Year in Review

Total Miles in 2015----101 miles

Hot Chocolate 15K- My first DNF

DNF- DID NOT FINISH. The Hot Chocolate 15K was possibly the most frustrating run I've done.  I went knowing I wasn't ready and that I couldn't keep the required pace but everyone told me I'd do better than I thought. I was NOT prepared!! I was doing OK until we hit the hill.  Literally from mile 1.5 to mile 5 is all up hill. This hill is so bad my friend who has completed the Boston Marathon said he was worried about Heart break hill. Every book I've read talks about this hill. He said he was preparing for it knowing it was somewhere between mile 20 and 21. Then some guy congratulated him on making it to the top of heart break hill and he said he didn't even notice it. I was shocked!!  Then asked if I'd did the Hot Chocolate 15K. When I said yes he said the hill in that is 10x worse than heart attack hill. O_O   At mile 2 I could see the police car opening up the road and I knew this wasn't good.

 I knew there were a group of people behind me so I felt as long as I keep them behind me I should be fine.  As we were coming up the last bit of the hill many people were already heading back down and lots were saying encouraging words to me and I was like, thats nice and strange.  We get almost to mile 5 and they turned me around early cutting almost 2 miles off of my run, meaning I DNF.  I started taking deep breaths as I turned around because I could feel the lump in my throat. Then I noticed that no one was behind me anymore. People where encouraging me because I was the end of the line, dead last. The people that had been behind me must have been picked up cause there was only the police.  I then started sobbing between breaths. I decided I could not accept the medal at the end. I was not feeling well and my arms where numb and tingly.

9.6 Mile Training Run

While this was not an event it was a very memorable run for me. This was the longest training run I did before my half.  And my husband rode his bike behind me as my support crew.

This is the first time my hubby really got to see how miserable I am while running. LOL!! I deal with so much pain for the first 3 miles that it makes me question my whole thought process about just doing shorter runs in 2016. I don't find my groove until around mile 4.  This is the run where I earned my 15K charm I had purchased for myself for the Hot Chocolate. 

Tinker Bell Half Marathon

This is what all my training was for, I was terrified.  Disneyland is my happy place. The place where hubby says as soon as we enter our hotel he can see all the muscles in my body relax. This felt very different cause while my body and mind wanted to realx and enjoy the happiest place on earth as we always do, there was a big dark 13.1 mile wide cloud over my head.  The link in the title will take you to my long very detailed post about the Half Marathon. But I finished it on my own two feet and can and forever say I completed a Half Marathon! And you better believe I wore that big medal all over the park that day!

Run A Muk

This was my first 5K with my Niece and Loki.  I was thinking back to the previous Run A Muk and how much pain I was in.  This was my first run since my half in May and it didn't feel like that big of a deal.  I mean it wasn't easy after sitting on my butt for 3 months and I walked 95% of. But it was like hay there's mile 1, mile 2 and yay mile 3.  I guess that is what a half will do to you, makes you feel like 3.1 miles and one hour walk is nothing at all.  I compared my time last year when I truly did my best to run 50% of the time and I was only 2 mins slower this year than last and I walked the whole thing! WTHeck!?!?!  

Avulsion Fracture

Not a run but the very next week I broke my finger and everything physical stopped. I had already been taking it real easy since May, like doing nothing. But now I was forced to do nothing! Almost 4 months have passed and my finger still isn't straight but it is doing better.  Now onto 2016 where my running plans are very different from last years. See ya on the other side. 

Future Goals

Since my last post I've tried to type a post quite a few times, I have about 5 saved, and I've gone though every process possible.   I went through the well just screw it, I just need to not even think of trying to do anything, all the way to wanting to start running again and even taking the step to contact my new trainer to start back at the gym.  Did I tell you that during my time off due to pinky injury my training got pregnant and stopped training at the gym and she referred me another trainer with the gym. She left me a message over a month ago but I was still on a strict no use policy and now my Dr has released me back to using my pinky, even though it won't go straight yet, I figure I could start lifting weights and get back on the treadmill.

My new trainer finally got back to me today and we are going to meet and discuss a plan but with the holidays we've haven't gotten together yet.  We have also been low on some of our favorite Advocare products so I was placing an order and decided to actually order the official 24 day challenge.  I've done the cleanse and tried to do the challenge in the past but kind of just pieced together my own kit, forgoing the meal replacement shakes.  This time I ordered the WHOLE thing.

I am so scared, worried, frustrated, intimidated and disappointed right now.  My past attempts that have all ended in failure. So I have a hard time feeling positive about having to start over yet again. I reached that magic weight were my body hates me.  I stepped on the scale a few days ago and it rang in at 181 and I thought NO WONDER!  The last few weeks I've been in pain, it is difficult to get off the couch, my hips and sciatic nerve is really bothering me, my XXL shirts are getting tight, I've lost all umph to do anything, heart burn is raging, loud snoring, When I weigh under 175 a lot of this goes away but right around 178 and up I start to feel miserable. My little frame is not meant to have this much weight on it.

I am working on a big list of goals, some of them maybe bucket list goals but still goals. And I have some secret projects I've been working on.  With only a few weeks left to this year they are jammed packed with parties, baking, work and Christmas of course.  Hubby and I have been talking allot about the next year and we have some BIG plans.

What's next?

I have finally gotten the go ahead from my Dr to start typing with my left hand again. So I am trying to figure out where to start with this whole blog post. It has been 2 months since my last post and I have had allot of time on my hand to think.  I started with the whole pity cycle of everything that has happened negative in the last 12 months and I am a shamed to admit I've spent a looooooooong time in this cycle. Getting lost in the frustration of everything that didn't happen and not focusing on the things that did.

Early last week I was having some struggles with my oldest son about school. And I found myself saying to myself and this is why I will never put my self first.  I feel like as long as my kids, family, house etc, have something that needs attention, I will put them first.  So how do you make yourself a priority when there are more important things that need your attention? And with the Holiday's approaching is it even possible to do so.  The thought of just waiting until the new year has crossed my mind but then I am telling myself the same diet lies as always. I've told myself I will spend the next two days planning and get back on the healthier path. Even with Thanksgiving just weeks away last year I lost weight on Thanksgiving week, no reason I can't do it again! I am still a firm believer in the WW plan and will go with that again.

