The: And then some....

In my pink bubble world, also know as Mary Kay, they refer to the "and then some" allot. There are people that do just the minimum and then there are people who do the and then some. Can you get results by doing the bare min? Of course, you can get good results by doing the minimum required. Can you get even better and faster results if you did just a little bit more than the bare minimum? Yep!  And then you have people like me who push off doing even the bare minimum. *sigh* I am trying to rectify this by doing my training runs but now so late in the game trying to do such large distances is probably why I am having so many issues with injuries.  My 3 miles this weekend and my 30 mins today were both walked.

This weekend's long run is suppose to be 11 miles. The furthest I've gone is 8 miles and 11 is in the double digits! Just thinking about it makes my throat get tight.  I feel so far behind in my training, During my 30 min walk today, I tried to run and I feel like I've lost the ability to run. My muscles just seem to give up  almost immediately, or I am in pain. Until just two weeks ago, I wasn't doing my 30 min runs during the week. I was killing myself during my long runs because I wasn't prepared. Then spent the next week trying to recuperate. Then I would do the 3 miles the next weekend and aggravate what I had injured in the last long run and spend the next week resting to make sure the pain was gone for my next long run. I feel like I need to go back to the beginning.

There are 8 weeks until our half in Disneyland and we are almost to a tapering on our long runs. I don't feel like it would be a good idea for me to taper. I am not ready to taper because I haven't done enough work yet. I have decided to tweak my training.  I found another highly recommended training program and it doesn't tapper. It only has you running up to 10 miles instead of 12 miles. But they say that the excitement of the day will carry you the last 3.1 miles so it isn't necessary to go further than 10 miles, interesting concept. I bounced the idea of switching up training off my hubby. We discussed how the longer week day runs will take me longer but we both feel it is important to helping me be better prepared. I tweaked it a bit and here is my training schedule for the next 8 weeks.

And to make sure I am getting back to the basics for my longer week day runs I will be doing the C25K work outs. C25K only takes about a half hour and a 4 mile run should take me a little over an hour right now. My goal is to basically do the C25K work out for that week and day 2 times. If I have to walk, I will walk but this will get me back to basics. Looking at this schedule I don't feel scared like I do with my present one that feels to be coming to an end. With only an 11 mile and two 12 mile long runs left, and I don't feel ready for them.  This will get more miles under my belt and help me feel better prepared. BFF is running her first half marathon this weekend and she is ready for the Tinkerbell half now. Since she is jumping the half marathon gun I am not sure what her plans for training are after this weekend. She said she is going to be looking for another half to do before then. So we are both changing it up a little bit but I think it is defiantly for the better. :-)

Murphy's Law

As Murphy's Law would have it my last post was about how I was going to spend my day off prepping to start back on WW full throttle on Friday. Wed afternoon my house was taken over by the stomach flu. My oldest came down with, then the next morning was acting like he was hallucinating. I was an hysterical mess. A trip to the Dr and some anti nausea meds later and we find out we are dealing with the stomach flu and his 2 episodes of what seemed like hallucinating were basically night terrors. His body was so tired from being sick the lights were on but no one was home and he was having nightmares and had eyes open and talking to us about all the horrible things but not making any sense. So I've stayed home and accomplished absolutely nothing! We were even suppose to be at Great Wolf Lodge this weekend for BFF's son's birthday and we had to miss that too. As if I thought good old Murphy was done with me I think I broke my toe.  I was getting my youngest's blanket from the back of a chair and hubby's macbook air was on the front of the same chair. Well I guess the blanket wasn't just on the back but all they way under his macbook and I dropped it and only the corner of it landed on my middle toe. It hurt so bad!!! I told hubby I think it might be broken and he said well if it starts turning black and blue we'll know.

Isn't it pretty.

