How are we going to fix me??

OK, so today was another beautifully frustrating day.  DH was at a car show so just the boys & I again today.  So much craziness & things going wrong.  Started the morning off w/ DS2 peeing all over our big chair. Had to take the cover off to wash it & then as I was changing him he peed on our ottoman.  Then DS1 dropped his 3DS in the dog's water bowl & then it not working.  DS2 decided to throw fits & cry 90% of this morning. So while I am trying to take apart the 3DS to get the water out he is screaming trying to crawl up my legs asking me to pick him up. We had to go to the grocery store, out of milk, so off we went. To try to pick up the boys moods we went thru a drive thru for milk shakes. I always get them one & an extra cup to give DS2 some. well as I was dividing it out I dump milk shake all into my lap. My Mom was with me & kept telling me I was missing some of the milk shake. Looking down I could see nothing and my poor Mom had to be the one to tell me it was under my fat belly roll.  So Now on our way to the store my jeans & bottom of my shirt stiff & wet from Vanilla Milk shake. We get to the only for me to find out I left my debit card at home. And all this before noon!!!  After events like that I just want to scream from the roof tops. I was able to have some down time tonight & watch a movie w/ DH. So I was thinking about how on earth am I going to make this work. I need to diet because that is no time away from the family. Wondering if I should put the whole gym them on hold all together until I get eating under control.  SO I need some structure & accountability. Even though Weight Watchers works great I abuse the point system by what I choose to eat. I am not sure if that is because I feel like I have to many options or because of the rebellious side of me that is convinced that it isn't fair that I have to suffer this way.  I was thinking about joining LA Weight Loss at home so that I can keep my options limited.  Not sure what I am going to do but I feel like counting calories & WW just has to many options. :-/

I am going to get ice-cream & NO I DON"T want to talk about!!!!

Hello day 24 of the 24 day challenge. I don't know that anyone has every blown it as much as I have. A little over a week ago I was feeling really good. Like surely I must have lost some inches because I'd been eating less, thanks tot he vitamin packs.  So I asked my Mom to retake my measurements at my belly button so I could be excited.  BAD IDEA!!! Not only did I not lose any inches & was 3/4 of an itch bigger! O_O  So I have been on an eating bing ever since.  This morning I've hit a new weight high of 174.4.

We had company tonight & I am surrounded by people who have lost lots of weight (thanks to medicated speed) My DH who just finished the STP & is in the best shape of his adult life & then there is me: FAT, UGLY me!  So on top of this our company & DH want me to put my Dog of 11 years down, Work issues, & some other issues that I won't put on a public forum. Then DH has decided that he is going to go ahead w/ the sprint triathlon.  So I am feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.  How do I fix this???  I need to make my MK biz a priority so I can get out of my other Job that is going to be much worse very soon w/ a bunch of policy changes that are effective 8/1/12.  But it all goes back to taking time away. Now DH needs 3 days a week to train for the triathlon so I feel like any working out days for me are now being taken away again. He said hey you should do it w/ me. And I said: "We can't train at the same time we have kids. It doesn't work like that for us."  I feel again like I am sacrificing & that I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know if I am EVER going to make myself & my needs & wants a priority. Even w/ the encoragement of DH that I need to do these things, I don't.  He tells me to go to the gym after the kids go to bed but that is sacrificing my us time & I don't want to give that up so I say no & I hate getting up early. So between me taking those times out & the 3 days DH needs to train I feel like I have nothing left even for my MK biz.  

I tried to eat right today figuring that that is something I can do that doesn't take time away from anyone & after my bad night I put DS2 to bed, got DS1 his snack brought the monitor out to DH & told him I am going to get Ice cream. He wanted to know if I was cranky I told him yes, very. He wanted to know why I told him reasons he doesn't want to talk about. Because he can't sand it when I talk bad about myself.  I am so frustrated!!  I have so much I want to do & accomplish. The killer part is that I know what I need to do but I don't know how I am going to get myself to do it.

