The Christmas Crash

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!!

We had a great Christmas and I am now running into the the great Christmas crash. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love EVERYTHING about it and gift giving is my love language so it is just the best!  But every year shortly after Christmas I come down from the high of Christmas and realize the impending New Year is just around the corner. The New Year brings about reflection of the last year and while there were some great highs this year, we moved in to our new house and our kids school is going great. But then my reflection always go to what didn't happen or what I haven't accomplished.  

Last New year I deem 2016 the year of health and I am honestly in the same place I was last Christmas. Except last Christmas I could still reflect that I had completed a Half Marathon in 2015 I had some great physical feats that year. Now going into 2017 I have done not much of anything. I've have some great new tools in my hands that I have not been using and my weight sits around 180 now a days.  I am easily winded and find myself sore after a day of cleaning. So reflecting on where I am on physically makes the Christmas crash hit pretty hard. 

Trying to focus on what changes need to be made next year causes me stress and makes me a little depressed. I had gotten to the point where I was completely anti New Years resolutions and would refuse to start a diet anywhere near Jan 1st because it was certainly doomed.  My brain would tell me but everyone who has had a successful New years resolutions say they work. It is only because I condemn it before I even start, And that is setting it up for certain failure. This Year I am hosting my first challenge group. While I don't have any participants yet I am going to try to treat my Facebook Focussing on my feet page as the group for practice while hubby and I work out and I think my Mom is going to join us too!  

I am super excited about Beachbody's new All access On Demand group and I will be upgrading myself to that in the next couple days.  I also think I am going to get a sample back of shakeology so hubby can pick his favorite cause he isn't a big fan of the chocolate. :-)  So while I ma feeling the Christmas crash I am also feeling like change is possible.  I am trying to let go of the fact that my husband will have weight loss and fitness success faster than I will and there is no way around it and Like I've said before for years I have not wanted him to diet with me for this very reason.  I would get so frustrated as I watched him succeed and I fail, or the fact that I wasn't having as fast or much success he was, that I would just shut down and quit.  I have accepted that this needs to happen in order to have a healthy husband. High Blood pressure and heart problems runs in his family and I don't want that future for my husband.  I have High BP and Type 2 diabietes and I don't want that for our future either.  So time to put all other things aside and realize health can no longer be a wish, hope or dream.  It needs action!

My first challenge group.....

A few months back I told you about becoming a beach body coach.  I've felt foolish for signing up as I sit and not focus on my health.  All along my plan was to get some results to post personal before and afters to use to show everyone how amazing this program is.  I know this is the perfect program for me and in the time I did it for a week I had success and was personal trainer sore. I enjoyed my work outs and found myself enjoying how shakology made me feel. I lost 5 lbs that week too. Only to have my eye herpies come back and to not be able to work out.  With Beachbody new health bet that will have unto 3 Million dollars in it and I wanted to make sure I had a challenge group for this but I have no results to share yet.

After allot of thought I decided to go ahead and I am starting my first challenge group anyways.  I don't want anyone to miss out because I was to frustrated with myself for not sticking to it yet.  Having the group will help me stick to my guns especially if I am leading the group.  When I was running and blogging regularly I really enjoyed people being motivated by what I said and what I wrote.  Helping people feel like they could start their fitness journey because of me is what made me consider becoming a personal trainer.   It was also why medifast was appealing but I never agreed with their diet program or the way they acted toward activity.  Then Beachbody showed up in my life.  I watch friends succeed and thrive on these programs and then happened across the container diet plan that looked so much like my beloved LA Weight Loss.  As I dug deeper to discover what this container diet entailed I found it was connected to the very same Beachbody programs my friends and now fellow coaches have been promoting. Both skeptical and cautions I reached out to the friend that reached out to me first about beach body and said ok I want to order the 21 Day fix.

Again I've only done one week of the 21 day fix and it was amazing and it makes me excited to see the results of the full 21 days.  DH will be doing Core De Force and following the same meal plan I am but he gets to eat a little more because one he is a guy and two his work outs are different than mine. I am so glad that he is going to be doing this with me. And I am done with the fear of him succeeding faster than I will. It is going to happen he is a Man.  I know this program is going to work for both of us and I am, dare I say, excited to see the changes in both of us.

1+1= Accountability

I have officially started the piles of clothing, i.e. the pre packing for our trip to Disneyland.  This is when we all have to go through our clothes and see if our Disney shirts and shorts still fit. Plus we are also participating in Dapper Day so that means some dress up clothing too.  Hubby came down in his Dapper Day outfit and was said "I have to lose weight babe"  I told him after vacation and his response was "Yes and I am NOT kidding"  I've been planning on starting the 21 Day fix again the Monday after vacation.  I told hubby about the newest Beach Body program that just came out called Core de force.  It is a MMA and kick boxing inspired work out and it is only 30 mins a day and it comes with a meal plan that uses the same containers I use for the 21 day fix. I still have lots of extra shakology and we could do this together. He said ok, order it.  I was a little in shock that he agreed. But we no longer belong to the gym and it is winter so his rides will be getting further and further apart.  I have always had amazing support from hubby. He has always said he will eat what ever I need to eat but this time we will literally be on the same meal plan. He will just get more of certain containers than I will. We can make sure each other does our work outs every day.  I am really hoping that working together will keep us going.  I've always been terrified of hubby dieting and working out with me because I was jealous that he would lose weight faster than I will. But you know I am at the point right now where we just both need to get healthy and hopefully the days he wants to slack off will be the days I am strong and when I want to skip a work out he will push me. If he is doing his work outs you better believe I won't want to miss mine and fall behind.

I know as a man hubby will have must faster success than me and I need to be ok with that. If this is what it takes to keep me accountable and keep me going it is worth it.  I'll get there if I keep with it.  The meal planning is what has caused me so many problems in the past.  I am looking forward to getting started again and will have two days to meal plan and prep from when we get home from vacation and when we plan to start. I am excited to have my partner in life, my other half, my best friend joining in this journey with me.  I am already confident that if I stick to the 21 Day fix this program will be the one that works for me and now with hubby doing it with me I am feeling even more confident in my ability to stick with it this time.

Almost vacation time!

Vacation is less than 2 weeks away and I can not wait to get back to my home away from home: Disneyland!!

Every time vacation is approaching I make plans about how much weight I can and want to lose before we go. I imagine how great I am going to look in pictures and when the time comes I haven't lost the weight.  And it then makes me very self conscious about my appearance in pics and videos.  I am SO looking forward to this trip and I am not going to let any lack of weight loss get in my way! In 2015 I was at Disneyland 3 times. May for the Tinker Bell Half, August just hubby and I for our Anniversary trip and then Oct for our BIG family trip with my little brother.  While each of these trips were great Aug and Oct involved temps over 100 most of the days.  It made for cranky kids and being over heated made me nauseated. And May was all focused on my the half Marathon and recovering from it and it was a short over the weekend trip.  This trip we have our FULL 5 nights in a big two bedroom villa and they are predicting our temps to be in the upper 70's to mid 80's! We won't be back to Disneyland for almost two years because next year we are planing to make our first ever trip to Disney World.  My Mom is then going to try to surprise my Dad with a trip to Hawaii for their 40th Anniversary and Hubby is like lets just take the kids with us and go with them.  Then late 2018 Star Wars land opens at Disneyland and we have to go back to see it.  While talking to Hubby I realized we are talking about the next 4 years of BIG vacations we have planned. I started thinking maybe we need a 4 year life plan.....