It's funny, I've been planning this post for 2 months and it has gone nothing like this my head. But hey nothing is wrong with short and sweet.

Avulsion Fracture

Avulsion Fracture: A ligament or tendon and the piece of born it is attached to, pulls away from the main bone.

Where have I been you may ask? Well at several Dr appointments, surgery resulting in 2 pins and sutures up through my finger nail and I am now heavily medicated.


Breaking the bone wan't to painful, I've had worse pain in other situations.  But the pain that came from the surgery is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life!  I was literally sobbing for hours!  How did i manage to achieve this beauty you ask? Well this is what happens when your 60 lb 9 month old black lab puppy is running across the yead and you attempt to stop him by grabbing his collar tightly. he continued one direction while my finger tried to stay in the other direction and he won.  I grabbed my finger cause it hurt and when I felt myself move it back, heard and felt a pop, along with now something sharp pointing up at my skin, I knew I broke it.

The cast will stay on foe 10-14 days and I start hand therapy after that,with the pins staying in 4-6 weeks, not sure when I get to go back to work. I would assume after the pins come out would be the earliest.  What todo between now and then is the real question.

Am I a glutton for punishment??

After the 5K yesterday I found myself on active.com looking up 5K's and seeing that the Tinkerbell half still has spots open and thinking I wish I was doing the Pixie Dust challenge next year (10K on Saturday and half on Sunday)  Then I shake my head and tell myself to snap out of it! I remind myself how miserable I was during and after my half.   Why does it seem the endorphins from running hacks into the crazy part of our brain? I read somewhere to never make a promise when you're in a excellent mood. I think this is the only way most people sign up for a race. After a race is over you feel accomplished, happy and so glad it is done. Then you start thinking that wasn't so bad.

Today another runner at work that saw me at the Run a Muk, he has ran the Boston marathon w/ an 8 min pace O_O, asked me how my race was and what I am doing next.  This is someone who in my 9 years at my job he has hardly said two words to me but now we have something in common. He wanted to know if I was doing the River Run again this year, I told him no I will be on vacation but I loved that run last year.  As we talked I realized I have no plans for anything running wise.  BFF and I are going to do the Biggest Loser walk/run. She is going to do the Half and I am planning on the 5K.  They have a Walk Half Marathon option and they allow 5 hrs to complete the half marathon.  That is a 22 min pace and I can easily walk a 20 min pace.  I was just thinking I could so do that but then I have flash backs MILE 10 and how I don't know & still don't know how to fuel my body property. What am I thinking?!?!?! Am I a glutton for punishment?? I said NEVER AGAIN. Walking for 5 hrs keeping a good pace w/o breaks just sounds like forever.  The Tinkerbell took me 3:43 with a pace of 16:50. I am still baffled by the fact that yesterdays walked 5K was only 20 sec per mile slower and yet I walked it!!  How is that possible?

My next post is going to address my problem with my nutrition and diet and how I am falling into old habits that seem to go hand and hand with working out........over eating.

Run A Muk 2015

Yesterday we did the Run a Muk 5K. I still have not really ran since the Tinkerbell Half.  I have done a 10 min run/walk on the treadmill last week but that is it! I signed up for this because my Mom kind of wanted to do it again since we did it last year and my niece really wants to start running. We signed us up and as the weekend approached the weather report got really bad.  I woke up before my alarm that morning to the loud sound of the pouring rain. I called my Mom and told her to make sure my Niece was still wanting to do this in this weather and she was all in.  We headed out in the pouring rain and decided that it would be Loki's first 5K too.

It was raining and raining and then the time came for the run to start and the rain stopped!  It was the best weather, nice and cool, no rain or wind.  We walked the whole thing except for the last couple mins. We could see the finish line and my Mom asked if we wanted to run the rest so we did. We went and a slow pace and I noticed that I wasn't to tired or winded and my Mom was very quickly.  Made me feel like my work outs are making a difference in my muscles and my cardio even though I haven't been running. My niece was thrilled with her first 5K finish. She got her first bib and bling and wants more. I told her bibs and bling are what it's all about. ;-)   Loki did great made the whole 3.1 miles and no complaints or stopping. 

After we got home I was curios what my time was last year.  I remember last year I was in a ton of pain and I ran much more than I did this year. My pace was 17:10 vs last years 16:33.

Wait what!?!?!?!  2014 time 52:18 year 2015 time 54:25. You're telling me that this year I comfortably walked the whole thing and I came in only in 2 mins and 7 seconds later?? Now I wonder if it is my fitness level is helping or was it the lack of beating myself up?  I know I walk slower than a 17 min mile normally but this didn't feel like I was walking to fast. I know that mine pace when I run walk slows down to a 20-22 min mile when I walk. Is it the difference of just walking or has my fitness level have something to do with it? 

Never say this to you personal trainer.....

I was really looking forward to my work out today. I was feeling good about my workouts and I'm feeling myself getting stronger.  I checked in and she asked me if I was sore from our last work out, I was honest and said yeah but nothing like some of my first work outs. Her response "Good, that is a sign of fitness." Then she asked How are you feeling about your work outs do you dread them or look forward to them. Again I was honest and said actually I am looking forward to our work outs. Never tell your personal trainer that you were not sore and you were looking forward to your work out!!  Apparently theses statements mean that she should try to kill me. O_O

She had me doing these things called suitcase walk. I had two 26 lb kettle bells, one in each hand. Then would have to take two small lung steps, squat to put the kettle bells down, stand back up then squat to pick them back up and repeat 10 times.  My legs were like Jello by the 3rd rep of these things. Another one of the trainers at the gym said to me, those are hard! My trainers response was: "Isn't she strong!" I knew my muscles could do this but I felt like my heart was going explode. This proves to me yet again that my cardio still needs allot of work.  After my work out my trainer proudly exclaimed that this was the toughest work out she has had me do yet. I said yeah, ya think?

