30 Days, Day 1

Weigh in at WW today was 162 so I got my 5% award. I would be more excited if I hadn't reached that months ago & just never got the official weigh in of it because I am so up & down with my weight. I've decided I need to stick to it for 30 days and see what happens.

In this 30 days I will be having one of the most stressful times I've had in forever!! DH is being sent to Barbados by his work on his first business trip and I am freaking out. Keep in mind that I have a panic disorder & depression & he is my better half, the sane half. If I am ever in freak out mode all I need is his arms around me & all the panic fades away. God has been telling me that I Need to trust him with this. I am still praying that they cancel the trip, which has been known to happen for his work. My devotions the other night was how if we are holding onto worry are we really truly trusting God fully? He is scheduled to leave next Saturday for 4 or 5 days. In the 8 years we've been married I've only been away from him for 24hrs. Anyways back to weight loss..... I figure that if I can do this with all the stress that is coming my way in the next 2 weeks I can do this no matter what! So I've tracked everything I've eaten today. I will probably run out of weekly points sooner than I'd like but I am going to try to get in some wactivity points too. I am going to try to blog something each day even if it is a very small entry. I will try not to ramble to much while DH is gone that would give you a glimps of how really crazy I can am ;-)

Dr. Apt

Well for the first time in about 6 years I went in for a physical. My weight came in at 171.8 lbs. Blood pressure a little high but when I was  seeing my OBGYN while pregnant w/ DS2 my blood pressure was always a little high the first time they took it & then it went down after I calmed  down, I have white coat syndrome.  Anyways they  gave me a new prescription for  my antidepressant which is good cause lately I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am going crazy,  Random crazy thoughts, house is a mess & all I want to do is sit  & sleep. Yep  got the depression going on.  Normally I do much better when I try to diet when I am on my antidepressant so much so that if I forgot to take it one day I didn't eat right. It was like clockwork.  I have to go back for a follow up apt in a Month & get a fasting blood draw to check my cholesterol & sugars.

While sitting in the wait room I was taking a mental note of all the overweight people there & almost EVERYONE was overweight/severely overweight.  I know on Biggest Loser the talk about how much money being overweight/obese cost because of Heath Care & I figured that made since but noticing it first hand today for the first time was strange. And I was one of them & all I could do was beat myself up over it.

I keep on trying to get back on track & I don't even make it through the day. Last week I started juicing & I did make it through one day & I lost 2 lbs & then we got up early & went for a 12 mile bike ride it was great but after exercise I need my carbs so I had a sandwich, no big deal. But then I ate ice cream & candy bars & stop trying after that & now it is a week later.

My Brother, SIL & Mom started the juicing thing on Monday & I am so green w/ envy. SIL down 3.3 lbs in 2 days Brother however down 13.5 in just two days. My Mom hasn't weighed herself yet but I am going nuts thinking about the family pictures we want to take in Disneyland in Dec & how everyone is going to look great but me. I will hate that!  I am so depressed about it I am spinning out of control. I have wonderful Anniversary plans w/ DH in less than 2 weeks & that skirt I told you about still doesn't fit. And I just don't think I have the time to get it to fit by then.

I have put reminders in my phone one that goes off at 9:00 AM says "No more excuses, get it done!"  The next goes off at noon & says "Picture yourself thin"  I still want to come up with ones for around 3PM & 8PM cause that is when the snack attacks hit me the hardest.

I will start taking my medication again tomorrow & you don't feel the whole effect for up to 2-4 weeks but I am hoping for some immediate motivation help. I'll keep you posted.

Something Drastic needs to be done!

Time keeps on ticking by & I just can't seem to get motivated more than 5 mins a day.  I can feel my self drop into a depression.  My Brother, SIL & my Mom are all starting a Juice fast for like 30-60 days. Nothing but juice.  They are doing it after watching a documentary on this guy who did this for 60 days & he cured hives auto immune disease & it has also said to cure fiber mialga. So my Brother has had this auto immune disease for 4 years now he brakes out in hives so bad that some times he can't see & my Mom seems to have Fiber Mialga & it is getting really back right now & my SIL thinks she has Gout & is sure this will cure it too. So with this news I start stuffing my face. On one had I hope it works it would be so great for my family to be free of such disability things but then I think about how everyone is going to be losing weight & I am going to be the fattest in the family for the first time.

