Weigh in this morning 178.2. Been stuffing my face & eating even after I am so full I shouldn't be eating anymore. Feeling very uncomfortable, unattractive, anxiety, worry
So after all my thinking & soul searching I keep coming back to the same things.....
Focus on Healthy/Fitness not weight loss
Getting up early (which I hate)
Meal Planning
prepping
tracking
Time management
Focust on Health/Fitness not weight loss: I've talked about this allot lately and it makes a big difference in my brain. The scale only seems to be able to ruin me. If I do well I think I deserve a splurge & if I do poorly I think well screw it! If my focus is on being healthy, feeling better & getting in shape. It really makes me think before I eat something. I may need to really stick to not weighing in except having DH do it on his day off and only tell me every 10 or 5 lbs. Or I need to not weight every morning at least. I need to not be addicted and only weigh in once a week.
Getting up early: I HATE getting up early. My body doesn't like it. I am a night owl and I enjoy that but honestly one of my biggest things about working out is I don't want to take time away from my family and I need to get up at 6:30AM do my devotions & work out, shower get the boys up & ready for school. Then I am done working out & the boys were sleeping & no time loss from family.
Meal Planning: This needs to take place on the weekends. Plan for one week at a time. This keeps me on track during the week for not eating out which is all I've been doing lately. Ultimately I would love to have each our of common meals we eat on a recipe & the cost of the ingredients so I know that this meal cost me $_____.
Prepping: After meal planning and shopping I need to prep my food for lunches that week. Cut up & bag fruits & veggies for easy snacks & lunches. Packing my lunch at night when I work. Finding & setting out work out clothes the night before along w/ clothes for the kids & I. Or I just need to keep laundry done & put away then everyone can get there own clothes. :-)
Tracking: If I eat it I need to track it. If I track my weight & calories I lose weight, If I don't track I don't lose. Pure and simple
Time Management: I need to set & adhere to a schedule that includes time for the things I want to do like read w/ the boys & date nights, but also need time for the working out & lunch packing, laundry & stuff I don't like doing. This way I make sure I am doing the things I need to do that when I am suppose to so that I don't put them off so that I can do the fun stuff later. I will have time for the fun stuff and then I'll now I don't need to worry about doing the fun stuff now because I know there will be time for it later and I can get don't what I don't want to do. Most of this proves that I can do all this stuff while the boys are in bed either in the morning or at night after they go to bed. SO really I am just taking away sleeping in time in the morning & Facebook time at night. Honestly I should be able to sacrifice those things. And I am hoping if I am up earlier and the boys are on a good schedule they will go to sleep better meaning I can go to bed earlier too.
So what will this look like??? Making a meal plan once a week, go grocery shopping based on the meal plan, come home cut up fruit & veggies, if possible prepack snacks and lunch foods. After kids go to bed pick out clothes set out work out clothes & pack my lunch & snacks. In the morning get up by 6:30AM have my devotions, work out, shower, get the boys up and dressed and get Noah off to school. Is this doable?? YES! So why does the whole idea of it freak me out? Is it rebellion? Is it fear?
This plan really requires a more organized bed time as well for my boys so that I can get them asleep earlier so I can go to bed earlier. I have always been a night owl and really don't like the idea of going to bed early. HOWEVER, I think if I was getting up earlier then it wouldn't be so hard to go to bed early especially if I was going to bed w/ DH. He has to work a crazy shift for the next 3 months. He will be swing shift next week but then he starts 6AM-6PM shift so he needs to go to bed at a reasonable time so 10PM would work. The idea of trying to fix/fine tune the boys bed time routine doesn't sound fun to me.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Opening up files
Weight in today 177.8 no I have not been dieting or working out yet. After I threw a little bit of a fit, if I am honest about it, about never getting exercise stuff and DH goes out & gets me a treadmill. I've used it only once. Then the room it is in exploded & I've been unable to lower it to use it.
