It's not the future your afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious

That statement is so true.  "It's not the future your afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious." I was so proud that not only did I go for a bike ride w/ my DH but then the very next day I did 20 mins on my elliptical. Then I went right back down to rock bottom.    The words my brain says to myself would be out right considered verbal abuse if someone said it out loud to another person.  No wonder I come back to bottom. My accomplishments are not enough to keep me going in the right direction.  I figure there is no point trying because I  have failed so many times in the past and nothing has changed so why would I succeed this time? I have to stick to it and I have no umph to do so.  I find my self mopey & stressed all the time. I've mentioned it before but I am thinking I will go back to my 300 mg of Wellbutrin.  It seems that when I am on my 150 it helps but not like it used to and if I forget to take it I start to feel it the very next day.  I am so low right now I just want to lay in bed until I am skinny.  Since I decided I was going to change my focus the spiritual attacks have been ridiculous. So I've been fighting back and I know God can do all things & He is my strength so do I turn to medication or continue trying to just rely on God.  I believe that God is taking me through all this & I will have victory in His name but is it so bad to use the meds you've been prescribed to help?

My depression is effecting every area of my life right now. I am tired all the time, no motivation to do anything.  I have no patience for my kids, my relationship w/ my DH is feeling it.  Even though I've been trying to keep my thoughts to myself he knows something is going on in my brain. TMI coming up but it is effecting my sex life.  We were having some amazing sex and since he got back from Hong Kong I've been having issues.  I just can't stop the abusive talk in my brain even during sex! O_O  To add to my stress I am taking on something at work that I DO NOT want to do.  I am taking extra hours, 4 hrs on everyday off.  I am doing it to help w/ money while we play the waiting game w/ DH job. We survived another round of lay offs but 1-2 more rounds still remain & the people right below him were let go.  Yet even in all this I am fully trusting God. DH is looking into a couple jobs in areas where he would be working 7/12's but then gets a week off. DH originally said he wouldn't want to ever work that but now he is going to look into it.  This whole process will be for the glory of God and we will be able to give him the praise for whatever the final outcome is.

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Holy cow the soreness is starting to set it.  I ended  up doing the right thing & went for a bike ride w/ DH last night.  We did 9.2 miles and there were some steady inclines and a big hill. I thought I was going to pass out going up the big hill.  I started gasping & wheezing for air. I swear I even remember getting tunnel vision. I have asthma but it so rarely shows up I never think to bring an inhaler w/ me.  DH said I could breath just fine but that I was panicking. Not sure how much of it was which.  As I trying to catch my breath, tears streaming down my face, at the top of the hill mind you I made it all the way up, but I felt like I looked like a fool. These people walking by had "Pain is weakness leaving the body" written on the backs of there shirts.  DH is see babe your look at their shirts. This ride also put my first vigorous activity recorded on my body bug. I am thankful my husband is there to humor me on the ride. I feel terrible cause he is such a better rider & has been riding for so long I am just a mess and so out of shape. But he seemed very proud. Said he had to take a picture & posted it to facebook w/ the description of "Out for a ride w/ my awesome wife."  I am in bed now & I can feel my legs start to ache. And my butt hurts SO BAD.  It is not going to be fun walking tomorrow. Going to try to get in at least 15 mins on the elliptical to loosen up the muscles. I am exhausted it is almost 2AM & I have a ton of cleaning to do to get ready for the boy's Birthday Parties this weekend.

I'm tired I'm worn my heart is heavy...

I literally laid in bed a cried it out to God today it is out I feel. I am so exhausted with all the effort everything takes.

It looks like DH is going to be safe from this round of layoffs but we don't know if he will survive the next round.  So my goal of being a SAHM are not only going away but there is a possibility that I will have to work even more w/o any chance of it going towards my goal of being a SAHM.  I have been at battle w/ the devil over so many struggles & this fight is just to hard. I am relying on God's help to get me through cause I can't do this. This is not something I am capable of on my own I need His help.  

