Making myself sick

I believe I have talked about my fight w/ anxiety & depression.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster of emotions for the last two months. Feeling defeated, stressed, overwhelmed the list goes on and on. I feel sick 90% of the time either stomach, gut, head ache. DH is getting concerned that I am taking to much motrin because I am constantly in some kind of pain and am taking it  way to much.  My Mom pointed out that I am making myself sick. At first I was like Hey NOW, this isn't my fault. But the more she talked the more she made sense.  All the crap I eat, causes gut issues to a certain degree and then you throw in the fact that to much sugar causes my anxiety to spike and that my anxiety has always caused a wide range of ailments.  I am like Oh My Goodness. It is all my fault. I spent the next 2 days w/o any sugar and started feeling a difference. I need to make the permanent move to healthy eating and a healthier life style….

Babysitting

So here is the first of my predicted situation where I am babysitting while my DH, my BFF & her DH are out riding bikes to train for the STP.  I knew it would happen and honestly it just makes sense that I watch their kids since I am at home w/ my kids anyway.  I get in my head about how they are all out visiting, riding, getting healthy and I don't get to participate in that.  Now again I shouldn't be jealous, I chose not to do the STP. I think it would be fun to do it with them but there is just no way I can get training in to complete it.  I would be left at home while they trained and then left to train on my own and there just isn't anyway that would happen.

I was talking to DH last night about what I should do to lose weight. I want to be completely prepared to go when I get home from the trip. I'm thinking I need to start on Friday 3/7/14.  The last time I lose weight I started on 3/6/07.  The things I remember are just crazy isn't it.  Anyways, his answer is always the same, eat less & move more. I want to tell him to SHUT UP!! I know that is the basics I'm not an idiot. But I need to find something that will stick w/ me. Cause I have problems sticking to things. I am feeling so defeated. I asked DH if I should just join some diet plan w/ pre-made processed foods and we both still don't want me to do that.  I need to find the willingness to prepare food.

Today I feel like I complain so much that people are just annoyed w/ me any more. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  It is my own fault I am stuck in this place.  I figure something has to be keeping me hear and I've discovered by blogging it is the fear of failure or losing just to gain it back.  Each failure comes w/ a relapse that results in a larger weight gain than before. I mean the numbers I've been hitting are bigger than my 9 month pregnancy, granted by only a lb or two but still. I then think I just need to do my own. *sigh*

Mom's still losing

My Mom is about 8 lbs from weighing what I weigh and she is so stressed about me and how I will feel when this happens.  I keep on telling her that she needs to not worry about me. As frustrated and depressed as I am getting about weighing more than my Mother for the first time in my life. She needs this, and I am thrilled that she is losing weight. It is a step towards being healthy and keeping her around for a long time.  I am so uncomfortable & unhealthy.  Things have been running through my mind for days and I keep on meaning to write them down to blog about it later but I didn't and now I sit here w/ nothing. I am on antibiotics we leave for vacation in 8 days, my youngest woke up sounding sick again and DH is now sick.

Sick again.....

I can not believe this but I am sick again. With this horrible cold thing is just kicking my butt. The sinus pressure is downright painful.  I did a small work out on Saturday I wasn't feeling 100% but I did it anyway and they Sunday I was hit hard.   We leave for vacation in only 12 days and I am just praying my youngest & DH doesn't get this like my oldest & I did.   I am not doing well on trying to eat no fast food etc.  I am still stuck in this horrible thing where I eat out when ever DH is working nights & then when he is home we are going out to eat it is a viscous cycle.

My Mom is down almost 19 lbs and she was bummed that she only lost 2 lbs this week and to try to cheer her up I told her well I am gaining & your less than 10 lbs away from what I weigh so that should make you happy. And she told me that she has been stressing about it. She is worried about how it will effect me.  Keep in mind although I did say something about it on my blog this blog is still unpublished at this point in time and there is no way she could have known what I said cause I would never say it to her face. Because it is more important that she is losing weight and getting healthy than if I become larger than her. I need her healthy and around for a long time.