I finally got my workbook in the mail for the pacesetter program I am doing and the 2nd workbook section is having us open the "files" in our brain. So for example you think of the word: Money. Then you wright down everything that comes into your brain about money statements like: We never have enough, Savings for vacations, Growing up w/ had very little money, etc.... She calls this pulling out & opening the Money file. Our brains take what ever we state to be true as a fact & it will work very hard to gather supporting info to prove that this fact is true. So You say I am a bad singer and you're brain takes that as fact. Then will gather ever cracked note you sing or anyone who looks at you funny while you sing as supporting evidence that you are a bad singer. Then we had to pick a "file" to open on our own and one of the suggestions was body/health. So because I am hoping this new program will help me w/ my weight loss rut as well I chose to do that one. So I opened up my body/health "file" and wrote down my thoughts and any personal life events or stories that shaped my beliefs on this subject and here is what I wrote:
yoyo dieting, I can't stand the way I look. Feeling unattractive, Been healthy before, Lost weight before, Emotions rule over my food, uncomfortable, unhappy, Mom always doing fad diets & then gaining it all & more back, Never wanting to be the size of my Mom & now I am, I was athletic, I was the "fat" friend w/ no boyfriend, My wedding day was perfect even over weight & my weight didn't matter, I've lost weight before and each time I lose I gain back plus some, Afraid of losing just to gain it back. WAIT WHAT!?!?! I stopped dead in my tracks! I realized I wrote I am Afraid of losing weight?!?!?! This would also explain why every little swerve on my diet track is such a big deal because it is validating the "Fact" that I am afraid of losing weight.
Now onward to figure out we retain our brains. My body is hurting again. my legs are tingly at night. I am running out of time before we are going to go get family pictures taken. In Mary Kay they have a saying "Fake it, until you make it" meaning if you do what you need to do while you don't like it or understand it before you know it, it'll be a part of you and your own success story.
I finally got my workbook in the mail for the pacesetter program I am doing and the 2nd workbook section is having us open the "files" in our brain. So for example you think of the word: Money. Then you wright down everything that comes into your brain about money statements like: We never have enough, Savings for vacations, Growing up w/ had very little money, etc.... She calls this pulling out & opening the Money file. Our brains take what ever we state to be true as a fact & it will work very hard to gather supporting info to prove that this fact is true. So You say I am a bad singer and you're brain takes that as fact. Then will gather ever cracked note you sing or anyone who looks at you funny while you sing as supporting evidence that you are a bad singer. Then we had to pick a "file" to open on our own and one of the suggestions was body/health. So because I am hoping this new program will help me w/ my weight loss rut as well I chose to do that one. So I opened up my body/health "file" and wrote down my thoughts and any personal life events or stories that shaped my beliefs on this subject and here is what I wrote:
yoyo dieting, I can't stand the way I look. Feeling unattractive, Been healthy before, Lost weight before, Emotions rule over my food, uncomfortable, unhappy, Mom always doing fad diets & then gaining it all & more back, Never wanting to be the size of my Mom & now I am, I was athletic, I was the "fat" friend w/ no boyfriend, My wedding day was perfect even over weight & my weight didn't matter, I've lost weight before and each time I lose I gain back plus some, Afraid of losing just to gain it back. WAIT WHAT!?!?! I stopped dead in my tracks! I realized I wrote I am Afraid of losing weight?!?!?! This would also explain why every little swerve on my diet track is such a big deal because it is validating the "Fact" that I am afraid of losing weight.
Now onward to figure out we retain our brains. My body is hurting again. my legs are tingly at night. I am running out of time before we are going to go get family pictures taken. In Mary Kay they have a saying "Fake it, until you make it" meaning if you do what you need to do while you don't like it or understand it before you know it, it'll be a part of you and your own success story.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Time to regroup...
For some reason I was an emotional basket case the other day. I was crying at work and so stressed & overwhelmed. I tried to call DH to talk but he was busy w/ the boys so I wrote this note to my self to try to get things off my chest.
