Can't hide it anymore

For a very long time I've be able to say hide my belly. I carry most of my fat there and have been told that I hide it well. People find out how much I weigh and they are very surprised. To quote my BFF once, when I was much lighter, while sharing a dressing room at the mall, "Wow you really are over weight!" Yes, yes I am. We recently got one of those free standing full length mirrors for our room and it is next to my dresser. While grabbing underwear and clothing after showering with just a towel on my head I saw something I haven't seen in probably close to 10 years......I saw my self naked. All the stretch marks and rolls had no where to hide. it was to late I'd couldn't unseen what I just saw. My first thought was: WOAH how did I get here? second thought was: This is not healthy and the third thought was I have to take a before picture in next to nothing so everyone can really see the change I am going to make! Not my normal thought process which is a good thing. My normal process would have had me downing tons of ice cream while wallowing in the depths of despair over how overweight I am. This mornings weight was 187, 7 lbs heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant with DS2.

For a little more than a week I've been thinking crazy thoughts about my health goals and I think I maybe losing my mind.  I have been thinking about committing to 90 days of health. June, July and Aug.  And I can't seem to get it out of my head.  Then today we waitlisted a vacation for Nov and I was thinking about how amazing it would be to go on vacation healthy. This made me think why stop at 90 days lets stretch it out until Nov incase our wait list gets granted. Then I think how can I even think that big when I can't seem to complete a 24 day challenge, why would I want to overwhelm my mind with that large of a time frame? But I know that this change will be a lifetime change and I wonder if thinking more long term would help since thinking short term hasn't worked so far.  On one hand Nov sounds so far away and like a long time to stay focused and on the other hand I feel like it is doable and lots of time to do it in.  But with lots of time comes procrastination. The logical talk of I don't have to start today I still have time, happens. And I've officially be doing this for years, literally years!!! How do we prevent my habituation procrastination?  With Motivation and action! they are  procrastination killers.

Step one motivation: They say to plaster your goal everywhere so you are constantly reminded of it.  It is time to buy some poster board and put my goal up all over. Also I want to put up something to track my habits where hubby can see it and keep me accountable too. Hubby has been talking about starting to run and I want to print out C25K schedules for both of us.  I realized recently that I think my unhealthy habits are brining my husband down as well. We are both at our heaviest weight ever and both went from being very active last year to basically zero activity.

Step two action:  I have been planning on getting this whole thing started on June 1st. The whole idea scares me but I feel good about it as well.  I have a little over a week to prepare. This gives me plenty of time to meal plan, grocery shop and make motivational goal posters and put them up everywhere.

The Fat, Crazy and Lazy.....

As I was cleaning my house, I was talking to God about basically everything on my mind.  My Dad texted me and asked what I was doing. I told him I was cleaning and praying, he asked what I was praying about, my response was I am praying about the fat, crazy and lazy.  I am tired of feeling crazy, I need to get healthy and I am to lazy to accomplish anything.  Then latter that day my Mom told me today it was good to hear me laugh cause her and my Dad feel like it's been a very long time since I've been in a good place and have really been me. In the moment I realized, I have been absent. My normal self is not always present, crazy me is here much more often.

I started reading a new book, "The 5 habits of women who don't quit."  It is about the book of Ruth in the Bible, and the author has basically quit everything she has ever tried and finds her self asking the questions of what is it going to take for her to not quit.  And she has asked us the readers to ask us the questions at the end of each chapter. This one was: What things are on our quit list?...... Man my quit list is long.   The first of the five steps was to accept the refinement assignment. For those of you who do not know what refinement means here is the definition: The process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance.  The Bible says how God will refine us as one refines silver. (Zechariah 13:9) For silver this process involves heating the silver to liquid form many times and each time scraping the impurities out.  The more times the silver goes thru the fire the higher quality it is.  Knowing that God will make us better but we have to go thru the fire and  have the yucky stuff and removed, I am pretty sure this whole process is going to suck for a while. I don't like to think about or deal with my problems because I find them unimportant but I know I am never going to start thriving until I get some of this worked out. So I started digging.

