Can't seem to stop eating...

So this week I managed to make it to the gym 3 times already & I am planning on going again tomorrow morning. So if I count Monday as the start of my week that is 4 times last week!! That is huge. I did my trainer routuine twice & tomorrow will make my second day of 30 mins of cardio.  Yet  I manage to gain weight this week. I am still not over eating & on Thursday & Friday I didn't eat to bad at all. But DH is still losing down 20 lbs now & I am still gaining.  Now truth be told I am not gaining & gaining just fluctuating between 168-170 but I am never 168 for more than a day.  I would LOVE to see it start going down steadily instead of down less than a lb & then right back up.

The horrible thing about it all  is eating right is just a decision away.  I know what you're thinking. No it's not that easy, it takes more than that.  But really think about it.  It isn't when we make a true decision we run w/ it.  Like my decision to get a trainer, to stop eating chocolate & drinking diet pop, to start my MK business. All those things have come to pass because one day I said I decided.  When I truly decide to change my eating I will be able to do it. I've done it in the past but for some reason I keep on giving myself reasons not to.  I say tomorrow I will start then I tell myself well you need a good breakfast, those calories really won't make that big of a difference, you're exercising now anyways.  Or I'll eat good for lunch but figure that gives me the right to eat what I want the rest of the day.  I am very much still about self gratification through my eating habits figure I've cut out chocolate & diet pop & I still want that on a daily basis but I resist.  Then I feel justified to eat the other things.  I am trying to decide what rough to take, & this too is just another excuse,  I don't know if I should go w/ weight watchers, the LA weight loss route or just try counting calories.  I got the spark people app on my phone & that has a great database of food but the idea of calorie counting bugs me it sounds like to much work. The points w/ WW was pretty simple but still lots of work.  I was thinking about LA weight loss again it was super simple. 2 proteins, 2 starches, 3 veggies, 3 fruits, 3 condiments. The one thing that bugged me about that was that what if I wanted more than 2 proteins a day like bacon & eggs for diner that is a good protein filled meal but not on my list.  Again like I said these are all excuses to delay to decision.

I have been having mini breakthroughs in so many areas of my life & I feel that if I can conquer this I will be able to have even more because my weight & self esteem is such a big part of what holds me back & is a large part of my lack of self worth.  Should my weight have this large of an effect on my WHOLE life? NO, absolutely not & I am covering new ground everyday in that battle but I think this would be a huge step in the right direction.

The last few days from Hell.....

Well, The last few days have been complete Hell. Only because of what I manage to do to myself.  Complete & total self sabotage.  I beat myself up all week about what I wasn't doing & I just sat depressed & did nothing to change it. Had my schedule all set out to get my MK stuff done & booking calls made & got juice to juice during my days off & didn't do any of it!  SO then I just beat myself up. It effects my mood so much, I get depressed & cranky & want to do nothing & my kids & DH feel it and I feel bad. So I made myself go to the gym tonight when I didn't want to & on the way over there God & I had a chat.  I started wondering why these last few days were so terrible then God made me realize that it is because I am close to a break through. The statement the calm before the storm really is backwards in this situation. I am about to break through in so many areas of my life and the devil is fighting against me because he knows how powerful I will be w/o these things weighing me down & holding me back.  I still feel I need a go to phrase of verse that I can chant when I feel frustrated. SO I am on the hunt & I will share but tomorrow is going to be an AWESOME day!

Tomorrow....

So tomorrow is several things it is my 5th week w/ my trainer & it marks 8 weeks w/o chocolate or Diet pop.  So at my first training consult he told me not to expect results for 6-8 weeks & I thought that was ridiculous but here we are going on week 5 & I have nothing to show for it!  Only because I am not dieting.  I am worried that because I have been "training" for over 30 days he will want to retake my measurements & that there will be no change. He told me that because my working out is so limited I would really need to focus on my food & I still haven't really done that. Last week was better but still no where near what it needs to be. Considering Juicing Tue & Wed.  The only problem there is I got allot of fruit at the grocery store & I don't want it to go bad.  I need to do something to reset my brain so I am not always in a Oh well attitude about food.

I need a trigger statement or something. So that every time I think it doesn't matter & want that instant gratification of eating I can say something to my self that makes me stop & regroup.... All thought the statement: "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" really irritates me, LOL!! So that will not be what I think. I have been working against my negativing & lack of self worth allot lately so I am being attacked ALLOT more.  It is really taking it's tole but I know God will bring me through to the other side to be the person He intends me to be. :-)

The possibilities of 5 months!

I have almost exactly 5 months until Hawaii.  I've been thinking & talking to DH about how much I could accomplish in 5 short months.  Not only could I lose around 40 lbs I could also move up in my career path & become a Director in MK. Directorship means being able to pay off debt & then eventually quit my other job & be home w/ my boys & work my schedule when I want to work. Being able to take DS1 too & pick up from school.  I just thought of something I hadn't before & that is the opportunity to attend field trips.  His preschool has always just happened to have them on my days off. But I bet there will be Monday or Friday field trips and I want to be a part of that, like my Mom was.  I can add that to my "Why".  Focusing on losing weight won't take much more time away if I managed to eat right.  That is a big part of why I am not losing weight.  Sure I am working out now & not eating anymore food than I was before but I am drinking regular pop & that is added calories.  I am terrified that when the time comes to take measurements w/ my trainer again I will not have any change.  I really need to start & stop putting this all off until tomorrow, cause we all know tomorrow never comes.

I have been working really hard on my negative thoughts & I am getting much better at them. So I don't beat myself up as much but still not where I think I am capable of doing things. My new empowering

phrase is Proverbs 31:25

 

This verse inhabits everything I want to be.  I know working to become this women will not be easy but it is something that God will bless my efforts to achieve it.