"I am at a breaking point. I can cry almost all the time. I don't know which way to go and what to focus on. I feel all have equal importance and so none can be left out. I feel sick,tired and unhealthy 90% of the time. I feel like I need to do something drastic to shock me into the change. Having to be at work the 3 days a week makes me miserable. Not because the job I do is so terrible but because while I am here all I can think about is what I am not able to do while I am here. I am not home with my family, I am not going on field trips and picking Noah up from school. I am not making healthy meals for my family. Yet my biggest fear is that if I were at home would I still not be accomplishing things out of laziness. Would I spend my day sitting around not taking advantage of my time at home? I want to quit my job. I want to give my notice today. Do I keep on working a job I hate so we can buy the larger house we need? Do I do the short term sacrifice of spending time away from my family while I build my Mary Kay business so that can be my income so I can be a work at home mom? I feel as if I am at rock bottom. Which means I can go up or choose to stay and wallow. Do I have the strength to go up? I know I don't, but with God I can. But how do I fight? How do I fight the constant voices telling me I'm not enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I have failed at that to many times already to try again."
This happened Friday last week. I am now just getting back to the computer to blog. I have since gotten DH cold and it is a doozy! Went to the Dr & got put on antibiotics for my lungs. She didn't think it was pneumonia but I was breathing to heavily and it could be just complications from asthma. Have I told you guys me new theory about how I don't think I have asthma. Well I mean I have it to a certain degree but I think it has more to do w/ being overweight & out of shape than an actual condition. I was originally "diagnosed" w/ exercise induced asthma in High School when I was playing basket ball. Now this started right after Volley Ball season so I wasn't out of shape but I was having problems catching my breath w/ all the running involved in basketball. I used the inhaler I think like twice and then I nothing until a year ago when I had a cold & I went in to the walk in complaining of a heaviness in my chest. And they said I had wheezing & asked about asthma in my past I said in High School and they prescribed me an inhaler. Well though out the years I learned that I am a shallow breather and So I don't think it is really asthma but more the lack of my lungs being used because I am always breathing so shallow. From what I was reading it doesn't go away as you get in shape and it is hard to catch your breath and when I was gasping and wheezing on the Warrior Dash it only took less than a minute to recover from it. So I think if I focus on my cardio I will not have the issue "asthma" anymore.
Anyways I forgot to weigh myself on Monday but Tue was 176.6 but Wed came in at 177.8. My Mom and I were talking about going to a nutritionist who does this blood test to tell you what your "magic" food combos are. It will tell you what your body isn't processing well & what it does. So I was tempted but it isn't cheap. And then I started thinking would that make the difference?? I already told my Mom if they told me something stupid like you can't eat fruit I would say screw that! So what would be the point of spending that money when I've lost weight before & I know what I should do now. A hand full of women at our Church has done this and they are shrinking and my SIL is trying to use a version of one of the diets of her friends and it is no carbs including fruit and I just can't fathom doing that. Any yet here I sit still not losing weight & not working out. I have Amazing goals ahead of me. Goals I can visualize happening but I just need to make my self do the work it takes to get there.
"I am at a breaking point. I can cry almost all the time. I don't know which way to go and what to focus on. I feel all have equal importance and so none can be left out. I feel sick,tired and unhealthy 90% of the time. I feel like I need to do something drastic to shock me into the change. Having to be at work the 3 days a week makes me miserable. Not because the job I do is so terrible but because while I am here all I can think about is what I am not able to do while I am here. I am not home with my family, I am not going on field trips and picking Noah up from school. I am not making healthy meals for my family. Yet my biggest fear is that if I were at home would I still not be accomplishing things out of laziness. Would I spend my day sitting around not taking advantage of my time at home? I want to quit my job. I want to give my notice today. Do I keep on working a job I hate so we can buy the larger house we need? Do I do the short term sacrifice of spending time away from my family while I build my Mary Kay business so that can be my income so I can be a work at home mom? I feel as if I am at rock bottom. Which means I can go up or choose to stay and wallow. Do I have the strength to go up? I know I don't, but with God I can. But how do I fight? How do I fight the constant voices telling me I'm not enough, I'll never accomplish anything, I have failed at that to many times already to try again."
