One of my favorite Sheldon quotes from the show Big Bang Theory. Someone once defined instanity is doing the same thing over and over again & expecting different results. So based on that I am not insane I know the reason I am not losing & staying at the same unhappy place is because I am keeping the same behaviors.
After being good all week and not seeing results I was happy with & I hurt my back & Dr. ordered me off the elliptical for a while. I had a free for all on Fri, Sat & Today. I know that isn't getting me any closer where I want to be. My Anniversary trip is now only 23 days away. I am feeling like I should just give up because I am not going to get where I want to be so should I just order some plus size lingerie and some clothes to try to feel comfortable & sexy in??? Or do I push for the next 3 weeks to see what I can do and hopefully have massive success and feel really good about what I have accomplished so far. *sigh* I think I needs to be buy new stuff and feel good about the success I have in the next 3 weeks.
Feeling like I don't know what to do....
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Day 4 :-/
I've been doing really, really well until tonight. I have been so good not eating junk & working out. And then tonight...... I asked DH to pick me up a pop and told him that I've been wanting all kinds of junky food and having a really hard time. I then made popcorn and ate to much. Then DH came home w/ my pop and love his heart, ice cream for me. :-/ He is still under the impression that I should be able to eat things in moderation. And honestly you should be able to. So I ate some but not all like I normally would. But still no weight loss yet I've been up and down 3 lbs in the last 4 days and this morning I was down like .6 of a lb since Monday. *SIGH* Very frustrated but need to keep going. Need to keep pushing. Need to keep fighting.
Today I was/am a little stressed out. Lots of possible changes coming in the next few months and I am just a little stressed. And I REALLY want to eat junk. I've had small victories this week. I went to pick up a bag of M&M's and I put them back. I went to go to McDonalds & I drove on by. I went to pick up DS1 left over pizza from dinner and put it back down. I also have not had any candy/chocolate since I started my change. Trying to focus on those Yay me moments instead of the ice cream, I just ate. I almost didn't eat the ice cream but I caved....
Today I was/am a little stressed out. Lots of possible changes coming in the next few months and I am just a little stressed. And I REALLY want to eat junk. I've had small victories this week. I went to pick up a bag of M&M's and I put them back. I went to go to McDonalds & I drove on by. I went to pick up DS1 left over pizza from dinner and put it back down. I also have not had any candy/chocolate since I started my change. Trying to focus on those Yay me moments instead of the ice cream, I just ate. I almost didn't eat the ice cream but I caved....
Monday, July 22, 2013
Operation change my life day 1.....
Today was a complete & total SUCCESS!!! I did not manage to get up early to work out but I did get work out today. I stuck to my diet, took my vitamins & ate well. I haven't added up the calories yet but I know my meals are typical for when I was counting calories & staying w/in my calories for the day.
I was so tired this morning I was stressed and could feel myself wanting to say screw it first thing. I did choose to not get up an work out & I decided to get a breakfast sandwich at work for breakfast & told my self if I do this I CAN NOT let it lead to me eating bad the rest of the day. Cause in all honesty there is nothing wrong w/ my breakfast sandwich. It is about 350 calories and a good balance of food groups. However for some reason when I start my day w/ that I tend to want Chocolate right after it. Today I resisted. I had my breakfast, some almonds for snack, salad w/ ha & light balsamic dressing for lunch, fruit for afternoon snack, homemade taco salad for dinner (this is one of my favorite diet dinners, tons of veggies and only around 500 calories the way I make it), now I am having some grapes for evening snack. Drank lots of water today & the scale says the same as this morning 178.8. So that is a good sign.