Just a short post today so I could remember what I accomplished today and hope that I can get the nutrition side of this thing going cause I think the work outs are going great!

Splendid...

I have been a consumer of nutra-sweet/aspartame most of my life. I started drinking Diet Pepsi because my Mom did when I was very young. I completely love the stuff. I enjoy it and crave it if I don't have it.  I have never been much of a fan of Diet Coke and then a few years ago Diet Coke started sweetening with Splenda and that stuff gives me a headache.  I would drink a Diet Coke and 15 mins into drinking it develop a nasty headache. This was fine with me cause it gave me a good excuse to just stick with my Diet Pepsi.  This past week I've been getting random headaches and I have been wondering what on earth is causing them.  Last Friday as I was opening my morning pop I read "NOW ASPARTAME FREE"  OH CRAP!!!! I panic and start frantically searching the ingredients  to see what they replaced it with and it is Splenda. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!   I came home and told hubby "Diet Pepsi is using Splenda now." He knows what that means so he asks well when are you going to quit drinking it? We stopped by the store for a couple things yesterday and I was on a hunt.  I started scouring thru all the 2 liters, 20 liters, and cans to see if they had any left with out the Splenda.  I found a 12 pack of cans still with good old aspartame. LOL!! I felt like an addict desperately looking for their next fix.

I know this stuff isn't good for me and I know when I don't drink it, it helps with the whole eating less and especially in the sweets department. This loss of Diet Pepsi will be a good thing but I am not happy about it. I have about 8 cans left and I am going to be so sad to see them go.  I really enjoy pop and worry I'll just end up drinking the full calorie stuff. I don't drink Wine, Beer or even coffee.  Pop is what I drink. Is that a valid excuse to drink the crap? No but it is my justification for it. So I will be parting with my sweet Diet Pepsi very soon.  Maybe this will help with my food consumption.

This next week is the start of my 4th week working out with my trainer and I have no weight loss to show for it yet.  Like I said in yesterday's post... I can feel my muscles defining and changing but my clothes are not fitting better yet and that scale hasn't moved in the direction I want it too.  Tonight as I packed up my bag to shower and get dressed after my work out in the morning I also packed my snacks and lunch for work.  I had told hubby tonight that just the thought of "dieting" makes me cranky.  I need to remind myself that all the times I succeeded really well on WW I didn't feel deprived at all.  I always going into panic MUST EAT IT ALL, mode when I'm about to start a diet. Tonight was no different but hopefully I can keep to tracking and being accountable thru my trainer and this blog.

Vanity just isn't enough....

Sorry for my absence as of late, I've been enjoying our summer and Hubby and I just had our 12th Wedding Anniversary.  Time to get back to to my blogging accountability. Things with my trainer are going great.  I am still seeing her twice a week. I can feel the change i my muscle definition however the scale has only gone up, which is super frustrating! I know it is because I am not managing my food intake. I am not pigging out but I am eating the 200-300 calories I burn at my work outs with her.  The other day she asked me if I am still feeling motivated to reach my goal and I had to be honest and tell her no.  So we were talking about finding my motivation and the fact that vanity is no longer enough motivation for me. I used to want to be thin so bad that was enough to motivate me. All those things that say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I've gotten to the point in my life where that is BS.

Now being skinny doesn't mean anything to me. For so long that was my only focus and motivation in my brain was to be thin.  I used to connect being thin to so many feelings of validation. In high school skinny= pretty, attention from boys, sharing my friends clothing, not being the fat friend anymore.  Then I found someone who loved me and then the idea of being thin was attached to being pretty and the fear of him leaving me, if I wasn't thin. Keeping in mind I have gained weight off and on our entire relationship.  Then for a short time at the beginning of our marriage I was just happy and content with who I was and where I was at, even though it was over weight.  After I had my first son the need to be skinny was back.  It was the last time I lost more than 10 lbs and kept it off for a while and even then the brain went right back to I need to be skinny to be pretty for my husband.  My self confidence dropped to non existent until I lost 30 lbs then I was back and I was on top of the world. I felt like hubby gave me more attention and was much more attracted to me which was only a confidence boost.  Now 12 years of marriage later I am very aware that my husband wasn't more attracted to me because I lost weight, he loves me unconditionally, however he finds my confidence extremely sexy and that is only around when I feel I look good.

Figuring out that just wanting to be thinner isn't enough to motivate me was an interesting realization. When I am searching for motivation, I look at old thinner pictures of me I remember a time when I was thinner.  No wonder I haven't found motivation to actually do something about it yet.  I am searching for my motivation in the wrong places.  My trainer challenged me to write down my goals and reasons I am really working out and trying to lose weight and then figure out what habits are keeping me from this goal. With these two items we can then make a plan of action to get to where I want to be.  I started writing things down like: To not worry about getting Type 2 diabetes, to get off blood pressure meds, to have normal blood pressure, to have energy to be the Wife, Mom and homemaker I've always wanted to be.  A very different perspective than I have ever looked at weight loss with.

I need to remind myself..

I have had some big highs and lows this last week, all resulting in over eating. I was feeling very down and frustrated.Last night as I was being cranky about everything I can't seem to accomplish I reminded myself I am a freaking half marathoner! I can and have accomplished amazing things. I can push thru and keep going when everything inmate is telling me to quit. I am capable of so much more than I think I am.  I finished 13.1 miles on my own two feet. The Tinkerbell half seems like forever ago. For weeks afterwards the fact that I completed it would be almost the very first thing I thought about. I still feel like if I could do that I can do anything.  I just need to remind myself of this more often.

I was talking to hubby about how I am a BIG picture person. I can see the end goal so clearly, I can taste it. But when it comes to the daily grind of things I have to do to get to said goal, I freak out and always figure one more day won't make a difference. But as I've said before days turn into weeks.  I sometimes miss how a week used to fee like it lasted FOREVER. When you are a kid, the school year felt super long and summer and Christmas took forever to get here. Now we live in the grown up world were time flies and we never have enough of it.  Before another year has come and gone I need to make the decision and do the daily NEED TO, to get the goal I WANT TO.

