Woke up sore & pissed off....

Yesterday during my 20 mins on the elliptical I could feel my double chin wiggle independently from the rest of my face. :-/  Not a feeling I enjoyed that was also part of the reason I did Yoga yesterday.  So anyways, this morning I woke up sore. O_O  I couldn't believe it. I mean my my whole core was sore my tummy, back, sides.  Holy cow I only did this Yoga DVD for about 15-20 mins of the 30 mins & I woke up sore??????  I had told DH on our trip the main problem w/ me working out alone is I can do weight training & I am not sore. Where when I work w/ a trainer I am always sore I don't know why I am not pushing myself.  But this Yoga DVD kicked my apparently kicked my butt. I also woke up in a bad mood.  I mean stepped on the scale & it rang in at 179, and that really pissed me off.  It's not like I've never seen that number on the scale before but man did it really piss me off this time.  I got up and make myself breakfast had a salad for lunch and then teryaki for dinner. So not great but not bad either. I also put my body bug on around 11AM and by 6PM had a burn of 1800 calories. Granted not where I need to be but not to bad for 7 hrs. I told my Mom about my soreness from my little Yoga experiment and She is going to come over tomorrow morning to do it w/ me.  This is Awesome cause it means 2 things, 1 I have a work out partner & 2 I will have to get up and do it cause she will be here to do it. :-D

Y-O-G-A....Yoga

I mean I always knew I would find yoga difficult I tried it once when I wasn't as large as I am but MAN!  I did my 20 mins on the elliptical this morning & then decided to try my new Jillian Yoga DVD. I couldn't complete it.  It said I was following the beginner person and it was only 30 mins but I swear it was longer than 30 mins and that you can't do that w/o some knowledge of what your are doing.  My boys wanted to do it w/ me so while I was taking breathers they took turns using my mat. It was very cute.  Tomorrow I am not sure what I will do. I have another new Jillian DVD of kickboxing & I think I may put that in. I mean activity is activity.  I really should be wearing my body bug so I can see what kind of calories I am burning.

 I am thinking about ditching pop & chocolate again. I think I need not to ditch diet pop but all pop and see what happens. I have a ton of Crystal Light packages which do have nutra sweet in it as well but I don't crave sweets when I drink those.  I so desperately want to be healthy. I am so done w/ all the issues I am having being this large.  So tired of clothing not fitting me and of my tummy & my boobs sticking out as much as the other does. I have big boobs, always have, and they have always helped make my stomach look smaller but not anymore. Still lots of changes going on and not all of them are figured out. The change does bring on stress and the desire to eat to release the happy hormones in my brain to make the stress go away for just a little bit.

20 mins exercise = Bacon Cheese Burger

Well today was DH first day of his new schedule. Meaning he needs to get to bed before the boys go to bed and to keep them quiet is next to impossible. I am not quite sure how this is going to work yet but I have to find a way.  DS1 starts 1st grade next week and he will need to be going to bed by 9PM. With DH new schedule he will need to be in bed by 7PM at the very latest! What am I going to do w/ the boys in our little 988 sqft house? You can literally have a conversation w/ someone on the opposite side of the house. LOL!!  I know we will figure it out but it is going to be a couple strange weeks while we do.  It has to be something that will work on DH work weeks & his off weeks.

In the weight loss side of things I have good news & bad news. Good news is I did get up & do my 20 mins on the elliptical this morning!! YAY ME!! Bad news: I then proceeded to eat 3 candy bars, Taco Time for lunch, a bacon cheese burger, fries, bloomin onion for Dinner & then finished off almost a whole pint of ice cream from dessert. :-/  So my goal again is to get up and do my 20 mins on the elliptical in the morning. Wednesday I can go for a walk around the neighborhood maybe.  I really want to buy a ipod shuffle for working out. I just need a few songs & maybe some inspirational something. The only nice thing about having my phone as my ipod is the fact that the music will stop if I get a call. So maybe no shuffle maybe I'll just stick w/ my phone....

Changes....

