Weigh in.

Well even w/ eating at cinnabar on Saturday and a large taco salad & chips and salsa last night my weigh in wasn't to bad. I weighed in at 177.2!! That is a weight loss of 2.6 lbs for this week. So it could have been higher if I had actually not splurged on my eating but not to bad for what I've eaten this week. Today I ate a candy bar and I shouldn't have but trying to focus on not derailing completely. I could have not lost any weight this week cause after my Cinnabar trip I gained a chunk of weight but I got back on track for the most part. I still really need to track what I am eating that is the key to results.

So today I picked up DH1 from school, it was an early release day & I had his Parent Teacher conference a little after. So we were walking home & I told him he would stay at home w/ my Mom while I walked back up to his school for his conference. He told meI should take the car & like patted my belly. I said no I'm fine walking and then he told me if I want to walk I should walk on the treadmill at home so I can stop and sit down if I need to. I asked him if he thought I was to out of shape to walk back up here. and he said Yes & that I need to eat more fruits and vegetables. I asked him if I should practice running on the treadmill & get really healthy and strong and he said yes.  I find it almost comical that he thinks I am so out of shape I can't walk a couple blocks to and from his school and yet a few weeks ago we walked all around Disneyland w/o issues and he never was concerned.

Since of entitlement

Well yesterday I went on a 21 mile bike ride and did 7 laps in a pool, stopping each time I reached an end of course. So it was a great day for exercise. I was kind of in a funk in my mind most of the day. DH even got very frustrated w/ me at the end of the night after we had a whole day together w/o kids and finished at a movie I was still in a bad place. You would think will all that exercise my endorphins would have been up improving my mood but not enough that my brain & anxiety couldn't take it away.  My anxiety has been stupid for the last 3 weeks or so. Basically since we got home from vacation.  It is driving me crazy & I am sure it is driving DH crazier than he is telling me at this point. My home is suffering & my diet is suffering. It hasn't even been a week and yesterday after our ride my BFF is using a WW app and she says you should do this with me cause it'll give you more food for all your working out. That is something I love about WW. So I paid and downloaded it. Then went to a movie at Cienebar and had my philly cheese steak sandwich, potato skins and some french fries. This morning I gained 1.2 lbs. So This morning I did really well, not so bad a lunch. Then dinner I was planning on Taco Salads. Well I sent DH to Taco Time instead and thought well I can eat my mexi fries & use my weekly points.  Tonight the scale is 181.2 so I'll be luck to see 180 tomorrow and 181.2 is almost 3 lbs gain in the last 2 days.   Am I blowing it already. What is it about exercise that gives me that since of entitlement to eat food. I mean I know when we work out we do need to eat more calories to keep our metabolisms happy but for crying out loud.  So I am going to try to stick to the plan for the rest of the week. I put my start date as for the week since that is when I started juicing.

I've been praying allot for help w/ my anxiety and health.  I just get so overwhelmed and tried to fix it. My devotions have all been about not fearing and trusting in God and that is so where I am at right now is fighting the fear.   I have such a long road ahead of me and it is so hard to take the small steps I need to take. I want to leap to where I want to be and it is just not an option when it comes to my healthy, my business or anything along those lines.  And this is what has always kept me in the same place. My BFF had an interesting theory about me not finding the time, energy or worth to lose weight. I feel guilty about the idea of being in shape when the rest of my family is over weight.  I don't know if she is correct yet.  She got this theory because I feel this way about money. When DH & I first were married I felt very guilty that we could live comfortably because that isn't what I grew up with. And about 6 months ago I started the Rut Busting corse (which I have yet to finish) and it talked about how if we each a certain point in anything we are uncomfortable like Money. We all have a set amount that we think is ok but if we make more than that our minds find ways to get rid of it because it is uncomfortable.  That hit me hard because it explained how you can make more money but still never have enough. It was shortly after that we made a big turn around in our money situation and it is going great. So now my BFF thinks the theory is true w/ my weight loss.   DH thinks there might be something to her theory but I think it is still more about the facts that it is so hard to put my needs before my family but in my blog post  Asking hard questions that ultimately I know putting myself first is putting my family first.

