Downward spiral…..

I am spiraling downward so far and it seems to be picking up speed.  It is to the point where I feel my depression has taken over.  I am talking to DH about going back on meds but I REALLY don't want to.  But I am sick and tired of not caring about anything that has to do w/ me.  I always care that my family is happy but I still am to the point where I want to do as little as possible to keep them happy. My oldest son knows it is better to do things for him self because I just don't want to get up.  It makes me want to cry realizing this but it is true.

To add fuel to the fire, we had news again about DH new job is going to be relocated to California too. So now we are back in the same boat as we were about 6 months ago. Life has been constant changes and I don't have the effort to do anything. I want to quit my job because I have no motivation to even go. I feel like I am such a mess and I don't have the strength to fix it.  I don't know what to do. I plan and buy diet food and it rots.   I even looked into Nutrisystem today but it is processed food that means different meals for me and my family at dinner and not learning to control my eating.  I am at a loss. Do I go to the Dr and get on meds or do if find the strength to fight knowing that exercise, vitamins and eating right will improve my depression?  I wish I had a buddy. Someone who was on the same diet as me someone who would come to my house and work out w/ me.  Right now I am alone.  DH had his work out buddy and it is easy for him to eat right. Like yesterday I had a BBQ chicken sandwich and he just had the chicken w/ fruit and veggies and it pisses me off when he does that.  I know it shouldn't but when ever he does that it makes me so mad.  I feel like he is trying to rub it in my face and I know he isn't but it triggers that anger that I feel like saying yeah, yeah I see what your doing and I don't want to and don't care if I do eat right or not.

My belly button is getting shallower and I can't even tell you how many calories I consumed today.  I haven't weighed myself in quite a few days and I don't know how to start and make it stick. I wish I could qualify for some kind of disability leave to get 2 weeks off paid to focus just on me and my diet and getting my butt in gear. I feel that is where I am at. I need to be isolated with lots if help for those first two weeks w/ someone their at all times so I am not able to eat behind people's backs.