Let me tell you a little something about myself you may not know.  I HATE planning for things that take like longer than 6 months to complete.  Anything that is outside of that window frustrates me and makes me angry.  Like paying off debt or losing weight.  While I've realized that both these things are healthier over a longer period of time. I want the instant gratification and get frustrated so quickly when that doesn't happen. I know my year of health for 2016 may seem like a bust but the year isn't over yet.  I have plans for when I return from vacation and I am hoping vacation will give me the rest and energy to keep moving forward. So I am going to go love every second of my vacation and come back with a fresh mind and ready for some BIG picture LONG term changes and goals.  Are you ready?????

Have you ever????

5:45AM the alarm goes off you're tired, not enough sleep last night (as usual) and the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed.  I hit the snooze button knowing I had no plans this evening and I could work out later.  Then you have this time between when your first alarm has gone off and the second wakes you.  I don't care how far apart these alarms are, 10 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins, in this time frame is when your body goes into the deepest possible sleep you could ever experience.  You're second alarm awakes you from your coma and you feel way more tired than you did with your first alarm went off. But now I have to get up to get my kids out of bed, fed and ready to go to school and counting my minutes until I leave.  The more I think about my normal morning routine the more my hopes for eating healthy start to wain.  As my minutes tick away the idea of caffeine and sugar sounds better and better.  I tell myself I can still work out later and it won't hurt to wait on my diet one more day.  Then I over eat and magically something comes up at that evening to keep me from working out and I think, ok tomorrow for sure.  Have you ever done this? Have you ever written off a whole day moving towards health the second your alarm goes off?  

Why do we do this, I know I am guilty of doing this many mornings.  I heard someone once say just get up and go pee.  That the second her alarm goes off the internal temper tantrum begins and she tells her self just get up and go pee.  Once she is going pee she tells her self ok now just put on your work out clothes on you can still go back to bed. Then she says it is very seldom that she will reach the point of being dressed in her work out clothes and she will still opt for that extra half hour of sleep.  It made me think of my whole focusing on my feet theory and how we need to just take one step at a time on our journey.  Step one just go pee.... 

Nervous and Excited feels the same..

My oldest son is famous for being so excited about something new then when the time comes to actually do it he cause to scared too.  When this happens we tell him all the time: "Nervous and excited feels the same"  Today I didn't get my shopping or meal planning or prep done but I don't want that to be an excuse to not start tomorrow.  I have 35 days until our vacation and my oringial goal was to hit 169 by then this morning I was 180.0.  That is 6.1 lbs lighter than when I was starting. I still have the potential to lose 11 lbs in 35 days following the 21 day fix.  I also want to be successful so I can start sharing this program with people. I think that there are so many programs that can work for so many people through Beachbody.  But results speaks volumes!

Lets talk Shakeology.....

I touched on most of this on my last blog post but I am going to go over it again.  I am the first person that would make a yucky face when someone says protein shake.  I have tried many kinds and brands and I just can't stomach them.   Shakeology is the best tasting one I've ever tried and it did make me nauseated the first time I had it, and the 2nd and the 3rd.  I checked with my coach who told me to try only 3/4 scoop instead of a full scoop and like magic no nausea!  So I drank it every day for 7 days. Then in my normal fashion I stopped everything. Half way through the next week I was sick and actually craving shakeology. O_O    And that is when I realized there must be something to this shakeology thing.  

I plan to document my journey with pictures and maybe even videos.  Fingers crossed, planning on starting tomorrow even with out my meal plan or grocery shopping. I can make this happen!

Pissed off just enough...

Another two weeks has come and gone and I am no closer to health than I was last week.  21 Day Fix take two has not taken place yet. A combination of hectic mornings and just I don't wanna attitude, push my health out yet another two weeks.  The first of the two weeks, I instantly feel down and start stuffing my face. Last weekend I was so frustrated and had typed up a whole other blog post that wasn't pretty. It was basically a bit of a temper tantrum mixed with a pity party. Shall we call it a Tantrum Party.  This second week I started reflecting on the week I did the 21 day fix and how I was enjoying the work outs and how I had gotten to the point that Shakology wasn't making me feel nauseated anymore.  Then the strangest part of it all. I was kind of craving the Shakology.  Don't get my wrong, it is still a low glycemic protein shake but it felt like my body was missing it.  I tried to drink it again one day and got all nauseated again and then started to get a little pissed off. Realizing that I have every tool I need to succeed and I am basically refusing.  I thought about how I get frustrated with my Dad who has type 2 Diabetes when I see him eating to much sugar.  I thought about how frustrated I get when my MIL says "I have bad knees, I can't work out".   One of our friends just lost his Dad a few weeks ago and I said to Hubby; We're not old enough for our friends to be losing their parents yet, are we?  We then discussed how important it is to get healthy and not just us but our whole families.  I reached that point of pissed off where you just start making decisions, You know the "Well then I am going to do THIS!" drastic type of decisions. I realized I really do have all the tools I need with this new program.  I know that the 21 day fix is going to work for me because it is real food, portion control and amazing work out programs that make me feel like I am with my trainer or like I am at a dance party(more on the dance party later)  I called up my friend who is my "beach body coach" and said ok I'm going to sign up as a coach too.  I want to get a discount on my shakology and maybe if I am successful my family will want to give this a try too.

Yep you read that correctly, I am now a beach body coach and I immediately had that oh crap why did I do that feeling.  I have entrepreneur in my blood, I love the idea of being my own boss the most because it provides freedom and flexibility for my family. It is why I joined Mary Kay 3 times. I love Mary Kay the woman, the company and the products and will always use them and am still a personal use consultant. But I have no passion for that as a business anymore. I've tried to restart the Pink Fire by plugging in but it is just not there anymore.  Beach Body uses all the same lingo and rewards like Mary Kay But I can't help but feel skeptical looking at anything else as a business. I believed in Mary Kay so much.  But while belief in something is great but passion in something is how you move mountains.  I go back and forth between you idiot you are still overweight and out of shape why on earth did you sign up, to well you know what maybe this is what I need to stay on track and get healthy and if it is, it's worth it.

21 Day fix take two, round one....ACTION!!

If you haven't figured it out by my lack of posting something came up.  It always seems that something comes up when I start a diet.  As I stated in my last post I had a sick kiddo on Sunday night and so I missed my work out on Monday, then Tuesday my old friend my eye herpes started coming back.  I was hoping I could avoid it with drops but it just kept on getting worse until I couldn't look at my phone let alone a computer screen or the TV.  Of course I picked up extra hours this last week and so I took tons of pain meds to get through work on and finally went to the Dr on Thursday and they verified it was back, and my eye ball was swollen up so we had to dilate it again which made everything that involved light for the next couple days impossible.

