Feeling the love

I have a confession: I am extremely guilty of truly believing that I love my husband more than he loves me.  He tells me all the time that he loves me so much more than I think he does. I've always thought ok Babe but felt that I knew I love him more. See my hubby isn't a very emotional person. He didn't cry when he proposed, when he first saw me in my wedding dress or even with our children were born. All these stereotypical times I expected to see my hubby so over come with love that he couldn't help but shed a tear or two. Nope  NADA, NOTHING. He also doesn't believe you can love someone more as the years go on.  I feel I love him more now than ever and he says he has always loved me the same.  You throw that in with the whole self conscious fat girl and you have someone who feels like she can't be loved equally.

Just in the last couple weeks I have realized that I've been wrong this whole time. I don't know how or why but I started noticing the way he still looked at me. I thought that look was long gone. I went on a hunt through our pictures over the years (18 years to be exact) and I found the same loving smile from the very beginning to now.

This man really, truly, madly and deeply loves me. This whole time I've been pushing my insecurities and the way I feel about me on him.  I couldn't imagine anyone not seeing me the way I do. I took my fat girl goggles off and really started pay attention. I am so glad I finally did.  He has always been my biggest cheerleader and even today the eve before our 15K when I am sure I am going to be picked up by the fail bus, he truly believes I will finish and do better than I thought. I am truly blessed that God brought us together all those years ago. I've never wanted to admit that my weight loss journey has always had an undertone for me that I need to lose this weight to be better for him, thinner to help him be able to love me more.  I finally see that my weight hasn't changed that look he has given me all these years. I was just choosing to not see it anymore. Last night he told me he feels lucky to have me as his wife and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed him.

What do I want????

"What do you want for your birthday?" is the question of the week. As you know I've been bumming about my birthday this year so to make it better my hubby is amazing and surprised me with an overnight get away!!! I am so thankful for him. It was amazing how the special plans he made for us turned my whole mood around. Instead of; It's my birthday week :-(, I am now; HELL YES, it's my birthday week :-D!!!! (Yes, I celebrate for at least a week) My parents are awaiting an answer to what I want for my birthday. What do I want? That is kind of a loaded question. I am having a hard time coming up with material things I want for my birthday.  But when I think about what I REALLY want, I feel selfish and guilty.  I really want to:  be able to put my health first, to be fit, to finish my half marathon in 3 hrs, my home organized, a successful direct sales business, and to quit my job. They say the deeper you dig into what you want, you'll find your why. Your why is what drives you to accomplish & get the things you want. Mine is my family but just as they are my why they are also my why not. I don't do anything after dinner on a week night because it is too close to starting our bedtime routine. My hubby meds time to train for the STP and if I start being gone too we won't have time tighter. Amongst many other reasons why I should be home with my kids/family instead of doing other things.  All I have ever dreamed of being is a wife, mom & homemaker. I never wanted to be stuck at a job, I wanted to be able to volunteer in my kids classes, go on every field trip, keep my house clean and make dinner for my family.  I think because none of these things are happening I cliché even more to the time I have to try to make up for the time I feel I am missing. Because of this I do nothing but sit at home.  Hubby says most of this has to do with how I was raised and my Dad and it is true. My Mom is the most selfless person I know. She never puts her self first and always did whatever my Dad and us kids wanted. Then you combine that with the fact that Dad is a firm believer that quantity of time is more important that quality. I find myself want to to be available for every possible beckon call of my family.  Even though 9/10 I am just sitting at home yelling at kids: Do your homework, get off your brother, stop making that noise, why are there rocks inside the house?? LOL! I might be home and available to them but the quality of the time I am with them is questionable.

I've heard for years it takes 21 days to make a new habit and 27 days to break an old one. The other day I heard a bit of new info: it takes 66 days for your subconscious to take over a new habit and just do it automatically. 66 days, I started looking at the amount of time between my birthday and when we leave to Disneyland and it is exactly 66 days. O_O What would happen if I truly made myself a priority for 77 days? What would happen if I tracked everything I ate for 66 days? What would happen if I stuck to my work out schedule for 66 days? But how do I stick to all of it for 66 days? After the thought of I could do this it is quickly replaced by caution. Hubby thinks I could do it all, I worry that I will become to overwhelmed.  Only one way to find out if this is the time it'll work.

