Crying in the dark

So frustrated I am trying to hold back the tears as I lie here in bed. Another day down the tubes I expect to back to my start weight tomorrow or at least I will have a gain. And Thanksgiving only a couple days away. *Sigh*. My family has come down with some new cold and w/ the DS1 athsma I get super stressed everytime he gets a cold. I feel like eating right should be easier! Why do the other foods have such a strong hold over me? DH made dinner tonight and it isn't that I don't appreciates it but what he made isn't on anyone's diet.... Hamburger Helper. So I ate it and thought well there went today and ate a bad snack too. So I get all worked up and start to panic about the family pictures and how frustrated I am w/ being in healthy and overweight. It is that time of the month and I am dying for sweets but have yet to have a candy bar. Last Friday I did have some raisinets but that is it so I guess it is good for me that I've have the focus to not purchase chocolate or candy for the most part and this includeds the fact that we went to a movie.  I need to give up diet pop but I like the fact that it is calorie free and it is hard to giv up when I am counting calories. I asked for a sod stream for Christmas and my parents are getting me one. I was to try some of the natural flavors and hopefully being able to fizz water and put any flavor in it will help me stay off diet pop but also keep me from the high calorie regular pop too. 

Things were going so well.

M-F were perfect down 4.2 lbs and two days left to go then yesterday I over are but this morning only gained .8 lbs but then my period started and I ate and I ate and I ate. I am sure I'll be up tomorrow. So do I count my weigh in day at Friday or go w/ tomorrow and then see if I can just get right back in track tomorrow? That is my goal to keep going. This is where I've always stopped is when I screw up,  so her is the proof that we will all mess up from time to time. And I need to learn that when I fall I need to get right back up my problem is in the last I have a pity party for my self. I sit and wallow in my poor me and my I always fail mode. But I need to not sit! This sitting an wallowing does me no good, gets me no where, makes me feel worse, keeps me down as far as possible from the stars I am trying to reach. So I need not to lose focus on my feet. When I fell on the muddy hill on Warrior dash I didn't sit for even a second I knew I had to get right back up.   Now is the time to prove that I can beat this. I can do this !

No more excuses the time is now!!

I stepped on the scale this morning, to have it ring in at 181.  This morning I feel ill because I am coming down with a cold and all last night I was thinking about how I can't start my diet on a Monday. Then I realized my reason I felt so strongly about what day of the week I start is setting me up for failure as it is. I wanted to make sure that my weigh in day was right before the weekend. Like a Friday so I could splurge and then have time to make up for what I over ate. Yes, this is and has always been the reason for me putting off starting my diet is to make sure I have some splurge room. It is becoming more and more clear as to why I have not been succeeding at this, for years.

Anyway, after stepping on the scale this morning I thought this has got to be it! I have got to stop this and change NOW! I packed my breakfast, lunch & snacks. Dinner could have been better but I planned it while at work so I came home and started cooking. I sat down tonight & tracked everything I put into my mouth came in under 1400 calories. It's a great start! Tried to stay focused on positive thoughts even w/ this cold I am trying to fight off. I have 4 weeks until our family picture.  I would love to lose 10 lbs or even 12 that would put me under 170 and I would feel pretty good about that. Not sure if it is realistic but I am going and this has to be it I have to keep going not giving up just cause it makes me cranky or because the longer I am at this weight the worse off my health & body is going to be.  Healthy me here I come. It make take me a while to get there but I am on my way!

A sad realization...

So for the last couple days I have been maintaining at my 180 lbs so this may very well be the longest I've ever been this weight. Normally I see it and I eat really good the next day or drink a bunch of water and drop down a couple pounds. Anyways I've been on the hunt for what I assumed was a chin hair. Whenever I was looking down I could feel something barely touching my skin I assumed it was a hair that was touching my head piece at work. Then went home and it was still happening and I was confused by why & what it must be rubbing on. So I went to the bathroom to pluck it out and found nothing. This morning back at work I am feeling it again. Go to the bathroom and as I am washing my hands I feel it so I look up into the mirror. I then move my chin around to try to feel it again while looking in the mirror and realized a very sad fact.  It is not a hair. It is my double chin ever so lightly touching my regular chin while I am looking down. :-( 

I seem to be hitting new lows everyday. My pants are not fitting, my chins are touching!! My anxiety is heighten. My body hurts, I have heart burn. The list just seems to keep on growing. I feel like I guilted my DH into buying me a treadmill that I've only used once so far and that was my biggest fear, that I wouldn't use it. I have everything figured out about my formula what I need to do. And yet I do nothing.  I have been going over and over everything I keep not doing, everything I could have accomplished by now. People say you can't think that way but I've spent years thinking this way and not doing anything about it.