Needless to say my plan to get right back on track on Tuesday was delayed then delayed further and further until I am officially out of the running of my share of the 1.5 million.  But I believe in this program so much that even with out the 1.5 million dollar diet bet I am going to continue my journey.  Tomorrow is will be 21 Day fix, day one, Round one (Take 2).  I can still complete 2 full rounds before our vacation and that is super exciting! Be ready for more frequent post again I plan to post every day of the 21 Day fix. :-) Be talking to you soon!

A sick little one and NO sleep..

21 Day Challenge, Round 1, Day 8

I was up until after 3 AM with a sick kiddo last night, then he woke up again at 5 AM. By the time my alarm went off at 6:00 I got around 2.5- 3 hrs of sleep total. He was so miserable he missed a day of school already.  So I ended up staying at home and not feeling that well myself. I am not sure if I also have the nasty cold he has. But I've been whooped. Today was not a diet or exercise day again.  Tomorrow I need to get back on with it. I am setting up some motivation around my bedroom and bathroom and I'll share pics hopefully tomorrow.  I just wanted to stop in and say while I didn't exercise or really diet today I did take a larger step toward my commitment to this program.  I'll explain this later.... ;-)

It was just one of those days....

21 Day fix, Round 1, Day 7

Again in with the goal of being completely transparent through the whole 21 day fix process. here is some more honestly for today.

After my disaster of a dinner last night the craziness continued. This morning we woke up late and went running out the door to go to church. No time for breakfast for anyone let alone making myself a shakeology. We then went out to lunch after church, and while I didn't eat bad choices I am pretty sure I ate too much.  Today was the Seahawks first official game of the season and that just screams eat junk food.  While I didn't got the wings and mini taco route that is our normal game fare, I did make some chocolate covered strawberries and yes I ate them.  Then out of no where I am exhausted, stuffy and sneezy. Not sure if it was allergies out of the blue but it could be a cold. You'll see why later.  I fell asleep sitting up during half time of the Seahawk game.  I woke up at the beginning of the 4th quarter and felt a little better, I told Hubby while dinner is cooking I wanted to try to do my work out.  I just get dinner in the oven and my youngest starts screaming and crying from the back yard.  He broke a glass jar out there last weekend and we apparently missed a piece of glass while cleaning it up.  He stepped on it and it was stuck in one foot and in attempts to get it out he rubbed the bottom of that foot on the top of his other foot and cut the crap out of the top of that foot.  Keeping in mind he was barefoot outside on our patio not only was there just cuts but there was gravel/dirt in his cuts. Blood was everywhere! Poor kid had never seen so much blood and he kept asking if he was going to live. We had to make sure the glass wasn't still in the cuts, needless to say that is a very painful thing to do to anyone. Especially to a 6 year old that is certain this amount of blood is almost all he has in his little body. An hour later we finally get the last piece of gravel out of the cut and felt confident that there was no glass left in it.  Dinner had been done for about 45 mins and was getting cold. We sat ate and then it was time to put kids to bed. Finally got the kids in bed and then my youngest who as already had quite the night woke up with a miserable cold. So you know what I did?  I ate ice-cream and never worked out.  It was just one of those days.

Now I am up super late because I am trying to help my little boy who refuses to take any medicine, sleep with massive amounts of snot running down his throat.  I am trying to think positive about tomorrow but I am to tired to think right now. Talk to you all tomorrow.

Stupid scale....

I had toyed with the thought of not weighing myself at all until the end of the 21 Day fix and just see what the final results were. I know the scale can vary and it always seems to be heavier on a weigh in day.  Well yesterday morning at 6AM I stepped on the scale and was shocked to see myself down 3 lbs since Monday.  I felt really good all day but then this morning thinking that because I can weigh myself later in the morning, since it is Saturday, I will weigh less. BIG FAT NOPE!! I was heavier today than yesterday.  UGH!!! The reason I was thinking about the scale is this small fluctuation of less than a pound throws me into a downward spiral, causing massive binging on junk food and

It is funny that my first instinct was to eat something but instead I put on my work out clothes did my Dirty 30 work out the morning then took Loki for a walk.  While my natural reaction was quit and eat it didn't take hold like it normally does.  I thought do you work out and you probably just need to drink more water today.

Tonight however all hell broke lose on my diet and I feel just awful about the whole thing.  We were invited to do a local wine walk and dinner afterwards with some friends of ours.  I told hubby I don't know if we can because what would I eat at the restaurant. We hoped for the best and went out with our friends. I don't drink so not having the wine was no problem. Our friends made reservations at a local place for dinner and I kid you not when I say there was NOTHING on the list that was diet friendly. Granted I could have ordered a side salad but at this point I wasn't just hungry I was HANGRY!  They had fried food, burgers, pasta and 18 oz Ribeye steaks.  I looked over the menu 3 times and finally decided the burger will have just to do tonight.  It was a very good burger and I didn't eat it all and I didn't eat all my fries. It was a great night spent with friends but I feel like it I failed.  The difference will be this time if I can keep going.  Not let this derail me completely and keep going and start fresh tomorrow.

5:45 AM

My youngest woke up at around 5:30 from a bad dream. At this point hubby is already almost out the door to work and the boys and I have to be up by 6:30 to have time to wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed and out the door.  I think I can have another whole hour if DS2 will just go back to sleep at 5:45 it was very apparent that he would not be going back to sleep. So as I am laying bed and DS2 is watching cartoons on my iPad I say out loud. I really should just get up and do my work out for the day and get it done.  To which my youngest jumps out of my bed and yell "YES MOMMY! Lets go! I'll watch you!" as he runs into the TV room where I do my work outs. *sigh*  this kid I tell ya.

I don't know if it was just to early or what but I was not feeling my Cardio fix this morning.  Lets just touch on the fact that I can not do a burpee. I tried to do the modified burpees and I really only got like 3 1/2 done in the 60 second reps. As of right now I can not even do one burpee.

I want this and I don't want to do that!!!!

21 Day Fix Day, Round 1, Day 4- Active recovery day. Pilates....

A couple other things happened today. I may have sent a text to my husband that had a bunch of junk food emoji's and the the sad crying face.  I may have told him I was in mourning for my junk food.  So keep this in mind when I tell you at Target I had talked myself into a bag of kit kat bites.  Knowing that 3 times a week we can swap one of our carb containers for a treat I thought even though kit kats are not really on the list and they may be a little high on the calorie side. I am just going to use my treat for these.  I was putting my stuff down on the counter to check out and with a big sigh and a small stomp of my foot, I put them back. You could say that is a victory but the thought of not eating them still makes me cranky. LOL!