Well we are back from our wonderful & relaxing trip to Cannon Beach.  So we come back to changes. DH starts his new job tomorrow and that causes the schedule here at home to go haywire. And DS1 is back to school week after next and our Mud run is 13 days away.  The cherry on top is that I have a sinus infection. This explains why the horrible pressure & headaches while we were gone. And starting my antibiotics tonight makes me feel absolutely miserable cause it is breaking up & getting worse first.  YUCK!!

Anyways,  Like I said our trip was wonderful some good talks about changes we need to make w/ our spending habits, our eating habits & getting healthy.  So we have some game plans but nothing difficult. Stop eating out & eat at home and I need to walk, walk, walk.  I got myself a running belt that holds a water bottle. I need to get myself moving for the next 13 days. My goal is some kind of walk everyday! Tomorrow will have to be first thing in the morning and I have a MK party right after work so I have to go to work prepared & go right from work to the MK party & then come right home so that DH can get to bed because of his hrs for training at his new job are 5:45AM-3:45PM.  Then Tuesday I should go to my MK meeting but DH again needs to go to bed early so I may not be able to make it & to eat at home I need to just do it in the morning again. DH schedule was originally quoted as 3AM-1PM M, T, W, TH & then 3AM-3PM F, S, Sun.  Then he has the next 7 days off. But so our bed time routine here has to change w/ the boys cause he will need to go to bed by 7PM if that is the case & on my days I work I get home at 5:45 so it'll be like Dinner and say goodnight.  But every other week he'll be off for the WHOLE week. No babysitter needed. It'll take some adjustment but I believe that it is going to be worth it.

The Hike....

So we are at night 3 of 4 of our Anniversary trip.  It has given me so much time to reflect.  DH keeps on asking if I'm having fun because I keep on having these bits of time where I get quite & I get inside my head. I start thinking about where I am not.  I had such grand plans for our 10 year anniversary.  I had fantasized about what I would look like and where I would be w/ out finances & my job.

Anyways, the first & last time we were here at Cannon Beach was for our honeymoon and being the good Christian kids were are we kept everything in our pants until our wedding night. SO we didn't see much of the sites while we were here we were in our room quite a bit. ;-) So I did some research & decided we would go on a small hike to see some "breathtaking views of the coastline"  So we get to the Clatsop loop trail. Then read the description to see it says that this hike is a 3 mile steep incline w/ an elevation gain of 800 feet. O_O  I wanted to see these views so I said lets go but I am going to need to take my time, DH was totally supportive and on board. So we start up the gravel road. And it keeps going up and up and UP!!  I mean really?!?!  It is hard to tell but her is the pic of me looking up the steep incline.

So you can see a man on the trail & he is like way up there and this may look level but it isn't it is super steep.  I was huffing & puffing the whole way.  I found that every time I looked at how steep the hill was, I would panic. I would have to stop & reset, psych myself up and start again.  This happened quite a few times and then I found that if I just focused on my feet & the steps I was taking I would calm down & be able to concentrate on my breathing and just what I was doing not be overwhelmed by what I still had to do.  Then I realized no matter how much of a big picture thinker I am, meaning I can visualize my end result for example; being at my goal weight.  When I look at it and see what I have to do to get there. I get over whelmed and stop/quit.  But if I just focus on the immediate step I am taking I will get there and it'll be easier.  So I need to think of goals even smaller than I am used to, like not just daily but maybe even by noon & by bed time.  This will not be easy for me but I really know that this is the way I need to proceed. I thanked God for giving me this simple yet effective visual.  We completed the whole loop.  I made it, DH said he was so proud of me and I told him I felt kind of stupid cause of how long it took and I hard it was for me. (I am so sore I am having problems sleeping) He said so what you still did more than everyone sitting on the beach.  Here are some of those views and sights we got to see during this possibly life changing hike. 

A pictures worth a thousand words...

So today during a slow part of the day at work I decided to look through the photo books of my boys. Each year since DS1 has been born I make all the grandparents & my self a brag book that I print out using www.mypublisher.com.  So I don't have the 2006 book to cover the first 6 months of DS1 but I have 2007-2012.  We visit Disneyland quite often and it is really the only time I allow my self to be in pics.  It was interesting, I found my self in so many more pics in 2007 book this was right after that almost 30 lbs weight loss w/ LA Weight Loss. I had hit 140 right before the trip to Disneyland that year.  Then the further the years go the further I saw my weight gain & also so less & less of me in photos.  Here is a side by side of 2007 at 140 lbs (so still considered over weight for my short height of 4' 11'')  and the one next to it is from 2012 at almost 180.