This happened Friday last week. I am now just getting back to the computer to blog. I have since gotten DH cold and it is a doozy! Went to the Dr & got put on antibiotics for my lungs. She didn't think it was pneumonia but I was breathing to heavily and it could be just complications from asthma. Have I told you guys me new theory about how I don't think I have asthma. Well I mean I have it to a certain degree but I think it has more to do w/ being overweight & out of shape than an actual condition. I was originally "diagnosed" w/ exercise induced asthma in High School when I was playing basket ball. Now this started right after Volley Ball season so I wasn't out of shape but I was having problems catching my breath w/ all the running involved in basketball. I used the inhaler I think like twice and then I nothing until a year ago when I had a cold & I went in to the walk in complaining of a heaviness in my chest. And they said I had wheezing & asked about asthma in my past I said in High School and they prescribed me an inhaler. Well though out the years I learned that I am a shallow breather and So I don't think it is really asthma but more the lack of my lungs being used because I am always breathing so shallow. From what I was reading it doesn't go away as you get in shape and it is hard to catch your breath and when I was gasping and wheezing on the Warrior Dash it only took less than a minute to recover from it. So I think if I focus on my cardio I will not have the issue "asthma" anymore.
Anyways I forgot to weigh myself on Monday but Tue was 176.6 but Wed came in at 177.8. My Mom and I were talking about going to a nutritionist who does this blood test to tell you what your "magic" food combos are. It will tell you what your body isn't processing well & what it does. So I was tempted but it isn't cheap. And then I started thinking would that make the difference?? I already told my Mom if they told me something stupid like you can't eat fruit I would say screw that! So what would be the point of spending that money when I've lost weight before & I know what I should do now. A hand full of women at our Church has done this and they are shrinking and my SIL is trying to use a version of one of the diets of her friends and it is no carbs including fruit and I just can't fathom doing that. Any yet here I sit still not losing weight & not working out. I have Amazing goals ahead of me. Goals I can visualize happening but I just need to make my self do the work it takes to get there.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Weigh In Day
I am not going to stop being accountable even though the scale has gone up again. This morning my weight in was 178.8 I over slept and ate 500 calories in peanut M&M's at my break time. (incase you are wondering that is 2 bags) And I am already tired again tonight. I don't know if that means I am getting old cause I feel like I need more sleep. Or is it a sign of poor health? I need to schedule a bunch of Dr apts. The boys are over due and I am over due for blood test, physical & a pap. No fun at all.
I think I need to work out a pretty strict schedule for my family. I am not getting up early enough to make both DS1 lunch & my lunch so I am eating out at lunch. And this whole bed time thing w/o DH new schedule is still not working so great because my boys are on hunger strikes thru the day & then at bed time they are starving to the point of tears and keep on begging for food. Not sure if a schedule will help the eating thing but at least have them eating at the same time every night if possible. See and this is the stuff that makes me start stressing about making plans to book parties and not be at home because I do feel like we need a schedule in this house. I will hopefully get this figured out soon. I need to sit down w/ my weekly plan sheet for the next month and make this all happen and all work somehow.
I think I need to work out a pretty strict schedule for my family. I am not getting up early enough to make both DS1 lunch & my lunch so I am eating out at lunch. And this whole bed time thing w/o DH new schedule is still not working so great because my boys are on hunger strikes thru the day & then at bed time they are starving to the point of tears and keep on begging for food. Not sure if a schedule will help the eating thing but at least have them eating at the same time every night if possible. See and this is the stuff that makes me start stressing about making plans to book parties and not be at home because I do feel like we need a schedule in this house. I will hopefully get this figured out soon. I need to sit down w/ my weekly plan sheet for the next month and make this all happen and all work somehow.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Hey buddy, what am I doing?