The second thing that happened today was the fact that I am just spent, my kids started school yesterday, new school and Kindergarten for my youngest and he isn't super excited about the whole thing.  Anyways so my youngest has been watching me do my work outs and he has been asking questions like why do you do exercise? I tell him because Mommy is trying to get healthy.  Tonight I really didn't want to work out. I kept stalling and stalling, My kitchen was a mess and I spent all night cleaning it, yes it was really that bad. By the time that was done it was the kids bed time and all that goes along with that. So I told Hubby I am not going to get my work out done today.  DS2 said but why Mommy I said because it is late. His response was that means you don't want to get healthy and trotted his little cute butt upstairs. Yes there was more kicking my feet and another mini temper tantrum and my hubby laughed and I whined all the way up stairs to do my work out.  Again a victory maybe but I am still to cranky about it all to be excited about these victories.

I had to take lots of breaks during the Pilates DVD and I was shaking and every muscle was burning. The last couple days have been full of using muscles I didn't know could be isolated during a work out.

Tomorrow is back to work and the first day I have to go to work after my dropping my kids off at their new school. Up so early and so much to do in the morning. Need to meal prep this weekend! 

I don't think I can walk tomorrow.....

21 Day Fix, round 1, Day 3.....

So far I've been sticking to my meal plan and I have worked out everyday.  Today was the lower body fix and my legs were still sore and it hurt to bike, from the first work out on Monday.  This work out was insane.  I have been doing all the modifications aka easier stuff during these work, and lets take it even another step into the honestly. I have not just been doing the modifications I didn't use weights with the work out today at all. Even the lady doing the modified work out is using light weights and I am not even doing that!! Yet, I am just as sore as when I have a personal trainer pushing me.  I know I said that in my last post but I can't quite get over it.  I am in shock at how sore I am.  I keep asking hubby: "Why did we buy a house with stairs!?!?!"

Coming up next is what they are calling an active recovery day.  It is Pilates and I don't know how that can be considered a recovery day. I'll let you know if it feels like a recovery tomorrow.

1.5 Million Dollars......

Day 1 of Round 1 of the 21 Day Fix.  I have had this for 4 months, I tried it for one day and said screw it.  Thought it's to restrictive, I can eat more on WW. In the past I fall off the WW wagon because of how I use my weekly points. I basically would have a free day every week and have  heard time getting back onto track after that.  My friend who is a Beach Body Coach and the one I ordered from told me that Beach Body was funding a diet bet and I could participate.  The last I heard the pot was at 1.5 Million and I figured that even if I get $20 bucks that would be cool.   After hearing about all the success my friends have been having with the 21 Day Fix lately that I need to give this a real try.  So I ordered some bento boxes from Amazon to pack my lunches each week. Today was Labor Day so we were home all day and I never got my lunches packed for this week hopefully tomorrow after work I can get them packed.

Here is what you need to know about the 21 Day fix.  Thee is no counting points or calories. They have a calculation that tells you how many of each container you get. And you can fill the container to the brim as long as the lid can still go on.  The size of these things seem really small and I was a little concerned but I was pleasantly surprised today when I found my self full and satisfied. Except for fighting this evenings munchies but that is always the hard part of dieting right?  There is also the work outs so today I got my first one in and I followed the modified version and it still kicked my butt! I felt like I do when I work out with a personal trainer but it was at home with my TV.  This is going to be an interesting journey.

Here are what my meals looked like today.

2 Scrambled eggs, strawberries & 1/2 English Muffin w/ Almond Butter

Chocolate Shakology with an Orange

Chicken Quesadilla 

Salad with chicken, apples, grapes and 21 Day fix dressing

Tomorrow I hope schedule for more food for snacks. I realize I was short because I was more concerned about having enough to eat.  I was filling my containers and really probably only needed half of a couple of them and would have had some left over for my snack tonight. Well lesson learned. Tomorrow will be easier to stay on plan but Wednesday is when the boys start school and I will have to get up super early to pull off my work outs and getting the kids off to school then to work.  I am thinking I may have to work out at night but I just don't know where the time is going to be easier to find. I know the morning there is nothing else on my plate at 5:45 AM, except sleep. Or it would have to be done after the kids are in chill mode around 7:30 at night. When I was working out with a trainer last time it was so nice to be done with my work out first thing and not have to think about it after that point.  When it is later it is kind of the thing your thinking about all day and dreading. But knowing my habit of staying up to late and lack of sleep, along with the boys having to get up so much earlier for school. I just don't know if the mornings will be an option but skipping the work outs are not.  One day down 20 more to go for this round.

Darn you Run Disney...

Today was the Disneyland Half Marathon and watching all the updates and post and I wanted to be there and be part of it so bad.  I still want the coast to coast medal and that will require at least 2 more half marathons in my future.  We are going to Disney World for the first time next Nov and we will miss the Disney Wine and Dine Half.  Not to mention we are using up all our time share points through 2018 for our WDW trip.  I want to do these runs so bad and yet I have been feeling to old.  I keep on thinking by the time I can actually do this I am going to be almost 40 and that scares the crap out of me.  I think part of the reason I feel old at 36 is because I had such young parents. My Mom and Dad got married at 17 & 20 and my mom had me when she was 20. So when my Mom was my age, I was 16.  How did I get to be 36 years old and not have accomplished the health goals that I've been trying to accomplish for 6 years?  Looking back time goes by so fast but in the midst of it the effort doesn't feel worth it.  What is one more day with out dieting? I really won't matter if I put this off a little bit longer.  But that little bit has turned into 6 years. I don't want to be blogging the same thing in another year wondering where did time go. Change is coming and needs to come to stay.

Running has been the excuse..

At work the other day someone asked me when my next run is.  A large part of me does miss running, races and getting medals. It has been officially over a year since I really ran.  Looking back it seems like the Tinker Bell Half Marathon was just a few months ago, certainly not 15 months ago.  I have not had any real activity since then. No wonder my feet ache after I am on them for to long, my body hurts after a day of cleaning the house or grocery shopping.  My first thought is I need to start running again.  Remember when I told you about the new Beach Body program I got 3 almost 4 months ago called the 21 Day Fix.  I have yet to start it but randomly I have found out several people I am surrounded by have done the 21 Day fix in the last few months, with great success. One of them in 2 rounds(42 days) of the 21 day fix lost 22 lbs and 20 inches!!!  I tell myself I really need to give this a try. Yes it is more restrictive than WW but you know what, I probably need that right now. This program requires you to work out 7 days a week with the work out DVD's the provided with the package.  7 DAYS A WEEK!?!?!  I can't even stick to the C25K lately how on earth am I going to work out 7 DAYS A WEEK?!?!?!  I think surly I must be able to skip the work outs if I do my C25K training. I am sure I must be able to count those as my work out those days.  I contacted my Beach Body Coach and found out I am very wrong.  I am welcome to do that on top of my work outs I still must do my other work outs. Well WTFrick?!?!  I don't want to work out even more!  I started searching online certain I read somewhere that you can substitute your runs for work outs. Even people training for a marathon didn't!  Well Crap!! I then tell myself well if I can't run maybe I shouldn't do this program.  Running had officially become my excuse for not using this program for the last month or so.

Well I've decided it is time to give this the full 21 days. I know so many people that have had success with this and it still has all the positive. And in perfect timing there is a new challenge diet bet group through beach body that starts on 9/5. Lots of prep work in the next couple days.

