The Fog

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. A lot of going back through my previous blog post and reading them. I re-read all my runs and they all feel like they happened forever ago.  Re-read when I got down to 169 Thanksgiving week and how proud I was of myself.  I am struggling now to even stay on a diet for 2 days. I went to the Dr. the other day and my BP was 188/105,  THATS NOT OK!! They started freaking out like the Dr the Nurse all were asking me about my BP meds. I told them that I hadn't taken them for about 4 months because they refused to refill until I came in and I haven't had a chance to. They sent in a refill on the spot.  And at a follow up apt my BP was 133/88 a much better number. I told my Mom and Hubby that if I don't get healthy one of these days I am going to go to the Dr. and it is going to be more meds or some bad news and then I'll really freak out. While at the Dr. I also got my depression meds restarted.  I've been needed to do this a long time ago.

I have been battling with my depression allot and not winning the battles. I started wondering how long I've been off my meds?  I felt like it was just before we moved but looking back through my posts and I think I went off my meds a year ago! O_O  I had written a post about how well I've been doing off my meds last May. I was doing really good until I stopped working out all together when I broke my pinky last September.  Since then I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I've known for a while I need to be back on my meds, and the last 2 times I've tried I ended up with  sever anxiety around day 3-5 and my panic attacks got so bad I stopped taking it. When I am depressed I am in a constant fog. Some days the fog is thicker than others but it's like I can't see where I am going or what is coming at me, so I stop participating in my life.  I just sit and wait for things to find me in the fog and things that everything that comes up is overwhelming. The fog had gotten so thick I couldn't process any stress.  I started up on my meds again on Thursday and the fog is starting to lighten up. I can see at least a few feet in front of me now.

With all the reflection and rereading of old blog post I now realize every time I've had success on losing weight I've been medicated.  Each time I started doing comes after my post get less frequent and a my few post are from the depths of despair.  Then the post start coming more frequent and they are in a much more positive light and I remember oh thats when I went back on meds.  While being on meds is not my favorite thing it seems to be very necessary a this time. Hopefully I can make it through the super jittery stage for this first week to week and half and keep this going to get my hormones back in balance.