Day 4...

Can't seem to go a whole day w/o messing up. Today I did great all day again until dinner & then we went out for Mexican.  I just want to stuff my face w/ nachos, chocolate & pop!!!  I have not pop or nachos, we do have chocolate in the house because of starting to potty train DS2 but I am still doing pretty well w/o chocolate.  The 10 day cleanse is 1/2 way through & I've lost nothing!! All because I have no discipline.  My DH again says that a day here & there is OK & that is how life works. I know on WW I wouldn't have felt like I was doing so bad because of the eating out guide.  I will continue w/ the cleanse & then start the vitamin packs & see if that helps w/ my appetite control.

I have such highs & lows everyday. Earlier today I was going to conquer the world. LOL!  I was going to clean the house after I went to Costco then go to the gym when DH got home. I had thought about how important this is for me & how I CAN DO IT & I was excited. Then I came home & sat down for lunch. And it all went down hill after that. I didn't do anything by the time DH got home he then got cranky cause the house was such a mess. The kitchen was a mess so we didn't want to cook, so we went out to eat. Then because the house was a mess we didn't want to go home so we went and wandered around Cabella's until the boys bedtime then came home. Now it is late there is NO way I am heading to the gym & I am fighting my late night munchies I get every night.  *AAARRRUUUGGG!!"

Day 3...

Well I did it again. Did super good during the day but tonight DH & I had a movie date night & went to Cinnebar & had potato skins & a brownie.  DH still thinks if I splurge a day or two here & there it won't spoil the hard work on the rest of the days. When I lost all that weight on LA weight loss every Wed & Thur I would splurge & eat like crazy gain at least 3 lbs & then spend the rest of the week trying to lose it again plus some & I did.  We were listening to Linkin Park on the way home & some of the lyrics from "Crawling" make me think of me so much.


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

[Chorus]

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge:]


Hoping that I will see results even w/ these couple days I've not kept exactly to the plan. Should go to the gym tomorrow. It has been over 2 weeks but DH has errands to run early so I am not sure I will make it but I am setting my alarm to be out of here by 6:45. How ever here it is 2AM.  

Day 2 of 24 Day Challenge

Well Day one went perfect. So good in fact my weigh in was 169.8 this morning. HOWEVER I totally blew it tonight.  I did well all day & then when I got home, we have all had a nasty chest cold, so we were all a little cranky & he said lets go to Dick's for dinner. My FAVORITE greasy burger & fries EVER!! I caved.  I did only get one cheese burger & fry instead of 2 like normal but then My Mom called.  She asked me to go out to Outback w/ her & a friend so I did & ordered a salad. Then they gave us a free Bloomin Onion & it was the best Bloomin Onion we have had in a looooooong time. So I ate WAY to much today.

In true me fashion let the beat your self up begin! I have been ragging on myself because I can't even keep on a diet for 2 whole days & then it spreads to every area of my life.  I think about what would happen in my life if I actually did what I planned to do. I would not just have dreams come true I would be making them come true.  I would be healthy, fit & happy w/ me. My MK biz would be booming  I would be able to leave the job I hate & stay at home w/ my boys.  DH told me tonight that maybe I need to starting focusing on the things that while change for us as a family if I put myself first.

Tomorrow is a new day & I plan on the rest of this time to go the way it should!!

Who's afraid of spandex??? Apparently I'm not....

Good Morning of Day 1 of my 24 day challenge.  So far so good. I downed that nasty drink & had eggs & fruit from breakfast.  My morning weigh in is 172 lbs. And I took my before pics it always irritates me when I see before & after pics of people that didn't have much to lose in the first place that where loose clothing in the first one & then spandex in the second. So I took my pic in full on spandex & will take my pic on day 24 in the same outfit.

I appologize for the lack of make up. EEKKK!! Didn't notice that until I was posting these pics.  As you can see I also smiled in my before pic something most people don't do & then I always think well of course your face looks better your smiling this time. LOL!!   I realize this maybe the first time some of you may have seen what I look like SO you can see how much of an apple shape I really am. Hopefully at the end of 24 days we will all be able to see some change.

My Measurements....

So I took my measurements today & tomorrow I will take my before pics & my start weight.

Bust:  45" (the same as it was in March)
Chest: 38 1/2" (right under bra)
Waist: 45 1/2 " (right at belly button)
Hips:
R thigh: 24"
R Calf: 14"

All the products came today like I expected so tomorrow I have to down the fiber drink.  Personally I think it is like drinking drano.  I do not like it at all & I will always gag at some point, gag to the point that I have fight w/ all I have to keep it down.  I have "done" the cleanse before w/ no results but didn't diet at all while I was doing it. Why I don't know but the rules are pretty simple, meat (preferably lean), Dairy, Fruit & Veggies & all carbs need to be whole grain. My luck is potatoes are technically OK so I will be having eggs in the morning. I think I will hard boil some as well for work. I could have hard boiled eggs & wheat peanut butter toast. YUM!! This will be the first time I have used the MMS C vitamin packets but it doesn't have the extra energy & between my antidepressants & the MMC 3 (that includes the extra energy)  I had a panic attack so bad I threw up, 3 times!!! o_o   So I am hoping this will not have adverse effects & I will be taking Catalist for the first time & this is suppose to help you keep your muscle & lose more fat.

