmill as it is.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
A Year from now you'll be glad you started today.
I made a 30 day paper chain w/ inspirational sayings, Bible verses or quotes on each one. So for the next 30 days my title will be what the paper link says. We missed church this morning but I did get up drink my Fiber Drink & do my Devotions and ate a breakfast that was in my plan. I tried to put on my body media band but it wouldn't make it's connecting sound. So I plugged it back into the computer and it was flashing orange so not fully charged. So I plugged it back in and will hopefully get it to work tomorrow.
This mornings weigh in was 182.2. It's 2.2 lbs from my husbands goal weight. My DH is 5' 10'' and he currently weights 200 lbs. only 18.8 lbs more than I do. NOT even 20 lb difference. I am trying to use it to motivate me not to beat myself up over it. I started typing this morning and now I am starving waiting for dinner time. DH works until 6PM and his commute home is about 45 mins. So I've been pretty successful today feeling drained and frustrated but I need to keep moving forward. I feel out of sorts. My Christmas decorations are still up and need to come down. The aftermath of Christmas hasn't been cleaned up yet. I have presents still not put away and I started trying to reorganize my kitchen and I just would like things to be all organized and ready to go. I've used this as excuses before. I have so much I didn't get done during my 3 day weekend. I moved my alarm clock across the room to make me have to get out of bed to turn it off. This way I can hopefully get up in time to get my breakfast made, lunch packed etc....
This mornings weigh in was 182.2. It's 2.2 lbs from my husbands goal weight. My DH is 5' 10'' and he currently weights 200 lbs. only 18.8 lbs more than I do. NOT even 20 lb difference. I am trying to use it to motivate me not to beat myself up over it. I started typing this morning and now I am starving waiting for dinner time. DH works until 6PM and his commute home is about 45 mins. So I've been pretty successful today feeling drained and frustrated but I need to keep moving forward. I feel out of sorts. My Christmas decorations are still up and need to come down. The aftermath of Christmas hasn't been cleaned up yet. I have presents still not put away and I started trying to reorganize my kitchen and I just would like things to be all organized and ready to go. I've used this as excuses before. I have so much I didn't get done during my 3 day weekend. I moved my alarm clock across the room to make me have to get out of bed to turn it off. This way I can hopefully get up in time to get my breakfast made, lunch packed etc....
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Competitive....
I have always been extremely competitive. Now it hides under the surface because my feeling of being inadequate keeps it at bay. Today my Brother & SIL stopped by and announced that they've decided to do the STP. I think I told you that my BFF was making me do it w/ her. Well that has since changed because they decided not to do it. So I figured I'm off the hook I'll let DH & his friend do it in one day. Anyways, so today when the announced what they were doing I felt that competitive tug. I thought to my self I can't let them do it and not do it. I felt motivation to start dieting & working out. However I don't really have a desire to ride the STP at this point. I much rather run the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon & the Warrior Dash. We are already registered for the Warrior Dash too. Registration for the Disneyland 1/2 Marathon is this month but we still don't have a room and I was only going to register if we got a room. I miss being competitive and the rush that comes with it. It makes me want to lose my weight and try to hide it and not tell anyone. Makes me think I can do this on my own. God will be my partner & DH is very supportive. I have enough food in the house to start my diet tomorrow. Not just the diet I do think I need to force my self to complete the cleanse. I am nervous but it is time for me to take action. Wish me luck.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
"Stop picking on my wife"
I told DH I am broken and I don't know how to fix it. I told him how for the last 6 years I wake up every morning and think I need to lose weight, remind myself how un healthy I am & how large I am, then I obsess over food and think about it all day long. DH doesn't like it when I talk about my weight. A look of sadness came over his face as I talked and it made me sad. He wishes he could fix me and reminds me that I am the only one who can. I feel God reminding me that I can rely on him. I have allot of friends right now going through somethings I couldn't imagine having to go through and then I feel guilty that I sit here so miserable about something I have control over. As DH went to bed tonight he kissed me and said "Stop picking on my wife." It made me think of what I do to my self inside my head everyday.