Isn't it amazing......  I look at the one taken last year and I hardly recognize myself.  I mean is that person really me???  I take much betters pics of myself because I am very aware of my angles & hiding the chins but this was a same angle head on taken by my Mom.  I showed DH & his response was I think you're pretty. I am glad he does but he loves me inside & out. I can't believe I've let my self get this far. The pic on the left I even seem to be able to smile bigger because my cheeks are not in the way. I have to do something.  What pisses me off the most is I know I have a competitive athlete inside me. 

We leave for our Anniversary trip day after tomorrow. I am planning on coming back fully ready to go for all our goals, No more overweight, uncomfortable, unconfident, unhealthy me.  

If you'd only apply yourself

I've heard it my entire life.  Starting when I was in school. My teachers at parent teacher conferences "Crystal is so smart if she would just apply herself a little she would go so far" With my Mary Kay if I'd only apply myself & do the work I would be a director and be where I want to be in the company.  And of course w/ my weight loss......  Today DH & I had to long talk about how I have so many excuses not to do things when I just need to start doing things.  He says I need to start walking around the block. I told him that is stupid & will get me no results. He thinks at least it is something.  Is he right?? I've heard the saying no matter how slow your moving you're lapping everyone on the couch.  But I feel like that is a waste of time.  He then asked me "Can you run?"  no,  "Can you jog?"  no, "Then you start by walking.

What is the root of the reason why I don't apply myself?  In School I had no interest in learning & just wanted to pass & have a great social life.  But now later in life why can't I get myself to do the things I need/want to do?  Even sticking to a budget is difficult for me.  Our budget looks amazing on paper but then we want this or we go out to eat & boom budget blown out of the water.  It makes it look like I enjoy feeling this way.  I mean I started getting really pissed off at myself & maybe that is where I need to go w/ it. But I was literally angry at the lack of desire I have to do things that will improve & enrich my & my families lives. All my problems w/ applying myself not only effects me but it effects my whole family.  If I could apply & stick to our budget we could buy a bigger house w/ some land for the boys to run & have there own bedrooms.  If I would apply myself to my MK biz I could quit the job I can't stand going to & be home w/ my boys everyday & be a good house wife for my husband. If I would apply myself to my diet & exercise I would be healthy, not in pain, feel attractive, be able to play w/ my boys & be spend the longest/healthiest life possible w/ my husband.

I feel like God is trying to show me a glimpse of the life he has waiting for us.  And the really amazing part is it can all be just 6 short months away.  If DH new job comes w/ the possible raise we are thinking it might we can be in a position in 6 months to buy a 2nd home!  If I stick to eating healthy & working out I will be at my goal weight in 6 months.  And if I worked my MK biz & averaged 3 classes a week in 6 months I will be in New Orleans at Leadership conference picking up my free purse & $500 for becoming a director.  If you could change you & your families life for the better by buckling down for 6 months would you do it.  Any normal person would say of course!  And yet ALL this is not new information to me.  I've had the tools & same opportunities multiple times to move forward & change things for the better for all of us. And yet I have YET to apply myself and do something about it.  I sit down & start to plan, get overwhelmed & give up.  Really that is what it comes down to. Then I get the whole well don't do everything at once but why the heck not?!?!  If you're going to go balls to the wall just do it.  From now thru end of Oct my schedule is a 9-5:30  If I can find some for of working out to do at home, like my elliptical in the other room. I can get up at 7AM & get my work out in & then dieting is something that doesn't take time away from my family so no reason I can't do that day in & day out.  I will need to push my emotions aside and stick to the plan.  The budget  will be a joint effort between DH & I so w/ his unwavering support we can accomplish sticking to a budget. And b unwavering I mean we are planning on talking allot about it this next week while we are away on our 10 year Anniversary trip.  I think we are going to make pacts to like stop spending w/o asking each other first. Like NOTHING out of the budget not even a candy bar w/o having to call the other person first. As for my MK biz it is always the easiest to put off but I have joined a new accountability group & if I don't start working I won't be able to stay in said group and I really want to! And DH really wants me to succeed.