Something I am super proud of from this last week is the fact that including today I've been to the gym 3 times and 2 of them were before work on a Monday morning!!  I am not a morning person!

When I tell hubby about goals to get up and work out before work he says I love you and you should but are you going to? And I would respond probably not.  This morning I got up at 5:45AM. I have not been up at that time since we went to Disneyland for the Tinkerbell Half. And the urge to text a quick: I can't make it, I'm sick or something, so I can stay sleeping, was there and it was strong.  But I knew my trainer would be waiting for me and I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, avoiding work outs and weigh ins and over eating.  It may seem simple to most to get up and get to the gym but I am ridiculously proud of this.  Asked my trainer for some accountability with my eating because I am still struggling there. She will now be checking that at our appointments and I think that will help me because I am not willing to give up my training sessions I have committed to pay for, for the next 3 months so there is no avoiding her and being accountable. The only option is to  be accountable and start eating right.

Let's test you for that...

My first training session was two days ago. It was suppose to be just some measurements and mobility testing.  We spent some time catching up it had been over 5 years since we last worked out together. I was seeing her when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I started this whole blog after I had him so I've never talked about her. The last time I saw her I wasn't willing to listen. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know and I was just annoyed most the time I was at the gym.  I am surprised she reached out to me when she came back but I am very glad she did. I am in a very different place than I was 5 years ago, well not physically but mentally I am.

We looked at my body fat percentage and I learned that I have 75 lbs of fat on my body and that according to the scale at the gym I need to lose 53 lbs, 45 of that will be fat and 8 of it will be lean body mass.  She said that when you have as much weight to lose as I do, losing some lean body mass is inevitable. Also that I can't lose all my body fat because that wouldn't be healthy, but we are going to get me down to 24% body fat, I am right around 43% right now.   We got done with all the assessments early and had time for "part of a workout".  Well it wasn't even a whole work out and I can hardly walk.  Granted I think we did the majority of the leg portion of the work out but no upper body but still!  As we were scheduling my second appointment I wanted to keep on making appointments and she seemed a little surprised I was so eager to just sign up for training. But hubby had agreed that I can do what I need to do, and I know I need this!

During some of our visiting she asked me why am I ready to finally make the change now? My response was something that I don't know if I've really admitted to myself. I told her because what Drs had once said was a possible concern in the future has turned into lets test you for that.  I am now on blood pressure meds and with high blood pressure & Type 2 diabetes running in my family I am now to the age where I can't keep on putting this off. She asked if my Dr recommended that I diet and exercise to help with my blood pressure and I told her nope.  And she shook her head and said they never seem too.

I am now excited and scared all at the same time.  The last time I put this kind of money out for something weight loss related was the last time I lost weight. I feel more obligated to this than just my gym membership this is allot of extra money and I feel more concerned about not doing it.  I am making a serious investment in myself for these work outs and I need to not waste them by eating the calories I burn, like I did with my half marathon training.

200 sticks of butter

I know I've talked about this before but it came up again and it is such a vivid explanation, I wanted to share it again.  The other day Hubby and I were talking about the weight we both need to lose. He started the conversation, he just completed the STP (Seattle to Portland bike ride) for the 4th year and the 2nd time he has done it in about a 15 hr period of time. Every year he says I need to lose ____ lbs by next STP. He was talking about how he has about 30 lbs to lose and I told him I have allot more than that. I need to lose 50 lbs, as we drove I was trying to visualize the weight I need to lose. I often try to justify the fact that so many people need to lose so much more than I do. Watching people on shows like Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser make me feel like I'm not SO bad.  I remembered that 4 sticks of butter is a pound and about looks like fat.  I started doing the math in my head 4x50=200.  I then exclaimed to my husband that I have 200 sticks of butter to lose.  I then tried imagining attaching 200 sticks of butter to my body. I don't even know how I would go about doing it.  If I consider that I have minimal fat on my arms and legs that means I probably have 85% of my "sticks of butter" from my double chin to my gut.  I told hubby I wanted to go buy 200 sticks of butter so I could take a picture of it for motivation and this blog post of course, he laughed and said no. LOL!  But that is what I have all over my body and organs. It makes me feel kind of sick about it all.  This thought process really sent me into a downward spiral of feeling awful about myself. I started beating myself up: How could you let yourself get to this point, You just keep failing, If you would have stuck to something you wouldn't be having this conversation with yourself.  This was all making me depressed and feeling extreamely self-conscious, making me want to shut down and not see anyone or do anything.

Then out of the blue I got a phone call. I didn't recognize the number so I normally don't answer but hubby insisted, for some reason, that I do answer it.  It was my old personal trainer from about 5 years ago. She is coming back to the gym I belong to and offered me a free session. I booked it on the spot for this next Thursday.  That phone call gave me a little bit of hope that some how I can turn all this around. I want to be strong, I want to have muscle, I want to be healthy and full of energy.  The only person in my life that has ever told me I can't do this is myself and I know I can do this. Do I need help? Obviously!

5 of the diet lies we tell ourselves.....

If you're like me, we have our goto reasons/excuses or the lies we tell ourselves that allow us to cheat on, quit or just not start our diets all together.

LIE #1:  I'll start on Monday

We've ALL have said this or used this one.  It is a lie there is no reason you have to wait until Monday. Some even take it a step further that well It's the 20th of the month might as well just start next Month.  For me this lie triggers binge eating and weight gain.  I try to make my weekend before my diet worth it by eating all the foods I will not be able to eat anymore. So I binge on all my favorite fast food and sweets.  Then when I mess up Monday because my cravings are so incredibly strong, after feeding them all weekend, I then wait until next Monday and repeat trying to think of more foods I want to eat before I can't eat them anymore.  There is no better day than TODAY to start. All the  reasons you have to wait until Monday are lies. If you look for them those same excuses they will be there on Monday to try to keep you from starting. So Start NOW!