Something has been bothering me and it has happened every year DS1 has had school. So DS1 is now in 1st grade and he has been in school for 4 years now because of preschool & preK. So they ask them to draw pictures of there family and his pictures always start out as electronic related. So he will draw a pic of him self playing video games or on our iPad. And I knew that he really enjoys when he get to do that so I tried to write it off as it is just something he enjoys so he is picking that to draw about. He only gets the iPad right before bed for quiet time and if he has a new game he will play more video games on the Wii than normal but then he goes back to busy playing w/ his legos, clay & plush guys. When it gets to much we force an "electronic break" on him. He doesn't like it very much but it is needed from time to time. Normally by middle of the school year he is drawing pictures of other activities that don't include an electronic device. So here were are still fairly early into another school year and he comes home w/ a pic he drew and it is him on the iPad and I am sitting in my spot w/ what looks like my laptop. So I ask him; Hey buddy, what am I doing in your picture? He states well I'm on the iPad and your on your laptop. I talked to DH about it and asked am I on my laptop to much and he says no because we are always going place & I try to keep the boys busy but it still made me think about the time I sit on my ass when I could be doing something productive. I mean here I sit as we speak however it is blogging. I wouldn't feel bad if DS1 drew me writing w/ pen and paper and this is the same thing but he doesn't know that. I want pictures that he draws to be of me knitting or running. I showed him the pics of our Warrior Dash and he loved them. He was so impressed, LOL! He told me how awesome Daddy & I were for doing this and I feel the same way. I got up and did 20 mins on my treadmill yesterday but I didn't do my day one of C25K cause I woke up late & figured that 20 mins was better than nothing. My boys however used it 3 times yesterday! They LOVE running on it & I mean full out running for both of them.
I feel as I am at a cross roads. I have lost motivation for most things. I am lacking the drive to work out & eat right & w/ my MK business I've been contemplating quitting. But I MK is what I want to do but it is so easy to use my plan B which is keep on working at my other job I have. It is allot easier to just keep on working but it is not as much fun. The same thing w/ my eating & exercise. It is allot easier to not change. So If I move forward in both of these items it is allot of hard work and allot of rewards that come along w/ it. I just joined a pacesetter team for my MK business that is a 12 week program and my C25K is a 9 week program. I have programs set in front of me telling me exactly what I need todo and it scares the crap out of me. The pacesetter program is called rutbusting and it has allot to do w/ the way our brain works and why we are stuck in the ruts we are stuck in and Lord knows I stuck in a couple ruts that I am trying to break out of. So I asked DH today WHY? Why do do I fight it all so much? DH started to say something & I interrupted him and said "Do you think it is just laziness" He said "Well I wasn't going to say it the bluntly but honestly what are you going to do today when we get home? Sit on the couch and do nothing really, unless the boys need something then you will get up and take care of it." I am so afraid that of being busy and not being there for my family if & when they need me, that I truly take it to the other extreme and no nothing so I can be there. That is my excuse my family is my Why & I use them as my why not. When it comes down to it if I can do these things now I will be able to be there for my family even more. I'll be healthier & able to play more & do more things then lets have quiet time on our electronics. If I take my MK to the next step I can quit my other job, set my own hours and go on every field trip and be there when ever my family needs me. As of tonight I am sure I need to do these things. I've been praying & praying God show me what to do and is the silence because he has already told me or is it the constant things that come up w/ my health & MK Him prodding me to what I am suppose to be doing.
Once my MK Director asked me has people ever told you that you can't handle much? I told her all the time. Because of my anxiety I've been told to be careful, don't overwhelm your self, etc. Ever since I've had panic attacks I have been overly cautious. And all this doing nothing guided me into depression, that through God I have overcome. So now how do I break this habit? That is right back to the rutbusting program I am doing. I told DH I tell myself I just need to do everything to my fullest for 30 days and see what happens. I know good things will be headed my way if I do that and that is huge steps in the directions in all areas of my life that I need to be headed. So from 10/7 thru 11/6 that is 30 days. 30 days of counting calories, 30 days of C25K, 30 days of following my rutbusting plan.
There is this commercial by Nike called rise & shine. I want to wake up to it everyday it is AMAZING. Still trying to figure out how to make it my alarm. If this doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't think anything will.