Now comes the difficult part that I mentioned before.  I need to plan it out.  As Mary Kay said "People never plan to fail, they fail to plan."  I have to not let my self get overwhelmed.  It is all doable & can & will be done. And I have to track it all!! The good the bad & the ugly.  I have never succeeded w/o tracking. When I track I do well it keeps me accountable to myself.  I need to get my but out of bed & start the day. I am thinking an alarm across the room is needed.  Anyways, we leave in a couple days for the Ocean just DH & I for a kind of second honeymoon.  Lots of time to think & plan. :-)  Feeling really good about things to come.

Where to start....

Friday Aug 9th was Dh & I's 10 year Anniversary!  Still just as much in love as we were the day we walked down the isle.  This means that a little over a year ago I told myself I had a year to lose weight for our 10 year Anniversary trip & pictures.  Now here we are 10 short days away from our trip.  I am so frustrated w/ my health & weight and yet not frustrated enough to do something about it.

You see it happen all the time. In all the before & afters even in my MK unit.  You see people who decide they've had enough & they are ready & willing to do what ever it take to make there dream come true.  Is it an easy ride for any of them?? Heck NO!  But they do it they fight, they push through & they make it.  How!?!?!  I've lose weight before so why can't I now?  It is so difficult right now. My DH is very supportive will eat what I need to eat but I eat crap! When I am alone I chose to eat what I shouldn't.  No one can force me to eat correctly while I am alone.  I am running out of time before my mud run. I have no time to do anything before my anniversary trip.

It's said not to look at how far you have to go but how far you've already come.  So what if you've gone backwards? Then you get the well everyone has to start somewhere.  I need to start & I think I need to stay away from eating things in moderation.  When you are truly addicted to food & the high it gives you I don't think you can do it in moderation. I know when I was on LA Weight Loss & had lost about 20lbs I was then able to do eat things in moderation. Even after I had lost 30 lbs I had moderation down so well that I maintained my weight loss for 6-9 months.  I think 3-4 weeks of strict eating habits then I can tweak it.  But what eating plan should I stick to?  Do I break down & do something prepackaged do I just try to keep to calories? Do I try to do LA weight loss again?  I just can't seem to stick to anything so what do I do?  My Mom started her Food Lovers and said it helped to have a new plan to follow and it frustrates me cause I know I should eat 1200-1500 calories a day, eat 5-6 times a day, limit carbs, eat lots of fruit & veggies & lean protein.  So sick and tired of starting over. So sick & tired of not feeling well & my body hurting.  Yet the only way to stop starting over is to not quit in the first place.  I feel like w/ our trip coming up why would I start a diet when I will be eating out for 5 days straight.  Yet it is another excuse really.  So what to do??? Do I bother to try to lose weight at this point?  I am thinking I need to start exercising because of the mud run but maybe I will try to just not over eat.

DH went on a 100 mile bike ride today and they posted a pic of him and man do I find him sexy.  It makes me feel so bad that I know he doesn't look at me & think that way any more. He says he thinks I am sexy but I hear cute out of his mouth the most and I so want to be sexy and hot & I miss him not being able to keep his hands off me. That is one thing I notice when I lose weight is the hands that are all over me.  DH says it has nothing to do w/ that but the way I start carrying myself & my attitude. I think the way my butt looks in my jeans has more to do w/ it than he thinks. But then again maybe it is all the way I walk when I feel more confident.  Anyway,  I can't believe I am still at square one.  I should have reached my goal weight dare I say 20 times over again in the last almost 3 years since I've been blogging.  Need to let go of the past, need to focus on that I've had success before & there is no reason I can't again.  I need to figure out how to push thru the struggles.  How to change my habits of turning to food.

Hunger Games....

As I can't seem to control my eating I am finding my self gaining weight. This evening I am coming in at 181.?  We'll see what tomorrow morning brings.  I made a funny talking to my Mom today. I said call me Fatniss & we need to start me on some Hunger Games. LOL!! I made my self laugh allot.