LIE #2:  I just don't have time to cook healthy meals, I'm just too busy.

This is my go to reason for eating out and not packing my breakfast, lunches or not meal planning at all. I'm a busy working Mom, by the time I get home it's late, I don't want to or have time to cook.  I know from past weight loss success, how important it is to cook and prepare meals at home.  It is simple when you know exactly what is going into your food you know how many calories to track. But the truth is we all have time to eat healthy. The time you spend on your phone or computer alone is enough time to pack your lunch and prepare/cook meals.  Once I was asked to journal my time I spent during the day doing things, anything. The time it takes you go to and from work, time it takes to run you kids about. If I sat down to watch TV you quickly jot down the time you start and then went you leave that & do something else jot down the time. When you pick up your phone, iPad or computer to surf the web or Facebook write down the time.  If you can commit to doing this just for a day it is very eye opening.  It makes you realize how much time you sit on your ass doing nothing. I figured that the time I have after I put the kids to bed, when I usually sit down and spend an hour or so on my computer, is the time I could be pulling out dinner from the freezer for the next day and making my lunch.  We all have time it just means forfeiting some computer or TV time. In the long run preparing your meals will not only save you money but it'll help you on your quest to health. Which would you rather have??? Weight loss or knowing who won biggest loser? 

LIE #3:  It was just a bite I don't need to track it or count it..... Or I know what 5oz looks like I don't need to weigh it, Or that looks like about a cup.

LIES ALL LIES!!! As much as I think that one Hershey kiss won't do any damage, it is that plus the one handful of trail mix, the two bites of Mac & Cheese from my kids plate etc... You add all these things together and it does make a difference. At one of my WW meetings they said that 99% of all plateaus the run into at WW are from not tracking everything thing you snack on, not measuring & weighing your portions.  Another part of the problem comes this with all those low calorie snacks we love to eat. My current obsession is: Boomchickpop Kettle corn. It is only like 70 calories a cup!  Before you know it I've eaten the whole bag, and that defeats the whole only 70 calories a serving. Just cause it is low calorie doesn't mean you don't need to portion it out. But we tell ourselves it's just a bite.  If your struggling with a plateau go back to the basics and weigh, measure and track everything.

LIE #4:  It's not fair that others can eat what ever they want & I can't!!

I am guilty of saying this ALL THE TIME!!!  When we would go out to eat with friends and they order the cheese fries and bloomin onion at Outback and I am ordering my meal light style with no butter, it makes me angry.  I would become so consumed with the fact that I can't and they can, and stay skinny, it would be all I could think about the rest of the meal.  Resulting normally in some binge eating at home that night. Telling myself I was good at dinner I deserve a treat.  But have you really paid attention to the eating habits of thinner people?? If we are honest we know they don't always eat like the do when they go out. They have the moderation thing figured out! So when they go out they are able to because they've chosen to eat healthy the rest of the week.  As I've gotten older I have noticed more and more what people snack on at work.  The people who are thinner and heathy have fruits and veggies they are snacking on. They are eating smaller meals through out the work day, they bring lunches from home.  There are very few people in life that actually can just eat what ever they want with out weight gain. We have to stop telling this lie to our selves, it only causes a pity party that has no real cause.

LIE #5:  I can be happy just the way I am....

I have tried several times to convince myself of this. Telling myself that if I could just be happy this way life would be so much simpler. I think this is one of the most harmful lies I tell myself. I do believe you should love your self where you are and maybe you could be happy but to fool yourself into believing that it is healthy to be overweight is not OK.  I have been diagnosed as "healthy" most of my overweight adult life.  If a Dr. says maybe you need to lose weight most people go off the handle and get all kinds of upset saying can you believe he said that to me?!?!  Because of this the true reason for most of our strange ailments is treated with medications that don't fix the real problem.  I've been dianosed healthy for so long literally over a 2 week period I went from being told I was fine to being put on blood pressure meds.  I was very surprised and upset.  When I questioned them putting me on blood pressure meds for what must have been an isolated event they showed me my records and I've had higher than normal blood pressure for over a year. And because it  seems to be going up they decided it was time to treat it.  The #1 cause of high blood pressure is being overweight. The best way to treat high blood pressure? Diet and exercise... Did anyone ever say anything like that? Nope.  This lie is the one that would cause me to wake up one day with Type 2 Diabetes. This lie is the most dangerous of them all. 

I decided on Thursday enough is enough it is time to start TODAY!! So even with the 4th being just a couple days later I started tracking everything I ate.  I've singed up for two 5K's and am starting the C25K program again. As hard as running was and as much as I hated it at times, I am starting to really miss the way it made me feel.  

Fitness is an escalator

It has been 5 weeks since the Tinker Bell Half Marathon and I have yet to put my running shoes back on.  My treadmill is collecting dust and the room that it is in is become a catch all.   After I missed the 10K the week after the half. I was like oh well, I completed my half in Disneyland I deserve some time off.  After the first two weeks I had convinced myself that I would not be running again. I kind of always thought that once this was done I would be done running.  I even told hubby that I figure I may do a 5K here and there and use the treadmill for some light cardio but my training days are behind me.

The weeks have gone by and I have been the queen of maintenance, my weight only fluctuating a pound or two. However, the muscle, that was starting to be so clearly defined, in my legs is gone. My clothing is not fitting as well, my stomach seems to be growing even w/o any weight gain. I'm feeling sluggish and lazy.   I am losing everything I achieved during training.

Fitness is really like going up a downward escalator.  You know what I am talking about, admit it....you've ran up the down escalator at a department store.  How is fitness an escalator?? Think back to when you were younger and decided to run up the escalator. You were excited and took off attacking the steps. Normally this is how we all start a diet or a new exercise routine, with excitement and running full force. As you train, if your doing it right, things never get easier.  You will get faster and stronger but things won't get easier. And no mater how long you run up that downward escalator, it will not give you a break, it doesn't get easier to fight against the downward flow.  And if you take a break on one what happens????  That's right you slowly start going back down to where you started.  You stopped your work outs and you lose strength, endurance and muscles.