Velvet High Heels

We moved to our new house on April 1st. Now almost 5 months later and we finally emptied our storage unit. Now I have to make more room for stuff.  Our office has been the catch all room for our new house. Lots of stuff came out of the old office and all the boxes labeled office have just been piling up.  Today I started the large job of unpacking and doing a secondary purge of everything I am unpacking. I have set up a box for stuff to give away, a garbage bag then a box for the boys room and ours, for the odds and ends that don't belong in the office.  I came across the box labeled pictures and scrapbooks. The problem with unpacking scrapbooks & photo albums is: it is very distracting.  I love looking at pictures and letting it transport me back to that moment in time. One of my favorite pictures of hubby and I is from Homecoming. It was 1998 and this was the most expensive dress I'd ever purchased, up to that point. I wore it for both my homecoming and his, we went to different schools.  It was a red satin dress with velvet straps that fit me like a glove. I even was found matching Red Velvet High Heels that I wore with it. 18 years later and I still have this dress and shoes.  I've always dreamed that one day I will lose enough weight to fit back into the dress and I would make hubby take me to the Nutcracker all dressed up in my beautiful red dress. Even when we moved I packed it up carefully dreaming of the day I would get to wear this dress again.

I put away the scrap books and opened up the next box and, to my surprise, in a box labeled office, there were my red velvet high heels.   I picked them up and smiled and looked at the boxes in the room I am using to sort things(give, our room or trash). For the first time ever I thought it is really time to get rid of the shoes and the dress. Even a month ago if anyone had suggested this, them would have been fightin' words. But some things have changed.  I am a person who loves my memories so much I would almost say I live in the past a bit.  While I charish my memories just as much as ever, things change, people change and God has been shining a light on many things in my life that need to change.  It is so strange because the girl in the red dress is a big part of who I have become but I am not the girl in the red dress anymore. Lots of things have changed. Hubby and I have grown in so many ways.   I realized that even if I got to a weight where that dress fit again I don't want to wear it again.  I would want to buy something new, that makes me feel sexy and most importantly something that reflects the person I am now.  I am a God fearing wife and Mom.  I've completed a half marathon and have found more confidence in my work out clothes than dresses and skirts dressed to the 9's.  

For so long I've been affected by what people think about me or in some cases even more by what I assumed people were thinking of me.  I've reached points pretty recently where I thought I didn't care about that any more but there was still somethings I was holding on to. At Church 2 weeks ago it was a communion Sunday. For those of you who don't know details of communion here is a short explanation, It is when people eat a piece of bread and take a sip of wine or grape juice in remembrance of what Jesus has done for us.  God even warns us about taking communion with out considering what it means and why we're doing it. And if we don't do this we are taking judgment upon ourselves. Anyways, before they have people pray and partake of communion, you are given the opportunity to either not participate and or examine your heart to make sure you are in the right place to take communion. For the first time in years I had a couple things on my heart that made me feel like I couldn't take communion with out giving these things over to God.  Right then and there I let go of some really BIG things. I took communion and felt amazing. This is when allot of revelations started coming like I said God was shining light on things and releasing me from these things that I didn't think were possible. 

The Bible says in John 15:1-2 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, so that it will be even more fruitful"  The long and the short of this blog post is change happens, change is good, change makes you grow and more change is on the horizon. 

Running Gear HAUL!!!

Sports Authority is going out of business and only have a few more days open so hubby and I went to check out what they had left.  I found some great deals and wanted to share them with all of you.  Here is a pic of everything I got!!

I got two moisture wicking shirts one Adidas & one Nike

                               

A handle massager, It is nice and small but I am glad I didn't pay the $25 they charge normally for this. I've seen and tried much nicer ones before but for the price I am glad I got it.

And my favorite part is two pair of compression 2XU socks!!! This is the brand I always use and in the second pic you can see the prices they are normally $45 & $55 a pair.  I love these compression socks.  I feel they really do make a difference with the blood flow and my shin splints.

Here is the best part of this haul and really the only reason I got all this and am sharing it with you.  The retail price with out tax for all of these items is $199.  Now for the amount I actually paid.  I only paid $46.68 w/o tax. Isn't that crazy!!! The pair of reflective 2XU socks as $55 full price alone! I feel I got some great deals and can't wait to try them out!

However thanks to a fight with a box type fan, 3 days ago I have been unable to wear any shoes with heels. :-/  Hoping this week I can try to pick up where I left off on my C25K with out it kicking my butt to bad.

I glimpse at relaps

I really don't want to be effected this much by something that seems out of my control. I around week 4 of being back on my meds the jitters an anxiety finally left, I was shocked it took so long to go away.  Normally it is with in 7 days but for some reason this time it lasted 3 weeks. Then of course what happens? I forget to refill my meds. So about a week went buy with out meds and for the first couple days I was still fine but then I didn't even notice the little signs.  Only a week off, keeping in mind the meds had just reach full effect around 3 weeks and I basically skipped week 5.  I started being more with drawn and figured I am just tired, I stopped calling my family as much and I started right back to my 24/7 stressing and freaking out about what I was stressing about. When I am in a depressed state I find a corner to sit in and stuff my face with Junk food. And not only that but I don't clean up my messes so there is a pile that gathers next to the spot that I start to sink into. Then I took my meds for the first day again. I felt more energetic.  I was able to vent and talk logically with my Mom and Hubby about what had been stressing me out.  More energy meant I got more cleaning done. It was the moment I went an cleaned up the spot where I had been sinking into that I realized the fog had creeped back in so slowly I didn't even notice.  Honestly it took me off guard.  I didn't see it or feel it happening but there was the evidence in my hands as I cleaned it up.  

I have had some great insight into my life these last few days. That is what good meds will do for ya. ;-D Another blog post coming soon.

Starting week 3 late....

I was going to start my C25K week 3 day 1 and I am ashamed to say I let my head and mood get in the way.  It has a 3 min running segment and I am not looking forward to it.  Today I was super cranky and probably means I would have benefitted even more from a run but alas I didn't run. Making this 3 days between runs. From past experience, I know how bad and hard hat makes the next run.  I did spend some time writing more of my book and that means going over pat runs on my way to my half marathon last year and I just wrote about the Beach to Chowder 2014 and I can't believe it has been 2 years since that run.  How can 2 years have passed already?  This was the point I started to love how running made me feel. It was only a week or so after I experienced my first runners high and I realized fully how this activity could make me feel.

Also this week has been the week of STP's past. For the last 4 years Hubby has done the Seattle to Portland bike ride and this year has been the year of laziness for all of us. No STP for hubby and no running events for me.  Hubby was expressing how he missed the STP this year and how it is what kept him motivated to ride more than he has.

Hubby finishing STP in one day last year.

It is his thing, It was his crazy thing that he signed up for that the really felt like he didn't know if he could do it or not. He said once he did it, it was such a confidence boost and he really does enjoy the event. None of his normal group that has done it for the last 4 years did it this year and I can tell they all are kind of bummed seeing the pics come up in time hop and Facebook memories. 

