Today my work schedule changed from a M-F 12:30-5:30 shift that I hated to a much better shift of 8-2:30 w/ Wed off! I get to pick my kids up from school and have a day off during the week, this is a very good change. Yet this morning I was filled with anxiety! I could't believe it I was so anxious about the fact that I wasn't going to be brining my kids to school anymore and that I have to get up early. This shift solves so many stresses I was having with my Mom for my childcare. This is better all around but I was freaking out this morning and most of the day. Today at work I was trying to calm myself realizing this anxiety was just silly because this is a good change. I felt the stirring in my gut that this was a Ah-ha moment. I've been wanting to lose weight and change my eating habits for the better. I have all these reasons I say "I know" that hold me back. Lack of self worth, fear of failure, lack of control. I've addressed these in previous blog post and came to conclusions that 1. being a better me is the best way to get my self worth back, 2. The rewards far out weight the any failure or set back I may run into & I am in control and need to grab that control and stop letting food control me. All this is well and good and yet I am not doing what I want & need to be doing to reach my goals. Could the real root of all this be my strong aversion to change?
If I can, I avoid change. I like things to stay the same, it feels safe. For the last about year and a half our lives have been only constant change. Between hubby's business trips, job changes, schedule changes from week to week, my work changing my schedules now, having to put my dog down, DS1 having trouble in school last year and this school year realizing we have some work ahead of us to help him, DS2 starting preschool and had a very hard time with it at first. The only thing I could control and not change is what I ate. Yes it may have derived from feeling a loss of control but that feeling came from all the change we've been experiencing. I shrunk back, stopped reaching for my dreams or goals because I wanted to feel safe and have the constant change stop! In this last year and a half I haven't been on meds until my break down in Sept. Now almost two months into my meds, it truly is like a fog has lifted and I can always see clearer.
As much as I hate change it is a necessary evil. It sucks but I need to suck it up. The next 3 months no ones schedule is going to change. DH has a a new regular schedule w/ his new job, my job is set in store for the next 3 months, the boys are in school and doing well in school. And we are entering "the most wonderful time of the year"!!!! I love everything about Nov & Dec. The family time, shopping, crafts, baking, wrapping & giving. Feeling very positive tonight. Feeling empowered to take the next 3 months by storm.
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