Planning rewards...

So I told DH today that I am planning on rewards and I think tat for the first 30 days I am going to have a reward for every 10 days I stick to my diet.  He said he didn't think it was a good idea because then I need to be honest & if I didn't stick to my diet every day then I don't get my prize where I could still have lost my goal pounds. He still is a strong believer of everything in moderation and that you can have the french fries if you get right back to it the next day.  I told him that he always tried to validate cheating for me.  When every I want to eat something not on my diet he validates it for me, mainly cause he wants me to be happy and it is true that you can have everything in moderation. But I am not at that point.  I need to be free of all non diet food for at least 30 days. So that I can create the new habit & break the old ones. So I am setting up a prize for every 10 days for the first 30 days and hopefully this will help me make it thru each 10 day period.  I don't have one for the first 10 day mark which is the cleanse so I need it to be something good.  the 20 day I put buy a new sports bra (one that actually fits & supports) & at 30 days I put new running shoes. Still have to come up with something I really want for the first prize.  Think, think, think.........

Family Picture Day.

Well we did it. Family pictures. I tried to prepare myself for them but it still was hard not to wince as I saw them. I really had thought maybe I could take one that isn't so terrible. Maybe they will have good angles & I will not have that bad of a double chin.  Well I've gotten to the point where that is no longer an option. People say that the pics turned out really good and I can see my smile behind those chubby cheeks but it really isn't me.  Not the me I am inside & want to be.  Thank God my husband loves me just as I am but I know it would improve our relationship, if I lost weight.  Mainly because of my confidence.

Anyways, So back to needing a plan. I talked to DH about my 30 day plan and how I think I am going to limit my options as well. Every time I've lost weight it has been allot of repeat eating. So like I eat grilled chicken and broccoli every

    night for dinner. I need my choice taken away for the first 30 days. He is on
board and understands that if I need this he will eat the same thing as I do as many days a week as needed. I talked to him about GreatWolf in the middle of my 30 days and he doesn't think we need to pack the Foreman grill but I just need to make myself order grilled chicken.  I have to look at the menu and see if that will work.  So start date is officially Friday Dec 27th.  I have over two weeks to plan it comes right after payday so meal planing will be done. Yet to be decided is how to start. If I am going to do the 10 day cleanse or if I am going to just do a two day juice, or if I will just start counting calories. I feel like I need to do something at the start to get a clean break.  I've never completed the Advocare 10 day cleanse and I think that is why I shy away from it but I feel like a 10 day break would be a better start than just a 2 day juice and I plan on using Advocare vitamin packs. I need to psych myself up so I can make it through the whole 10 days. It isn't any super strict diet just whole grains no processed flours or sugars. So I can have potatoes and I was thinking about boiling up a weeks worth to put in my lunches so I can not feel like I am missing out on carbs. I have allot that I need to do in the next 2 weeks. Not just to make sure everything is in order for my diet, getting up early (this means putting an alarm clock across the room), get my house in order and cleaned, stuff knitted and wrapped for Christmas. So much to do but it'll be worth it if I can get this all under control once and for all.

21 days to make a habit but 28 days to break one

I came across an interesting think on pinterest that says it takes 28 days to break a bad habit.  This may help me understand why even when I hit 3 weeks of dieting I still can royally screw it all up the next week.  So lets say for 21 days things have been going great I've been dieting not losing a ton but staying positive.  Then on say on day 23 I have an emotional break down of some kind I turn to food thinking oh well I've been good for 3 weeks and it's getting easier now to eat healthy. Then the bad habit takes over.  So I really need to shoot for that 30 day goal. By then I should have created the new good habits and then given the old bad habits a chance to die.

Advocare has the 24 day challenge which is close to 30 days past the 21 and only 4 to the habit breaking day. But when do I start this? It is Dec 11th so starting this in the next 2 weeks is going over the holidays.  Is it possible maybe if I skip some of my favorite Christmas foods. But then starting w/ the new year sounds like I'm doomed from the start.  Part of me thinks I shouldn't delay another day I should start NOW.  Then I have that side that tells me waiting a couple weeks isn't horrible.  But if I put off starting my diet I don't want to treat it like a free for all and gain even more weight.

I am to the point where I just want to cry.  As the year end is coming I am reflecting on all the things I haven't accomplished. I don't think I reached any of my goals for the year. NOT A SINGLE ONE!  So there is nothing I can reflect on that I did accomplish. So I can't see how far I've come cause I haven't gone anywhere.

So I sit and ponder if I need to join something like medifast or nutrisystems.  Should I continue to bother w/ my business. Yet I hate where I work & what I do so working for myself makes the most sense.  I have always had the entrepreneur spirit since I was in elementary school.  I started up a business writing & illustrating little story books. I made & sold about 4 then stopped.  I always have wanted to succeed in stuff like selling my knitting on etsy, I have a Bridal Consultant certification, I've joined MK 3 times. I have such an overwhelming urge to be my own boss but not the discipline or big enough desire to do the work.  And this is the case with all areas I want to succeed in life.  I get so frustrated over and over and over again.