So this just sucks!! Good news is I can walk on it I am worried about running and slapping my feet down on pavement but we will know how that goes tomorrow.  I plan on running first thing in the morning and getting my 3 miles in for this weekend. Next weekend is 11 miles on our training schedule. I really wish I had the 9.3 15K under my belt but alas we all know how that went down. And now BFF thinks we should just go ahead and do a half next weekend. O_O  A friend of ours is doing one that has no time limit on a pretty flat course next Sunday. I don't quite know how I feel about this yet. When she texted me and said our friend is trying to talk her into it I was like yeah go for it. I'll just go out to the trail and run while hubby rides his bike and she is all I am talking about you too. I told her but I might die. LOL!! I did once upon a time while looking at our training schedule thought it would be nice to know what the 13.1 miles looks and feels like before Disney, this way Disney won't be as intimidating because we know we can do it cause he have already done it before.  It would show me how off my time is and give me a gauge of how much faster I'll have to go as well. I still don't know at this point. I'll start with my 3 miles on my most likely broken toe tomorrow and see how that goes.

"The year of Sue"

We recently started watching a TV show called "The Middle". We love this show! The middle child's name on the show is Sue and poor Sue is never noticed, remembered or gets anything she tries out for and yet she is resilient and stays positive. No matter how many times she gets rejected or turned down she keeps on trying.  This current season she is a senior in high school and she has deemed it "The year of Sue"  She decided that this is going to be her year and nothing and no one is going to change that. The whole point is that no matter what happens she keeps on going and pushing on.

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. My birthday always feels like a new year and an opportunity for a fresh start.  I started feeling like I should deem it "The Year of Me" (like Sue)? This is also a time I reflect on things not accomplished as well. My phone said I had a couple gig in emails so I went through all my emails and deleted stuff as far back as March 2012. 3 years of emails! As I went through them I found many emails from weight watchers, body bug, Jillian  Michaels, La weight loss at home, fit bit, 5K confirmations. All the attempts to lose weight and not sticking with any of them. I feel myself torn in tow directions. One direction is the the change I feel like I need to make the other direction is the familiar and comfortable. 

I feel such a strong desire to stick to my diet and my exercise plan. I desire change and yet I am so afraid that history will repeat it's self.  Just the thought of all this gives me butterflies. I am prepping for all this to change to start on Friday: meal planning, grocery shopping, gym bag packing, and I am terrified. 

My first and hopefully last DNF (Did Not Finish)

Today was the day of our Hot Chocolate 15K. I was scared to death knowing that my pace has been near the 15 min requirement I was worried but thought maybe I can pick up time here and there to make it work. Hubby was so supportive and truly believed I could do it.

Here is us before

We were both a little ill from the whole idea of doing a 15K. Our corral start was based on what we entered as our pace, so she was way ahead of me and I was in the back. At first it was going good. We took off and I felt like hey I'm not doing so bad, but I forgot to start my watch so my watch milage was a little off. I started feeling like it was time to walk and looked at my garmin and I had ran for almost half a whole half mile.  It had been just under 5 mins since turning on my watch and me being at a half a mile!  I thought perfect if I can keep this up this is going to be no problem.  Just after mile one there were porta potty and I had to pee, I stopped and that took 2 mins and who knows how many people passed me then.  Then it happened. I could see the pacers and the police car that was right behind them.

I thought ok no big deal now you know were they are just make sure they stay about the same distance behind you. The amount of up hill incline on this run was crazy. We went all the way down to Pike Place down at the water then we had to get all the way back up to Woodland Park via the Battery St tunnel and across the Aurora bridge, to our turn around point. I knew there were a few people behind me but I could no longer see them and I could see the pacers on bikes. So I came to grips with the fact that you know what finishing last wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, just keep going they are still about a half a mile behind you.  

I was pacing a couple other walkers that were walking faster than I was so I played leap frog. I would run and pass them, then let them pass me and so on. I get to the bridge like the flatest part of the entire run just a little over a mile from the final turn around. We has been climbing a steady incline to this bridge and I was telling myself that I would make up this time on the bridge and going down the hill we just came up, and they cut me off. O_O Right as I got to the bridge they told me I had to turn there, what?  I quickly looked for the pacers that were still in the same spot I left them so WTFrick??? Still confused I look at my watch and I still have plenty of time to make it in my 2hr and 20 min limit they give and they are cutting me off here?  It was a blow to the gut, I was devastated, I had failed. Then just as the fog in my brain started to clear BFF runs up behind me. I was happy to see her and told her that I failed. We both agreed getting turned around was better than having to catch a ride from the fail bus but still. We hit the mile 8 marker and I am at just about to 6 miles. I told her I had already decided not to accept the finisher medal when I crossed the finish line because it would be a lie and the constant reminder that I was not a 15K finisher. I was trying to keep it together and thankfully BFF decided to see if she could finish in under two hours I cheered her on and told her to go for it!  The second she left, my throat tightened and the tears started to flow uncontrollably. I hoped the soft sobs I was letting out were just coming off as heavy breathing from running to those around me. I couldn't stop the tears until the 9 mile marker. Almost to the finish I knew I'd have to wipe the tears off and be ready to reject the medal.  4 different people tried to had me the finisher medal and I am surprised I was able to get out a no thank you. I almost lost it again when BFF hugged me as we were going to our cars.  