The interesting thing is that ANYTHING I've ever put my whole heart into I've succeeded at. So when I know that I have a great track record at things I truly put my mind and heart into why do I freak out and "fail" when it comes to weight loss?  Same w/ my MK business I keep on feeling like I am not succeeding and should just give up HOWEVER I have truly not given it my best or practically even really tried.  That is the thing, dieting for a week or two isn't really trying and just because we eat out isn't a valid reason that I screw up on my diet. Because all the location we eat out at we ate at while i've lost weight int he past. I have 15 weeks until our trip to Disneyland and at a healthy 2lbs a week that is 30 lbs down, brining me to 148-150 and that would be amazing!  I am booking our family pictures for Sunday Dec 15th and the is only 4 weeks away and I would love to be down 10 lbs by then just to have some confidence in the pictures. But that means I have to stick to it.  When I decided to go off diet pop and chocolate I just did it no cheating, just did it.  It is those things that prove to me that I can do these things when I put my mind to it.

So how do I do this??? Why is it so matter of fact about somethings and others seem to have such a hold on me? I am starting to search my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my mind to figure out why I hold on so tightly to my unhealthy life style? The only thing I go back to is the fact that I use food as a comfort. So between my laziness and crazy thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough at everything? I'm not kidding I tell my self that I am not good at: being a wife, a homemaker, a mom, an employee, a friend, at business, being healthy or fit..............................?????????????????????  In my mindless typing I think I've rediscovered a deep root. I've always known my self talk was bad buy when I say I literally tell my self I am not worthy. I came across this issue about 2 years ago. I knew I always had low self esteem but the root is that I have no value in my self and assume I am not worth being valued. I've put this towards all my relationships even my relationship w/ God. This is why I was terrified to fly w/o a group of people because I didn't feel like I was important enough for God to protect.  OK so I don't know why but I never made this connection to the reason my weight loss in suffering.  I've blamed my low self esteem on my weight but I don't know that I have ever blamed my weight on my low self esteem. O_O

So new idea! I know the main keys to good self esteem is positive self talk and to get up and look your best.  So not doing what I normally do on my days off I go from pjs to yoga pants. So unfortunately this goes back to getting up early again. I need to get up and start my day right. I need some positive affirmations to say first thing in the morning. I need to way up and say the things I am good at and the things I will be good at. I was in such a bad place when I got home. I wrote most of this during my lunch & breaks at work and then my brain spent the rest of the day thinking about all the negative things I've trained my brain to believe about myself. Something minor happened and I was upset to the point of wanting to cry and shaking on the inside. Looks like I have quite the journey ahead of me. 

180.8

Really? WOW! 180.8 I believe this is a new all time high for me.  My pants have been hurting from my waist band being to tight. Everyone in my house is sick w/ a pretty nasty cold. I am feeling ok so I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to catch it full blown. My Children coughing all over me & kissing DH. I am bound to get it unless this is what I already had a couple weeks ago.

Some things that are to hard to ignore & signs that I am gaining weight are: Heartburn, body aches and pain, my sciatic nerve starts spasming, my depression hits making motivation nonexistent.  And I can feel all this change between 5-10lbs. It is amazing how my body is resisting being at this weight. I wonder if I had complications like this that have gone unnoticed through out the years that could all be attributed to weight gain?

How to begin?

I spent all of Halloween night cleaning my office so that my treadmill would be usable. Got up this morning and packed my lunch and snacks. Then the attack of the left over Halloween candy and I picked up Taco Time for dinner. I am feeling really low. My self esteem is horrible, I am getting paranoid because of it.  My body is starting w/ the pins & needles & my heart burn has returned. Weigh in this morning was at 179.  

So now that I have a formula for weight loss, How do you begin your journey?  Most weight loss programs start w/ a Jump start, fast forward, boost, cleanse..... Something that cleanses your system, gets you going some quick results.  DH says you just start slowly by taking some stuff out of your diet and starting working out. I told him that isn't how it works for me. He has this amazing ability to eat ok every now and then & lose weight then go back to eating what ever he wants & maintain.  My body has been on to many ups & downs, to many diets I jump from one extreme to the other & I need to be consistently staying in my calories to lose.  My Mom & I were talking about going to a nutritionist but I know that counting calories works for me I just don't enjoy doing it.  Tomorrow we are going out to dinner for my Dad's Birthday & then Sunday we are having spaghetti at DH parents for his Dad's b-day & that isn't diet food.  So I get frustrated & feel like I can't get started. So how do I get started. Do I try a cleanse again or just start counting calories?