Now the escalator looks more daunting and difficult. You think about how hard it was and why would you want to try that again.  That is where I am right now!! My treadmill looks so daunting knowing it's about time to start all over again.  But I still think back to when I was in my running prime and that wasn't even for the Half.  It was back last June about a year ago when I had been consitant with my training and I was actually getting faster and feeling stronger.  I miss that felling.  I miss the whole progression and getting better at things. I am craving those feelings again.  Even though that escalator doesn't look like much fun this time around I must get back on it.

An unfortunate experiment....

Last Thursday I was doing a Costco run and this XXL bag of M&M's was calling my name it was on a great sale. And the laziness in me justified buying them because then I wouldn't have to stop somewhere else to fulfill my chocolate craving.  Needless to say I've been eating massive quantities of said M&M's.  Brining pretty full baggies to work and eating a handful whenever I passed the bag in the kitchen.  Friday I realized I was cranky, moody, hating my job and being antisocial. Now I do not really enjoy my job any day but I've been dealing with it better in the last few weeks and now I was back to being ready to walk out the door.  I started to wonder if chocolate was making me hate my job?  I know it sounds crazy but it gets even a little crazier. On top of being really moody I also felt like my heart was racing and I had that buzz about me that I would normal attribute to anxiety but I wasn't having the anxiousness that goes along with it (Again, all praise to Jesus for that). I decided to take my blood pressure.

Just a week or so ago my blood pressure was completely in normal range 122/79, last night it was 150/105  O_O  That is NOT GOOD!!  I called my Mom to see what she thought cause my Dad has high blood pressure and so I thought maybe she would have some knowledgable thoughts to add.  She asked me what I've been eating. I was honest and since last Thur when I decided to do WW again I've been eating allot of Junk and SO many M&M's.   She tells me that sugar will make your blood pressure go up faster than salt will.   WHAT?!?!?!?!  I've never heard of such a thing! Part of me thought that is crazy.  But in the desperate attempt to lower my blood pressure today I did an experiment. I ate no processed sugar all morning and into the afternoon. Took my blood pressure to get a 122/89, not quite good blood pressure but much better.  Part two of the experiment: It has been about 3 hours since dinner and I had a handfull of M&M's, it's been about a half an hour since then and I just took my blood pressure to find it back up at 138/92.  Well crap!!!  Even though it was only a 24 hr experiment it is enough results that I realize I have to give up sugar for the most part. I am sure every now and then some sugar will be fine but the massive quanitites of it I've been eating has to go. My body has spoken, it is heart racing, high blood pressure, my moods are horrible. It is not the results I wanted.  I've known for years that eating to much sugar makes my anxiety way worse but now I have to admit to myself that sugar and me are not getting along right now.

It just keeps getting better

Yesterday I got up and got dressed as if I was in High School. My work is having "Spirit" days and it was dress up as your favorite decade day. I chose the 90's. I really enjoyed High School.  G

High School was before I needed medication for my depression or anxiety, before I started emotional eating, before I gained all my weight. For the last 3 weeks I have been depression and anxiety FREE!! I feel 100% like the real me, and I haven't felt that way in quite a while. For years, dare I say over a decade, there have been glimpses of me but my depression and anxiety has kept her at bay.  I don't sit around worrying and obsessing. Just a little over a month ago if I was sitting around to much I would fall into the trap of starting to think to much and start digging myself into the depths of depression.  I've been on medication off and on for years and even with that it never seemed to go completely away.  It helped and made my quality of life way better but it still wasn't the 100% the me that hubby fell in love with all those years ago. And he noticed it the most cause while out in public or with friends I could bring myself to the surface but underneath there was always the struggle.  My "normal" was living in a constant state of fear, and worry.  And it has been 100% GONE for 3 whole weeks!!!

What did I do different you maybe asking yourself.  That is the greatest part of all......absolutely NOTHING!!  No new medication or upped dosage, no new routine, no new exercise, stress in my life didn't all of a sudden disappear.  For years I've been on meds, tried avoiding certain foods, exercising all these things they say help with anxiety and depression and I never saw results like I have had for the last few weeks. This is a 100% God thing.  I don't know how or why but after years of prayer that God would take away these debilitating issues He finally did.  I am giving all the glory to God because there is no other explanation for it.

I've even had no weight loss results from the cleanse phase of the 24 day challenge.  And I am eating the right foods but I might be over eating the allowed foods. In the past 7 days of dieting w/o results would have thrown me into a downward spiral.  I would have been cranky this whole week and that hasn't happened either.  I am feeling optimistic about it all.  Taking it in a realizing ok I really do need to track and just can't do it with the simply filling plan where I just eat the safe foods, I find myself snacking all day long on them.  So time to get back to tracking and the Points Plus system with WW.  I am going to continue with the vitamin supplements of the 24 day challenge but going back to the WW food plan. I know it works so might as well go back to it and keep moving forward.  I don't have that urge to go on a major binge, I don't have the urge to just mope around. I am excited to finally start going to the gym on a regular basis and can't wait to get an exercise routine going.

So onward we go, into new work out plans and back to Points Plus!!

If I had only known it would have taken 13.1 miles

I am on day 4 of my 24 day Challenge and things are going just good, like really good.  The only thing I've been doing to much of is having to much of my low fat popcorn as a snack but other than that. I am not cranky about dieting at all.  We went to Starbucks for breakfast the other morning and I wanted my normal Bacon and Gouda breakfast sandwich and passion tea lemonade w/ sweetener and my order included both of these items but the Passion tea was for my oldest and the sandwich for my hubby. I ordered a water and the protein power pack and at the hardboiled egg and fruit out of that. Who am I???  It is so interesting and different this time around. Every time I feel a little frustrated and craving some junk, I just shake it off.  I shake my head and say no and that is the end of it.