Age Limits

Everyone says after 30 things are break easier, are harder to fix, at 35 pregnancies become "high risk".  Every year on my birthday I swear that this is the year that I'll make the changes. You can see this in past years Blog posts like this one:"Happy Birthday to ME".  I made the decision to start this blog on my birthday 4 years ago.  Well my birthday is coming up and I am really not looking forward to it, which is SO NOT ME!! I normally LOVE my birthday!  Today I was trying to figure out why I am so bummed out about this birthday. At first I thought it was because we don't have a trip planned for it. Normally we are about on our way to Disneyland or the Ocean to celebrate it.  But that just did not feel like the reason. Growing up with very young parents, when my Mom turned 35 I was turning 15. When my Mom was 37 I met & started dating my now husband! So 35 feels old.

I was driving home from the mall with my boys and I realized not only am I feeling old but I am feeling like I've reached the age limits for allot of hopes and dreams.  I know it sounds silly but I do. I've allowed so much time to pass with out achieving any of my big goals.  I have this thirst to do more to be more.  I feel like God has called me to influence others to become the best they can be. But how can I do that when I can't get myself to be the best I can be?  I feel so tired of trying and feeling like I am not getting anywhere. Every time it gets difficult I turn back to the comfort of staying the same. I started asking God, what should I do? I feel at a loss because I just don't know how to push through.  One of the ways God talks to me is through music. I can't even tell you how many times I've been praying asking God for something and the very next song is exactly what I needed to hear. So much so I have a whole playlist on my iPod called: promises.  This was one of those situations. I had just purchased the new Third Day album and the song "Mountain Of God" came on and here are the lyrics I hear:

As I travel on the road,
you have led me down,
you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
that you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way,
but you are always there to bring me back again.

Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard.
Well the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley
to stand upon the Mountain of God.

Remembering how He had met me just last weekend on my run to remind me that He is there to get me through this and then here He is saying it again, I couldn't hold the tears back.  It brought me back to my "Hike" that really started the real process in my brain. The way I currently do things would have been like if I had stopped part way through the hike.  Like after one of my panic attacks , when I felt I couldn't breath or go on and headed back down to the bottom.  But instead I refocussed and got to the top.  

Well I can't say I didn't see it coming...

The call I knew was coming finally came.  BFF & I have always had the uncanny ability to be thinking the same thoughts or ideas. For example when we first met at work, we became fast friends. We would instant message each other the same exact thing at the same exact second. I would type Azteca???? And as I pressed enter a message would pop up from her "Azteca for lunch?"  It has always been crazy how we do it. In my recent post Time Travel I compared my eating and health issues to an alcoholic. Without reading that post yet BFF called yesterday to express her concern about my training, or lack there of, and how she sees me kind of like an alcoholic but addicted to food. I was like are you sure you haven't read my blog? LOL! Anyways, I told DH at the beginning of this year I was expecting BFF to not end up coming to Disneyland for the Tinkerbell Half. IShe had started talking about her desire to complete the Honolulu Marathon and how she isn't sure how she is going to come up with money for all the trips. I could feel and hear in her voice how important the marathon was to her. I told her I can't go this year cause we have two Disney trips and I don't have money for all of them. She doesn't have the same love for Disney like do, but then again most people don't. ;-) She much rather go to Hawaii than Disney any day. She only signed up for this because I said it was on my bucket list and she wanted to support me. However with my lack of training she has now expressed her concern, and she has every right to be. She doesn't want to spent all the money to Disneyland just for me to be picked up by the fail bus and not complete the half.  I know she's been thinking about this for a while and I am pretty sure it was my concern with signing up for the Hot Chocolate 15K that pushed her over the edge. I totally understand and I am not upset with her at all. I completely get where she is coming from, I mean I blogged about it just a few days ago, this is all on me.  I told her that not completing the half is not the plan and she believes me but then we have my addictions to take into consideration. If she chooses to save her money for her marathon goal in Hawaii, I will totally understand.  Who knows maybe being able to take the concern of disappointing each other would help us reach new personal bests.  Even though our journey's may end up on different paths we will be there supporting each other all the way.