This digging did not bring up anything happy. LOL! I mean I guess that shouldn't surprise me. I've always said I have no tragic back story as to why I am fat I am just lazy, But here is what I came to realize.  I avoid being seen by people I know because I am certain they are judging my appearance, parenting, my sanity as a whole.  I have been judged and told by certain people, people I am close to and whom I care about greatly, things that cut me so deeply I am now basically paranoid that everyone thinks these things about me all the time. After years of believing everyone is thinking these horrible things your brain will try to prove them to be fact. No wonder I lack self worth. Even thinking about these things now put me in a depressed state of mind and make me want to start to shut down.  Why would someones opinion effect me so strongly? That stems from them stating things that are my worst fears and telling me I am basically who I never wanted to become.  So I try to be meek and hide what is going on, hide my emotions from everyone.  This leads to major coping skill problems, and that triggers emotional eating and probably stress and anxiety.   I talked to hubby about this deep rooted stuff that I don't want to deal with, but this book says I need to. We talked about it all: how I don't feel 100% me all the time and he agrees. he said you defiantly make appearances but then you also spend allot of time in "Crazyland the unhappiest place on earth"  We talked about the stresses of school next year, the rest of the school year this year, work stress, my mom's injury and how it all just gets to me and his response was spot on that it is all just normal life and all not that big of a deal and for some reason I don't handle it well. Then he address the judgement I feel placed on me. He said yep people judge and they are never going to stop but you need to let it go. If they think your a lousy parent, oh well! If they think you need to lose weight: oh well! If the think you are a horrible person, oh well!  God and you and I are the only opinions I care about.  I know he is 100% right but how on earth do I get to that point of not feeling judged? Or should I say to the point of not caring about being judged?  Well if truly take it one step further it is self fulfilling judgement. While this may have all started long ago my fear of judgement and what people are thinking is making me think these things about my self and "Thoughts become words, Words become actions and actions become reality."

Surviving or Thriving....

Are you the person you are meant to be living up to your full potential?  Are you living your life the way God intended you to live it? Or are you just surviving, keeping the status quo. Getting by just fine but never going the extra mile or doing the and then some.

I have been feeling the call to stop surviving and to start thriving. Which is a very difficult thing for me. I feel guilty for most the blessings I have. I know you think I am crazy but I think I do.  We were blessed with this new house and the ease the whole process went down. I mean God sent people to our door with money, that is crazy!  But I feel bad that we have such a nice house and others who need and want a bigger nicer house can't get one.  We have a good stable income and this has always been a point of struggle for me as I grew up in a family that always struggled, so I feel guilty that we don't struggle and yet we never have extra money either because it always seems to disappear. I took a class that talks about how we each have a certain point in anything and everything were we reach the end of our comfort zone. And when it happens our minds will do anything to keep us in or get back to that comfort zone. Like money, we all have a set amount that we think is ok, but if we make more than that our minds will find ways to get rid of it because it is uncomfortable. Anything beyond surviving may be outside of our comfort zones there for our mental instinct is to do everything in our power to get back into our comfort zone or to stay there. This goes for my losing weight and running too. With weight loss I've said so many times to myself I just need to figure out how to be happy overweight.  But I can't be happy unhealthy and even though my body and health are not comfortable at this new weight it is my comfort zone. My running, especially my half marathon training.  I was never consistent I would do well then back off, do well then back off. And that was because the whole idea of a half marathon was out of my comfort zone! lol!! Then we have things like my Direct Sales business. I have the same yo yo effect with it do well then stop do well then stop. As much as I want success in weight loss, running my home business I am too stuck in the comfort zone. It is just easier to survive. 

So how do we push past the survey instinct and start thriving?  I don't know.  I know the key is to keep on keeping on and not to quit when things get tough. I have not been on my meds for quite sometime and my hubby told me it was time to start them again. I tired and about lost my mind.  The problem is my anxiety is really high and while 90% of my anxiety is based on my depression when I mope around I do to much thinking and then I get all worked up and my crazy kicks into high gear. My depression meds keep me energized and keep me from moping around. Right now I have a very high stress level and so my depression meds just made me feel on the verge of a panic attack the whole time. So I took them for 5 days and had to stop because it was getting so bad I was a sobbing mess at the end of each night.  While I don't know the how yet, I know I need to find the way and how because I am meant for more than this. I can be more for my family if I can get this figured out. "We know we were made for so much more than ordinary lives. It's time for us to more than just survive, we were made to thrive."

A year ago today...

A year ago today I did the Tinker Bell Half Marathon.  Something I thought wasn't possible. It was one of those thoughts where you shake you head and try to talk your self out of it because clearly you must be out of your mind. LOL!!  While I didn't lose weight during my training I was in such better shape at the end of the training. I can look at pictures and see that my body was in better shape. My clothes fit better everything was a bit firmer. And now Run Disney is in my blood, I find myself wanting to do all the Disneyland based half marathons and at least one in Florida to complete my coast to coast.

 Yet even though I've completed one I feel my self shake my head because aren't I getting to old for this? I don't know why I feel so old. I don't think my Mom is to old to get healthy and yet I think to myself that I am just to old to start over again. I have to start somewhere. With out a change for the healthier I am only years away from type 2 diabetes.  I really do want to go back next year and do the Pixie Dust Challenge and get 3 medals. That is a 10K on Saturday and then the half on Sunday. I was thinking maybe the 10K would help you get enough sleep for the Half on Sunday. I need so much practice to figure out how to fuel and how to even run anymore.  It has officially been a year since I've ran.

