It looks like DH is going to be safe from this round of layoffs but we don't know if he will survive the next round. So my goal of being a SAHM are not only going away but there is a possibility that I will have to work even more w/o any chance of it going towards my goal of being a SAHM. I have been at battle w/ the devil over so many struggles & this fight is just to hard. I am relying on God's help to get me through cause I can't do this. This is not something I am capable of on my own I need His help.
I keep on reaching these points that I think are my rock bottom only to find I think I've gone deeper. I am taking stuff out on my children which is never ok and because we are trying to adhere to a strict budget because of possible lay offs or plays of me to quit I don't have retail therapy to turn to for comfort so I am turning to food. I know it is only a band aid until literally I am done eating the last bite cause that is when the guilt sets in. My last post I wrote last week talked about changing my focus and I am trying to keep my focus on God but I know that the other 1/2 of that is I have to do my part. God could make it so I couldn't put food in my own mouth but he isn't going to be that drastic he expects me to make the choices & do the work so he can bless it.
I got an elliptical machine from someone at work. It is pretty basic & wobbly but I am hoping it will do the trick & I've asked my Mom to watch the boys 1 evening a week so DH & I can go for a bike ride. So that is what we are suppose to do tonight but I find my self in the depths & would rather go to a movie. I should go for that ride w/ DH it is not only good for my health but hopefully it will be bonding time w/ him cause I am spending time doing something w/ him that he enjoys so much. The whole idea of dieting & exercising makes me cranky! Then all the crap about how it can't be a diet it has to be a life style change & even though I do agree w/ that right now I feel like telling them to shut the heck up because I don't care who you are if you are used to eating crap like I am & then try to cut back & change what you eat it is going to SUCK! I keep thinking maybe I need something drastic, I've said this before in my blogs, but then the whole thing about once you eat real food you gain it all back. But here I am w/ the knowledge of how to lose weight. I know exactly what to eat, how often to eat, how often to exercise and yet I do NONE of it. I look back to the times I've been successful and granted I was cranky for a day or two but then I seemed fine. For some reason when I do well I screw it up by thinking well I deserve a treat cause I am way ahead of my weight loss schedule of 2 lbs a week. So I eat something a little junky. And mind you it isn't like I go to McDonalds and get a meal as my reward, normally it is just a bite of this or that but then the bites turn into snacks & then snacks into meals & I have then gained back all that I'd lost.
So all this back & forth I know what to do but don't & don't feel like doing it. I'm tired I'm worn my heart is heavy....
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