Between him missing his STP and me reading the Beach to Chowder and reliving the first moments I started to feel like running was my thing. I now miss having a thing that was kind of my thing.  Facebook was full running and biking posting this weekend between the STP and the Ragnar relay NW passage. And we are feeling left out. 

When you feel like you don't deserve another chance..

After a night of no sleep running was the last thing I wanted to do yesterday.  With hubby's encouragement I got on the treadmill and did my Week 2 Day 3 work out.  I was so tired I told hubby, fine I'll do it but I don't know if I can run at all. But we all know full well that once you get started doing anything but your best would only be frustrating so I ran just like I would have if I had slept the night before.  My tomato red face showed up during the run, good news is that means I am pushing myself. Even though today my muscles are still not really sore just tired. 

 As I sit and write a to do list with things like meal planning and prep, I almost feel guilty.  I feel like I don't deserve another chance to lose weight and get healthy.  I feel that God has given me so many opportunities and I keep on throwing them away.  I've had the pre diabetes scare, I'm on the mildest smallest type of blood pressure meds I can be on but they are not real blood pressure meds yet, my gastric issue/ulcer and the most recent my skin cancer scare.  After each and everyone of these you could find me crying and telling hubby how I have to change my ways. That would last a week or two if I could even get started.  I still have been unable to start even with the new program purchased. WW has ruined me forever because every time I look at a new diet and it tells me I can't eat something I think well WW let me eat that and I lost weight.  WW was never the problem, it is a great program it was just me sticking with something that is the problem.  My oldest has a problem doing things he doesn't want to and sticking to things he finds frustrating. I realize that while I suck it up and do most things I need to do in my life whether I want to or not when it come to healthy living and dieting I am exactly like him.  Time to vacation is quickly passing and I got two new goal shirts for the trip that I would really like to wear this November. I am glad that my C25K program is just something that isn't an option for me. Now that I've started it I just have to run 3 days a week no if ands or buts about it.  Just need to find a way to make that thought process work with my eating and tracking what I eat. 

I'm confused....

Yesterday I knew I had to run. The nice thing about the C25K program is, it is only 3 days a week but you don't want to go more than 2 days w/o running. Because week 2 day 1 seemed to be so difficult I took an extra day off between. I was concerned that I would find similar results yesterday.  Hubby was home so I was able to avoid the interruptions from the kiddos and the first 90 seconds came and I made it!! I didn't feel like my heart was going to explode. It was beating fast but I felt it was better than the other day. Long story short... I got through the whole 20 mins while it was not easy some things seemed to be missing.  2 years ago when I first did the C25K on Week 3 Day1 I comment on how I have never dripped sweat like that before.  I say how I did all my running at 4 MPH and that I was sweating and my legs hurt so bad.  Granted I am not at Week 3 Day 1 onlly Week 2 Day 2 however, my running I am doing at 5-5.2 MPH.  After my first week back my legs hurt and were tight and after my run but yesterday.......nothing.  I was sweaty but not dripping, What does this mean?  I am confused??

Then today my muscles aren't really sore either.  I would say they feel tired but not sore.  Are my muscles already ready to run for longer periods of time? I don't feel ready to run longer yet, but normally if your not sore you need to push more. I feel like my cardio is in much worse shape than my muscles are and so I don't want to push the speed or exertion too much. Where does this leave me? I need cross training.  Not like I've always said I would do and never did. I really need to do it this time.  My cardio is still not ready or in shape for more than what I am doing but apparently my muscles are. I messaged my favorite trainer than no longer trains and asked if she still has copies of our work outs together, she would always make me a copy and I can't find them anywhere. Fingers crossed she is able to get them to me. she was all about free weights and body weight exercises so I should be able to do most of them at home. I may have to purchase a dreaded bosu, I really hate that thing. 

90 seconds is hard...

C25K week one wasn't to bad, I was sore but it was a good sore.  Yesterday was to be the start of week 2.  Hubby was on a bike ride after work and I had planned on running while he was gone. Well got home after work, ate dinner and then you can't run on a full tummy so I waited for a bit and the lady kicked in.  Hubby had said the bike ride was just going to be a quick trail ride with his buddies so I figured I only have to run 3 times a week I'll just start tomorrow.  I kept on waiting and waiting for hubby to get home texting BFF and so I checked to see where hubby was on his ride, my primary use for find my iPhone, and he was 10 miles way off the trail out about 10 miles from where they met and started the ride........ now my excuse wasn't valid, Crap!  With a big sigh and a groan I got my lazy butt off the couch and went upstairs to my room where the treadmill now lives and got my gear on.

I told the kids where I'd be and started my 5 min warm up.  I was feeling good so I was doing it a little faster than week 1 and when the 5 mins was up I pressed my 5 mph button and was met with a ZOOoooooooommmmmmm.......  All the power in my room shut off.  I learned that the circuit for my room can not power both our AC window unit and my treadmill at running speed, Oops. Out to the garage to reset the breaker and realized if I didn't start over I won't know how far I went in the 20 mins and so I started my warm up over again.  When it came time to run, the power didn't go out but my youngest started yelling for me as soon as I got up to speed. I paused the treadmill and went running to see what was wrong and was met with I'm hungry. :-/  Do any of you remember my post The many functions of my treadmills start button? I was having flash backs to that.  When I finally got back on the treadmill I thought I will just start running, cause I am NOT doing the warm up again. Now I am just hoping to finish running before hubby got home.  90 seconds is hard! I was thinking oh this will be nothing like the 60 seconds last week and I was wrong!!  I wanted to keep my running pace at 5 mph but I just couldn't complete the full 90 seconds at first.  This week had 4 running segments at 90 seconds each and then 2 min walking breaks between them.  This is not how my run went! My went run 60 seconds, walk 2.5 mins, run 90 seconds, walk 3 mins, run 55 seconds run 4 mins, run the last  90 seconds segment and then walk for another 5 mins.  My heart was just racing and I wasn't sure if I had, had to much caffeine or sugar but my heart felt like it was going to explode!  Where did I go wrong? Part of me thinks it was because I put my heart rate watch on and so I was very aware of my heart rate and was checking it regularly during the run then when I would see it was high I would feel scared and stop.  And another thing is I am not sore today. If it was that much harder on my body I should be more sore today than I was last week. Tomorrow we will try this again C25K week 2 day 2, lets see if I can keep my head and heart where they belong.

No better place to start....

It is officially July, we have only 6 months left of 2016 and my pursuit of health in 2016 has gone no where fast.  Isn't it amazing how when we think about something being 12 months away it seems so far.  Yet here we are in the half way done and I don't even know where the last 6 months went.  They were eaten up by stress, depression and anxiety.  We moved and that took up all of March and I used that stress as an excuse to do nothing.  When I avoid dealing with my stress, because it causes such anxiety so I leave it alone,  I soon find myself avoiding things, places and people. That is when depression grabs hold.  That causes me to be worse off than I was when all this started.  In all honestly my stress is just life. It happens to everyone and some can deal with it better than others but if you can't deal you need help.  I've been back on my meds for a week and a half now and I am feeling really good. I've had some down moments, but I recovered faster than I would have 2 weeks ago.