After all this talk I was scrolling through Facebook and saw this prayer. I claim this prayer in the name of Jesus!

Today I did something that I blogged about a year and 3 months ago. I wrote a post label "I want to run in the rain"  Today was just a half hour run on the training schedule and I felt like running outside. But after all the beautiful weather we've been having in the NW the rain came back today.  I decided well it's not pouring and I want to run outside. And I did. I ran in the rain today. I wrote I don't know where the desire to run is coming from. This was back when I was looking at runners a little enviously wishing I could do that and today I did.

It's not running, it's falling with style..

I am so confused, today is the day after my 8 mile run/walk and I'm feeling great.  After the 6 miles a couple weeks ago with a slower average per mile pace I could hardly walk the next day. My shoulders, back, arms and legs all hurt after that run. This time around yeah not so much, WTHeck??? This is crazy!!!  My legs have always hurt after each and every run no matter the distance. The saying that it never gets easier you just get faster is the reason I figure I would always be sore. About a month ago I was invited to a Chi running work shop at the end of this month.  So I started researching it. It talks about how you should not be propelling your self while you run that you should just simply be falling forward and using the momentum of the ground in front of you to keep you going. A week or so later BFF heard about Chi running and we took it as a sign that this is something we have to do!

After my injury during our 6 mile run and the pain I seem to always have I knew I must be doing something wrong.  Not knowing if we are going to be going to the workshop I purchased the app.  It is $10 and so I was worried it wouldn't be worth the money but the short videos explained it enough to start trying to get it figured out.  The whole falling forward thought process makes sense. They want you to keep your posture straight as if you were up right but leaning forward just enough that your foot would go forward to catch yourself from falling. You need to practice your posture and practice your lean. I did that on Saturday and really tried to use this method during my run on yesterday.  I am 100% sure I am not doing it 100% correct but the changes I made I believed made a HUGE difference. I made sure my foot wasn't landing ahead of my knee, that my hips were just slightly ahead of my thighs and that the crown of my head was tall. They also discuss making sure your legs are going in a circular motion not a pendulum. I am not sure how I was at that but I feel like I am moving in the right direction.

The workshop is not cheap but they take a video of you and correct your running and help you learn the best way to run injury free. I think that having someone watch you and adjust your stance is worth  it.  I am sure it sounds crazy and confusing but google and youtube it and try it, you be amazed.

8 miles was a Spiritual experience

Last night was so full of anxiety about the run tomorrow my asthma was kicking in. Then the drive to BFF's for our run today included lots of talking with hubby about how worried I was about the run. All the what if's and but's: what if I start hurting again, but I'm so slow.  Hubby is always so supportive and told me I could be fast I just need to get more training under my belt and I quickly told him he was very wrong and no matter what amount of training I will never be as fast as she is. We ended all our talking with him suggesting to just do the best I can and stop when and if I need to. I decided my goal is to keep moving as long as BFF was running. Even if it was walking I needed to keep going at least until she was done.  On the way to the track I very light hearty told BFF my plan. I was certain that I would not make it the 8 miles and I wanted it to not be a big deal when I didn't. Thinking maybe I'll get 5 miles in in the time BFF completes her 8 but I'll be so glad when she is done so I can be done.

What a gorgeous day it was. It was super sunny and not to cold it was really perfect for a run. We started out and I reminded my self of my plan: even if you have to walk the whole time just keep moving.  The first mile wasn't great a 17 min pace then the 2nd and 3rd miles were worse, well into the 19 min pace. It took me 58 mins to complete a 5K.  At this point I had lost track of how many times BFF had lapped me. She was a rock star running the WHOLE time! Because I was told by my sports Dr if I started to limp because of pain I had to stop running, I would walk every time I started feeling my leg cramp up.  This is what lead me to mainly walk mile 2 & 3. I was feeling very defeated after my first 3 miles. Knowing how awesome my BFF is, I was guessing there was less than an hour before she would be done. Feeling at a loss, I decided I will just walk the rest of the time no matter the distance I get to and I'll focus on trying to feel my posture and my lean (Chi running talk) and that way it won't be a loss.