When I was on LA weight loss they have you start w/ a 2 day juice cleanse but it includes eating green veggies & lean proteins as much as you want of it. The juice they use is the same as the 48 hr Hollywood Juice Diet but that bottle says to eat nothing & only drink the juice. On LA weight loss they say normally people would lose 5 lbs in those 2 days but I never did But I always had to start that way because it helps me reset my brain.  Cause then when I get to have carbs again on day 3 it is exciting even though it isn't very much or as much as I was used to. Tomorrow we are having fresh salmon for dinner & I was thinking that would be easy to juice tomorrow. But I am not sure how Saturday would be juicing.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda....

So if I had stuck to my diet starting when I first walked into WW in January I would be at my goal weight right about now.  I was telling DH how I am such a huge self sabotager.  It seems that anything that would make me happy I make sure some how some where it doesn't happen. The weight loss thing is the biggest one but there are all sorts of little aspects to my life where I could do something to make my self happy & don't make it a priority so it doesn't happen. Now again like I've said before: I am very blessed & have a wonderful family & life but I am referring to the "me time" aspect.  I always put my self aside for any of my boys or family if needed. I am never asked to but I do these things because I know it would be easier on DH if I took the boys for the night so I do etc...  I get so confused by my reaction to this whole thing & how I seem to run as fast as I can from weight loss when it starts happening.  I have had success in the past & I have seen WW PP work for me very well so why not just run with it instead of away from it.  I find myself saying oh it is just to difficult & exhausting to have to diet. The 6 weeks where I almost lost 10 lbs & had lost 5% I had to constantly be thinking about food preparing it what was I going to eat next & it makes me cranky but only because I can't just run out & pick something up. I am not going to lie I think about food constantly when I am not dieting but it is because it brings momentary relaxation.

It is summer & so much easier to eat at home it stays light later & it tis the season for BBQ'n.  In the winter I say oh it'll be easier to diet in the summer when there are less Holidays & better fruits & veggies out there. So here we are and another week has almost past & I am still saying I'll start tomorrow. Well guess what? Tomorrow never comes surprise, surprise.

Yep that was the bandwagon that just lapped me....

Still not back on the weight loss bandwagon. Not even chasing it or pretending to chase it. Just letting it go by me again & again.

Went to get dressed today grabbed some clean size 16 jeans & they are way to tight so I go back to the looser size 16 jeans I wore yesterday they felt much better but I thought I just wore the other ones a few weeks ago & they were fine. So today ended up warming up so 1/2 way through the day I went to change from my jeans to shorts for the first time I dug my size 16 shorts out of my drawers & what do you know to  tight. I had to put shorts w/ an elastic waist on.  My XL shirts are getting to small & I found a before pic from when I tried to lose weight before I was even engaged so we are talking about 9 or 10 years ago. I was still living w/ my parents & we all took before & after pics cause we were going to try out this tea that my Mom was starting to sell, it had ephedra in it. So there was a contest that required before & after pics & I saw it and wanted to cry. I was over 20 lbs lighter than I am now in that pic & I remember how fat I thought I was. I look at the pic & thing how could I have thought I was fat my boobs are still sticking out further than my stomach.  Granted I have had two babies since this & was much younger & had the elasticity in my skin & no stretch marks. I was instantly depressed & does this motivate me to lose weight no I wanted to go stuff my face w/ something full of carbs so I could have a high for a little while. Hi, my name is Crystal & I am addicted to food.  It is hard cause I do turn to food for that instant high to feel better when things go wrong but I can't remove food from my life because so I have to fight it EVERY day & it is just exhausting.  It kills me to know I know how to lose weight & I know I can lose weight so why won't I??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ever since we went to that wedding I have just been using myself as my own personal punching bag. I rag on my self constantly & I've notices I am really short w/ DH lately. Around when I had lost the 9 lbs DH out on a date night & I remember feeling so loved & so beautiful that night. It was the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about he touching my fat roll when he had his arm around me. Normally it throws my brain into fatland when ever that happens cause I am so aware that he is touching the ugly fat. I  can't stop thinking about it wondering what he is thinking. Anyway it is just a little in sight to how my crazy brain works.

DS2 just had his 1st Birthday &  DS1 is about to turn 5 in a few days so lots of party planing & Fathers Day is this weekend so we have a couple BBQ's planned then it is the 4th of July the weekend after the Boys Birthday party so I keep on thinking Oh I'll start the Sunday after the 4th but then I get mad & think it is just more excuses & there is NO reason not to start now. My BFF was in town. She has lost 50 lbs in about a year & 1/2 & she is so much happier & healthier she has a rubber bracelet that says "No more Excuses, Get it Done!" My SIL are thinking about ordering a couple for our selves w/ either that or  another one we like is "A year from now you'll be glad you started today"

Type 2 Diabeties

Just found out that my Dad has Type 2 Diabetes & it is very hereditary but also very preventable w/ diet & exercise. So here I am w/ another reason I need to get healthy now so I don't have to deal w/ this later in life.  When I was pregnant w/ my 1st I wasn't worried at all about Gestational Diabetes but w/ my 2nd because I was heavier but my test came back negative w/ him as well.  I guess my Grandpa had this & didn't tell anyone & I also am now told that my Aunt has it too. I am glad my Dad isn't really over weight so he doesn't have to lose weight to help but he does eat sugar 24/7 I mean that is all he eats. So he has allot of changes to make when it comes to his diet & he doesn't like cardio & it is the aerobic exercise that helps not weight lifting like he likes to do.