I keep on reaching these points that I think are my rock bottom only to find I think I've gone deeper. I am taking stuff out on my children which is never ok and because we are trying to adhere to a strict budget because of possible lay offs or plays of me to quit I don't have retail therapy to turn to for comfort so I am turning to food.  I know it is only a band aid until literally I am done eating the last bite cause that is when the guilt sets in.  My last post I wrote last week talked about changing my focus and I am trying to keep my focus on God but I know that the other 1/2 of that is I have to do my part. God could make it so I couldn't put food in my own mouth but he isn't going to be that drastic he expects me to make the choices & do the work so he can bless it. 

I got an elliptical machine from someone at work. It is pretty basic & wobbly but I am hoping it will do the trick & I've asked my Mom to watch the boys 1 evening a week so DH & I can go for a bike ride. So that is what we are suppose to do tonight but I find my self in the depths & would rather go to a movie.  I should go for that ride w/ DH it is not only good for my health but hopefully it will be bonding time w/ him cause I am spending time doing something w/ him that he enjoys so much. The whole idea of dieting & exercising makes me cranky!  Then all the crap about how it can't be a diet it has to be a life style change & even though I do agree w/ that right now I feel like telling them to shut the heck up because I don't care who you are if you are used to eating crap like I am & then try to cut back & change what you eat it is going to SUCK!  I keep thinking maybe I need something drastic, I've said this before in my blogs, but then the whole thing about once you eat real food you gain it all back.  But here I am w/ the knowledge of how to lose weight. I know exactly what to eat, how often to eat, how often to exercise and yet I do NONE of it.  I look back to the times I've been successful and granted I was cranky for a day or two but then I seemed fine.  For some reason when I do well I screw it up by thinking well I deserve a treat cause I am way ahead of my weight loss schedule of 2 lbs a week. So I eat something a little junky. And mind you it isn't like I go to McDonalds and get a meal as my reward, normally it is just a bite of this or that but then the bites turn into snacks & then snacks into meals & I have then gained back all that I'd lost. 

So all this back & forth I know what to do but don't & don't feel like doing it. I'm tired I'm worn my heart is heavy....

Need to change my focus (written on 6/13/13)

Well This morning I woke up in a pretty good mood, feeling positive that I was going to succeed today. Then on my way to work I realized I forgot my meds, vitamins & breakfast. And in a millisecond my mood changed from a positive I can do it outlook to: Do I have time to pick up donuts on my way to work? I mean really instantly went into I failed & Oh well, screw it mode.

In that very second all my stress & weight hits me again. And then in the midst of it all I heard God's still small voice. He reminded me to focus on Him.  I know it sounds logical but it hit me like a ton of bricks, my focus has been on the wrong things.  As humans we feel the need to concentrate on what we need to do to fix situation or problems.  I've been hearing for the last year & a half in MK that whatever you focus on grows. So why now?  Why did it take me this long to listen?  I mean some of my recent realizations I am sure sound like I am an idiot for not realizing things sooner. But really think about it.  Here is a hypothetical question for you.  Let's say you are given a 60 day lay off notice at work.  As humans what is your first instinct on how to spend the next 60 days?  Most would save all the money you could and try to find another job before those 60 days are up, right? Sound logical & to a certain extent it is exactly what you need to do. HOWEVER! This isn't something have control over. It is something you know you can only do what you can do and when that seems to not be working the weight & stress comes in.  This is a situation that would stress anyone out. All the questions of how am I going to pay my bills, provide for my family, etc... So even though I agree you need do what you can to save money & find another job I think if your main focus is on God things will go better than you ever could imagine.  Yes again I know it sounds like a, well yah duh?,  But have you ever truly done it?  

A close friend of mine is in the process of trying to adopt a adorable little boy from China w/ DS. As I am having this realization today she shares her blog post and here is a few lines from it.

"This week has been rough in the adoption arena. We are encountering delay after delay, and I am a little stressed. I can feel that weight pressing down on my shoulders, and I just feel heavy (not in a way related to the terrible comfort food I’ve been eating this week). I’ve felt this weight before. This is how I feel when I try to hold on to a situation that I can’t control. This is the heaviness I feel when I try to fix a problem that is beyond my ability to fix."

And I am like OMGosh ,me too!!! LOL!! This is my very dearest friend from High School and we used to say we were suppose to be sisters but God knew 1 set of parents couldn't handle both of us. ;-)  And then to realize someone I am close to is having the same feelings that I am having but about a totally different subjects. 