My running playlist was up, its only an hour long, so instead of pressing play again I decided I needed to change my focus and pressed play on a short worship playlist I have and I started to pray: God I can't do this on my own, I am struggling and I need help, run with me.  He met me right on that track.  It was so overwhelming I almost started crying.  I felt that still small voice remind me that He has been there all along only I've never chosen to lean on Him. All of a sudden all the doubts, worries and self judgement left my brain. Filled with logic and peace about my pace and my run. Owning the fact that hey I am out here doing this, I may be slower than BFF but she has more training under her belt & I can't expect to be that fast. I was no longer concerned or upset about the run and I decided depending on how far ahead of me BFF was I was going to finish the 8 miles.  At this point she was just under 2 miles ahead of me.  I started running. Feeling the best I have felt while running in a VERY long time. Keeping my focus on God and keeping track of my milage and BFF's. When she finished rockin her 8 miles I was at 6.2 miles and thought ok I just need to keep going I have less than 2 miles left.  And just over 30 mins later I was done. My last quarter mile l was thanking God that I did it. My legs may have been doing the work but He carried me the last 5 miles. My mood was amazing, I felt great and I didn't give up.  My last 4 miles were all with in the 15-16 min mark. And I am thrilled with that!  Later I was doing my daily devotions for that day and it was confirmation of my whole day. From the anxiety, focus and weakness.  "For Nothing is impossible with God"

It was a great day and I am focused and motivated with a renewed since of purpose.  I have much more to blog about such as my first time using KT tape and more details about Chi running. But we will just end this one here with our after run pic. :-)

Time Travel

Imagine if you were able to take a glimpse at your future self. Even just 1, 2 or 3 years into the future, what would it look like? What would you look like? What if the peek revealed that you are at your goal weight and in the best shape of your life? Would you be motivated? Would seeing that you accomplished it give you the power to persevere even when you thought it was pointless? Yes you would, because you've seen it and you know you can do it. It would take away all the since of hopelessness. Now what if it reveled you were in the same place? Doing the same bad habits, over weight and talking about how you wish you had lost weight?  Would you pull an Ebenezer Scrooge "Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life!" Would this motivate you to change your ways? Or would it send to the opposite direction and get depressed and feel hopeless?  A year ago I wasn't even running yet.  My blog post were about renewing my drivers license and how I was going on vacation and how I was desperate to lose weight but so unsure what path to take  Hindsight is always 20/20.  I wish I could travel back in time and tell myself how I haven't been training and I need to make sure I DO train.  And that after feeling so good at Thanksgiving when I hit the 169 on the scale to keep going strong.  My weight is back up and now we have a 8 mile run tomorrow and I don't know if I'll even make the whole 8.  BFF is freaking out about our run tomorrow and she is all trained up and always maintaining faster than a 13 min mile. I am sick about tomorrow.  I am under instructions from my new sports Dr. that if I'm in pain to the point of limping I need to stop running right away.  There was always some excuse to not train and to put everything off.

We can always justify our excuses and the reason we eat junk and why we haven't started yet. So much so that we are going to justify ourselves into early graves. A little morbid but true.  This epidemic is so bad that Theme parks have even taken to having to change ride vehicles to accommodate the new size of Americans. At Universal Studios in Orlando my friend posted this pic.

It states "Test this seat before riding. This attraction's seat restraints may not accommodate a guest with certain body dimensions. Please use this test seat to ensure your ability to ride." And she was offended by it & found it rude. She stated how Disney World accommodates people of all shapes and sizes and why can't they here.  And I think it is the opposite of rude. I think it is kind of Universal to offer this option so that people doing have to wait in line just to be turned away and embarrassed. It's probably a safety reason why they couldn't make that ride accommodate people of certain body dimensions. But the fact that this sign and larger ride vehicles exist is a true testament of the obesity epidemic in America. And I play a part in that epidemic.  