I feel as I am at a cross roads. I have lost motivation for most things. I am lacking the drive to work out & eat right & w/ my MK business I've been contemplating quitting. But I MK is what I want to do but it is so easy to use my plan B which is keep on working at my other job I have. It is allot easier to just keep on working but it is not as much fun. The same thing w/ my eating & exercise. It is allot easier to not change. So If I move forward in both of these items it is allot of hard work and allot of rewards that come along w/ it. I just joined a pacesetter team for my MK business that is a 12 week program and my C25K is a 9 week program. I have programs set in front of me telling me exactly what I need todo and it scares the crap out of me. The pacesetter program is called rutbusting and it has allot to do w/ the way our brain works and why we are stuck in the ruts we are stuck in and Lord knows I stuck in a couple ruts that I am trying to break out of. So I asked DH today WHY? Why do do I fight it all so much? DH started to say something & I interrupted him and said "Do you think it is just laziness" He said "Well I wasn't going to say it the bluntly but honestly what are you going to do today when we get home? Sit on the couch and do nothing really, unless the boys need something then you will get up and take care of it." I am so afraid that of being busy and not being there for my family if & when they need me, that I truly take it to the other extreme and no nothing so I can be there. That is my excuse my family is my Why & I use them as my why not. When it comes down to it if I can do these things now I will be able to be there for my family even more. I'll be healthier & able to play more & do more things then lets have quiet time on our electronics. If I take my MK to the next step I can quit my other job, set my own hours and go on every field trip and be there when ever my family needs me. As of tonight I am sure I need to do these things. I've been praying & praying God show me what to do and is the silence because he has already told me or is it the constant things that come up w/ my health & MK Him prodding me to what I am suppose to be doing.
Once my MK Director asked me has people ever told you that you can't handle much? I told her all the time. Because of my anxiety I've been told to be careful, don't overwhelm your self, etc. Ever since I've had panic attacks I have been overly cautious. And all this doing nothing guided me into depression, that through God I have overcome. So now how do I break this habit? That is right back to the rutbusting program I am doing. I told DH I tell myself I just need to do everything to my fullest for 30 days and see what happens. I know good things will be headed my way if I do that and that is huge steps in the directions in all areas of my life that I need to be headed. So from 10/7 thru 11/6 that is 30 days. 30 days of counting calories, 30 days of C25K, 30 days of following my rutbusting plan.
There is this commercial by Nike called rise & shine. I want to wake up to it everyday it is AMAZING. Still trying to figure out how to make it my alarm. If this doesn't motivate you to keep going I don't think anything will.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
I want to run in the rain.
I want to be one of those avid runners that are even out running in the rain. I see them from time to time I mean it does rain ALOT around here. And I am not meaning in the nasty of nasty but I want to become a person that needs to get a run in. I don't know why or where the desire to run is coming from. We finally got a treadmill!! We got a Nordictrack T7 off of craigslist & it looks practically new and it is pretty quiet.
I have been bingeing really bad lately. PMS week was horrible this month. Again not an excuse. I am quickly running out of time before we get family pictures taken. I've decided no matter my size we need a family picture this holiday season. I was thinking we will just go into Picture people even though I would rather go to someplace nicer but that will cost more money. So picture people will work just fine. Our last professional family pictures were when Noah was 9 months old & I had been on LA weight loss and was down to 155 lbs. I am thinking we'll get pics done early Dec So best case I have 2 months and that can be about 15 lbs. I am sure I have gained since Monday so I am probably right back up to my 180. I am feeling very uncomfortable and large. You know when you are self conscious in a sweat shirt that isn't a good sign. My goal is to get up and get on the tread mill tomorrow morning. Alarm is set! That would make tomorrow Day 1 of my couch to 5K. I have no motivation to start trying tomorrow. I don't feel prepared or ready and maybe that is even more of a reason that I need to push thru to prove that I can do it w/o the "perfect" set of circumstances.
I have been bingeing really bad lately. PMS week was horrible this month. Again not an excuse. I am quickly running out of time before we get family pictures taken. I've decided no matter my size we need a family picture this holiday season. I was thinking we will just go into Picture people even though I would rather go to someplace nicer but that will cost more money. So picture people will work just fine. Our last professional family pictures were when Noah was 9 months old & I had been on LA weight loss and was down to 155 lbs. I am thinking we'll get pics done early Dec So best case I have 2 months and that can be about 15 lbs. I am sure I have gained since Monday so I am probably right back up to my 180. I am feeling very uncomfortable and large. You know when you are self conscious in a sweat shirt that isn't a good sign. My goal is to get up and get on the tread mill tomorrow morning. Alarm is set! That would make tomorrow Day 1 of my couch to 5K. I have no motivation to start trying tomorrow. I don't feel prepared or ready and maybe that is even more of a reason that I need to push thru to prove that I can do it w/o the "perfect" set of circumstances.
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