4 weeks 1 day until our Anniversary trip to Cannon Beach
7 weeks 4 days until the Warrior Dash
I was so tired this morning I was stressed and could feel myself wanting to say screw it first thing. I did choose to not get up an work out & I decided to get a breakfast sandwich at work for breakfast & told my self if I do this I CAN NOT let it lead to me eating bad the rest of the day. Cause in all honesty there is nothing wrong w/ my breakfast sandwich. It is about 350 calories and a good balance of food groups. However for some reason when I start my day w/ that I tend to want Chocolate right after it. Today I resisted. I had my breakfast, some almonds for snack, salad w/ ha & light balsamic dressing for lunch, fruit for afternoon snack, homemade taco salad for dinner (this is one of my favorite diet dinners, tons of veggies and only around 500 calories the way I make it), now I am having some grapes for evening snack. Drank lots of water today & the scale says the same as this morning 178.8. So that is a good sign.
4 weeks 1 day until our Anniversary trip to Cannon Beach
7 weeks 4 days until the Warrior Dash
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Feeling panicked....
Tonight has not been a good night. It has been full of stress for me. DS2 had a very late nap making bed time terrible. I have been stressing all day cause tomorrow is the day tomorrow is when I need to start my training for the Warrior Dash. Tomorrow morning I need to get up at 6AM and get up to do my circuit training & I sit here & try to talk my self out of it. I am thinking no you should start w/ your elliptical for the first week. Just focus on cardio. But I want muscle!!! When ever I train my trainers always comment on my perfect form & how I have great muscle memory. So Do I do my cardio & weights? I don't have weights here yet so I would have to do the elliptical tomorrow morning & then go to my parents house for some weights but there where do I put them. I know my body loves the combination of cardio & weight lifting. But the circuit training is allot of body weight training. So exercises that just utilize your body weight. When I had a trainer I did a combo of body weight exercises & real weight & I think that is a good place to continue. As long as I am being consistent that is all that matters & I will need to be abel to increase my weight.
Yesterday I got an award in the mail from my MK Director for being #7 in unit sales! That is a big deal because we are the #1 unit in WA & her personal unit is around 150 people. I was very excited, shocked & proud. Last year I was #10 & that included my first inventory order so I expected to not even get into the top ten. I asked my DH what if I actually tried. Honestly this year I haven't done much in the last 7 months of the Seminar year. What if I had kept working? Would I have been #1? Would I have been a director & #1 in my very own unit? So then the soul sucking truth & that is I don't give 100% to ANYTHING that is for me. I give 100% of myself to my family, my DH, my kids, my friends. But if it is something that is for me, something I want to pursue, I don't give that 100%. Growing up I was told a few things over & over again. One was to make sure I was careful & that I was fragile & not to take to much on. Then the other end of the spectrum I was always told you know you can do anything you put your mind to.
School for example. I did not like school I liked to socialize. So my Senior year I failed 6 out of 7 required classes to graduate my first semester. I had to redo my entire first semester while keeping passing grades on my second semester. My principal had a meeting w/ my Mom & told her I should drop out & get my GED. However my at the time BF(now my DH) told me he would not marry me if I didn't graduate. So I worked my tail off & knew 3 days before graduation that I was going to get to graduate that year. But I did it. I have never been a A student. Always around a C. I was excited to see a B on something. My group of close friends all graduated w/ honors & school was very easy for them & I only ever did the same amount of work as they did at school. So because it was easier for them they got A's & I got my C's. Except for once. We got an assignment in History to pick anyone in History & wright a report. Well that was freedom of choice & I chose Walt Disney. I loved this project I researched & wrote well. To my shock I got the highest grade in the class! O_O I mean higher than my friends w/ 4.0's. One of them was a little annoyed & asked me well how did you manage that? I told her I wasn't sure. My History teacher even asked if he could keep a copy. My poor parents sat thru countless parent teacher conferences where teachers would tell them if she would only apply herself do you know what she is capable of? She is so smart & could achieve so much. But I was never interested.
I know what will happen if I give 100%, I would succeed far better & faster than I ever expected.
