In everyone’s weight loss story it always says “And that is the day I decided to change my life”. I have made that decision so many times and have nothing but more weight to show for it. My weight no longer is fluctuating around 180 I sit steady at 181-182. I feel as if I am sitting at rock bottom and I keep telling myself that it is better to be there than to try to climb out of here and fall back down. Yes the rock bottom is uncomfortable and I am not happy down here but I know how hard it is to try to climb out of here and I know the pain of climbing just to lose my grip and fall all the way back down. I am so unhappy in my present situation and I am starting to worry about my health because of it too. I can fell changes in my body when I eat too much sugar and that worries me about diabetes. And I am still not working out and I am only 2weeks and 5 days from my next 5K the Color Run. I really want to back out but I don’t think my BFF will let me.
Another thing you see on weight loss success stories are the thanks for the support from and they will list a bunch of people and how they couldn’t have done it w/o them. So I have a super supportive DH and yet I feel like I will be on this journey alone because everyone has gotten to the point where they are frustrated because there is no way to help me, and how I am the only one who can make the choices. DH has been trying to make chicken for dinner the last like 5 nights and I am doing nothing but complaining & whining cause I feel like it is diet food and I am not on a diet so I shouldn’t have to suffer. I am in some kind of rebellious stage right now when it comes to getting healthy. My Mom is losing weight, DH is in such great shape from his bike riding & my BFF looks great and is getting in shape too. So I am being a bratty baby is what it comes down to because I feel like SCREW IT, I’m not going to you can’t make me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!?! Yet my brain is also what tells me I have bad ass athlete inside me too. But then I think that was a long time ago and you can’t get that back now can you?? I know I used to be the fastest runner in my class and then in High school the fastest of the girls. I was so competitive and loved it.
I feel as if I only do things to make other people happy and I have fooled myself into thinking not dieting is what makes me happy. Because I am miserable at my job, dieting makes me super cranky and working out takes time that I could be spending w/ my family. But I need to be brutally honest w/ myself. This “time” I am spending w/ my family is just sitting on my ass on the computer, phone, iPad or watching TV, while my boys play and DH is working on getting something accomplished on his car or bike. Now the frustrating thing is if I try to go get on my treadmill the kids need a thousand different things. I have a hard time being able to go in there and get it done, I have to stop a ton of times and if I am doing it w/ DH isn’t home & w/ his work schedule that is just more often the case. If I am just sitting doing nothing, they leave me alone. Yet like my sad realization in my last blog I think it more because they have been trained by my laziness that if Mommy is sitting she won’t get up so don’t even try. And then I am back to wanting to cry.
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