Discipline is just choosing between what you want now & what you want most.

I did so well yesterday and today. I wanted a snack tonight but I wasn't hungry. So I avoided eating. Then I started getting hungry so I entered all my calories and see a 900 calorie deficit. So yay I can eat something. But then I over did it. I ate 3 pieces if DS1's tot ions cheese pizza and the last of my chocolate in the house. Probably all together about 800 calories. So there went my deficit. :-/ For crying out loud it is only day two and I am in my quit mentality. Already setting my self up to fail at work tomorrow. Work is the hardest place for me to eat right.  I try to feed the depression I get from being there away. I get a breakfast sandwich in the morning and then & want chocolate the rest of the day. The items I am eating shouldn't do that to me but they do.  I really need to get up early enough to make my breakfast & pack a snacks & lunch.  Heck I should get up early enough to do a work out DVD too.

Just 2 days ago I had decided that I was going to choose to deal w/ the crankiness, being uncomfortable & the frustration now, so that I can be Happy, comfortable & proud later.
So how do I keep going when I feel like I have failed already???  That ladies & gentlemen is  the million dollar question.

DH says my depression seems to have gotten worse the last couple days & that is when I started up my meds & my vitamins again. I don't think my depression meds would make me depressed but I do think my diet & focus on myself maybe what is brining me down.  I need to stick w/ this, this time. I can't afford not to. DS1 has been asking DH & I to go on a date night so that Grandma (my Mom) can come over. I ask him why he wants her over so bad & what does she do different than me. His answer was: Play w/ me.  And he is 100% right. I don't play w/ my kids.  I tell my self it is because my parents didn't play w/ me when I was a kid so I don't consider it my job. But then I have to wonder...... If I was in shape & had energy would I play w/ them more?  Or is this just a lifestyle thing?

I have a wonderful list of reason why I can't quit this time. Granted they are the same reasons as I always have but I am trying to remind myself of them more regularly. Putting reminders in my phone w/ each of them through out the day.  I have great prizes in store for my goals & I have goals & prizes for each 5% lost.  I have to keep going for my health & my happiness w/ myself.  People always say you need to love the person you are now because if you don't love your self now you won't love your self after you lose the weight.  Here is the tricky part of that.  I love the real, true me. However the fat keeps her at bay.  Keeps her hidden because I am self cautious, embarrassed & I feel guilty.  I am still here & when I am having fun w/ people who know the real me I do come out & it is always so nice to feel like me again.

Blogging really does help me clear my head. I used to journal but this seems to work just the same.  This is still unpublished at this time & I do plan on publishing when I am close to goal or when I know I am well on my way & nothing is going to stop me from getting there. So if you are reading this that is a very good sign.  I plan on editing NOTHING out. So the last 2 years of entries. Of my failures & success are all going to be here to show you that the most important part of your journey is to NOT QUIT!  I am still search for what is going to work for me & I think it is going to be such a large combination of things it will seem overwhelming when I look back. But  I CAN do this. I've lost weight before & I can do it again!!!

I have worked out a babysitter once a week after DH gets home from work on Tue or wed & I am going to start going for bike rides w/ him.  He seems a little on the excited side but being he has done the STP & rides on a regular basis I get so frustrated when I ride w/ him. Cause I know he isn't doing what he is capable of but I need that work out partner.  Next week we start that so I'll let you know how that ride goes.  I also am getting my parents treadmill & some weights from my Dad.  I need to add in exercise it is the combo that really will make this process faster & help me w/ my anxiety & depression.

What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail????

I have been going over this question allot in my mind.  It has been a couple crazy weeks. DH business trip to Hong Kong was extended and he was gone a full 2 weeks and then suffered some major jet lag when he came back home.  I have been stressing allot about so much lately.  While he was gone I gained wait cause I was stress eating.  My Mom  has started a interview process at two places in hopes to go back to work.  Well she is our main child care. So the panic of wondering how & what are we going to do when she gets a job.  I am home 2 days a week & my aunt watches them for 1 day. Monday & Friday's DH telecommutes but that isn't always guaranteed. But he can't watch DS2, who is turning 3 this month, he is still to much work but DS1, who is turning 7 this month, would be fine. And that is if he gets to keep on telecommuting. And there is always the random Mon & Fri that he needs to go into the office for a meeting.  He also comes home to the announcement of more lay offs. We made it through the first round but now instead of just one more round in July we now have at least one more in Aug & then a possible 4th round in Sept.  So he is feeling very uneasy about his organization in the company.  It looks like he is safe for now but he doesn't know what the next year will bring. Looks like they maybe relocated his whole organization to Long Beach CA & SC.