So before they told me this on Monday I actually made it to a WW meeting on Sunday. The first one I've been too since 4/17. My official weigh in was 152.4 so a gain of 1.2 lbs since my last visit. They said how good that was since I'd been gone for so long but I told them it was much higher off & on. So with all this you'd think I'd been super good but no I am eating sugar like it is going out of style & not back on track at all. I am finally getting my house organized & I am then hoping I feel like I can focus on me again. Right now the house was always looming in the back of my mind as something that needed to be done. I have a small house but since DS2 was born, he is a year in just 2 days, I have been what I call pretend cleaning. I just relocate stuff from one area to another either another room, box, bag, closet.  DS2 still doesn't sleep through the night very often & he wants to be held 24/7. I am very used to DS1 who just played alone since he could be sat up in his bumbo he was content playing just him & his toys. But DS2 as a typical 2nd child is in much more need of entertainment & to be w/ someone. So it seems next to impossible to get anything done. Just getting the bottles washed or dishes done is a difficult task. So even thought I have a very small house that is under 1000 sq ft my SIL & I cleaned & organized for about 8 hours today & got 1/2 of the house completely organized & cleaned!  All that to say again that w/ that big mess I have found it very difficult to focus on anything else.

My self esteem is about knee high to a grasshopper

My lack there of self esteem is the root to so many issues.  Including the fact that I get mad at the fact that I have low self esteem. The comic about is so true to me low self esteem is a big pity party but try to never invite anyone to that party. It is always just me, myself & I at that party & I just feed more & more negativity to myself all day long.

My life seems all out of whack lately & so the first thing I throw on the back burner is my weight loss. It is the easiest thing for me to stop trying to do because it only effects me so me is the  fastest thing to put to the side to try to take care of other matters. Right now my house is in shambles because I started spring cleaning but due to the DS2 need to be held I only got to one day of cleaning which included emptying out two closets that are both sitting in the middle of the rooms I emptied them into. So I feel like I can't do anything right now until the house gets back in order but then I think it is just one excuse after another for me. I find my self wanting to try something new like the Advocare 24 day challenge but it is more drastic on the carbs than I choose to do & I know that WW works great &  I am paying $40 a month to belong to WW so I should be using it!

I have been struggling w/ self esteem for what feels like eons but when really bruised it this weekend was the wedding we went to. It was for a friend of DH that was in our Wedding I haven't seen him since our wedding but we felt required to be there. SO I have NEVER seen that many short skirts & dresses & super thin gorgeous built women in my life.  The whole time I was there I was just stewing figuring that my DH had to be checking them all out because I knew I was. I love dancing & the music there was great but my DH hates dancing & he said he would if I wanted to but I didn't want to get out there next to all those gorgeous tall thin women w/ my short, stumpy, fat self. 

Everyone has "the last straw"  The thing that actually makes you stick to it & reach your goal. I've had so many last straws I am beginning to thing that my bail of straw is everlasting. My weight effects every facet of our lives from how much I smile, how much money I spend trying to make myself feel better, our sex life, how long my fuse is w/ the kids & even at work I am not a motivated working. I hate to keep thinking back to the last time I lost weight but I was so happy.  I have a wonderful life &  no reason to be unhappy but I am.  DH says it is time to go back on my depression meds & he maybe right. The amazing thing about my meds are they work I am really prone to depression when I am overweight. I sit & mope & get overwhelmed very easily.  When I take my meds I am motivated to diet & get stuff accomplished & it helps boost my metabolism a little to cause I always lose better when I am on it even when I don't stick to a strict diet. But I feel almost as if it is cheating to take it because it helps me lose weight. Again this comes from years of my Mom using every diet pill under the sun. I know it is for the good of my family & my health that I go back on my meds but it depresses me that I need them all at the same time.

I wish this was a more upbeat blog but I am not sugar coating anything right now. It has to be close to 99% of people who are overweight go through these fights & struggles & it may help someone to know I feel this way too.