The 10 day cleanse of the 24 day challenge has changed from fiber drink 6 days(3 at the beginning and 3 at the end) to all 10 days.  I was a little concerned because I have to gag the stuff down. Like I throw it up back in to my mouth while drinking it and have to swallow it again. But this is the new unflavored stuff and it is amazing! I drink it just with water and have no problems drinking it at all.  I've eaten out only once in the last 4 days and I special ordered so everything was on my diet.  I am actually looking forward to completing this. I have been behind on taking before pics and measurements but i haven't lost much weight yet, so still time for that.

I told BFF I think I am going to eventually have to blog about how after I ran my first half marathon I finally was successful at losing weight.  If I had only know it would have taken 13.1 miles to get this going, I might have done a half marathon long ago.  But I believe in God's perfect timing and I may not have been ready mentally before now to complete a half marathon.  Saying I did it still brings a little feeling of shock and awe. And I can't get over the feeling that after that having to not eat certain foods isn't that big of a deal.

Time for another challenge....

I've always been able to do anything I've put my mind to. I just normally don't feel like putting gin the effort into things. With Half Marathon training behind me I am thinking it is time for my next challenge. I have ordered the full 24 day challenge from Advocare. I've done the cleanse in the past (days 1-10) but never the whole 24 day challenge.  I am curious to see what my results will be after completing the full 24 days. My desire to cling to the option to cheat always brings me back to weight watchers. I love weight watchers because I believe they teach you how to eat in real life. HOWEVER, with WW I binge one to two days a week. Every start of each new week I eat all my weekly points in 3 days tops. That also doesn't include the activity points from all my long runs I was eating as well. I was getting what seemed to be a ridiculous amount of activity points, it was basically like they were giving me all the calories I'd burned back to me in points.That kind of defeats the purpose of working out.

The 24 day challenge has calls for no refined sugars & no white starches. Lean proteins, fruits, veggies and whole grains. So basically the WW simply filling plan but with Vitamin packs for days 11-24.  The hardest thing for me will be to just cut out all the junk. with the normal WW plan I still had access to the junk as long as I counted the points. I am thinking that at least for the 24 day challenge I will cut it all out.  That should help me break some of these bad habits and then I can go back to the normal WW plan and be using my weekly points smarter.  I know I can do this but it is going to take some work and yeah it is going to suck for about the first 4-5 days.  I seem to remember the 5 day is when I started getting easier last time I did the cleanse. I keep on returning to Advocare products because they are truly amazing.  Incase anyone wants to join me here is a link to my website: Build your own 24 day challenge

BEWARE..... The 24 day challenge calls for measurements so the next post may include new before pics as well.

Half Marathons and Child Birth

They say after child birth your body releases a hormone to make you forget the pain so that you'll be willing to have children again.  Both of my boys were born via c-section and the 13 hrs of labor I had with my oldest really wasn't that bad. BFF always says she compares things to child birth. She says I gave birth, I can do this, this is nothing compared to that.  With her Daughter there was no time for an epidural and she had this moment of Nope I can't do this, the baby is going to have to stay inside. She had to push thru that mental and emotional wall and push that little girl out.

I've never been in a situation where I haven't had an option to back out or choose the easy way and I always take it.   To me a c-section was the easy way and when the Dr. said it I was very willing to sign that paperwork.  Even as a child, in my parents attempt to protect me I was always given an way out of anything that scared me or was difficult. Anxiety runs in my family and so mine was nurtured, if anything made me feel uneasy or anxious I didn't have to do it.  I have never had a situation where I did something I thought wasn't possible and had to push thru and continue when I didn't want to.

Now I have Mile 10. At mile 10 I wanted to quit, sit curled up in a ball and just sob, there was no reason for me to continue, everything in my brain was telling me you can't do this, you've never done this. To the point that I had justified why I shouldn't keep going.  It took more than I had in me to keep going.  I was praying that God would just keep my legs moving and keep the vomit down. No one forced me to keep going, no one would blame me for quitting. If any of my family would have seen me at mile 10 they would have told me to just stop.  But I didn't stop, I push thru that mental and emotional wall and I didn't think it was possible. Even still I am surprised that I did it. I am sure the pain of childbirth is much worse than running a half marathon. But I find that the mental/emotional wall to be very similar, and then there is that hormone that is released that I talked about.........

I mentioned in my last post that the Tinker Bell Half Marathon was the hardest thing I've EVER done.  While it was a blast while in the park, I swore I would NEVER EVER do another half again!
Yet here I am less than a week out and I find myself thinking: it might have been not so horrible if I had stuck to training. Our Annual passes are good thru next years Tinker Bell Half and the 10K is so easy maybe the Pixie Dust Challenge wouldn't be too hard.  Maybe next year..... WAIT WHAT???? What is wrong with me?!?! I must be losing my mind!!

 

Tinker Bell Half Marathon (long post lots of pics)

Where do I begin??? I have been planning and preparing for this day for almost a year. I signed up last August scared out of my mind. Started training, failed at training, restarted training, suffered anxiety attacks, injury's and many tears, but after all is said and done, I DID IT!!

An FYI for my readers: BFF had a recent bicycle accident. She was on a bike ride and went across some trolly tracks and they grabbed her bike wheel and stopped her bike but not her. So she flew off her bike and literally broke her face. She had a follow up appointment with a Dr three days before our Half Marathon. She was told she should not run at ALL if she must do it she must walk it.  I told hubby this may be a very good thing for me because her fast walk is my jog.  She has already blogged about This half and said that she believed it happened for a reason because she was able to to stay with me the whole run which is good because I needed her with me but we'll get to that....

The night before we left for Disneyland I only had 1 1/2 hrs of sleep and we were up early and to the airport for our early flight. Spent all day at Disneyland and the park was open until midnight. We ended up staying until about 10PM and headed back to our room. I was unable to sleep and was so nervous about the next morning. I set everything out so I could sleep in as long as possible. Ended up with only 3 hours of sleep that night.

The next morning came so are early and so quickly, I was up eating my breakfast, Hubby got up and helped me get ready and I felt absolutely ill.  As we waited for our corrals turn to start we watched the sun rise.

My before pic is much more chipper than my after.
BFF needed her coffee still, lol!