The only place to go is up, at least I hope.  I made a goal poster about 3 months ago w/ my goals by Sept of next year and they included weight loss, going to Hawaii in Sept or October, Warrior Dash that is in Sept, Director by June, Quitting my job by July.  The thing that kills me is that this is all possible I want to go to Hawaii after I've lost weight. I want to kick ass on the Warrior Dash in 2014, we are already registered for it. Quitting my job could happen if I was a Director managing my money correctly. Then I get overwhelmed, afraid that if I try I will fail. And maybe I should just foucs on my health and weight loss because that is most important. Then I hear the little voice in my head that tells me I can do all these at the same time and I would be glad if I did.

So if it takes 28 days to break a bad habit and I want to set 30 day goals.  I am thinking well I will start w/ diet and exercise and not training exercise just getting up and walking every morning. Then after 30 days that should be habit and the bad habit of sleeping in & eating bad should be broken. If that is broken & the new habit is formed then that means I shouldn't have to think much about it anymore. Then the next 30 days I would change my work out to the training program since it is not taking up any more time in the morning I would be getting up so not changing any habit just what I am doing. And my mental focus in that 30 days would be my business. I would make sure I made all the calls I need to having classes/parties and see what happens during that 30 days.  Then I can make a more educated decision on what I want to do job wise. If I love my new business schedule and it seems to be working for my family & me we'll move forward w/ it if not we figure that out then as well.  

So I need a 30 plan down to every detail. When will my first 30 days start I am thinking Friday Dec 27th.  It is 2 days after Christmas enough to have leftovers out of my house. Then I from Dec 27- Jan 26th will be my exercise & eating right focus.  During that time we do have a trip to Great wolf lodge but hopefully I'll be determined enough to just bring my George Forman grill w/ me and cook up chicken and salad or something. If I plan again for it I can do it! It'll be worth the extra luggage to succeed. Do I do a 24 day challenge from Advocare?  Or do I just start counting calories and wearing my body bug?  Or do I do a combo of the two?  Do the 10 day cleanse then just take the vitamins and count calories and such after the cleanse?  Or if I went the LA weight loss jump start that is only 2 days of eating lean protein and green veggies and there juice drink. Do I order LA Weight loss for home?  Do I try medifast?  I need to figure it out.  I liked LA weight loss because there was no counting calories but if I am going to use my body bug I need to track calories so I can see my calorie deficit at the end of the day.  

I just checked out LA weight loss and it is about $400 for a one month program that comes w/ vitamins, supplements, bars etc... I think I'd rather go thru Advocare and use my discount. The meal replacement shakes make me sick but they have a meal replacement bar maybe I could use? I will have to research and I need to work out some accountability for myself.

Family pictures in 4 days and counting...

There is no way to remove my double chin, my waist that is the same measurements of my boobs, or my super round face in 4 days. Sunday is coming and I've wasted the month I had to lose weight before pictures. I promised myself I would do these pics even if I didn't lose any weight. I am back teetering between 179-180. The effects this weight has on my physically & mentally is horrible. When I stepped on the scale last night before getting in the shower I was 181.6.  Knowing I had just finished dinner and that wasn't my real weight but still man.  I can feel my double chin hitting the sides of my chest depending on where I move my head. I spent most of my shower last night trying to phsyc myself up for the picture results.  Knowing I will not look good in these pics and I will have to be ok with that because it is more important that we have the pictures as a family.  I will have to look past the double chin & fat face and find me in the picture again.  It wasn't so long that I was watching home movies and I was Looking through the fat. I could see me, the me I missed the me I really & truly am when I'm not in my own way.

I am afraid to succeed not for the fear of success but the fear of success but to fail & fall after I've succeed. And that leads to the fact that I don't believe I can truly succeed.

Warrior Dash Take 2

So we registered for the Warrior Dash again. It is not until Sept of next year and I really want to kick ass this time. We registered for the same one so I can compare my time & efforts.  Today I am so cranky.  Just sitting around doing nothing. Been thinking allot since my last post about what I need to do & where I want to be. That whole structural tension thought process is really making me think about what I need to do to get where I want.  It involves allot of things I don't want to do. LOL!!

Does anyone really want to change there eating habits, start exercising, start working hard?  Change is uncomfortable, change isn't easy, change is frustrating.  And the hard cold truth is that I do want to change.  I want to be a better wife, mother, business woman and be healthy athletic person.  And presently not changing I am uncomfortable, my body aches after I spend the day cleaning the house,  I am frustrated all the time at the situation I am letting myself live in.  So the only reason I am here is right back to laziness and not wanting to work hard.  To think that after I am in the habit to eat healthier & exercise I will have the energy I am lacking to do all these things I am wanting to do.  Maybe the key to starting this all is to be willing to drink a spark every morning. LOL!! If I haven't talked about spark before it is a great vitamin energy drink type thing from Advocare.   It is full of vitamin B and not very much caffein but after drinking that I can hardly sit still. So Maybe on work days I will have to not drink it cause I am stuck at my cubicle.