Anyways back to the real problems.   I am 2 weeks from my Anniversary trip w/ DH. This Friday is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary.  I got a tripod & a remote for my DSLR so I can try to take my own pics on our Anniversary trip but I would still love to lose like 10 lbs before then just to give me that confident feeling.  People are asking if I am training yet for my mud run and my SIL wants someone that will be behind me during the run to film me w/ the go pro because she thinks it will be so funny.  Some people are shocked that I agreed to do this & they laugh at me.  I want to kick this Warrior Dash's ass.  I want to Kill it!!!!  Yet I sit and do nothing.

I am in such a great place & my depression still gone but I can't stop sticking stuff that is bad for me in my mouth.   My Mom is now 8 lbs from her diet.  I told DH & he said well maybe you should try that how much is it.  And I pushed against the suggestion.  I want to do this on my own, I know what to do, what to eat, how often to eat, how many calories to eat. What is stopping me?? It is hard work and it all comes down to laziness. I will continue to rebuke the spirit of laziness!!! I need to add that back to my prayers every morning.  Lots of changes coming. DH is probably going to get that job & that means 7 days on(3/12's & 4/10's) then 7 days off. Our whole dynamic & schedule as a family will have to make some changes but I feel like this is what God has had us waiting for.

You only have today....

Tomorrow never comes & Yesterday is in the past. We only ever have today.  So the old adage of I'll do that tomorrow doesn't work.  This morning I hit guess what a new high, 180.2! O_O  That is .2 lbs heavier than 9 months pregnant w/ DS2.  I mean really?????  I knew I took a I don't give a crap attitude this last week but that means I gained almost 5 lbs in 6 days.  Realizing my quick weight gain also made me realize that last time I was up close to this I hurt my back as well. So it is my weight that is causing my pain.

I started writing this post on Wednesday & it is now Sunday.  So I don't know what my weight is right now I haven't weighed my self in a few days.  My Mom just purchased & started the "food lovers diet" she is down 6 lbs in 3 days they say they are doing a metabolism reset and the stress the importance of eating balanced meals & eating ever 2 hrs. She thought for sure she had eaten so much yesterday that there was NO WAY she was going to lose weight & she still did.  It makes me laugh cause every diet program will work if you stick to it & all of them are basically counting calories, eating the right kind of foods & eating several times a day.  Again it all comes down to the fact that I know what do.  My Mom says well you know sometimes it just helps to have a system to follow.

Total Praise report!!  Starting Wednesday I woke up in a good mood and I thought cool how great is this?!?! Stepped on the scale and saw 180.2 and didn't get depressed. Realized well that sucks but had this well it's ok feeling because I am going to change.  Have been in  an AMAZING mood everyday since.  I mean like this is me. This is the me I used to be or when I am on a great level dose of meds.  I am completely med free.  Been off of them for about 3 weeks now & it can take that long for them to completely leave your system so I mean I am free of all meds in my system at all.  I asked DH if he had been drugging me because I am doing so great.  He said no & that God is just answering prayer. I've been praising Him for my wonderful mood & attitude.  It is all from God!!! I have new found energy and motivation.  I am more patient w/ my kids & because of that being more affectionate & they are responding by behaving better. I mean it is great.  When you have depression you wake up & kinda wait to see what mood is there to great you and if the cloud is still there.  And the cloud is GONE!! I wake up in a good mood not in a haze.  SO PRIASE GOD!!!

Tomorrow starts my new schedule of M, T,  FR 9-5:30.  So if I get up at 7AM like I have been to get to work at 8 that gives me 1 1/2 or so to work out, shower, do my make up, pack my lunch & eat breakfast.  I mean I will be starting my days off right. I have always had an hr lunch and now it is only 1/2 hr so I have to pack a lunch. Which should help me w/ my eating healthier.  Going to charge the body bugg and see what kind of damage I can do in the next 16 days before our trip to Cannon Beach for our 10 year anniversary. My plan is to not waiver.  Stick to my calories & making sure my calorie deficit is at least 1000 a day.  If I can do this until our trip than we I will be able to treat myself a little on our trip while sticking to my calories.   Planning on brining work out clothes even w/ me to the beach cause we are only 5 weeks from our mud run & I have to keep moving.

Lots of changes coming in our way and they will all be for the good even if they bring some stress. I am choosing to focus on the positives that will come after it!! :-D