10 day cleanse over

So here we are at the end of the cleanse & the only thing I managed to do was eat take the what the box contained & eat like a pig. I have gain weight & again have a new all time high of 173. Not such a good 10 days. I had a had such a great attitude yesterday I was going to blog w/ TW topic: A new attitude. For the first time in forever I had the desire to be athletic not just thin but really wanting to be in shape. I thought that is IT, my mental turn around I've been waiting for!! Then we had a situation arrive last night w/ DS1 and it upset me & stressed me out. This Morning I got up & went for a 20 min bike ride & felt so out of shape! It would take me 4 mins go go around 2 blocks w/ a slight incline. And I was huffing & puffing (so much so I am thinking about going to the walk in clinic to check in my chest cold) so then I get frustrated & mad that it was so hard & think about how I've been working out since March & have nothin to show for it because of the lack of being consistent. So in my stress & feeling stupid I spent the ENTIRE day eating!! And I mean I was eatting the whole time I was at work. Making myself numb for a little bit.

Day 7...

Well today wasn't all bad. Started the day w/ a new all time high in the scale 172.8! But thanks to some revelations that took place & an attitude adjustment. I didn't let it get to me. God was really showing me love yesterday after a couple of really down days. I remembered that I need I ky to turn to Him for help & it will be there cause I can do all things through him!! So even though this is now looking more like the 17 Day challenge instead of the 24. I am still hopeful. Tomorrow is the 4th of July so eating right isn't going to be easy but I am not going to worry as much about the rules of avoiding white starches. I am going to track what I eat the rest of the week good or bad & then look at my calorie intake. Tomorrow more of the nasty. Fiber drink. Going to get up early so I can drink it & it can run its course before we leave for the river. I am not about to do that in a out house! O_O

Day 5 total brake down...

Today was pointless & frustrating. Had a good breakfast but then we had a BBQ b-day party and I ate fries, a burger, macaroni & potato Salad, cake & m&m's. Then spent the rest I the day beating my sled up & telling my self how unattractive & fat I am. DH hit a new weight loss low. My brother is now down a little over 30 lbs in less than to months. I want that instant gratification but i can't seem to stick to something for even 2 days. Ok vet over.

Day 4...

Can't seem to go a whole day w/o messing up. Today I did great all day again until dinner & then we went out for Mexican.  I just want to stuff my face w/ nachos, chocolate & pop!!!  I have not pop or nachos, we do have chocolate in the house because of starting to potty train DS2 but I am still doing pretty well w/o chocolate.  The 10 day cleanse is 1/2 way through & I've lost nothing!! All because I have no discipline.  My DH again says that a day here & there is OK & that is how life works. I know on WW I wouldn't have felt like I was doing so bad because of the eating out guide.  I will continue w/ the cleanse & then start the vitamin packs & see if that helps w/ my appetite control.

I have such highs & lows everyday. Earlier today I was going to conquer the world. LOL!  I was going to clean the house after I went to Costco then go to the gym when DH got home. I had thought about how important this is for me & how I CAN DO IT & I was excited. Then I came home & sat down for lunch. And it all went down hill after that. I didn't do anything by the time DH got home he then got cranky cause the house was such a mess. The kitchen was a mess so we didn't want to cook, so we went out to eat. Then because the house was a mess we didn't want to go home so we went and wandered around Cabella's until the boys bedtime then came home. Now it is late there is NO way I am heading to the gym & I am fighting my late night munchies I get every night.  *AAARRRUUUGGG!!"

Day 3...

Well I did it again. Did super good during the day but tonight DH & I had a movie date night & went to Cinnebar & had potato skins & a brownie.  DH still thinks if I splurge a day or two here & there it won't spoil the hard work on the rest of the days. When I lost all that weight on LA weight loss every Wed & Thur I would splurge & eat like crazy gain at least 3 lbs & then spend the rest of the week trying to lose it again plus some & I did.  We were listening to Linkin Park on the way home & some of the lyrics from "Crawling" make me think of me so much.


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

[Chorus]

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge:]


Hoping that I will see results even w/ these couple days I've not kept exactly to the plan. Should go to the gym tomorrow. It has been over 2 weeks but DH has errands to run early so I am not sure I will make it but I am setting my alarm to be out of here by 6:45. How ever here it is 2AM.