I have started writing my new vision statement for what I hope to accomplish by the end of this year. Remember a vision statement has to be written as if it is present day and these things have already happened. Here is an example of mine:  It was hard, there were days I wanted to quit but I never did.  I am not to my goal weight yet but I've come so far.  My running has come a long way, and reached a new 5K PR.  I enjoy running and it no longer causes me pain like it once did. I was really surprised at how noticeable it was when I started actually lose the weight. It was about at the 20 pound mark that I realized hey my pain was less during my runs."

In the spirit of murphy's law

After my great day yesterday something had to happen right??  Today my Mom locked her and my youngest out of the house in the garage. She went around the house to find that the front door was surprisingly unlocked.  She ran back to get my youngest out of the garage and Loki made a run for it.  I was on the phone for this whole process and was already dealing with some school issues with my oldest, I headed back home as soon as I could while my Mom tried to keep an eye on Loki. Chasing after him only makes him run further and faster.  While keeping her eye on the dog and not where she was going she fell off of our sidewalk and broke her foot.  Isn't that just wonderful? I feel awful for my Mom. And on top of that it may have a effect on our baby sitting situation which is not good for our job situations. Today was spent dealing with school issues, taking my Mom to and from the Dr and back to her house and then back to school to get kids. With my new work schedule I have the next two days off and I was hoping to use them to prep and meal plan to start the cleanse on Thursday. But as always something comes up, EVERY TIME! I understand why people are so attracted to Medifast, Jenny Craig and Nutrisystems with their prepackaged food.  You don't have to think or plan you just grab and eat.

So much of my life is spent wishing: wishing I was able to quit my job, wishing I was in better shape, wishing I was healthy, wishing I could run more effortlessly.  And the common thread between everything I wish for and why I don't have it is the time and effort they take.  They all take hard work and consistency.  Consistence/Dependable is one character trait I have always struggled with to the point that I know people may consider me a flake. I back out of what I said I was going to do so often.  Part of it is my anxiety and the other part is laziness but when it comes down to the actual time to do something that was planned,  I just don't wanna.  I'd rather sit on my ass and do nothing. Nothing is easy, nothing is familiar, nothing feels safe.  And if I really make an effort and something happens or comes up and take it as confirmation that I shouldn't have even tried, I should have stayed home, this was all a waste of my time.

People say if you can vision the results you want, your mind will start to make them happen.  The key to that is keeping the vision realistic, fresh and very detailed. I am long over due to rewrite my Vision Statement.  I wrote my last one in 2014 and it was powerful.  I need to make a commitment to read it every morning and heck multiple times a day if it'd help me stay on track. I still have plenty of time to achieve health in 2016.

The Mothers Day I didn't go for a run....

This morning there was no getting up early to get ready, no race jitters, no medal.  For the last two years I've spent the morning of Mothers Day on a run. in 2014 it was my first real 5K run The Color Run and last year was The Tinker Bell Half Marathon, my first half.  I was signed up for a 10K this morning and my lack or preparation kept me in bed.  While I truly had an amazing Mother's Day, it felt like something was missing.  I had breakfast in bed, hubby cleaned and cooked for me all day, I got to soak in the bath with one of my Lush bath bombs.  But my new running shoes I got for Mother's Day stayed in their box.   I read over last May's post and I was in such a great place.  I was happy and on my way to healthy and I have now gained 10 lbs. My new normal weight is 185 instead of 175.  The first time I saw that on the scale I audibly gasped and now I am just relieved to see it hasn't gone up.

I thought about lacing up my new running shoes and taking them for a spin on my treadmill today. Telling myself I know I'll feel good about it when I do it but I didn't.   My Facebook, Strava and Instagram feed were full of people who ran today. Most of them are friends of mine who started running after me and who are doing so well!  So where does this leave me? I am actually feeling a little on the positive side.  We have our cleanse and hubby is 100% on board.  I am 36 freaking years old and it is time for me to get over the fact that others people success isn't the same as mine. My story is 100% mine and someday will inspire someone because heck if she can do this after all that so can I.  The nice weather is already here in spurts and the farm close by has it produce market open for the summer.  There will be lots of in season fresh local fruits and veggies for the next 4 months.  Summer is a time I don't have to stress about the kids school or homework and because of that I feel the freedom to put that focus on myself. Still a little over a month left of school but there is no reason I can't start changing my eating now and then when school is out and eating right is a habit, add in the exercising.

Happy Mother's Day!!