Yesterday I got an award in the mail from my MK Director for being #7 in unit sales! That is a big deal because we are the #1 unit in WA & her personal unit is around 150 people. I was very excited, shocked & proud. Last year I was #10 & that included my first inventory order so I expected to not even get into the top ten. I asked my DH what if I actually tried. Honestly this year I haven't done much in the last 7 months of the Seminar year. What if I had kept working? Would I have been #1? Would I have been a director & #1 in my very own unit? So then the soul sucking truth & that is I don't give 100% to ANYTHING that is for me. I give 100% of myself to my family, my DH, my kids, my friends. But if it is something that is for me, something I want to pursue, I don't give that 100%. Growing up I was told a few things over & over again. One was to make sure I was careful & that I was fragile & not to take to much on. Then the other end of the spectrum I was always told you know you can do anything you put your mind to.
School for example. I did not like school I liked to socialize. So my Senior year I failed 6 out of 7 required classes to graduate my first semester. I had to redo my entire first semester while keeping passing grades on my second semester. My principal had a meeting w/ my Mom & told her I should drop out & get my GED. However my at the time BF(now my DH) told me he would not marry me if I didn't graduate. So I worked my tail off & knew 3 days before graduation that I was going to get to graduate that year. But I did it. I have never been a A student. Always around a C. I was excited to see a B on something. My group of close friends all graduated w/ honors & school was very easy for them & I only ever did the same amount of work as they did at school. So because it was easier for them they got A's & I got my C's. Except for once. We got an assignment in History to pick anyone in History & wright a report. Well that was freedom of choice & I chose Walt Disney. I loved this project I researched & wrote well. To my shock I got the highest grade in the class! O_O I mean higher than my friends w/ 4.0's. One of them was a little annoyed & asked me well how did you manage that? I told her I wasn't sure. My History teacher even asked if he could keep a copy. My poor parents sat thru countless parent teacher conferences where teachers would tell them if she would only apply herself do you know what she is capable of? She is so smart & could achieve so much. But I was never interested.
I know what will happen if I give 100%, I would succeed far better & faster than I ever expected.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Need to bring the Warrior out in me
I am back up to almost my highest weight ever. How do I get off this roller coaster? I started the Advocare 24 day challenge and did the cleanse for 2 days and gained 2.5lbs! O_O I mean WTHeck?!?!? I totally expected to lose weight drank so much water & ate well and by the end of day two I was so frustrated w/ my weight gain I went to the movies last night w/ my BFF to Cinnebar & got a french dip & fries. Started this morning off w/ a Starbucks breakfast sandwich & lunch w/ French Fries from McDonalds, picked up ice cream on the way home & will be going out for mexican tonight.
Well in the midst of the massive weight gain in less than 48hrs, prior to going to the movies last night. I decided it is the time to sign up for a mud run. I've been wanting to do a mud run forever and haven't been in any shape to do so. For some reason I decided to throw caution & logic to the wind. I talked to my BFF & she is in & I told DH & he said he is in. So I signed DH & I up & my BFF signed her DH & Her up and we are registered for the Warrior Run in only 7 weeks. It is a 5K mud run w/ 17 obstacles. I reserved my Mom to watch the boys for the night booked our hotel room. Everything is set w/ one exception and that is the fact that I am to out of shape to pull this off. I have so much training to do. I have a training plan with this circuit training from tough mudder which is a MUCH more difficult mud run than the Warrior Dash. So I am planning on doing that twice a week then my elliptical 3 times a week.
So do I stop the 24 day challenge again?? Each time I've attempted it I haven't made it through even the 10 day cleanse and I haven't been successful. Now does that anything to do w/ the products but I am at a loss. I was looking back at the last 3 years of blog posts. My high weight has just steadily climbed over the last 3 years and I have post after post of stress and starting over to try to lose and not succeeding. I have spent so of my life wishing I was thinner, trying to diet, wishing & hoping but NEVER DOING!
This is something that effects so many areas of my life & other people in my life why is it so difficult to give up?? I can literally say 100's of times I've made the decision to change my life, be healthy & lose weight. And each time I have faltered. What my mind goes through is an truly exhausting process and yet I continue you to do it. My DH is so supportive and wants me to get healthy and will eat whatever I need to eat etc but then I make a decision like we are going out for Mexican tonight and he doesn't argue w/ that either cause he knows I wouldn't take it well. That is the hard part about your husband being your accountability partner.
