The Fat, Crazy and Lazy.....

As I was cleaning my house, I was talking to God about basically everything on my mind.  My Dad texted me and asked what I was doing. I told him I was cleaning and praying, he asked what I was praying about, my response was I am praying about the fat, crazy and lazy.  I am tired of feeling crazy, I need to get healthy and I am to lazy to accomplish anything.  Then latter that day my Mom told me today it was good to hear me laugh cause her and my Dad feel like it's been a very long time since I've been in a good place and have really been me. In the moment I realized, I have been absent. My normal self is not always present, crazy me is here much more often.

I started reading a new book, "The 5 habits of women who don't quit."  It is about the book of Ruth in the Bible, and the author has basically quit everything she has ever tried and finds her self asking the questions of what is it going to take for her to not quit.  And she has asked us the readers to ask us the questions at the end of each chapter. This one was: What things are on our quit list?...... Man my quit list is long.   The first of the five steps was to accept the refinement assignment. For those of you who do not know what refinement means here is the definition: The process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.  The Bible says how God will refine us as one refines silver. (Zechariah 13:9) For silver this process involves heating the silver to liquid form many times and each time scraping the impurities out.  The more times the silver goes thru the fire the higher quality it is.  Knowing that God will make us better but we have to go thru the fire and  have the yucky stuff and removed, I am pretty sure this whole process is going to suck for a while. I don't like to think about or deal with my problems because I find them unimportant but I know I am never going to start thriving until I get some of this worked out. So I started digging.

This digging did not bring up anything happy. LOL! I mean I guess that shouldn't surprise me. I've always said I have no tragic back story as to why I am fat I am just lazy, But here is what I came to realize.  I avoid being seen by people I know because I am certain they are judging my appearance, parenting, my sanity as a whole.  I have been judged and told by certain people, people I am close to and whom I care about greatly, things that cut me so deeply I am now basically paranoid that everyone thinks these things about me all the time. After years of believing everyone is thinking these horrible things your brain will try to prove them to be fact. No wonder I lack self worth. Even thinking about these things now put me in a depressed state of mind and make me want to start to shut down.  Why would someones opinion effect me so strongly? That stems from them stating things that are my worst fears and telling me I am basically who I never wanted to become.  So I try to be meek and hide what is going on, hide my emotions from everyone.  This leads to major coping skill problems, and that triggers emotional eating and probably stress and anxiety.   I talked to hubby about this deep rooted stuff that I don't want to deal with, but this book says I need to. We talked about it all: how I don't feel 100% me all the time and he agrees. he said you defiantly make appearances but then you also spend allot of time in "Crazyland the unhappiest place on earth"  We talked about the stresses of school next year, the rest of the school year this year, work stress, my mom's injury and how it all just gets to me and his response was spot on that it is all just normal life and all not that big of a deal and for some reason I don't handle it well. Then he address the judgement I feel placed on me. He said yep people judge and they are never going to stop but you need to let it go. If they think your a lousy parent, oh well! If they think you need to lose weight: oh well! If the think you are a horrible person, oh well!  God and you and I are the only opinions I care about.  I know he is 100% right but how on earth do I get to that point of not feeling judged? Or should I say to the point of not caring about being judged?  Well if truly take it one step further it is self fulfilling judgement. While this may have all started long ago my fear of judgement and what people are thinking is making me think these things about my self and "Thoughts become words, Words become actions and actions become reality."