Everyone agrees that I should wait until after vacation to start dieting but here I am still sitting and going back and forth on what plan to do & how to give myself the push I need. Do I try the whole Advocare 24 day challenge because I believe in their products? Do I break down & order the LA weight loss at home so I have chocolate? Carb cycling, Weight Watchers, counting calories?????  Like I have said before, I know if I did any of them consistently I would succeed. But which one is the one that I am going to stick w/ and does it even really matter??   My Mom and I were talking about how much we had obessing over food. It is all I think about dieting or not.  And she said w/ Medifast she was able to take it off her mind and that is what she needed. I need that too but I really want to avoid processed food full of soy.  I want to eat real food. That is why I circle around the other options over and over again. All of them have me eating 1200-1500 calories a day but they all feel like such different methods. I have lose weight calorie counting and w/ LA weight loss. I have never stuck to the advocare plan but love the way the vitamins make me feel.  If I am going to order something I need it to be here and good to go by the time I get back from vacation.  So I have to decide super soon. The idea of counting calories drives me mad. *SIGH*

Oh, the Driver's License Renewal

Yesterday I went and got my Driver's License renewed at close to my heaviest weight, 180.? lbs.  My Driver's License has said 130 lbs for the last 15 years and yesterday changed it to 170 which is still a lie.  My face looks so huge in the picture.  I told DH how upset I am that I have to live w/ it for the next 5 years. DH's response was that no you will have that to look back at so you can see how far you've come. It amazes me how much he believes in me.  I came home the other day to my Roses and an amazing Valentines Day card. I am truly blessed to have a husband that is so crazy about me, even w/ all my faults.

Here we are just 16 days from vacation. Am I feel like trying to start a diet right now would be setting me up for failure. I do think I need to get back on the treadmill so that my body doesn't ache after a day in the park.  But I don't know that I am going to start my "diet" until we get back.  But then I feel strange thinking ok I'll start my diet in 3 weeks! I feel like it's just another excuse. And yet the last time I tried starting it was right before a mini vacation & I blew it horribly. I hadn't had enough time to build up our will power and strength to stick with it.  SO here is what I am thinking. I am going to give up fast food, Chocolate & maybe Diet Pepsi. And start back up w/ my work outs. If I lose weight great. If I don't Oh well.  At least I will feel like I am making progress and not stressing about it to much. Even if it isn't a ton of weight loss it will be progress to healthier eating.

The Development of Dreams

When we are kids we dream of fame.  We want to be rock stars, Olympians, movies stars. What is your dream? You say your dream is to wear a size six???  That isn't a dream that is a goal.  A dream is what makes everything tick.  A dream is what you get out of reaching that goal. So what would being a size 6 represent for you, what will you have become or achieved? Your health? YOur energy? Getting your life back?  My MK Director has been talking allot about dreams and running a promo about making at least 100 dreams come true. So it has gotten me thinking about what my dreams are now. Not just my goals but my actual factual dreams.

My Dreams:
To be Healthy (This will fix my emotions & stress)
To be a better Mom & Wife (have my emotions under control)
Good education for my boys (private school if needed)
To Provide the emotional needs of my family
To be Debt Free (this provides us w/ options on my working)
To be at home w/ my boys
To buy more DVC points (provides more vacation memories which are very important to me)
To positively impact those I come into contact with
To have someone say because of you I didn't quit


The hardest part of achieving the dreams is the four letter word "work"  And today I was thinking about how I just need to commit to my plans and stick to it. Then a bible verse hit me hard and fast.

Proverbs 16:3 NLV
"Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed."

And when I looked up that verse and another one pulled up

Psalm 37:5 NLV
"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.

The Lord is telling me YES! Go! I am with you and we've got this!!! I just have make the plans, prepare and bring God in on the details and w/ His help. I will do this. I will accomplish my dreams & goals.

So sick of being sick..

For the last 8 days we have been a household full of sickies.  DS2 had a fever for 5 days, had to bring him to the Dr. twice, got him on meds. And this whole time while I am not as sick as my little boy, I am sick and I am tired ALL the time!!!  I just feel like I can't get anything accomplished.  I haven't worked out at all, I haven't used my new weight bench yet.  DH & I went out for our Valentines Day Date and I was kind of in a funk the whole time.  I felt bad for DH. He kept on asking me if I was enjoying our time & of course I was but my brain wasn't there. He asked me what was on my mind and I told him it is the same, my weight and every time we go out I vent and then never make any progress so I feel like it is stupid to talk about it again.  I have motivation to work out and now that it is so easy to do in my home it's great.