I was truly in shape once outside of High School and that was back in 2001-2002 when my Dad was making me work out 5 days a week. DH at one point said ouch when I punched him in the arm because he could notice the difference. I freaking LOVED that! The next time I lost weight after I had Noah in 2006. It was all diet no exercise and so yes I was happy cause I was thinner but I have a real desire to be fit, not just skinny. I want to be able to take the Warrior Dash on like a Champ. I don't want to come back here & blog that I made it but I felt like I was going to die. I the people I am doing it with to be impressed w/ my abilities. Frankly I want to kick some ass. I want my husband to not only tell me he is proud of me but be like man babe you did great!
So how do I do this. I need to count my calories in calories out & exercise my butt off. Now the bigger questions how do I really do this??? How do I stop quitting? How do I push past the I want to eat it & screw the diet or well it is just easier tonight to eat out but I'll pick up where I left off tomorrow? I've always said it comes down to the decision to do so yet how do you keep going after the decision is made? That is something I can't seem to figure out. I do feel like some real accountability would help. But the truth hurts. Real accountability that doesn't say well tomorrow is another day, it's ok. I need someone who will say: Really? You'd rather keep on making your bad decisions and be miserable & unhappy? Put to fork down!!! Not sure where to get that from. I can't afford to pay to have Jillian Michaels to come & follow me around. And no one else sticks w/ it when I ask them to....... So where do I turn to? What else can I do? I pray about it, I have goals listed everywhere, prizes for my smaller goals, buy the right foods, a supportive family & husband, everything I need for my work outs and yet I sit here at almost my all time weight high. Do I do something drastic like prepackaged food & a health coach? I really don't want to do that when I know how many calories to eat. How do I fix my head?? How do I become worth the effort it takes? When I figure it out I may become a millionaire if I sell the secret.
Well in the midst of the massive weight gain in less than 48hrs, prior to going to the movies last night. I decided it is the time to sign up for a mud run. I've been wanting to do a mud run forever and haven't been in any shape to do so. For some reason I decided to throw caution & logic to the wind. I talked to my BFF & she is in & I told DH & he said he is in. So I signed DH & I up & my BFF signed her DH & Her up and we are registered for the Warrior Run in only 7 weeks. It is a 5K mud run w/ 17 obstacles. I reserved my Mom to watch the boys for the night booked our hotel room. Everything is set w/ one exception and that is the fact that I am to out of shape to pull this off. I have so much training to do. I have a training plan with this circuit training from tough mudder which is a MUCH more difficult mud run than the Warrior Dash. So I am planning on doing that twice a week then my elliptical 3 times a week.
So do I stop the 24 day challenge again?? Each time I've attempted it I haven't made it through even the 10 day cleanse and I haven't been successful. Now does that anything to do w/ the products but I am at a loss. I was looking back at the last 3 years of blog posts. My high weight has just steadily climbed over the last 3 years and I have post after post of stress and starting over to try to lose and not succeeding. I have spent so of my life wishing I was thinner, trying to diet, wishing & hoping but NEVER DOING!
This is something that effects so many areas of my life & other people in my life why is it so difficult to give up?? I can literally say 100's of times I've made the decision to change my life, be healthy & lose weight. And each time I have faltered. What my mind goes through is an truly exhausting process and yet I continue you to do it. My DH is so supportive and wants me to get healthy and will eat whatever I need to eat etc but then I make a decision like we are going out for Mexican tonight and he doesn't argue w/ that either cause he knows I wouldn't take it well. That is the hard part about your husband being your accountability partner.