I was feeling so well I felt the urge to run. O_O  I thought NAH, you don't really want to do that.  The nagging feeling wouldn't leave.  So I finally gave in, put on my new running shoes that have been in the box for months and dusted off the treadmill.  Keep in mind this is only the dust it has gathered since we moved in here.

What is a better place to start than right back at C25K Week 1 Day 1.  I looked back at the first time I started this over a year ago after the first interval and I remember week 1 I running for 60 secs was so difficult, I remember I couldn't walk at 3 MPH I had to put it down to 2.8 to start and then when it was time to run it was at 4.2 and it was so difficult that  and to quote myself from a post where I was on week 2 of the C25K  "I am currently not even hitting a mile in 20 mins on my C25K program." This time I was able to do my walking at 3 MPH and I actually ran instead of jogged at 5 MPH for my running segments!! And when my 20 mins came to an end I had hit 1.13 miles.

Granted I was still spent by the time I was done with my 20 mins but it felt WAY more doable than it did two years ago when I first started the program. Now to keep moving forward...

The Fog

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. A lot of going back through my previous blog post and reading them. I re-read all my runs and they all feel like they happened forever ago.  Re-read when I got down to 169 Thanksgiving week and how proud I was of myself.  I am struggling now to even stay on a diet for 2 days. I went to the Dr. the other day and my BP was 188/105,  THATS NOT OK!! They started freaking out like the Dr the Nurse all were asking me about my BP meds. I told them that I hadn't taken them for about 4 months because they refused to refill until I came in and I haven't had a chance to. They sent in a refill on the spot.  And at a follow up apt my BP was 133/88 a much better number. I told my Mom and Hubby that if I don't get healthy one of these days I am going to go to the Dr. and it is going to be more meds or some bad news and then I'll really freak out. While at the Dr. I also got my depression meds restarted.  I've been needed to do this a long time ago.

I have been battling with my depression allot and not winning the battles. I started wondering how long I've been off my meds?  I felt like it was just before we moved but looking back through my posts and I think I went off my meds a year ago! O_O  I had written a post about how well I've been doing off my meds last May. I was doing really good until I stopped working out all together when I broke my pinky last September.  Since then I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I've known for a while I need to be back on my meds, and the last 2 times I've tried I ended up with  sever anxiety around day 3-5 and my panic attacks got so bad I stopped taking it. When I am depressed I am in a constant fog. Some days the fog is thicker than others but it's like I can't see where I am going or what is coming at me, so I stop participating in my life.  I just sit and wait for things to find me in the fog and things that everything that comes up is overwhelming. The fog had gotten so thick I couldn't process any stress.  I started up on my meds again on Thursday and the fog is starting to lighten up. I can see at least a few feet in front of me now.

With all the reflection and rereading of old blog post I now realize every time I've had success on losing weight I've been medicated.  Each time I started doing comes after my post get less frequent and a my few post are from the depths of despair.  Then the post start coming more frequent and they are in a much more positive light and I remember oh thats when I went back on meds.  While being on meds is not my favorite thing it seems to be very necessary a this time. Hopefully I can make it through the super jittery stage for this first week to week and half and keep this going to get my hormones back in balance.

The quitting zone.....

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. You're leaving the land where you were motivated and determined, you have crossed over into.......The Quitting Zone. *plays twilight zone music*

A day an half ago was my official start date to my 21 day challenge. Slight problem was Sunday was the day I was going to spend all day meal planning, grocery shopping and food prepping and as it always seems to something came up.  So NONE of this happened. I was so frustrated and refused to think that delaying the start of this diet was an option because it is what I always do, put it off and then never start. So gosh darn it, I started my diet anyways!!

I got thru day one ok, and went grocery shopping and but wasn't able to get to one of the stores I needed just because it was getting to late.  I figured I had the next day off and I would go right to the grocery store after I dropped my oldest off at school. Well like before things came up. One thing after another until we never made it to the grocery store at all today and I made it thru breakfast and lunch was a bit of a stretch and by dinner diet was done. I had entered the quitting zone.  Normally when this happens I will start to make plans to start again next Monday or maybe now after I finish my antibiotics I am on since they are reeking havoc on my gut right now. But this time I am going with my favorite quote from Anne of Green Gables; "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."  I am still reading the 5 habits of a woman who doesn't quit and today when I reached the quitting zone I did start thinking about what I've read so far.  The hardest thing for me is and has always been not just giving up, planning on starting at another time and spiraling down into depression that I failed yet again.  I am trying my hardest to remember that a few off days will not ruin the whole goal.  It may delay it but it won't stop my from reaching it as long as I get right back up.

Caught on camera

Today was birthday party day for our boys. They are born almost exactly 4 years apart, so birthday parties so far are a joint thing.  I normally take the photos but my Mom took videos of us singing happy birthday to the boys while they blew out their candles.  And there I was in the corner of the video.  In one of my precious Disney 2XL shirts that my brain told me just days ago I didn't want to lose too much weight because they won't fit anymore. 

After a day of putting on two parties my body hurts, my feet hurt and I am utterly spent.  My body is not healthy, my body can't seem to handle simple tasks anymore.  Whether it be a day of cleaning, grocery shopping or putting on parties for my boys my body gets angry and it tells me so. A little over a year ago I was only 10 lbs lighter but I was training for my half. And while I didn't lose any weight while training I can see the difference in my body so much now.

 While I was still over weight, I was in such better shape.  I could do a 10K and feel fine all day long. Now a 5K feels daunting. I miss who I was when I was running.  I miss feeling a little bad ass because I could go for such distances. My body did hurt then but for other reasons and I was still over weight and my body hurt after a run from my weight and my muscles were sore from being pushed. My clothes fit better I felt better.

Here I am on the cusp of a new chance for change and I am scared to death.  I got my 21 Day fix package in the mail and have a friend that is starting it with me on Monday. I belong to a support group on Facebook and I have all day tomorrow, with no plans except to prepare for Monday. Let me repeat I am terrified.  I know that this brings change and even though I know it is change for the better it is still change and I don't like change.  But I am slipping further and further into unhealthy ways, gaining weight and my highest weight keeps on going up slowly but surly.  My current path is well worn, well known, dependable but this path leads to type 2 diabetes, more blood pressure medication, acid reflux causing scaring of my esophagus, more body aches & pains, depression, anxiety, laziness and I am sure there are more negatives of bad health I haven't even seen yet like sleep apnea and/or high cholesterol.  The new path is overgrown, just starting will take hard work and the further in you get it doesn't get easier.  This new path comes with good health,

This proves how screwed up my brain is.....