I am at the point right now where I really want to see what will happen if I stick to it.  24 days isn't that long it is just a little over 3 weeks.  I will have to watch what I eat when we go to Great Wolf & on the 4th of July but I have pulled it off before. Just need to pack smart foods. Everyone keeps reminding me that I know what to do I just need to do it.  Fingers crossed that the cleanse takes away some cravings & the vitamins that help control my appetite will help get my eating under control.

Hoping this chest cold passes quickly.

My chest cold is still kicking my butt. I am coughing my head off & I can't stand it. I did reschedule my training session for Wed so hopefully I'll be feeling better by then.  My 24 day challenge will arrive tomorrow but I am sure it will be to late in the day to start it so I am still planning on starting Wednesday.   I plan on taking my measurements although I am sure they are the same as my trainer took in March.  I'll have my Mom help me so that they are accurate & also take my pics, I am going to do front, back & profile pics.  I should print them out & place them on my fridge & cupboards that alone should be enough to make me eat correctly.  DH & I talked about me going to the gym in the morning for just cardio & then my weight training on Wed afternoons & Sat Mornings. He thinks I should just do my cardio around here by going for a run then I could sleep in even more.  So I told him I would rather go for a bike ride than a run. So he is going to take me out & show me some local routes that aren't to difficult.

"The way to get started......

We had the boys B-Day party w/ the family this weekend & DS2 ended up w/ a double ear infection. We have all be fighting this chest cold & his went into his ears so he spent the whole party laying around. Now I have it full blown & am thinking about rescheduling my training session tomorrow until Wednesday but then it will have been 2 weeks since I've been to the gym.  I am in SEVEAR depression mode.  I had gotten to the point where even if something negative was going on I could find the positive. (like the glad game from Pollyanna) But now I am slipping back into my self destructive mode. I was eating chocolate in small quantities. Like the Hershey Bliss size but I found my self craving it more & getting in a funk even.  I am starting to wonder if that has something to do w/ my depression.  I know that chocolate causes you to release endorphins that make you happy & maybe they also are part of my crashes. I've even been contemplating a trip back to the Dr to have my depression meds upped. I have ordered the cleanse & vitamins from Advocare again.  I even overnight shipped them so I will be getting them on Tuesday so I can start on Wednesday.  I hate the cleanse part because it tastes SO bad but I am hoping it will help w/ the cravings & I got a whole canister of Spark in hopes that I can get off 98% of my pop intake.  I still plan on having one w/ dinner but right now I am drinking at least 3 a day and that is 150-220 calories each.  I am drinking my calories away.  As for eating during the cleanse I am not sure they say to stick to lean proteins, whole grains & fruits & veggies, This means I need to maybe have toast w/ peanut butter at work for breakfast & stick to eggs at home.  DH says I need to figure out my meal plan & calories for the meals so I can plan that way too. We have a TON of meat in our freezers; Fish, Chicken, Steak, pork, beef......  I think I am going to try the calorie thing cause hopefully it will help me cut the pop out because that is wasted calories.

So my goal is to complete the Advocare 24 Day challenge starting Wednesday. 24 days seems like such a short time but if it can help me get on track I NEED to do this.  I have even been contemplating taking all my spending money & paying for an extra training session every week for a month.  But I've also realized that the best time for me to go to the gym is Mon & Fri Mornings before work meaning I need to leave here by 5:40AM but then I am not taking time away from my family & that will help w/ the guilt part of it.  So I know my trainer doesn't want to do that, he has told me he isn't a morning person. So I think OK Wed evening after DH gets home from work I will train w/ him then Mon, Fri & Sat Mornings I'll go my self.  So two days weight training & two days cardio.  I could even make Mon & Fri my cardio days & that means I don't have to leave as early cause I a don't need the full 40 mins so I could leave at 6AM & be back here by 7AM to shower.  This is going to take allot of preplanning.  I am going to need to pack lunches, get the boys stuff ready to go the night before along w/ my gym clothes & my work clothes.  Plus the dinner planning. This will not be easy or fun but SOOOOO worth it.  I need to take some time in the next two days to get this going.  I need this chest cold to go away so I can get to the gym.

The STP is less that 24 days away so part of my 24 day challenge I will be on "vacation" Well meeting DH at the 1/2 way point & we are all staying at the Great Wolf Lodge. I will have to pack veggies, fruits & I will have to be creative for dinner while were are there.  I am also helping throw my BFF's baby shower at her Mom's that day on our way down to Great Wolf.  But my BFF is having massive gall stone issues w/ this pregnancy so everything at her shower has to be fat free or she can't eat it so that won't be a problem there.

