Feeling Discouraged

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am feeling very discouraged. According to my scale there isn't much difference in my weight. I mean I've been eating healthy not perfect but WAY better. I've given up getting fast food for lunch and dinner.  I mean this has been a tough week for me because I want to eat junk and pick up food & I MISS MY FRENCH FRIES!  And yet my scale isn't showing anything more than what I would consider water weight. When anyone starts a diet the first week is always the biggest loss because you start drinking lots of water and flushing out the sodium in your system. So all that puffy water weight is gone. And so far my scale is saying like 3 lbs and it's been saying that since day 3 of this week and here we are day 7. Yeah the WW people will be all good job but it isn't. So I am having a hard time pushing past this in my mind. I feel like I've done well and not seeing results of my efforts. There was a time when I got my body media band and I was spring cleaning and calorie tracking but still eating out at like Famous Daves for dinner and I lost 7 lbs. So I understand what my body was capable of losing in a week. So 3 lbs feels like nothing. And I even did my C25K 2 days. This is how it always seems to go. I get frustrated because it doesn't seem to be working and quit. My Mom & my BFF say I can't look at is as no weight loss but I do. Anything less than 5 lbs in the first week seems like a wast. And it still kills me that the WW scale said I was 183.9 when my scale at home said 181. So I have a fear that I'll step on a different scale at WW that will be more correct there and they'll think I've lost like 5.9 lbs which is NOT true, it is just because they have a faulty scale. So I really don't want o consistently think my scale is 3 bps off too. But I want the weight loss to be accurate between my scale & WW.   SO FRUSTRATING!!

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. I didn't weight myself that morning and that was probably the key to why.  I wasn't as cranky about having to eat chicken and salad all the time.  But today the scale started the day off on the wrong foot. We will see what happens tomorrow. We are planning on going for a bike ride after my WW meeting. DH says he is looking forward to the ride and I always feel so bad when he has to go for a ride w/ me because he is so much more healthier, stronger and faster than me.  Today I completed the 2nd week 1 work out for C25K. I am not fast but at least I am doing it.  And here is a picture to prove it. :-)

I also have been meaning to post a pic of my motivation board that is in front of my treadmill. I posted it on pinterest too.

Day 5 of diet and Day 1 of C25K

So today I ate some food not on my diet.  We had that party for my Brother today and my Mom made Swedish Meatballs and normally we only get them for Christmas dinner. There was also lots of pasta salads, potato salad, little smokey sausages in bbq sauce, Teriyaki chicken wings…..  And I feel that I did pretty well considering. I ate a few meatballs, Chicken wings and then stuck w/ the fruit & veggie trays and avoided all the other carb loaded stuff w/ dressing and mayo.  So Yes I ate off the plan but if I was counting points, which starts on week 3, I would have been fine. So I feel that I did pretty well. But now I am getting hungry again cause that was like a late lunch and here it is 8PM I shouldn't be eating dinner this late but I am hungry.  In other good news, as you can tell from the title, I completed Day 1 of the C25K today. I know the Color Run is only 2 weeks away but better late than never.  Hopfully the little bit of it I can get it 2 weeks of the 9 will help. Worst case I can walk most of it if I have to. My BFF said we can walk a 5K in a hour and it's true I can walk at a 3 mph on the treadmill pretty easy.

2 more full days until weigh in. My scale says I've lost but again I have no idea what the scale at WW is going to say. DH is off this next week so I'll be able to go to my meeting w/o having to worry about someone to watch my youngest.  I feel thinner and I don't think it is possible to feel that way yet. I keep on hoping I can pull this off this time & stick w/ it.

Just say No to Nachos

Well as in true tradition when ever I start a diet the deli at work serves one of the only 4 specials that they make like every 3 months that I order it's either: French dips, Baked potatoes, Taco Salads or Nachos and today was Nacho Day.  I didn't blow my diet. Day 3 has ended with a few tweaks here and there but technically not cheating and yet I am frustrated.  I told DH I already feel like I can't continue to eat like this for the rest of my life.  It is so much work!  I have succumb to the easy fast food life and at this time that is all that feels like I can fit into my schedule and now I am having to find time to cook 3 meals a day just for me & that doesn't include what I have to make for the rest of my family because Mommy is eating food that isn't normal food anymore.  I know if I keep this up my kids will eventually follow in my eating footsteps but for now there is no point in causing more stress by trying to force diet food on my kids. Anyways enough on that my kids and their eating habits could have their own blog.  Anyways, all this to say I need to figure out how to make this easier.  Working and coming home knowing I have to thaw & cook when I am starving doesn't work for me.  I am sure the key is in planning and prepping.  We have a hectic weekend ahead of us and I am throwing a congrats party for my little brother who is finally getting a Pastor position at our Church. So I have to consider how I am not going to blow my diet when for these first two weeks the set snacks and meals are pretty non negotiable.  I am still very skeptical about this whole thing working. Especially when I looked at my weigh in paper. Did I tell you that it has me weighed in at 183.9??? And a 1/2 hr before that my scale had me a 181.? I mean 3 almost 4 lbs difference?  Granted I drank 16 oz of water and ate 3 hard boiled egg whites on my way over there but I don't think that could cause that kind of a difference. So now I know my scale is about 3 lbs off and I am not sure what my weigh in will be there next Wed. I feel like it is been so much longer than just 3 days. I am still winning and pressing forward but it isn't easy.