The drive home was full of anger and tears. I got home and when I was ready to talk told my hubby about how I don't understand why I was turned around when the pacers were no where near me.  I also told BFF via text about this fact as well. We figured out that this whole 2 hr and 20 min time limit started when the first corral was let go. So me and all the other slower paced people they place at the back of the pack didn't leave until a half hour later. So us slower paced people really only had 1hr and 50 mins. We were all behind the moment we started.  I guess there were some pretty pissed off people they were making do the turn around. BFF's hubby was there and witness a lady telling them how she has kept a 14 min pace and they should be turning her around. Sure enough looking at the stats they ended right after 2 hrs and 30 mins which means when I reached the bridge I still had an hour to finish 4 miles. I could have completed it but they turned me around. 

So no after pic for me I was to upset but as I realized they had cut me and many other people short I started to think I probably could have completed if they just let me stay ahead of the pacers.  I had to remind myself that: Did not finish still trumps Did not start.

Feeling the love

I have a confession: I am extremely guilty of truly believing that I love my husband more than he loves me.  He tells me all the time that he loves me so much more than I think he does. I've always thought ok Babe but felt that I knew I love him more. See my hubby isn't a very emotional person. He didn't cry when he proposed, when he first saw me in my wedding dress or even with our children were born. All these stereotypical times I expected to see my hubby so over come with love that he couldn't help but shed a tear or two. Nope  NADA, NOTHING. He also doesn't believe you can love someone more as the years go on.  I feel I love him more now than ever and he says he has always loved me the same.  You throw that in with the whole self conscious fat girl and you have someone who feels like she can't be loved equally.

Just in the last couple weeks I have realized that I've been wrong this whole time. I don't know how or why but I started noticing the way he still looked at me. I thought that look was long gone. I went on a hunt through our pictures over the years (18 years to be exact) and I found the same loving smile from the very beginning to now.

This man really, truly, madly and deeply loves me. This whole time I've been pushing my insecurities and the way I feel about me on him.  I couldn't imagine anyone not seeing me the way I do. I took my fat girl goggles off and really started pay attention. I am so glad I finally did.  He has always been my biggest cheerleader and even today the eve before our 15K when I am sure I am going to be picked up by the fail bus, he truly believes I will finish and do better than I thought. I am truly blessed that God brought us together all those years ago. I've never wanted to admit that my weight loss journey has always had an undertone for me that I need to lose this weight to be better for him, thinner to help him be able to love me more.  I finally see that my weight hasn't changed that look he has given me all these years. I was just choosing to not see it anymore. Last night he told me he feels lucky to have me as his wife and for the first time in a long time, I actually believed him.

What do I want????