My personal training sessions are going well except for the fact that I didn't make it back to the gym or for a bike ride this week & my apt isn't until Wednesday this week.  I am going to try to only eat carbs once a day the rest of this week & I think that will help w/ my reset my thinking for eating right.  That way I am not cutting it out but I am bring down the amounts.  I canceled my WW membership because it was $40 a month & I wasn't going to the meetings. I downloaded another app that helps you track points but I don't really like it.  So I downloaded Sparkpeople & that goes by calories & I am thinking about going that route it's database of food is much larger than even the WW app was.

Well I should try to get some sleep I have sick boys in my house: DH, DS1 & DS2 so I have been working hard on being there for all 3 of them. This means been up for the last 2 nights w/ DS2, dealing w/ emotional melt downs from DS1 & then the hubby well we all know that when mean get sick they turn into big babies.

One last thought; today marks 7 successful weeks of no chocolate in any candy form. Oh and no diet pop either.

Better start eating right

Hawaii is 22 weeks away still time to lose 44 lbs. However I worked out really well this week we are talking my training routine twice at the gym, a 12 mile bike ride & a little hike. And yet I still managed I gain weight somehow. :-/ I have been 169-170. I am not eating more so I don't know what I going in. My trainer say that I can't pay any attention tithe scale yet cause I started lighting weights. I don't know I am glad we took measurements & I hope in a couple weeks when we retake them that I can see a difference there. I packed up my snacks for tomorrow & I have a WW app on my phone again & I need to start tracking again. The App I have isn't the official WW app so it's list of Pre entered food is pretty lame. So it isn't easy to enter the info yet but that is just an excuse. Anyways, just wanted to pop in. I will update again soon.

Week 3 and Gaining

So tomorrow is my 3rd training session w/ my trainer and I have been gaining weight steadily. 😒 I haven't been eating anymore food but I haven't been eating less either. I think part of the blame goes to the amount of regular pop I started drinking since going off I diet pop & chocolate. This is the first week thy I've done more exercise than just my training session. So I ha my session on Monday & then I went back in on Friday & did it again, then we went for our first family bike ride of the season on Saturday. We did 12 miles so that was a vast improvement from my first bike ride last year. I am sure some I the lunges & leg presses helped w/ that. Then today we went for a walk/hike to explore this park by our house. I was in my skirt still from
church. So this was not planned or expected but it did make me sweat & get a bit winded. Needless to say w/ all the extra leg work this weekend I am not looking forward to the gym tomorrow. I took a look at the measurements he took on our first day of training & that are not good. My chest & stomach (aka around largest part of books & at belly button) are the SAME!! I am like a tree! If I am remembering the number right it was 45inches. 45 INCHES 8-0 I am only 59 inches tall! So back to the blog title about the Hippo, remember hippos are as wide as they are long, so I am only 14 inches from that. NOT GOOD!!!

However, even in light of all this I am feeling positive about this week. Got some fruit & salad for work tomorrow. And I am still working through thinks w/ God and I can do ALL things through Him. He is Risen, Happy Easter!!!

It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high

So much has been going on.  I had this massive epiphany, thanks to my loving SIL.  I always known I've had low self esteem & blamed my weight problem etc.  Well I came to realize that my route of 99% of my issues w/ weight, self esteem, worrying, even my relationship w/ God has been effected by this. So it's not just self esteem I have no self worth.  I honestly have the feeling that I am not worth anything to anyone not even God.  The reason I won't fly w/o a bunch of my family is because I don't believe that God would keep me safe because I am not worth it. The reason I feel inadequate for my husband & always worry about him leaving me is because I don't feel I am anything.  I don't stick to things because I don't deserve them or I am not worth it.  WOW what a terrible/wonderful realization to come to. After 32 years of my life I know I wasn't brought up this way so I happened later on.  When DH & I were first married I didn't feel like this I would have flown to the moon w/ just him no worries.  I know that my depression & anxiety have taken a hold of me & started attacking my self worth.  Because I felt like a burden to people w/ how crazy I am.  I now realize these are not of God & not the way He made me. He made me & then broke the mold there is no one else out there like me. And my amazing Husband only has eyes for me. God made us for each other.  I have had a very difficult past couple weeks after coming to this realization.  I have been fighting the devil & all the thoughts of self doubt & lack of self worth that come into my brain. That is not the way God wants me to think or talk about his creation. I have been doing lots of affirmations in the mornings to help & it is helping allot!  But the fight is a daily struggle & I've told my husband & he had no idea I felt that way about my self & it kind of made him understand a little about why I have my crazy thoughts & feelings.

So we are on a new path of self appreciation & acknowledging that I am worth allot. I am a Child of the most high King. My husband loves me & picked me.  I just got back from MK Career Conference & am motivation to use this to get my business to the next level so that I can quit my other Job & do something I love: Teach & help women enrich their lives.  I have my first recruit on my team & I know this is where God wants me. He has brought me back here several times & this time I am hear to stay & praying & trusting God to bring me through to Directorship.

I also started training sessions w/ a personal trainer last week & I about died. LOL!  It took about 4 days until all the soreness went away & today I went again & he kicked my butt again. I mean my legs already hurt & he said well you did better this time so we will make it 3 sets next week. I feel like saying are you crazy I barely survived.  I have never sweat this much during work outs. It is madness. Well it is late & I should sleep. For those of you wonder I am still off Chocolate candy & Diet Pop & with the 5 1/2 hour drive to Career Conference this last weekend it was a hard task. I wanted Chocolate for the trip soooooo bad but I stuck to my guns & haven't had the stuff yet.