Feeling the itch….

Today went ok. Stuck to my diet plan but I am feeling the itch to quit already.  I am frustrated not feeling like it is going to work and stressed about having to go to work tomorrow. Work used to be the easy place to diet but now it is where I eat food my DH can't see me eat and even there I retreat to my car to eat my fast food and I inhale my Chocolate I eat there & hope no one notices.  I really want to lose like at least 5 lbs this week and I am not sure that is going to happen.  DH is back to his 7 days on 7 days off this week so the next 3 days he is working until 7PM, so I will need to come home and cook dinner. I really don't think this plan is going to work because I think I am eating to much and to many carbs. Granted I am following the rules, so only eating these foods until I am satisfied. I am still not sure how this is going to work.  I feel like I am eating to many carbs and not enough other stuff. I think I am going to try to add more fruit and veggies for the next few days to see if that helps the way I feel about this eating plan.  :-/ My Mom asked me when I got back from my meeting if I was feeling hopeful and I don't yet. I am still so hesitant and concerned about it really working.  My goal is still the 2 months because that is what is already paid for.  However I will have a very hard time sticking w/ it after 2 weeks because that is what I normally want to quit because I am not seeing results. And I don;t know if I am not seeing results because I always cheat by then or what.  I am just don't want to see history repeat it's self again.

Well I did it, and for some reason I am scared out of my mind..

I joined WW & went in for my weigh in and first meeting today.  My weigh in there was 183.  My first goal w/ them is 5% and that is 9 lbs.  I stayed for the meeting and the getting started one afterwards.  So I am trying to follow just what they are telling me to do. I am in control of my decisions but I need to keep telling myself I am choosing this and that is why it isn't controlling me.  I am taking control of food.  So I am not coating points yet it is called the simple start and it is for the first two weeks. I ran to the grocery store to pick up a couple things to get me thru the next few days. I need to sit down and make a meal plan and then go shopping. But I am also kind of in the middle of spring cleaning so I'd hate to stop that to make a meal plan, it needs to be done.

Today was full of emotions; fear, anger, stress, crankiness…… DH came home to a very cranky wife. I picked up a pizza for my kids and man did I want to eat it.  Every time I would feel tempted to eat I would say in my mind "You're in control. The food isn't controlling you any more. You chose to change your eating habits. You're in control."  And today it worked.    Today I was successful in following their simple start plan. Tomorrow is day two.  Hopefully the day will come when I will be sharing my success story about how on April 23, 2014 is the day I finally committed to my dream to change my health and life for the better.

Control

So when I say eating disorders what comes to mind?  Anorexia and Bulimia, right? I remember studying them in Health and finding out what the main causes of them were and it was control. Normally someone who becomes anorexic or bulimic is due to a lack of control in other situations in their lives. We studied how unhealthy it made people and how you could die from it as well.  I never understood the control aspect of it because when I toyed w/ anorexia, in the 11^th Grade, It really wasn’t about control I had a very happy life & good friends it was really just about losing weight fast. That is probably the reason it was so easy for me to stop.  Anyways today while I was typing my post and I got to the point where I stated I was in some kind of rebellious phase.   I started thinking about how it eating is a stress release because of all the crazy change that has been going on that seems constantly lately. Then I thought is it not really a stress release?  Then it hit me…. All the eating disorder education came flooding into my brain. It isn’t a real stress reliever, it is control over something.   O_O   So yes I emotionally eat but it is to feel control and the feeling of control is what makes me feel better temporarily because for the time I am eating I am in control of what is going on and I forget about the many other things out of my control.  WOW!! I just don’t know how to quite process this information. It feels almost empowering. Even though I have basically realized I have a eating disorder. It is an over eating disorder but it is for all the same reasons one would become Anorexic or Bulimic.  It is severe enough that it is affecting my health.  However I now feel like I just need to remind myself I am in control while starting a diet.  Maybe when I want to cheat a simple reminder that I am in control and choosing this would be enough to keep me from blowing it.  Could this be the switch in my brain I’ve been looking for? 

