Control

So when I say eating disorders what comes to mind?  Anorexia and Bulimia, right? I remember studying them in Health and finding out what the main causes of them were and it was control. Normally someone who becomes anorexic or bulimic is due to a lack of control in other situations in their lives. We studied how unhealthy it made people and how you could die from it as well.  I never understood the control aspect of it because when I toyed w/ anorexia, in the 11^th Grade, It really wasn’t about control I had a very happy life & good friends it was really just about losing weight fast. That is probably the reason it was so easy for me to stop.  Anyways today while I was typing my post and I got to the point where I stated I was in some kind of rebellious phase.   I started thinking about how it eating is a stress release because of all the crazy change that has been going on that seems constantly lately. Then I thought is it not really a stress release?  Then it hit me…. All the eating disorder education came flooding into my brain. It isn’t a real stress reliever, it is control over something.   O_O   So yes I emotionally eat but it is to feel control and the feeling of control is what makes me feel better temporarily because for the time I am eating I am in control of what is going on and I forget about the many other things out of my control.  WOW!! I just don’t know how to quite process this information. It feels almost empowering. Even though I have basically realized I have a eating disorder. It is an over eating disorder but it is for all the same reasons one would become Anorexic or Bulimic.  It is severe enough that it is affecting my health.  However I now feel like I just need to remind myself I am in control while starting a diet.  Maybe when I want to cheat a simple reminder that I am in control and choosing this would be enough to keep me from blowing it.  Could this be the switch in my brain I’ve been looking for? 

I’m thinking about trying WW again.  Maybe reminding myself that my control will help and that is a diet where I can still eat out and stay on plan.  And even though I don’t like the meetings I don’t think it is enough outside accountability like the one on one w/ LA weight loss. I am thinking it might be enough this time.  I still have all the info from the last time I joined but I REALLY think I need to accountability. Dare I give it another try?  It is one of the plans that lets me eat real food and gives me credit for exercise. They have buy one month get one free right now. I am thinking of joining setting up my plan for success and then go and weigh in Wed Morning at the meeting at 9:30AM. I am sure my Mom will watch Jacob while I go to the meeting. Then I want to commit a 2 months, that is the one I am paying for and the free one. I need to stick to the plan for the next 2 months and see how it goes. That means no quitting allowed. It means I do my best and stick to it for 60 days. And if it isn't working I can quit and try something else.