Lets all agree that any, all and every purchase of exercise equpiment, work out DVD, gym membership or new diet program are emotional buys.  Whether we are depressed and feeling like we have to do something to save our skin or we are excited about that possibilities that come with these purchases it is always an emotional buy.  After the excitement of ordering the 21 Day fix started to wear off, I tried to do some math to keep me motivated to figure out just how much weight I could lose.  The program claims up to 15 lbs loss in 21 days.  I will stick to my conservative goal of 2 lbs a week. As I said in my last post we've put our selves on a  wait list with our Timeshare for a November trip to Disneyland.  So I added that date to my math to see what I could lose by then. That time frame would give me 6 full rounds of the 21 day fix.  Very quickly I heard my thoughts as if I was speaking out loud. you can't lose too much weight, all your Disney clothing, shorts, capris, won't fit and yo udon't have money to buy news ones. I thought well crap what will I wear if I need to buy new shorts in the middle of winter.  The next thought I had was one of disbelief. I just caught myself talking myself out of losing weight because of clothing I have that are size 2XL.  I was talking myself out of health for a Mickey Mouse shirt and shorts!! WTHeck is wrong with my brain??

I stopped myself because it wasn't just a fleeting thought, it was taking hold of me and made me honestly consider waiting to lose weight.  About a half hour later while eating some candy I had another loud thought: I can't diet because I want to be able to eat yummy Disneyland food with out being sick on vacation. If I've only been eating healthy food and then  want a Churro, it'll make me sick.  I kid you knot these were legitimate concerning thoughts that both times had me second guessing this whole thing.   Thank goodness I am very aware of my self sabotage right now.

Trying something new....

I have expressed my frustrations with my ability to stick to diets. Weight Watchers work but the weekly points tend to give me an opportunity to over eat, I don't tend to make the best choices, then I gain weight and then I quite.  I've tried to get going with a combo of Advocare and WW and have yet to succeed.  I've bought two body bugs, two fit bits, heart rate monitor watches, I've joined JillianMichales.com, fitness pal, weight watchers, drank omitrition tea, and LA Weight Loss. I want my LA Weight loss back. I loved that program and it seemed to work so well for my brain.  They have an LA weight loss at home program but it is $200 a month just for the bars and tracking info an that is too much for 30 protein bars. I started searching for a similar tracking system as LA weight loss and even started to make my own cause I just couldn't seem to find one. I just wanted something similar that would tell me ok you get 3 proteins a day and a portion= 6 oz and once I eat them I check them off. I could always look at the end of the night and be like well I have a condiment and veggies left for the day time for some carrots and ranch.   There was not as much wiggle room but I still was able to get a treat twice a week by swapping a protein for a "carb craver" and that got me pizza and stuff. It was the best mix of restriction with out being so strict I quit. Today while searching for diet tracker stickers for my Erin Condren Planner I gasped as I saw something that looked like LA Weight Loss tracking. I got excited thinking I may have finally found what I've been looking for! The stickers I saw are for the 21 Day Fix by Beach Body.  So I started researching and comparing LA Weight Loss and the 21 Day Fix and they are extremely similar! I've been told in the past to avoid beach body like the plague because they sign you up for auto ship of Shakology and it is a nightmare to get it canceled. But I know have a couple friends that are beach body coaches now so I felt better about buying it from them instead of from the infomercial or website.

Some of  you maybe thinking: why try something else when you already blonde to WW and the gym. And I agree that while ANY of the other programs I tried through out the years would have worked just fine if I stuck to them.  This thought used to upset me to no end because I know if I just stock with any of them I'd be good. But now I wonder if everyone needs to find here niche that works best for them.  While the new WW program is basically eating the same foods as on the 21 Day fix it is a different way of tracking. It will provide me with less options with out taking away everything. Both WW and the 21 Day fix are about people learning how to eat things in moderation and that is how I truly believe we should eat.

LA weight loss was a great plan for me and I was down 30 lbs on that plan and maintained it for almost a year and then I started gaining it back.  LA weight loss never dealt with the core of your fatness so to say.  I never learned why I emotionally ate and it wasn't until very recently that I figured out why I have.  WW has the new beyond the scale part of their program to help people deal with the root so they don't go back to their old ways.  I am not sure how beach body addresses it or if they even do but I know I need to deal with them and I've already started reading some great books and that combined with prayer and the support of my hubby I think I am finally going to address the root of my overeating.

My negative thoughts have beat me up so much inside I have no self worth left.  I know now that my fear of what others were thinking of me was attributing to my negative talk.  I've been telling hubby for a few months now that maybe it is just because I am getting older but I am getting so sick of carrying what other people think about me all the time.  He thinks I never should have in the first place. My Mom was and is a people pleaser, wants to make everyone happy no matter what it takes.  I have gotten than trait from her and so when people say negative things about me it really effects me.  I don't play that game, I won't speak the "truth" as I see it about anyone because everything is about perspective. And only god truly knows every detail of every situation.  Because I am a people please I get left out and forgotten, canceled on because "we knew you would understand".  It is human nature to be all about what is best for you and I have always been about what is best for everyone else.

Can't hide it anymore

For a very long time I've be able to say hide my belly. I carry most of my fat there and have been told that I hide it well. People find out how much I weigh and they are very surprised. To quote my BFF once, when I was much lighter, while sharing a dressing room at the mall, "Wow you really are over weight!" Yes, yes I am. We recently got one of those free standing full length mirrors for our room and it is next to my dresser. While grabbing underwear and clothing after showering with just a towel on my head I saw something I haven't seen in probably close to 10 years......I saw my self naked. All the stretch marks and rolls had no where to hide. it was to late I'd couldn't unseen what I just saw. My first thought was: WOAH how did I get here? second thought was: This is not healthy and the third thought was I have to take a before picture in next to nothing so everyone can really see the change I am going to make! Not my normal thought process which is a good thing. My normal process would have had me downing tons of ice cream while wallowing in the depths of despair over how overweight I am. This mornings weight was 187, 7 lbs heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with DS2.

For a little more than a week I've been thinking crazy thoughts about my health goals and I think I maybe losing my mind.  I have been thinking about committing to 90 days of health. June, July and Aug.  And I can't seem to get it out of my head.  Then today we waitlisted a vacation for Nov and I was thinking about how amazing it would be to go on vacation healthy. This made me think why stop at 90 days lets stretch it out until Nov incase our wait list gets granted. Then I think how can I even think that big when I can't seem to complete a 24 day challenge, why would I want to overwhelm my mind with that large of a time frame? But I know that this change will be a lifetime change and I wonder if thinking more long term would help since thinking short term hasn't worked so far.  On one hand Nov sounds so far away and like a long time to stay focused and on the other hand I feel like it is doable and lots of time to do it in.  But with lots of time comes procrastination. The logical talk of I don't have to start today I still have time, happens. And I've officially be doing this for years, literally years!!! How do we prevent my habituation procrastination?  With Motivation and action! they are  procrastination killers.

Step one motivation: They say to plaster your goal everywhere so you are constantly reminded of it.  It is time to buy some poster board and put my goal up all over. Also I want to put up something to track my habits where hubby can see it and keep me accountable too. Hubby has been talking about starting to run and I want to print out C25K schedules for both of us.  I realized recently that I think my unhealthy habits are brining my husband down as well. We are both at our heaviest weight ever and both went from being very active last year to basically zero activity.

Step two action:  I have been planning on getting this whole thing started on June 1st. The whole idea scares me but I feel good about it as well.  I have a little over a week to prepare. This gives me plenty of time to meal plan, grocery shop and make motivational goal posters and put them up everywhere.