I’m thinking about trying WW again.  Maybe reminding myself that my control will help and that is a diet where I can still eat out and stay on plan.  And even though I don’t like the meetings I don’t think it is enough outside accountability like the one on one w/ LA weight loss. I am thinking it might be enough this time.  I still have all the info from the last time I joined but I REALLY think I need to accountability. Dare I give it another try?  It is one of the plans that lets me eat real food and gives me credit for exercise. They have buy one month get one free right now. I am thinking of joining setting up my plan for success and then go and weigh in Wed Morning at the meeting at 9:30AM. I am sure my Mom will watch Jacob while I go to the meeting. Then I want to commit a 2 months, that is the one I am paying for and the free one. I need to stick to the plan for the next 2 months and see how it goes. That means no quitting allowed. It means I do my best and stick to it for 60 days. And if it isn't working I can quit and try something else. 

“Why choose failure, when success is an option?” –Jillian Michaels

In everyone’s weight loss story it always says “And that is the day I decided to change my life”. I have made that decision so many times and have nothing but more weight to show for it.  My weight no longer is fluctuating around 180 I sit steady at 181-182. I feel as if I am sitting at rock bottom and I keep telling myself that it is better to be there than to try to climb out of here and fall back down. Yes the rock bottom is uncomfortable and I am not happy down here but I know how hard it is to try to climb out of here and I know the pain of climbing just to lose my grip and fall all the way back down.  I am so unhappy in my present situation and I am starting to worry about my health because of it too. I can fell changes in my body when I eat too much sugar and that worries me about diabetes.  And I am still not working out and I am only 2weeks and 5 days from my next 5K the Color Run.  I really want to back out but I don’t think my BFF will let me. 

Another thing you see on weight loss success stories are the thanks for the support from and they will list a bunch of people and how they couldn’t have done it w/o them.  So I have a super supportive DH and yet I feel like I will be on this journey alone because everyone has gotten to the point where they are frustrated because there is no way to help me, and how I am the only one who can make the choices.  DH has been trying to make chicken for dinner the last like 5 nights and I am doing nothing but complaining & whining cause I feel like it is diet food and I am not on a diet so I shouldn’t have to suffer. I am in some kind of rebellious stage right now when it comes to getting healthy. My Mom is losing weight, DH is in such great shape from his bike riding & my BFF looks great and is getting in shape too.  So I am being a bratty baby is what it comes down to because I feel like SCREW IT, I’m not going to you can’t make me.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!?!  Yet my brain is also what tells me I have  bad ass athlete inside me too. But then I think that was a long time ago and you can’t get that back now can you?? I know I used to be the fastest runner in my class and then in High school the fastest of the girls.  I was so competitive and loved it.  

I feel as if I only do things to make other people happy and I have fooled myself into thinking not dieting is what makes me happy.  Because I am miserable at my job, dieting makes me super cranky and working out takes time that I could be spending w/ my family.  But I need to be brutally honest w/ myself.  This “time” I am spending w/ my family is just sitting on my ass on the computer, phone, iPad or watching TV, while my boys play and DH is working on getting something accomplished on his car or bike. Now the frustrating thing is if I try to go get on my treadmill the kids need a thousand different things. I have a hard time being able to go in there and get it done, I have to stop a ton of times and if I am doing it w/ DH isn’t home & w/ his work schedule that is just more often the case.  If I am just sitting doing nothing, they leave me alone.  Yet like my sad realization in my last blog I think it more because they have been trained by my laziness that if Mommy is sitting she won’t get up so don’t even try.  And then I am back to wanting to cry.  

Fragile

So work was slow enough yesterday that I started to write.  It doesn't rhyme all the time but it expresses my mind set and why it is so hard for me to take chances and make changes.