This daily fight is so difficult. Yet I know if I could just make it 30 days it would become an easier fight.

Restless tonight….

Today was a very LONG day. Horrible trip to the walk in clinic w/ both my boys. All is well and I am not going to repeat it but I just need a do over today. And by today I mean yesterday cause it is now after 1:00AM.

Anyways, I survived both days of juicing. I didn't drink the whole juice drink but I didn't have any starch for those two days. But I didn't get in all my water. I realize I don't think I gave my weigh in on the day I started.  It was 179.8 and this morning I weighed in at 177.8 so 2 lbs in 2 days is a good thing.  Tomorrow we (DH & I)  are suppose to go for a bike ride w/ my BFF & her DH. So at first I thought this is a good thing I need to focus on my health and I did sign up for that triathlon so a bike ride yay. Well today BFF's DH calls my DH and talks to him about how he doesn't want to go to the gym after our 24 mile ride. My BFF & I thought a stop at the gym for a swim would be a good idea for more triathlon stuff. Anyways, so he calls and all I hear is DH's side and he is yeah…..OK…….That sounds good. I'll let Crystal know.  Well I guess then invited a couple more people to join us tomorrow both are pretty great bikers. So after the day I've had this was just icing on the cake.  I already feel like crap because I feel like I am cheating them out of a ride by inviting myself along w/ them. We talked about going for a ride on Vashon Island but it has 2200 ft of elevation gain and I said I can't do that. DH is doing a ride w/ his main riding buddy on Sunday on Camano Island & I also found out that my BFF & her DH are doing the Vashon ride on Sunday.  So this made me feel even worse about our ride tomorrow.  I feel like it is a pity the fat girl ride and it is one thing to have an asthma attack and be in my spandex in front of people that love me, but now we are riding w/ people that I don't really know that well or at all.  So I REALLY don't want to go now.  I feel like well there is enough people there for them all to go on a ride and not have to pity me.  DH keeps saying, you'll be fine.  I am just basing this all on the facts of how out of shape I am, and how much everyone else has been riding to prep for the STP.  

SO long story short…. I am having a pity party and not sure what to do about it.  I so want to just say enjoy your ride catch you at the movies tomorrow night.  But I know there is no way my DH would let me sit this out.

Starving and cranky…..

Good news is I started my diet today liked planned took my vitamins and everything. Bad news is I am SO super cranky already.  I feel like I am starving but  I know I am not.  So I sat down to watch home movies of our vacation to Disneyland. I want to go back already, I wasn't ready to leave when the trip was over.  And OH MY GOODNESS! There was video taken at the pool in my swim suit and it really doesn't fit.  I mean it is really bad. I look very uncomfortable.  I need to go buy a functional swim suit to start practicing swimming in. Especially after seeing the home movies of me in the current one my boobs are coming out under my arms and my stomach is trying to pop out. and my hips and lower back look like my butt when it isn't.  I know the swim suit hit me right where my butt ends and it looks like my butt is way up because of how largest part of me is set up.   I haven't been hiding under a rock about my weight or the way I look but man I don't see what other people see very much except when I am looking in a mirror making sure I am standing up straight and maybe even sucking it in a little. But these videos really showed every roll every bump.  I mean even under my shirts and in my jeans that hardly stay up because they fit around my stomach but I have no butt to keep them up.

My Dad had a Dr. apt yesterday and his blood pressure is up and his blood sugar numbers were WAY to high. Him and my Mom and a long talk about how he needs to start dieting and exercising so he doesn't have a stroke. Type 2 Diabetes is controllable w/ diet & exercise but not curable.  Now pre-diabieties is curable. So if I am being honest w/ myself I am pretty sure I am pre diabetic and I don't want to have to live with type 2 if I don't have to. Yet I am still worried all this won't be motivation enough to lose weight.