                  

By the time we crossed the start line it was a little over an hour after the official start and fireworks. We crossed the start line and the first 6 miles was a party!  They were mostly all on Disney property, in the park and "back stage".  I loved being back stage and seeing everything I don't normally get to see. Music was everywhere, cast members & Characters were everywhere cheering us on.  It was impossible not to enjoy every second of those first 6 miles. Besides being back stage one of my favorite things that happened was when a group of cast members in a backstage area that noticed my shirt and started cheering for Baymax(me!). I threw my arms up and BFF was laughing as the cheers continued. I couldn't be even more happy with my outfit choice. The cheers for "Baymax" happened more than once on our 13.1 miles.  At one point some said "You are fast Baymax! You can do this!", LOL!! Here are some pics from the first 6 miles.

Carsland

Lighting & Mater

Backstage 

Tinkerbell

Jogging thru Fantasyland

Dancing by Tower of Terror

 

We exited the parks into Downtown Disney and then we made the dreaded turn of silence.  After mile six we entered residential area and there were signs everywhere staying "SHHHHH Neighbors Sleeping"

And so began the quietest 2 miles of my life.  No music, no cheering, no talking between runners. It sucked the life out of you. We went from super High energy to silence.  I could start to feel a blister forming on my foot and my toe and my bra starting to rub my skin raw.  By the time we got past the 2 miles of silence and we were coming upon cheering sections for us again I wasn't doing well.  BFF had warned me that after mile 10 everything was different.  I thought I will be fine because there is only a 5K left at that point and I can do that, I was VERY wrong.

We were just about to hit mile 10 and I started sobbing. BFF asked if I was going to be sick and I told her between sobs that I was just freaking out.  I felt like I cried for the whole next mile.  We had pacers telling us how far ahead of pace required to finish we were, and it was slowly slipping away from us. At one point we were 8 mins ahead, after two potty breaks we were down to 3 min a head of pace then my freak out mile took us to only 1 1/2 mins ahead of pace. At this point the tram that picked people up who can't finish, was in sight. It was still a ways away but we could see it, which only made my freak out worse.  We passed the Cliff sponsored water stop and they were handing out Cliff energy shots. I hate them but BFF made me take one saying I would thank her in a mile. It did not seem to work!! I am not sure if it was the energy shot, exhaustion or nerves but I felt like I was going to puke for entire the next 3 miles.  I just wanted to stop or at least slow it way down.  The thought of getting this far just to fail started haunting me. I don't remember saying anything the rest of the run. Mile 12 we were back onto the park property and I thought that would help but this last mile felt impossible. The fact that it was another 1.1 miles just made me sick.  Here is where I don't think I could have done it with out BFF. She took my hand and literally kept me going for the last 1.1 miles.  I would let go every now and then to jog a little but then I would start to walk and her hand would come back to grab mine to make sure I didn't slow down to much. Mile 13 wasn't even exciting for me cause I still had point freaking one to go.  Then we could see the finish and I could feel it welling up inside me.

Then it happened we finished and I started sobbing the ugliest cry you have ever seen. Unfortunately marathonfoto.com has proof of it as well, I didn't post that one. I had done it! I had carried myself on my own two feet for 13.1 miles and earned my finisher medal. It was the hardest thing I have ever done! I have had two babies but both via c-section so when I say this is the hardest thing I've ever done I mean EVER!

At 10 miles I was certain it was over and there was no way I could continue. My brain was screaming at me to stop, that it wasn't possible to finish, you've never done it before, you didn't train enough, you did well and more than most people would ever think of doing, it's ok if you don't finish.  My muscles were fine, my asthma was fine, my feet were throbbing, I was pretty sure the chaffing from my bra had broken my skin but there was no reason my body couldn't go another 3.1 miles.  That was the most difficult 5K of my life and I am including my first one.  One year ago on Mothers Day I did my first 5K and a year later on Mother's Day I completed my first Half Marathon. 

After we got our medals they handed out, snacks, cold towels & bags of ice and we sat down. I was so glad it was done. I called my parents and hubby to let them know I was done and I could still barely talk with out starting to sob again. It was about 10AM at this point and my boys were eagerly waiting to go back to Disneyland. We limped back to my hotel to shower. I got to the hotel and verified that my skin along my bra had ripped open around almost half my body, The blister on my foot is the biggest blister I've ever had and 3 days later and it still hurt.  I showered got some food in me that made me feel better because I was feeling nauseated still.  It is safe to say I haven't figured out how to fuel properly on a long distance run. I shouldn't feel so nauseated. My orginal walk/run training plan by Jeff Galloway had me running 14 miles before the half and I didn't want to run a half marathon before my Half Marathon event. Hal Higdon only has you run up to 10 miles and that is the training I ended up doing but I now understand why Jeff's training has you do more.  I would have known how to deal with the mental and emotional wall I hit at 10 miles.  I would have figured out fueling better because I would have ran further than 10 miles for 4 of my training runs. But you live and learn.  I've told every one NEVER AGAIN!! The 10K's they offer would be great cause that was just one big party, I'd do that again no problem. Hubby told me to Never say Never.  I still don't know if I'll ever do another Half Marathon again.  If I did I would like to be in better shape and do more training on miles past the 10 mile wall. I guess we'll see, there could be another half in my future just not any time soon.

We wore our medals all day at the park and so many people congratulated us on our Half.  I spent a late night at the park with hubby while my parents took my kids back to the room and put them to bed. By the end of the night I was feeling so exhausted. I calculated that in the last 65 hours I had only had 4.5 hrs of sleep and had done my first half marathon. 

My fitbit told me ended up with at almost 27 miles for the day. Total miles for the entire trip Disneyland was just over 45 miles.  I've been home for two days and my feet are finally starting to not hurt any more. My blister is trying to go away and my bra line is all scabbed up and healing. I expected my muscles to be much sorer than they are but they haven't been bad at all.  Literally every morning since the Half, I remind myself that I did it.  I still can't believe I did it.  Thinking about 13.1 miles still seems and feels impossible, but I did it!