We leave for our vacation in 3 weeks I have to get my drivers license renewed before then.  And as stupid as it sounds I am depressed about the DL photo.  I told DH that it just all seems so daunting  and overwhelming. How do I replace the high food gives me?  How do I get through the first month of dieting to make this my new habit and destroy the old one?  I need to stick to the schedule so I can keep myself prepared because that is my biggest struggle. I am having a very difficult evening, feeling very down and still sick from this upper respiratory flu. I have to force myself to do this. Some way Some how.

STP registration?

So DH registered for the STP a couple weeks ago cause he is a member of cascade bicycles club. So my BFF and her DH registered today.  And she wants me to do it too.  As of 6 months ago I was planning on doing it w/ her but they when they backed out a couple months ago my other SIL stated that she wanted to do it w/ my Brother.  I thought allot and told DH that I decided not to do it because I didn't trust my self to put in the practice & training needed.  Now the BFF is doing it and I think I could do it but it would require a sitter an extra 2 times a week to try to get training done w/ Chad. I mentioned it to my Mom and she said she will not be willing to do that. I figured she wouldn't. She watches our kids 3 days a week and my nieces 4 days a week. So she wants her weekends off, rightfully so.   DH is talking about doing it in one day & then doing the 2nd day w/ my BFF & her DH. And the logistics of who is going to pick them up in portland the 2nd day is not good ones.

So lets say I don't sign up and decide just to be the transportation and support vehicle? My fear is this is how it will go down. The first year DH did the STP I NEVER saw him.  I wanted him prepared so he was riding 2-3 times a week and in the beginning that was every Sat & Sun. Then when the weather got better it was allot more during the week in the evenings because of plans we had on the weekends. Anyway DH lost 20 lbs while training and I stayed home & fat.  I was being a supportive wife. Let him buy his bikes & gear, let him go for the rides as often as he needed and he wasn't even able to follow the training plan they recommend on the website exactly cause he couldn't find enough time.  So keeping in mind of how much time it took DH to train and that BFF & her DH will need that too. DH invited them over on Saturday for a bike ride. He said he'd like to take them on a ride to show them the pace they need to keep for the STP. (keep in mind he is already talking like I am not joining because he knows I couldn't keep that pace) I then asked him what is everyone going to do w/ the kids? And he said oh yeah.  So if I don't register I might volunteer to watch all the kids while he takes them on a ride. Cause that would be the nice thing to do. And I can see this becoming normal. Them coming up to get a good ride in while I watch the kids.  Then I will be the one staying at home staying fat.  I also remember how guilty I always felt taking training time away from DH w/ a family bike ride.  Then if we do the whole great wolf lodge thing would I have all the kids w/ my parents? I don't think I could watch them all.

The other side of the coin is I do decide to go. I don't think we'd be doing the Great Wolf Lodge thing w/ the kids because then I would be relying on my parent to watch my children both days on a trip. And yet I would like to stay there.  But I would be doing it w/ my BFF & her DH the first day & then the 2nd day my DH would join us. I don't know how we would get to and from the mid point or from Portland home.  And I would have to be willing to go on bike rides alone and I am not fond of that idea.

So if I don't I can drop DH off in the morning pick up BFF & her DH from the mid point, DH will be able to get a ride back to the midpoint if he goes to Portland in one day because the other guys he's been riding w/ are doing it in one day too so we will have people to give him a ride back.  But with all the people who give him a ride back normally on the 2nd day being done I have no idea how they will get back on the 2nd day. It normally isn't until around 6-8 that they get back. I can see DH friend being able to give them a ride. I just need to be able to bring them all home and we don't have room for that in our car.  Sorry I am kind of rambling. Just trying to figure it out in my brain and figure out where I belong.  Part of my thinks well I guess if DH is doing this in one day & tagging along the next day. I am looking at maybe not going at all.  I mean like the boys and I staying home and maybe I could drive down and pick them up in Portland.  If I do it maybe we stay at a cheaper hotel and use the extra money for a charter shuttle from shuttle express to bring us home.   I just have no idea.

GO HAWKS!!!!

Today was Super Bowl 48 and our team WON!!!!! It was such a great and exciting game! So happy that our Hawks finally won!!!!  During the post game interviews there was an insurance add w/ Our quarter back Russell Wilson #3 and I think it was my favorite. I am posting it right below.

I love how it talks about how nothing can really kill a dream. And it is true you may have dreams you've given up on but deep down there are still there. If we have the bravery to pursue them. We can do anything. Why not you???