I am so incredibly blessed and the fact that I live in a state of constant negativity is not ok. It is truly the root of all my problems. Of all my depression, anxiety, worry, my lack of action and so much crap. I've had negative thinking about my body since before I knew my DH. I am sure I've told you guys this before but I played w/ anorexia in High School. And it wasn't until I lost weight that I started getting attention from boys. I wasn't the smartest, pretties or thinest of my closest friends in school. Don't get me wrong I loved High School would do it all again. But I think I can trace my negative thinking to have started there. I used to think it started after that because I was still my out going crazy self in high school but it is where I allowed the seeds of negativity to be planted. It was due to all the comparison. They say that "Comparison is the thief of joy". Now I can say I know the root of my problem. Which I have wondered for years. I have trained my brain to be this way and I need to un-train it.
I am now to the point in my weight that I don't know that I compare myself anymore as much as I am so much more focused on the health aspect of how I am feeling. I can't stand at work for very long because I start to sweat because I am standing. WHAT THE HECK!?!?! I used to be an athletic person and I miss that so much. The fact that I am to the point where walking to and from my car has me winded and I can't stand for long periods of time kind of scares me.
I am so incredibly blessed and the fact that I live in a state of constant negativity is not ok. It is truly the root of all my problems. Of all my depression, anxiety, worry, my lack of action and so much crap. I've had negative thinking about my body since before I knew my DH. I am sure I've told you guys this before but I played w/ anorexia in High School. And it wasn't until I lost weight that I started getting attention from boys. I wasn't the smartest, pretties or thinest of my closest friends in school. Don't get me wrong I loved High School would do it all again. But I think I can trace my negative thinking to have started there. I used to think it started after that because I was still my out going crazy self in high school but it is where I allowed the seeds of negativity to be planted. It was due to all the comparison. They say that "Comparison is the thief of joy". Now I can say I know the root of my problem. Which I have wondered for years. I have trained my brain to be this way and I need to un-train it.
I am now to the point in my weight that I don't know that I compare myself anymore as much as I am so much more focused on the health aspect of how I am feeling. I can't stand at work for very long because I start to sweat because I am standing. WHAT THE HECK!?!?! I used to be an athletic person and I miss that so much. The fact that I am to the point where walking to and from my car has me winded and I can't stand for long periods of time kind of scares me.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Well here it is the 1st of January and I still haven't started. This morning I got up to start my cleanse and just can't make myself do it. I don't know what is wrong w/ me. I then start looking at other plans again. Like thinking about LA weight loss at home or do the medifast thing. The thing that bothers me about medifast it how much they talk about losing the weight first then becoming active. It has to be because you only eat about 800 calories a day. But LA weight loss at home comes w/ vitamins and stuff I get from Advocare and I trust Advocare's vitamins. The last week my mood has be pretty bad. I am just so frustrated with not starting. Why is this so hard for me this time around. I mean I normally can always start for about a week but now I can't even get off the starting blocks. Then I think why can't I just use what I have at home. So far today my calories haven't been that bad but I don't feel like I am starting anything because I am not doing a cleanse of any kind. LA weight loss is just a 2 day no carbs thing except for the fruit juice. I feel like a cleanse would help me get a bunch of the crap out of my system but I am so inttimidated by it. The stuff taste terrible and I have gut issues on a normal day and that causes massive emptying and it says on the box to discontinue if it causes diarrhea and (TMI ahead) it isn't watery but it is so lose from the cleanse I would consider it to be diarrhea.
WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?! I go back and forth between just man up and do something. To I am hopeless and can't do this on my own. I feel like crying all the time, every time I think about what I am going to do. When I get this overwhelmed DH just wants to fix it and tells me to start by just not eating fast food and exercising. So I think OK I need a trainer but then we need a gym etc... I am so frustrated!!!
WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?! I go back and forth between just man up and do something. To I am hopeless and can't do this on my own. I feel like crying all the time, every time I think about what I am going to do. When I get this overwhelmed DH just wants to fix it and tells me to start by just not eating fast food and exercising. So I think OK I need a trainer but then we need a gym etc... I am so frustrated!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)