I am going to get ice-cream & NO I DON"T want to talk about!!!!

Hello day 24 of the 24 day challenge. I don't know that anyone has every blown it as much as I have. A little over a week ago I was feeling really good. Like surely I must have lost some inches because I'd been eating less, thanks tot he vitamin packs.  So I asked my Mom to retake my measurements at my belly button so I could be excited.  BAD IDEA!!! Not only did I not lose any inches & was 3/4 of an itch bigger! O_O  So I have been on an eating bing ever since.  This morning I've hit a new weight high of 174.4.

We had company tonight & I am surrounded by people who have lost lots of weight (thanks to medicated speed) My DH who just finished the STP & is in the best shape of his adult life & then there is me: FAT, UGLY me!  So on top of this our company & DH want me to put my Dog of 11 years down, Work issues, & some other issues that I won't put on a public forum. Then DH has decided that he is going to go ahead w/ the sprint triathlon.  So I am feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life.  How do I fix this???  I need to make my MK biz a priority so I can get out of my other Job that is going to be much worse very soon w/ a bunch of policy changes that are effective 8/1/12.  But it all goes back to taking time away. Now DH needs 3 days a week to train for the triathlon so I feel like any working out days for me are now being taken away again. He said hey you should do it w/ me. And I said: "We can't train at the same time we have kids. It doesn't work like that for us."  I feel again like I am sacrificing & that I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know if I am EVER going to make myself & my needs & wants a priority. Even w/ the encoragement of DH that I need to do these things, I don't.  He tells me to go to the gym after the kids go to bed but that is sacrificing my us time & I don't want to give that up so I say no & I hate getting up early. So between me taking those times out & the 3 days DH needs to train I feel like I have nothing left even for my MK biz.  

I tried to eat right today figuring that that is something I can do that doesn't take time away from anyone & after my bad night I put DS2 to bed, got DS1 his snack brought the monitor out to DH & told him I am going to get Ice cream. He wanted to know if I was cranky I told him yes, very. He wanted to know why I told him reasons he doesn't want to talk about. Because he can't sand it when I talk bad about myself.  I am so frustrated!!  I have so much I want to do & accomplish. The killer part is that I know what I need to do but I don't know how I am going to get myself to do it.

10 day cleanse over

So here we are at the end of the cleanse & the only thing I managed to do was eat take the what the box contained & eat like a pig. I have gain weight & again have a new all time high of 173. Not such a good 10 days. I had a had such a great attitude yesterday I was going to blog w/ TW topic: A new attitude. For the first time in forever I had the desire to be athletic not just thin but really wanting to be in shape. I thought that is IT, my mental turn around I've been waiting for!! Then we had a situation arrive last night w/ DS1 and it upset me & stressed me out. This Morning I got up & went for a 20 min bike ride & felt so out of shape! It would take me 4 mins go go around 2 blocks w/ a slight incline. And I was huffing & puffing (so much so I am thinking about going to the walk in clinic to check in my chest cold) so then I get frustrated & mad that it was so hard & think about how I've been working out since March & have nothin to show for it because of the lack of being consistent. So in my stress & feeling stupid I spent the ENTIRE day eating!! And I mean I was eatting the whole time I was at work. Making myself numb for a little bit.

Day 7...

Well today wasn't all bad. Started the day w/ a new all time high in the scale 172.8! But thanks to some revelations that took place & an attitude adjustment. I didn't let it get to me. God was really showing me love yesterday after a couple of really down days. I remembered that I need I ky to turn to Him for help & it will be there cause I can do all things through him!! So even though this is now looking more like the 17 Day challenge instead of the 24. I am still hopeful. Tomorrow is the 4th of July so eating right isn't going to be easy but I am not going to worry as much about the rules of avoiding white starches. I am going to track what I eat the rest of the week good or bad & then look at my calorie intake. Tomorrow more of the nasty. Fiber drink. Going to get up early so I can drink it & it can run its course before we leave for the river. I am not about to do that in a out house! O_O

Day 5 total brake down...

Today was pointless & frustrating. Had a good breakfast but then we had a BBQ b-day party and I ate fries, a burger, macaroni & potato Salad, cake & m&m's. Then spent the rest I the day beating my sled up & telling my self how unattractive & fat I am. DH hit a new weight loss low. My brother is now down a little over 30 lbs in less than to months. I want that instant gratification but i can't seem to stick to something for even 2 days. Ok vet over.

Day 4...

Can't seem to go a whole day w/o messing up. Today I did great all day again until dinner & then we went out for Mexican.  I just want to stuff my face w/ nachos, chocolate & pop!!!  I have not pop or nachos, we do have chocolate in the house because of starting to potty train DS2 but I am still doing pretty well w/o chocolate.  The 10 day cleanse is 1/2 way through & I've lost nothing!! All because I have no discipline.  My DH again says that a day here & there is OK & that is how life works. I know on WW I wouldn't have felt like I was doing so bad because of the eating out guide.  I will continue w/ the cleanse & then start the vitamin packs & see if that helps w/ my appetite control.

I have such highs & lows everyday. Earlier today I was going to conquer the world. LOL!  I was going to clean the house after I went to Costco then go to the gym when DH got home. I had thought about how important this is for me & how I CAN DO IT & I was excited. Then I came home & sat down for lunch. And it all went down hill after that. I didn't do anything by the time DH got home he then got cranky cause the house was such a mess. The kitchen was a mess so we didn't want to cook, so we went out to eat. Then because the house was a mess we didn't want to go home so we went and wandered around Cabella's until the boys bedtime then came home. Now it is late there is NO way I am heading to the gym & I am fighting my late night munchies I get every night.  *AAARRRUUUGGG!!"

Day 3...

Well I did it again. Did super good during the day but tonight DH & I had a movie date night & went to Cinnebar & had potato skins & a brownie.  DH still thinks if I splurge a day or two here & there it won't spoil the hard work on the rest of the days. When I lost all that weight on LA weight loss every Wed & Thur I would splurge & eat like crazy gain at least 3 lbs & then spend the rest of the week trying to lose it again plus some & I did.  We were listening to Linkin Park on the way home & some of the lyrics from "Crawling" make me think of me so much.


There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

[Chorus]

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge:]


Hoping that I will see results even w/ these couple days I've not kept exactly to the plan. Should go to the gym tomorrow. It has been over 2 weeks but DH has errands to run early so I am not sure I will make it but I am setting my alarm to be out of here by 6:45. How ever here it is 2AM.  

Day 2 of 24 Day Challenge

Well Day one went perfect. So good in fact my weigh in was 169.8 this morning. HOWEVER I totally blew it tonight.  I did well all day & then when I got home, we have all had a nasty chest cold, so we were all a little cranky & he said lets go to Dick's for dinner. My FAVORITE greasy burger & fries EVER!! I caved.  I did only get one cheese burger & fry instead of 2 like normal but then My Mom called.  She asked me to go out to Outback w/ her & a friend so I did & ordered a salad. Then they gave us a free Bloomin Onion & it was the best Bloomin Onion we have had in a looooooong time. So I ate WAY to much today.

In true me fashion let the beat your self up begin! I have been ragging on myself because I can't even keep on a diet for 2 whole days & then it spreads to every area of my life.  I think about what would happen in my life if I actually did what I planned to do. I would not just have dreams come true I would be making them come true.  I would be healthy, fit & happy w/ me. My MK biz would be booming  I would be able to leave the job I hate & stay at home w/ my boys.  DH told me tonight that maybe I need to starting focusing on the things that while change for us as a family if I put myself first.

Tomorrow is a new day & I plan on the rest of this time to go the way it should!!