I was truly in shape once outside of High School and that was back in 2001-2002 when my Dad was making me work out 5 days a week. DH at one point said ouch when I punched him in the arm because he could notice the difference. I freaking LOVED that! The next time I lost weight after I had Noah in 2006. It was all diet no exercise and so yes I was happy cause I was thinner but I have a real desire to be fit, not just skinny. I want to be able to take the Warrior Dash on like a Champ. I don't want to come back here & blog that I made it but I felt like I was going to die. I the people I am doing it with to be impressed w/ my abilities. Frankly I want to kick some ass. I want my husband to not only tell me he is proud of me but be like man babe you did great!
So how do I do this. I need to count my calories in calories out & exercise my butt off. Now the bigger questions how do I really do this??? How do I stop quitting? How do I push past the I want to eat it & screw the diet or well it is just easier tonight to eat out but I'll pick up where I left off tomorrow? I've always said it comes down to the decision to do so yet how do you keep going after the decision is made? That is something I can't seem to figure out. I do feel like some real accountability would help. But the truth hurts. Real accountability that doesn't say well tomorrow is another day, it's ok. I need someone who will say: Really? You'd rather keep on making your bad decisions and be miserable & unhappy? Put to fork down!!! Not sure where to get that from. I can't afford to pay to have Jillian Michaels to come & follow me around. And no one else sticks w/ it when I ask them to....... So where do I turn to? What else can I do? I pray about it, I have goals listed everywhere, prizes for my smaller goals, buy the right foods, a supportive family & husband, everything I need for my work outs and yet I sit here at almost my all time weight high. Do I do something drastic like prepackaged food & a health coach? I really don't want to do that when I know how many calories to eat. How do I fix my head?? How do I become worth the effort it takes? When I figure it out I may become a millionaire if I sell the secret.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Question: The best alarm clock ever???? Answer: God
Well the 4th of July has come and gone. My weigh in for the Biggest Loser contest at work was 177.2. I weighed in Friday July 5th at 175.8. Yeah I didn't really do anything that week w/ the holiday and all. Then yesterday DH & I went to Cinnebar to see a movie and went all out on the food. I had appetizer, main course & dessert! O_O Granted all this was done in the name of "I am starting my diet tomorrow!!!
The one thing I did mange to accomplish last week was I did 20 mins on my elliptical 4 times last week & I even got up early this morning & did it again. I am not a morning person like I need to explain that I would sleep till noon everyday if I could. So I know that God is the one getting me up in the morning. Seriously, I will hit snooze on my alarm and I will lay there & think I should get up and exercise & I lay there & come up w/ an excuse as to why I don't need to do it in the morning. At this point I may even doze back off but then w/in a minute I am dreaming about how I need to get up and exercise and it is working. So not only am I getting up exercising but I am also having my devotion/quiet time. I think He likes that time w/ me so much that he is making sure I get up not so much for my exercise but to have my time w/ Him and he figured he'd help me w/ my exercise goal too.
I am searching for a good food journal/calorie tracker for my iPad. I have one w/ Jillian Michael's website but I like to input stuff and w/ a app I am hoping to be able to do it even w/o wifi. Hoping to find one that will w/ fun extras. Pretty short post today but I wanted to check in.
The one thing I did mange to accomplish last week was I did 20 mins on my elliptical 4 times last week & I even got up early this morning & did it again. I am not a morning person like I need to explain that I would sleep till noon everyday if I could. So I know that God is the one getting me up in the morning. Seriously, I will hit snooze on my alarm and I will lay there & think I should get up and exercise & I lay there & come up w/ an excuse as to why I don't need to do it in the morning. At this point I may even doze back off but then w/in a minute I am dreaming about how I need to get up and exercise and it is working. So not only am I getting up exercising but I am also having my devotion/quiet time. I think He likes that time w/ me so much that he is making sure I get up not so much for my exercise but to have my time w/ Him and he figured he'd help me w/ my exercise goal too.
I am searching for a good food journal/calorie tracker for my iPad. I have one w/ Jillian Michael's website but I like to input stuff and w/ a app I am hoping to be able to do it even w/o wifi. Hoping to find one that will w/ fun extras. Pretty short post today but I wanted to check in.
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