"What do you want for your birthday?" is the question of the week. As you know I've been bumming about my birthday this year so to make it better my hubby is amazing and surprised me with an overnight get away!!! I am so thankful for him. It was amazing how the special plans he made for us turned my whole mood around. Instead of; It's my birthday week :-(, I am now; HELL YES, it's my birthday week :-D!!!! (Yes, I celebrate for at least a week) My parents are awaiting an answer to what I want for my birthday. What do I want? That is kind of a loaded question. I am having a hard time coming up with material things I want for my birthday.  But when I think about what I REALLY want, I feel selfish and guilty.  I really want to:  be able to put my health first, to be fit, to finish my half marathon in 3 hrs, my home organized, a successful direct sales business, and to quit my job. They say the deeper you dig into what you want, you'll find your why. Your why is what drives you to accomplish & get the things you want. Mine is my family but just as they are my why they are also my why not. I don't do anything after dinner on a week night because it is too close to starting our bedtime routine. My hubby meds time to train for the STP and if I start being gone too we won't have time tighter. Amongst many other reasons why I should be home with my kids/family instead of doing other things.  All I have ever dreamed of being is a wife, mom & homemaker. I never wanted to be stuck at a job, I wanted to be able to volunteer in my kids classes, go on every field trip, keep my house clean and make dinner for my family.  I think because none of these things are happening I cliché even more to the time I have to try to make up for the time I feel I am missing. Because of this I do nothing but sit at home.  Hubby says most of this has to do with how I was raised and my Dad and it is true. My Mom is the most selfless person I know. She never puts her self first and always did whatever my Dad and us kids wanted. Then you combine that with the fact that Dad is a firm believer that quantity of time is more important that quality. I find myself want to to be available for every possible beckon call of my family.  Even though 9/10 I am just sitting at home yelling at kids: Do your homework, get off your brother, stop making that noise, why are there rocks inside the house?? LOL! I might be home and available to them but the quality of the time I am with them is questionable.

I've heard for years it takes 21 days to make a new habit and 27 days to break an old one. The other day I heard a bit of new info: it takes 66 days for your subconscious to take over a new habit and just do it automatically. 66 days, I started looking at the amount of time between my birthday and when we leave to Disneyland and it is exactly 66 days. O_O What would happen if I truly made myself a priority for 77 days? What would happen if I tracked everything I ate for 66 days? What would happen if I stuck to my work out schedule for 66 days? But how do I stick to all of it for 66 days? After the thought of I could do this it is quickly replaced by caution. Hubby thinks I could do it all, I worry that I will become to overwhelmed.  Only one way to find out if this is the time it'll work.

Age Limits

Everyone says after 30 things are break easier, are harder to fix, at 35 pregnancies become "high risk".  Every year on my birthday I swear that this is the year that I'll make the changes. You can see this in past years Blog posts like this one:"Happy Birthday to ME".  I made the decision to start this blog on my birthday 4 years ago.  Well my birthday is coming up and I am really not looking forward to it, which is SO NOT ME!! I normally LOVE my birthday!  Today I was trying to figure out why I am so bummed out about this birthday. At first I thought it was because we don't have a trip planned for it. Normally we are about on our way to Disneyland or the Ocean to celebrate it.  But that just did not feel like the reason. Growing up with very young parents, when my Mom turned 35 I was turning 15. When my Mom was 37 I met & started dating my now husband! So 35 feels old.

I was driving home from the mall with my boys and I realized not only am I feeling old but I am feeling like I've reached the age limits for allot of hopes and dreams.  I know it sounds silly but I do. I've allowed so much time to pass with out achieving any of my big goals.  I have this thirst to do more to be more.  I feel like God has called me to influence others to become the best they can be. But how can I do that when I can't get myself to be the best I can be?  I feel so tired of trying and feeling like I am not getting anywhere. Every time it gets difficult I turn back to the comfort of staying the same. I started asking God, what should I do? I feel at a loss because I just don't know how to push through.  One of the ways God talks to me is through music. I can't even tell you how many times I've been praying asking God for something and the very next song is exactly what I needed to hear. So much so I have a whole playlist on my iPod called: promises.  This was one of those situations. I had just purchased the new Third Day album and the song "Mountain Of God" came on and here are the lyrics I hear:

As I travel on the road,
you have led me down,
you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
that you are here with me,
yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way,
but you are always there to bring me back again.

Even though the journey's long,
and I know the road is hard.
Well the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
now I realize the truth
that I must go through the valley
to stand upon the Mountain of God.

Remembering how He had met me just last weekend on my run to remind me that He is there to get me through this and then here He is saying it again, I couldn't hold the tears back.  It brought me back to my "Hike" that really started the real process in my brain. The way I currently do things would have been like if I had stopped part way through the hike.  Like after one of my panic attacks , when I felt I couldn't breath or go on and headed back down to the bottom.  But instead I refocussed and got to the top.