Vanity just isn't enough....

Sorry for my absence as of late, I've been enjoying our summer and Hubby and I just had our 12th Wedding Anniversary.  Time to get back to to my blogging accountability. Things with my trainer are going great.  I am still seeing her twice a week. I can feel the change i my muscle definition however the scale has only gone up, which is super frustrating! I know it is because I am not managing my food intake. I am not pigging out but I am eating the 200-300 calories I burn at my work outs with her.  The other day she asked me if I am still feeling motivated to reach my goal and I had to be honest and tell her no.  So we were talking about finding my motivation and the fact that vanity is no longer enough motivation for me. I used to want to be thin so bad that was enough to motivate me. All those things that say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I've gotten to the point in my life where that is BS.

Now being skinny doesn't mean anything to me. For so long that was my only focus and motivation in my brain was to be thin.  I used to connect being thin to so many feelings of validation. In high school skinny= pretty, attention from boys, sharing my friends clothing, not being the fat friend anymore.  Then I found someone who loved me and then the idea of being thin was attached to being pretty and the fear of him leaving me, if I wasn't thin. Keeping in mind I have gained weight off and on our entire relationship.  Then for a short time at the beginning of our marriage I was just happy and content with who I was and where I was at, even though it was over weight.  After I had my first son the need to be skinny was back.  It was the last time I lost more than 10 lbs and kept it off for a while and even then the brain went right back to I need to be skinny to be pretty for my husband.  My self confidence dropped to non existent until I lost 30 lbs then I was back and I was on top of the world. I felt like hubby gave me more attention and was much more attracted to me which was only a confidence boost.  Now 12 years of marriage later I am very aware that my husband wasn't more attracted to me because I lost weight, he loves me unconditionally, however he finds my confidence extremely sexy and that is only around when I feel I look good.

Figuring out that just wanting to be thinner isn't enough to motivate me was an interesting realization. When I am searching for motivation, I look at old thinner pictures of me I remember a time when I was thinner.  No wonder I haven't found motivation to actually do something about it yet.  I am searching for my motivation in the wrong places.  My trainer challenged me to write down my goals and reasons I am really working out and trying to lose weight and then figure out what habits are keeping me from this goal. With these two items we can then make a plan of action to get to where I want to be.  I started writing things down like: To not worry about getting Type 2 diabetes, to get off blood pressure meds, to have normal blood pressure, to have energy to be the Wife, Mom and homemaker I've always wanted to be.  A very different perspective than I have ever looked at weight loss with.