Our family pictures are a week away & I am making us take them cause I am tired of not being in the pictures. However I am also very upset that I didn't lose any weight and that I will be this over weight in my pictures.  I remember when my Mom weighed 160. I remember because of all the complaining she did about it and I was 12 or 13 which actually would have made my Mom 32 or 33. Holy cow,  I didn't realize how closely I was following in her footsteps.  I can see my future by looking at where my Mom is today. However she has spent much more time losing weight than I have. She lost weight several times once she was down to a size 12 when I was like 21 but then she gained it all back. This is why I have such a hard time even thinking of using some program, pill, HGC, or vitamins to "help" I have only seen my Mom gain the weight back over and over again. Once when I was really young she did lose with diet and exercise and got all the way down to like 111 lbs right before she had my little brother.  I truly believe I have brain washed myself because of my fear of gaining the weight back. Every time I think about losing I feel the fear.  I need to push through that w/ positive self talk. I have to retrain my brain that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

This changes will bring about so many positive things for not just me but my family.  I truly believe if I am healthier I will succeed in all areas.  This week is a really tough week schedule wise. DH got called for jury duty and it is messing up his week off and his hours at work. So my Mom has to watch to boys when she normally doesn't and we were thinking about an over night stay next week, DH & I, at a hotel but I just don't think it is going to happen. Anyways, all this to say w/ this crazy schedule again the benefit of me working from home would be so huge.  Being able to set my own schedule around the needs of my family would just be so amazing.  Pink Cadillac Directors in MK have said they only spend 8-10 hrs a week working outside the home.  I can sacrifice 10 hrs out of my home a week to be able to take my kids to school be there when they get home and even make most meals.  I would love to have a bigger house w/ a room for my office and a place to host parties in my home then I am just simply running down stairs for an hour and they eliminates the commute to & from the party as well. Now that we are getting a little off topic, I really should go to bed.

Structural Tension

I was watching biggest loser and these people were so excited that they have reached the 200's or even 300's again.  I am sitting there and all I can think is what is wrong w/ me????  I have only 55lbs to lose to reach my goal. Change is so difficult.  It is SO easy to keep doing what I've been doing but it doesn't get me where I want to be.

Yesterday I watched a video & it talked about Structural Tension.  You take a piece of paper & then write down what you want & what matters most to you at the top of the paper. And then on the bottom you write your reality.  Then between them write down the steps you need to take to get from the bottom to the top.  Mine couldn't be further from each other.  My top says things like to be healthy & in shape, be at home w/ the kids and be debt free.   Yet I work at my job which truly even though it is part time I am realizing it really seems to take more time away from my family than it should. I am tired & want to do nothing when I get home and one of my days off it is my chill day I don't want to do anything.  Or I make my self do all this running around while DS1 is at school  then in the evening I want to do NOTHING both days.  Like today I dropped DS1 at school, went to my work to make MK deliveries, trip to Costco, came home unloaded the car sat for and hour then went & picked up DS1 from school & I am beat & have done nothing the rest of the night besides getting the potatoes in the oven to bake.  Remember that whole time plan where I had to get up early & do stuff after the kids went to bed. Yeah hasn't happened yet.

I sit and contemplate what do I want my life to look like?  And I want to be active, exercise, spend time w/ my family, make my husbands lunch in the mornings, make dinner at night, go on vacations when whenever we want to,  keep my house clean, be a MK Director, Have a larger home.  So being a MK Director gives me income to be home w/ my family & yet also still get that larger home. Also w/ the option of being home & making my own schedule we can go on vacations whenever, I can have a set schedule and not feel like I am not getting other things done at home.

Still going no where.

I haven't stepped on a scale since my last post.  I have no idea where I am except I know I haven't been dieting or tracking my calories.  My oldest DS told me the other day that I need to lose weight.  We were walking back from his school and my youngest DS didn't want to walk anymore so I asked him if he wanted a piggy back and I bent down and tried to reach behind me to grab his hands and then I tried to stand back up and I couldn't I tripped & almost fell over. To which my DS responds my you need to lose weight. I said what? He said you know you need to get in better shape that is the reason you can't pick DS2 up.  He is 100% correct and I know he is just repeating what he has heard me say. But I embarrassed me, knowing that my 7 year old can realize the reason I can't do certain things. is my weight.   I went Black Friday w/ my Mom and my hips are still hurting.  I know I've said again and again I am so sick of feeling this way. But because my actions speak louder than works I feel like I have no right to complain.  I've done this all to my self and I choose to self medicate w/ food instead of pushing through whatever may be causing the urge for the junk food.

Family pics are only 2 weeks away as well and it looks like I am going to have to rely on spanks to smooth out the lumps and bumps but I am most concerned w/ my double chin and lack of neck in the photos.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh start going to try to cut out diet pop because I notice how much more crap I eat while I am drinking it on a regular basis.