I need to realize that I am worth doing this, that this is going to improve the Mom I am to my kids.  Then maybe I will stop feeling guilty about taking the time to do this.  This is kind of me time that I don't enjoy. Maybe this is also why it is hard because I figure if I am going to have me time I want to be w/ my family snacking & visiting.  Well lets start the planing & preparing. The starting line is only 2 days away.   I plan on taking before & after measurements & pics.  Lets see what this 24 day challenge can do when you actually stick to it & complete it. I am hoping for an 8-10 lbs weight loss & at least 5 over all inches.  I am going to try to post something every day of the challenge & I will post my measurements & before pics as well.

It's Sabotage....

My DH is looking so good.  I mean I find my self checking him out ALL THE TIME!! He just got under 200 lbs he is 5' 10'' and all this bike riding & getting him in such great shape.  The part that sucks is my internal reaction to that is frustration, jealousy & depression.  The instant I think about how great he is looking in those jeans, I think how terrible I look & how he can't possibly look at me & think thoughts like this about me.  *Sigh*  He is out riding in the rain right now after he rode 190 miles this weekend and I can't even get to the gym.

I rescheduled my training session for this wednesday so it will be will be 3 weeks w/ only 2 trips to the gym.  I am in trouble It is going to be like day one 3 months ago.  SO FRUSTRATING!!!  I am in total shut down mode & trying to push past it.  I know God has grand plans for me & this is a large part of what is holding me back in so many ways.

 Last night I spent a while online looking at different diet programs.  I need accountability and the way WW does it didn't work for me.  I LOVE the way LA Weight Loss did it; one on one.  That was motivating cause I had to sit across from someone & explain what I ate. My Trainer says we can work on food when I want but he doesn't want me to worry about it until I get working out under control & that obliviously isn't under control yet.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I am so stuck!  It is so frustrating & esp when I know that it comes down to really just a decision and why can't I make it & make it stick.  I feel the need to do something drastic.  I don't know what I just know I need to see some results to help me stick to it cause so far I just have 3 months of working out & NOTHING!!!  But I don't want to use any pills or cut out any food groups.  I want to do it the right way. My SIL was prescription Fen Fen for 3 months & the my brother got put on it too. She lost 30 lbs in 3 month & my Brother is only at the end of month 1 & he is down 20.  They have the same Dr. as me & he told me just to tell her that I can't put the fork down.  But w/ my anxiety disorder I can't take stuff like that. It would make me go even crazier than I already am.  My SIL called me the 2nd day she had taken it & had been up since like 3AM unable to sleep totally buzzed cause the stuff is basically speed it speeds up your metabolism crazy fast & takes away your appetite & practically your desire for food. SIL had a really hard time making her self eat on it cause she said food wasn't appealing at all.   They all try not to talk about their weight losses around me cause they know how mentally self destructive I get seeing all of them melt away & NOTHING happening for me. It comes down to self sabotage for some reason my mind/body is fighting this so hard I barley have time for anything.  This makes me so depressed that I literally get NOTHING  done not house work, MK work, hobbies I am even have an extremely short fuse w/ my kids & that isn't fair to them. I need to figure this out. I HAVE to make something work!  But what???

Going no where fast.....

So, here I am I have hardly made it to the gym for the last 2 1/2 weeks & I meet w/ my training for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks tomorrow. I am going to DIE!! I wish I was seeing results from working out. I cut back my training sessions to every other week this month to save money but then as soon as I didn't have a session I didn't go.  Why is it so hard to be disciplined for me??  I am realizing that I still feel guilty when ever I go to the gym because that is more time away from my family.  I also still fill guilty working my business for the same reasons.  I feel like the easy way out is to just focus on one thing but then again I am not willing to give up my business & I really don't want to be overweight, out of shape, unhealthy & feel unattractive anymore.

DH has been training for the STP bike ride & he has been riding at least twice a week for a few months now, granted he did take a couple weeks off here there. But this is such a commitment for him & something he wants to do & so I am being as supportive as I can. And I am sure he doesn't feel guilty about going on rides and he shouldn't! He needs these rides to prepare him for the STP.   He is always telling me to go to the gym but it is SO hard to leave when the house is in chaos. My 2 year old is going through separation anxiety & w/ my regular job, my business & working out I feel like I am not getting the family time I want.  I keep on telling myself all this is a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. I just can't seem to get past the guilt in my mind.  I don't fault ANYONE else for going to the gym/working out so why do I fault myself for it??  I don't even know if it is motivational issues like I've always assumed it was. I think it may really be the guilt talking me out of things. It makes more since as to why i am not sticking to it.  I get stressed about my family time. But then this doesn't explain why I haven't been successful at dieting.  That doesn't take any time away from my family but the guilt is 90% of the reason I eat.  I get depressed because of what I haven't done & how I could be at my goal weight by now or at least 1/2 way there.  So frustrated!!!!  And I hesitate to say well tomorrow is the day because I have failed so many times. Need to remember that a failure is an event not the person. But it is hard to disconnect the two.