*SIGH*

We just got back from a short weekend to the Ocean and It wasn't long enough but it was nice.  I normally come back from the Ocean w/ motivation or some clarity about things but nothing this time. It was a crazy whirl wind.  I have not been dieting just eating like a pig gaining weight. I keep on telling myself it doesn't matter, I don't really care, eating this food is more important.  Why can't I make myself take care of myself and eat right. I am not dependable in anyway.  Not when it comes to business, work, and especially when it comes to anything I should be doing for my self. I feel my chest tighten just after swimming a few feet. My BFF did her C25K all last week and I am now 3 weeks behind only 5 weeks until the color run and I am already wanting to back out. Like I said undependable. I am in no way ready to do anything about this tomorrow but this is always one of my excuses as well. I feel like I can't balance anything in my life.  I am either all about cleaning, paying off debt or I can diet for a week but get NOTHING else done.  And forget trying to run my business. I got a couple bookings for my MK and I was super excited cause it has been so long since I've had any but now as i sit here and start to think about losing weight I want to say Oh well I guess MK isn't meant to happen right now.  Why do I do this?  Mary Kay Ash said "No one plans to fail but they fail to plan" I know that meal planning and sticking to that meal planning is key to my eating and lack of options as well. But I also need to work out or I am not going to survive the color run and forget about the triathlon and doing better on the Warrior Dash.  It makes me angry just to think about how out of shape I am.  I was always the athletic one.  I was never the thin one, the pretty one or the smart one but I was very athletic so I kind of always claimed that for me.  I was listening to my iPod on the way down to the beach and Music makes me feel like me.  I feel like the music takes me back to who I once was when I was happy w/ me.  Now  again don't get me wrong I have an amazing blessed life and I have grown in so many ways. But the whole side that is important to my family isn't yet important to me.  And that is me.  I need to focus on me so I can make my family happier & heather.