If I was addicted to drugs or alcohol my family & friends would have hosted an intervention long ago. They would also understand that I would have needed treatment to help me cope with withdrawals. But because I am addicted to food advice from family and friends is: Just do it, put the fork down, No one can help you.... They complain about the anxiety, depression and mood swings that the withdrawals cause me. You can't put me in a treatment center and take away my addiction until withdrawals go away, because you need food to live.  I am very knowledgeable about how to lose weight, how to & how long it takes to change a habit, what is good and bad for your health. yet I still crave the numbing sensation food gives me. The hight that takes all the stress away even if just for a min. We then can crave that feeling more and more so we start mindlessly crave that feeling more and more so we start mindlessly eating. And yet deep down I know it'll all be worth it and that I am more capable of accomplishing it and making that future everything I want her to be. 

You can never make the same mistake twice.....

It's been a while since I've posted and yet I have 5 blog post I've started and not finished. I've been on quite the roller coaster lately. Since our 10K my pain has been persistent and debilitating.  My Chiropractor thinks it is a Tibialis anterior strain but after taking the 3 days of rest and he recommended and then getting back on my treadmill for my 30 min run today and it was still hard. Tomorrow I have a apt with an Orthopedic to check for a stress fracture.  I am terrified to go to this appointment. What if it is a stress fracture, what if it isn't??  If it isn't a stress fracture that means the fix is just super simple: steady & consistent training.  I really been wanting to join a gym again even though I would not be running at the gym I miss my weight training and enjoy the weight machines that make you use only the muscles your working.  So I tried to take hubby gym shopping and we went to the LA Fitness by our house and didn't like it. We really like our old gym even though it is not close.  After about another week of talking about it with hubby last night we went and rejoined our favorite gym: Anytime Fitness. I have worked up a pretty structured schedule and discussed it with hubby and we have agreed that it is super doable but it is going to take a lot of adjusting away from our laziness, mainly mine.  This schedule has me getting up early only one day a week. The rest of the time it is up at 7 and that is what I do now.  I will be going to the gym M, W & F right after work and home by 4:14 to start the rest of my plan that includes: homework, laundry, dinner & getting everything ready for the next day and be ready to sit on my butt from 7:30PM on. So honestly I am still allowing myself ample lazy time.

There are 720 minutes in a day, are you worth 60 minutes ? That is only 1/12th of them.  We all have that gut response of yes of course I am. 1 hour out of 24 isn't asking to much.  I tell myself I like my free time and that I am afraid to be to busy but keeping to this new schedule I will have the evenings free and with out the stress that I should be doing other things because those things will be done already. Going to the gym not only will add health to my life but it will help me keep this new schedule adding structure to my boys lives. Right now my days are just full of waiting: waiting for the work day to be over, waiting for hubby to get home, waiting for the kids bed time. Waiting is exhausting!!! It makes me cranky and depressed. If I fill my day with purpose, how much better off would EVERYONE be?

I came across a this quote and it was I've know this is true for quite some time.

Everyday it is our choices that make us who were are, not our circumstance.

Tibialis anterior strain

Tuesdays 30 min training run was riddled with pain, I walked 90% of it because it hurt to use my left leg. When I run my left leg hurts so bad and when I am done that pain fades and I have a pain in my right leg that is there constantly with any activity. When I was done with my 30 mins and  hubby saw the pain I was in, he wanted me to go to the walk in clinic because it was bad. I told him I would just ice it and it would pass. I was starting worry I had a stress fracture and even have an apt with a sports medicine doctor next week. But after my weekly visit to the Chiropractor this today I may cancel it.  He said I have a Tibialis anterior strain and gave me a list of supplements to take to help it heal and keep it from being injured in the future.