So this is when the guilt starts setting in.  My original quit date for my job, that I hate, was 7/31/13.  If my Mom gets the job at the same place I work she'll be starting end of Aug.  I am in the same place I was when I started my MK business over a year & 1/2 ago.  When I joined MK it was right after my DH had to go on his 1st business trip & I missed time from work due to child care issues while he is gone. I work a few hours later than he does so even on the days I work we technically only have sitters until about 3ish. Anyways, we are not closer to being in a place where I can quite my job & be home w/ my boys and that is where we need to be in just a couple short months and we are far from it happening.

Because of possible lay offs and possible increase in child care costs we have also officially canceled our Anniversary trip to Hawaii.  We now have 3 nights booked in Cannon Beach OR at the same hotel we spent our Honeymoon. So it is our next best choice but still not Hawaii.  And I told DH well I haven't lost any weight so it's a good thing we are not going to Hawaii. But now I want our pics taken at Cannon Beach for our Anniversary & I really want to be down about 25 lbs in 8-10 weeks. I am feeling so frustrated & overwhelmed with EVERYTHING!!

I've heard myself say "why try when I always fail?"  And you know what??? That is a lie from the pit of hell.  I have not always failed. I saw a pic of myself & Noah when he was just a little over a year old & that is when I had lost 30 lbs and I love this pic of me & him. I wish I had a copy of it on my computer to post it here.  Well I showed DS1 just yesterday & he thought it was me & his little brother & I told him: No it is Mommy & you. Then I said quietly to my DH. Mommy when she was much thinner *sigh* I wish I looked like that again.  My DH said "then do it" The look on his face & tone in his voice was one of pure frustration.  I am sure he is frustrated w/ me being so unhappy w/ my looks & always talking about how I want to change it but don't. I've always known I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.  God is w/ me & I can do ALL thinks through Christ.  I have lost weight before & can lose it again. For crying out loud I lost 7 lbs in one week just a month or so ago and that is my highest weight loss in one week ever and then I stop.

What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail???? So many things come to peoples minds w/ this questions & yet the one think all those things have in common is the only way people fail is when they quit.  If you plan your work & work your plan & stick to it you won't ever fail.  That is the killer that people don't like to remember.  It is all up to them & it isn't anyones fault but our own. We choose to stop trying, we choose to eat that quart of ice cream, we choose to wallow in our self pity.  Why? because change is hard & uncomfortable.

So I am charging my body bugg up & am going to start counting calories & taking my vitamins again tomorrow.  I am going to commit to the uncomfortable so I can be comfortable in my own skin.

Long post warning....

Hello, well after all that success I had losing 7 lbs in one week using my body bug you would think that would have been the jump start I needed to keep going. But you guessed it, it wasn't.  I've gained a couple lbs back since then & haven't even tried to lose weight. I have lost all motivation for Many things.  

Life has been happening & that is not a good excuse but it is the only one I've got. Not that any excuse is valid mind you but it is the reason my brain can talk my self into eating the food I want to eat.  So I have been serious slacking my MK business & so I feel discouraged about that & frustrated that I've been in the company for over a year & half and I am not anywhere near where I wanted to be.  I was once so sure that this was my calling & God was going to use me in this position to reach women I wouldn't have met otherwise. And it would give me the opportunity to be a work from home Mom & raise my own children.  I am very thankful for the family that watches my family for the low price they do. But when the kids get to rule the house & do whatever they want even only that one day a week means we have to suffer the next day because they adjust so quickly to getting their way.  The day after is always difficult.  3 different sets of rules in our house every week is not an easy thing to understand.  So to have them on a set schedule & down to just our rules no exceptions would be amazing.