Fragile

Born a petite baby girl
Even my name is breakable
Treated as precious glass
The fear of breaking lives in me

Be careful you'll get hurt
Be careful you might brake
Be careful you can't handle too much
Be careful you're fragile

As I grew so did my strengths
My confidence, my dreams
And the desire to spread my wings
yet for my protection, I am held back

The weight of the risks are to heavy
They always outweighed the rewards
Strengths, confidence, dreams start to fade
My potential is now safely locked away

Now a wife & mother, I am grown
I find the risks always to heavy
These thoughts have now become my own
because I am fragile, afraid to break

Fear of breaking has spread deep
It has developed into multiple forms
It effects my days, nights & sleep
Always afraid of what might cause me harm

The person I am is NOT who I was created to be
But what if I fail, what if I break


Still working on the rest of it. I want to end it with a way to overcome it but I am not sure I can truly write the rest until I get past this. I sent it to my BFF & had DH read it. DH said it was very well written and sad.  I told him it is just to truth not a sad story and the fact that it is the truth is why he says it is sad.  My BFF says I am just like Elsa from Frozen and I need to "Let it go" LOL!

Downward spiral…..

I am spiraling downward so far and it seems to be picking up speed.  It is to the point where I feel my depression has taken over.  I am talking to DH about going back on meds but I REALLY don't want to.  But I am sick and tired of not caring about anything that has to do w/ me.  I always care that my family is happy but I still am to the point where I want to do as little as possible to keep them happy. My oldest son knows it is better to do things for him self because I just don't want to get up.  It makes me want to cry realizing this but it is true.

To add fuel to the fire, we had news again about DH new job is going to be relocated to California too. So now we are back in the same boat as we were about 6 months ago. Life has been constant changes and I don't have the effort to do anything. I want to quit my job because I have no motivation to even go. I feel like I am such a mess and I don't have the strength to fix it.  I don't know what to do. I plan and buy diet food and it rots.   I even looked into Nutrisystem today but it is processed food that means different meals for me and my family at dinner and not learning to control my eating.  I am at a loss. Do I go to the Dr and get on meds or do if find the strength to fight knowing that exercise, vitamins and eating right will improve my depression?  I wish I had a buddy. Someone who was on the same diet as me someone who would come to my house and work out w/ me.  Right now I am alone.  DH had his work out buddy and it is easy for him to eat right. Like yesterday I had a BBQ chicken sandwich and he just had the chicken w/ fruit and veggies and it pisses me off when he does that.  I know it shouldn't but when ever he does that it makes me so mad.  I feel like he is trying to rub it in my face and I know he isn't but it triggers that anger that I feel like saying yeah, yeah I see what your doing and I don't want to and don't care if I do eat right or not.

My belly button is getting shallower and I can't even tell you how many calories I consumed today.  I haven't weighed myself in quite a few days and I don't know how to start and make it stick. I wish I could qualify for some kind of disability leave to get 2 weeks off paid to focus just on me and my diet and getting my butt in gear. I feel that is where I am at. I need to be isolated with lots if help for those first two weeks w/ someone their at all times so I am not able to eat behind people's backs. 

*SIGH*

We just got back from a short weekend to the Ocean and It wasn't long enough but it was nice.  I normally come back from the Ocean w/ motivation or some clarity about things but nothing this time. It was a crazy whirl wind.  I have not been dieting just eating like a pig gaining weight. I keep on telling myself it doesn't matter, I don't really care, eating this food is more important.  Why can't I make myself take care of myself and eat right. I am not dependable in anyway.  Not when it comes to business, work, and especially when it comes to anything I should be doing for my self. I feel my chest tighten just after swimming a few feet. My BFF did her C25K all last week and I am now 3 weeks behind only 5 weeks until the color run and I am already wanting to back out. Like I said undependable. I am in no way ready to do anything about this tomorrow but this is always one of my excuses as well. I feel like I can't balance anything in my life.  I am either all about cleaning, paying off debt or I can diet for a week but get NOTHING else done.  And forget trying to run my business. I got a couple bookings for my MK and I was super excited cause it has been so long since I've had any but now as i sit here and start to think about losing weight I want to say Oh well I guess MK isn't meant to happen right now.  Why do I do this?  Mary Kay Ash said "No one plans to fail but they fail to plan" I know that meal planning and sticking to that meal planning is key to my eating and lack of options as well. But I also need to work out or I am not going to survive the color run and forget about the triathlon and doing better on the Warrior Dash.  It makes me angry just to think about how out of shape I am.  I was always the athletic one.  I was never the thin one, the pretty one or the smart one but I was very athletic so I kind of always claimed that for me.  I was listening to my iPod on the way down to the beach and Music makes me feel like me.  I feel like the music takes me back to who I once was when I was happy w/ me.  Now  again don't get me wrong I have an amazing blessed life and I have grown in so many ways. But the whole side that is important to my family isn't yet important to me.  And that is me.  I need to focus on me so I can make my family happier & heather.