I survived day one of my diet. I felt hungry like all day but I know this feeling will pass in about a week. I just need to get to the point where my stomach isn't demanding food all the time. Tomorrow I take on a task that I agreed to a little over a month ago, before I made a final decision to start my diet, I am making 5 doz cupcakes for work.  I think I will have one on Friday at work instead of a snack bar.  Hoping the one cup cake will not derail me so early on.  But have I told you I make the best cupcakes in the world???

I might be losing my mind

So you are NEVER EVER going to guess what I did this weekend……

No, like I mean never.    Nope, guess again.  No really your guesses are so far off.  Ready for me to tell you????

I signed up for a Sprint Triathlon. I blame my BFF. She came over and we were looking for 5K fun runs and she decides we can do a sprint triathlon. She did one 11 years ago and wants to do it again. She thinks I will have no problem but I am frankly terrified.  I am not the best swimmer and this is a 1/3 mile swim in Lake Washington.  It is a 12 mile bike ride which I've done pretty easily in really bad shape and then a 5K to end it.  It is in Aug.  So I have basically 6 months to train.  I mean I really, really need to train for this. I can't pull the crap like I did for the Warrior Dash and barely make it through it.

DH seems really excited that I am doing this. I think he is just hoping it will finally be the push I have been looking for. So this weekend we are going for a bike ride and I am a little concerned. Cause I'll be going for a ride w/ my DH, BFF & her DH and they are all training for the STP and I am so out of shape. I feel like it will be a waste of a ride for them.

Tomorrow I start my diet and continue some deep spring cleaning around the house.

Not quite as planned.

I tried to start my diet and it went ok. My mood was pretty good all day. But then as normal for some reason, we went out on a date night the first night of my diet to claim jumpers.  So I did eat some fried zucchini & a piece of garlic cheese bread and my delicious salad and some of my steak. I avoided most of my baked potato.  But breakfast and lunch & snacks went perfect. And I looked at the LA weight loss protein plan and I can get 2 proteins a day that is are ranging between 6-7oz or in egg form it is 3 whole eggs or 6 egg whites. So for break fast I could have 3 egg whites and that is 1/2 a protein and then 4 oz of protein w/ lunch and that leaves me w/ 5 ounces  for dinner.  I think i am going to go w/ the LA weight loss plan. My BFF recommended I set up my diet plan in a reminder app so that I can check off each of the for each day. Pretty good idea actually. Cause LA weight loss doesn't have an app & I am not purchasing the package w/ the diary.  I am actually pretty excited about this plan and the fact that I can make the food portions work the way I hope them too!

I told DH about how I am trying to switch up my thoughts about why I am losing weight & how being healthy will make me a better mom & wife and help me raise more well rounded productive adults.

Placed an order last night

So last night I decided I am going to do LA weight loss again. So I sat down to order my package and it is $199 for the basic package and I stopped I just couldn't spend that mud money on it. So then I started re exploring options again. I don't like counting calories and that is why I decided to go w/ LA weight loss but as I looked at the plan again it frustrated me the lack of protein it lets me eat. Anyways, I decided to order Advocare snack bars, meal replacement bars, spark and some more vitamin packets.  At this point I figured I'd still go w/ the LA weight loss plan but use their snack bars as my LA Lites. Planning on buying the 48 hr Hollywood Juice that LA weight loss uses for a 2 day cleanse. They use that & let you eat all the lean protein & green veggies that you want. So I went to the store got a bunch of vegetables and forgot the juice……………….   So now I can't juice tomorrow so do I delay for one more day or do I say screw it and just start counting calories.  While I was shopping I was thinking about all the fruit and veggies I was buying and how they are so low in calories I really should just count calories as much as I hate it.

I have been in the worst place since getting back from Vacation. I had such an amazing trip but coming back to the real world where I feel a very large need to finally do something with my weight. I watched videos and looked at pics from our trip and I am just getting bigger.  I am feeling huge and so uncomfortable. I have muffin top unless I am wearing yoga pants or PJ's and then I look pregnant. my oldest son asked me on our trip if I was pregnant. I had to tell him no and he told me he wants me to have another baby and the rest of the trip and even today he came up and rubbed my tummy.  I took a bath last night I felt like I hardly fit in the tub and my stomach never gets submerged.