Also since the last time I wrote we went & visited my BFF in Boston.  She has been living there for 4 years and is finally moving back home in June, so it was now or never.  Of course we've intended on visiting the whole time she was there but never found a time that worked & I was terrified to fly over there just DH & I.  That comes from my low self esteem thinking that I am not enough for God to save & certain if we flew w/o a large group of people I knew I was doomed.  So the stress that came along with this upcoming trip was horrible. Completely irrational and unreasonable but horrible. Tons of tears & anxiety attacks. I couldn't even hold it together when my in-laws came to take us to the airport I had to say goodbye to my boys and was sure I was never going to see them again and they just didn't care that Mommy was leaving. Anyways, after some very strong spiritual battles while waiting in the airport we were on the plan & I decided that I had, had enough! I told God I trusted him fully & that I knew he was not only going to keep us safe but also my boys while I was gone & that He didn't bring me here to die. The weight was gone, then a second later we hear from the pilot "Ladies & Gentlemen I am sorry to say we are going to have to return to the gate(we were waiting to take off) due to some mechanical difficulties"  And normally that would have been a confirmation that things were wrong but instead I told the Devil "Nope It is not going to work & I rebuke you." I knew this meant God had my back. :-)  I was just so relieved that this overwhelming weight was gone & complete trust in my God & Savior was such a reassuring feeling.  And the trip was great.  Full of History, which I could have really cared less about, but it was great seeing our friends & having that one on one break through w/ God.

Here is a a few pictures from our trip.

My BFF & I

Yummy & cheap lobster

DH & I

Anyways in the middle of my anxiety for our trip we get the announcement that they'll be lay offs at my DH work and it will be effecting his dept.  So there is an added stress of is my husband going to have a job and this came right after he got a pretty good raise & I saw light at the end of the tunnel for me working  I was finally going to be home with the boys w/in the next year.  So this was stressful not just the possible loss of money but the loss of the chance of being able to raise our children & quit my 9-5 and we placed our Hawaii trip on hold incase we don't have the money.  Then about a week or so before our trip to Boston but over a week since we were told about possible layoffs. My DH calls me from work & asks what are we doing 5/22-6/2?  I take a deep breath cause I know this is how it started the last two times. And he says work is sending me to Hong Kong.  WTFrik?!?!?!?  Hong Kong for 12 days!  I was so not happy about this. Everyone around me said it was a good sign that they were not going to lay him off if they are sending him to Hong Kong.  This brings me back to the whole reason I started my MK business so I could not work & maybe even travel with him.  This is his third trip in 19 months.  Travel isn't part of his job description they choose to send him on special projects because it is so good at what he does.  So on one hand I am extremely proud of my amazing man and on the other I don't want him to go.  This will mark the longest we've ever been apart.  I had recently read "The Prayer of Jaybez" and just reread it. I know God has amazing plans for us and they are bigger than we ever thought possible and all this change & breakthrough is part of it.  So I knew no matter what happens layoffs or no layoffs we will be heading in the right direction.  This has had Chad put in his resume into a department at where he works that he would have never thought of so this may have been the push we needed to go a different direction.

So here is what the time line has looked like for the last few weeks:

5/10- Leave for Boston

5/14- Come home from Boston

5/17- Frist round of layoff notices

5/22-DH leaves for Hong Kong

I am happy to say we survived the first round of lay off notices and that it is looking pretty good that we will survive the next round on 6/21. 

All this to say watching what I eat has been very far from my mind.  But now with the first round of layoffs behind us and a possibility that Hawaii is going to be back on. I am now quickly realizing that I am running out of time. I had everything in place that I thought I would need. I have my goals, rewards & reasons not to quit in my car, my work, the kitchen & our bathroom also includes a tracking sheet that my DH is suppose to be keeping me accountable with. At first he did but now were are about a month since I stopped and he was stressed about layoffs so his mind was elsewhere as well. So I desperately want to start again tomorrow. I take DH to the airport for his business trip and my appetite always isn't as strong when he is gone so I want to use that for my advantage and then I am just making food for myself and not having to worry about what DH wants to eat.   The week I did so well & lost 7 lbs I was cleaning my house and taking my vitamins from Advocare & I think they really helped. So I ordered more and they should be here in the next day or two.  I am sure I'll be writing more entries since I don't sleep as well when DH is gone.