 

This shows exactly where my pain is while running. I told my chiropractor about my pain and asked if he thought it could be my hip and he asked where the pain was and then pressed on it RIGHT where it hurt, didn't know it still did, i jumped! Good news is he didn't tell me I had to stop running for a couple weeks like he did last time, He said a few days of rest, ice & these supplements will help it heal up. The cause is basically training to hard to fast.  This used to be grouped into the shin splints category but since it is all in that area. It's main cause is running on uneven surface and that is funny because even thought we were on a track during our 10K, it was gravely and dirt. Flat but not even, I noticed one side of the track where it was much more uneven is where I hurt worse each time. So I think it is a combination of to many miles with out proper gradual training combined with the uneven surface.  It seems if it's not one thing it's another. 

Half Marathon Training 10K

With out fail while I am on a long run I wish I had been training!!  Again no one to blame but me and I own that. But man could I feel the lack of training in my body.  We went to a track at a Middle School close to my house. Both BFF & I REALLY did NOT want to run.

This is us SO sad that we have to run a 10K.

It was cold and I haven't ran since last weekends 3 miles.  Like I said BFF is doing SO great on her training, super proud BFF here!! She has not missed a day of training, me not so much. I've ran the 4 miles w/ her, then one 30 min weekday run, and a 3 mile weekend and thats it! 3 times this month when I should have been running 3 times a week. (again not looking for pity just stating facts) This 10K is only my 4th run of the month and it felt a little intimidating.  I know I had done it before so that helped but I felt way more out of practice and even less prepared than the last 10K. Last time we'd been running 5K's all summer, at least one a month. That 10K was one of my proudest moments of my running last year and the longest I had ever run at one time. This year a 5K is the short run weekends. O_O It seems a little crazy to me.  We knew we needed to get this done so off we went.

The track is nice because we can both keep our own pace and yet still kind of be together. I took off after BFF, her pace is much faster than mine, and once around the track thinking great already done with 1 of 24 laps.  Half way around the second time I had to stop and walk. My right shin was killing me. I pushed and try to run walk the first mile and managed to barely squeak out a 16:30 pace which is the SLOWEST you can do the Tinkerbell in w/o being picked up by the fail bus. The rest of the run didn't go so well. My brain started coming up with reasons to validate me not completing the full 10K today. I hadn't been training, If I run until BFF is done they I will have more than I have this month all together, I am in real pain and I am limping around this track, but I kept going. I ended up walking most of it. Mile 2 & 3 were in the 18 & 19 min paces.  At around mile 3 1/2 is when I finally feel like I am good to go.  I don't know if it is runners high that kicks in at that point for me or if it truly takes me 3 miles to warm up.  This is the point where I decided I needed to get this run going because BFF is now 4 laps ahead of me. My shin still hurt but seemed to be more bearable maybe it was adrenaline. I could no longer see BFF on the other side of the track because the fog had come in.

This pic was taken by BFF and I am in that fog somewhere

I have always been a pretty good sprinter because I knew I was going to stop in just a short while I could go all out. I thought well I do not have the endurance to run the whole time or even a quarter of a mile right now. So I thought what the hey, I will sprint on the strait aways and walk the ends of the track. So I did I felt like I was making progress and still able to walk then I was ready to run again at the next straight away.  Doing this I got miles 4, 5 & 6 at a 17 min pace. Still slow but better than the last couple miles.  I tried to look at my Garmin to see what my sprint pace was. When I uploaded it when I got home. I was floored!!!  Here are my stats for the run:

1:49:14 Moving Time 17:37 min/mi Avg Moving Pace  4:20 min/mi Best Pace

O_O  WHAT?!?!?! In the horrible shape I am in my fastest sprint pace was 4:20 that is 13.8 mph. That pace would get me done with my half marathon in less than an hour.  Granted I know that isn't going to happen but WTHeck!! I had no idea I could move that fast!! Granted this is only for seconds at a time but still, CRAZINESS!  BFF finished in 1:20 and I was about a half hour behind her.  I am proud that we went out and ran even though we both really didn't want to.

Our we finished selfie

As promised a review of the anti-chafing stuff I decided to try for this run to prevent my problem from my previous Blog post. So I tired my hubby's "chamois butt'r" he uses for his bike rides. And it worked great. With that I had NO issues like I have for any other run longer than 3 miles.  So YAY for Chamois Butt'r!!!!!  Today is Feb 1st and I am determined not to miss a day of training from today forward!!!