Since of entitlement

Well yesterday I went on a 21 mile bike ride and did 7 laps in a pool, stopping each time I reached an end of course. So it was a great day for exercise. I was kind of in a funk in my mind most of the day. DH even got very frustrated w/ me at the end of the night after we had a whole day together w/o kids and finished at a movie I was still in a bad place. You would think will all that exercise my endorphins would have been up improving my mood but not enough that my brain & anxiety couldn't take it away.  My anxiety has been stupid for the last 3 weeks or so. Basically since we got home from vacation.  It is driving me crazy & I am sure it is driving DH crazier than he is telling me at this point. My home is suffering & my diet is suffering. It hasn't even been a week and yesterday after our ride my BFF is using a WW app and she says you should do this with me cause it'll give you more food for all your working out. That is something I love about WW. So I paid and downloaded it. Then went to a movie at Cienebar and had my philly cheese steak sandwich, potato skins and some french fries. This morning I gained 1.2 lbs. So This morning I did really well, not so bad a lunch. Then dinner I was planning on Taco Salads. Well I sent DH to Taco Time instead and thought well I can eat my mexi fries & use my weekly points.  Tonight the scale is 181.2 so I'll be luck to see 180 tomorrow and 181.2 is almost 3 lbs gain in the last 2 days.   Am I blowing it already. What is it about exercise that gives me that since of entitlement to eat food. I mean I know when we work out we do need to eat more calories to keep our metabolisms happy but for crying out loud.  So I am going to try to stick to the plan for the rest of the week. I put my start date as for the week since that is when I started juicing.

I've been praying allot for help w/ my anxiety and health.  I just get so overwhelmed and tried to fix it. My devotions have all been about not fearing and trusting in God and that is so where I am at right now is fighting the fear.   I have such a long road ahead of me and it is so hard to take the small steps I need to take. I want to leap to where I want to be and it is just not an option when it comes to my healthy, my business or anything along those lines.  And this is what has always kept me in the same place. My BFF had an interesting theory about me not finding the time, energy or worth to lose weight. I feel guilty about the idea of being in shape when the rest of my family is over weight.  I don't know if she is correct yet.  She got this theory because I feel this way about money. When DH & I first were married I felt very guilty that we could live comfortably because that isn't what I grew up with. And about 6 months ago I started the Rut Busting corse (which I have yet to finish) and it talked about how if we each a certain point in anything we are uncomfortable like Money. We all have a set amount that we think is ok but if we make more than that our minds find ways to get rid of it because it is uncomfortable.  That hit me hard because it explained how you can make more money but still never have enough. It was shortly after that we made a big turn around in our money situation and it is going great. So now my BFF thinks the theory is true w/ my weight loss.   DH thinks there might be something to her theory but I think it is still more about the facts that it is so hard to put my needs before my family but in my blog post  Asking hard questions that ultimately I know putting myself first is putting my family first.

This daily fight is so difficult. Yet I know if I could just make it 30 days it would become an easier fight.