I need to pushed past the frustration, past the desire to quit, past the bad moods.  I was trying to come up with something I knew that if I thought of it when I was having a hard time it would help keep my on track. Everyone says you need to lose weight for yourself but I don't put myself high enough for that to be enough. I feel very selfish when I want to put myself & my needs ahead of what my family might possibly need. SO I wrote down my top two things that are my number one concerns and hopes/goals. Then I dissected how I can relate these things to my weight loss journey to put it into my daily thoughts.
1.) I want to be a good Wife & Mother
To be a good Wife & Mother I need to be healthy.  When we arrived to the airport last week my kids were so tired of sitting down and the airport was pretty empty so I started chasing them around in baggage claim and catching them and I had to stop after on round and then I'd just kind of go back and forth while they ran.  They were saying come catch me Mommy and I couldn't.  I was to tired I couldn't run.  My boys ask me to play with them all the time and I have no interest and honestly I think that lack of interest is more attached to the fact that I really can't because I am so out of shape.  Also my anxiety & depression will go away.  So putting my health before everything else is me making sure I am the best Mom & Wife I can be.
2.) I want my children to grow up to be well rounded adults.
To raise well rounded children I need to be a good example and that is how they will learn.   I have already witnessed when I am working out they want to work out and when I am drinking water they want water too.  It will only be a mater of time before they see me eating healthy and sooner or later they will start trying these new foods too.  Again meaning if I put my diet & health first I can help them become more well rounded not only in eating but also in activities because we will be come a more active family.

Now how to keep these things at the forefront of my mind for when I want to quit or hit snooze?  That I am still figure out. It may require it plastered EVERYWHERE in my house.

Real World

Well we are back. Vacation was great and I wish it didn't have to come to an end. On Vacation at the happiest place on earth my only focus is to have fun and create memories w/ my family. If having fun includes eating wrench fries or a caramel apple, so be it.  While on vacation I went for a couple walks early in the morning to get things that we may need for the day. One morning I saw a women, who I assumed was a Mom, Leaving the onsite gym after a workout. And I thought I want to be like that, so dedicated to my health that I get up before my family and workout.

Thursday morning as I was looking out at our amazing view form our hotel room I let out a big sigh. DH commented and said are you sighing over there? I told him yes because now I have to go back to the real world. He laughed and said oh poor you. I then elaborated that now I have to go back to the world where I need to make a decision on how I am going to lose weight.  I wore my fit bit the whole trip and found out that in the 5 days we were on vacation we walked 30 miles. I ask didn't over eat so I was hopeful that I'd come home and kind of have a jump start on my diet. But nope the day we left for vacation I was 178.x and today I was 180.0.  How an I gain 2 lbs while I am not over eating and walking 30 miles??? I just don't know.  My Hips didn't hurt w/ all the walking and I thought for sure it must have lost something to keep the pain away.

SO here I am vacation is over and I'm right back where I was w/ no game plan and just as frazzled as ever. This weekend is crazy busy but I want to be prepared to start something on Monday.  But what? I still have the same ole same ole choices in mind: Calorie counting/tracking, Weight Watchers, Advocare 24 Day challenge, Carb Cycling, LA weight loss.  I was telling DH that I can't seem to fix me and I don't know what to do. Then we have the same old song and dance about how no one can help me but me. And I know it is just God and I in this battle. I pray for help and I know He is there and trying to help me. I know everything I think twice about eating something that is Him. And then I choose to ignore it and eat the crap anyways.

Am I wrong to think I need to be excited about a diet plan to be successful at it?  Maybe I need to approach a diet as a fact that I am going to be fairly miserable for the first month.  But OK so I decide to be miserable what diet should I follow. I've been looking at the LA weight loss plans I have and I like the idea of doing there Juice jump start for two days. I need to figure this out so I can make meal plans and go grocery shopping.  *sigh*