So if I had stuck to my diet starting when I first walked into WW in January I would be at my goal weight right about now. I was telling DH how I am such a huge self sabotager. It seems that anything that would make me happy I make sure some how some where it doesn't happen. The weight loss thing is the biggest one but there are all sorts of little aspects to my life where I could do something to make my self happy & don't make it a priority so it doesn't happen. Now again like I've said before: I am very blessed & have a wonderful family & life but I am referring to the "me time" aspect. I always put my self aside for any of my boys or family if needed. I am never asked to but I do these things because I know it would be easier on DH if I took the boys for the night so I do etc... I get so confused by my reaction to this whole thing & how I seem to run as fast as I can from weight loss when it starts happening. I have had success in the past & I have seen WW PP work for me very well so why not just run with it instead of away from it. I find myself saying oh it is just to difficult & exhausting to have to diet. The 6 weeks where I almost lost 10 lbs & had lost 5% I had to constantly be thinking about food preparing it what was I going to eat next & it makes me cranky but only because I can't just run out & pick something up. I am not going to lie I think about food constantly when I am not dieting but it is because it brings momentary relaxation.
It is summer & so much easier to eat at home it stays light later & it tis the season for BBQ'n. In the winter I say oh it'll be easier to diet in the summer when there are less Holidays & better fruits & veggies out there. So here we are and another week has almost past & I am still saying I'll start tomorrow. Well guess what? Tomorrow never comes surprise, surprise.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Yep that was the bandwagon that just lapped me....
Still not back on the weight loss bandwagon. Not even chasing it or pretending to chase it. Just letting it go by me again & again.
Went to get dressed today grabbed some clean size 16 jeans & they are way to tight so I go back to the looser size 16 jeans I wore yesterday they felt much better but I thought I just wore the other ones a few weeks ago & they were fine. So today ended up warming up so 1/2 way through the day I went to change from my jeans to shorts for the first time I dug my size 16 shorts out of my drawers & what do you know to tight. I had to put shorts w/ an elastic waist on. My XL shirts are getting to small & I found a before pic from when I tried to lose weight before I was even engaged so we are talking about 9 or 10 years ago. I was still living w/ my parents & we all took before & after pics cause we were going to try out this tea that my Mom was starting to sell, it had ephedra in it. So there was a contest that required before & after pics & I saw it and wanted to cry. I was over 20 lbs lighter than I am now in that pic & I remember how fat I thought I was. I look at the pic & thing how could I have thought I was fat my boobs are still sticking out further than my stomach. Granted I have had two babies since this & was much younger & had the elasticity in my skin & no stretch marks. I was instantly depressed & does this motivate me to lose weight no I wanted to go stuff my face w/ something full of carbs so I could have a high for a little while. Hi, my name is Crystal & I am addicted to food. It is hard cause I do turn to food for that instant high to feel better when things go wrong but I can't remove food from my life because so I have to fight it EVERY day & it is just exhausting. It kills me to know I know how to lose weight & I know I can lose weight so why won't I??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ever since we went to that wedding I have just been using myself as my own personal punching bag. I rag on my self constantly & I've notices I am really short w/ DH lately. Around when I had lost the 9 lbs DH out on a date night & I remember feeling so loved & so beautiful that night. It was the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about he touching my fat roll when he had his arm around me. Normally it throws my brain into fatland when ever that happens cause I am so aware that he is touching the ugly fat. I can't stop thinking about it wondering what he is thinking. Anyway it is just a little in sight to how my crazy brain works.
DS2 just had his 1st Birthday & DS1 is about to turn 5 in a few days so lots of party planing & Fathers Day is this weekend so we have a couple BBQ's planned then it is the 4th of July the weekend after the Boys Birthday party so I keep on thinking Oh I'll start the Sunday after the 4th but then I get mad & think it is just more excuses & there is NO reason not to start now. My BFF was in town. She has lost 50 lbs in about a year & 1/2 & she is so much happier & healthier she has a rubber bracelet that says "No more Excuses, Get it Done!" My SIL are thinking about ordering a couple for our selves w/ either that or another one we like is "A year from now you'll be glad you started today"
Went to get dressed today grabbed some clean size 16 jeans & they are way to tight so I go back to the looser size 16 jeans I wore yesterday they felt much better but I thought I just wore the other ones a few weeks ago & they were fine. So today ended up warming up so 1/2 way through the day I went to change from my jeans to shorts for the first time I dug my size 16 shorts out of my drawers & what do you know to tight. I had to put shorts w/ an elastic waist on. My XL shirts are getting to small & I found a before pic from when I tried to lose weight before I was even engaged so we are talking about 9 or 10 years ago. I was still living w/ my parents & we all took before & after pics cause we were going to try out this tea that my Mom was starting to sell, it had ephedra in it. So there was a contest that required before & after pics & I saw it and wanted to cry. I was over 20 lbs lighter than I am now in that pic & I remember how fat I thought I was. I look at the pic & thing how could I have thought I was fat my boobs are still sticking out further than my stomach. Granted I have had two babies since this & was much younger & had the elasticity in my skin & no stretch marks. I was instantly depressed & does this motivate me to lose weight no I wanted to go stuff my face w/ something full of carbs so I could have a high for a little while. Hi, my name is Crystal & I am addicted to food. It is hard cause I do turn to food for that instant high to feel better when things go wrong but I can't remove food from my life because so I have to fight it EVERY day & it is just exhausting. It kills me to know I know how to lose weight & I know I can lose weight so why won't I??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Ever since we went to that wedding I have just been using myself as my own personal punching bag. I rag on my self constantly & I've notices I am really short w/ DH lately. Around when I had lost the 9 lbs DH out on a date night & I remember feeling so loved & so beautiful that night. It was the first time in a long time I wasn't worried about he touching my fat roll when he had his arm around me. Normally it throws my brain into fatland when ever that happens cause I am so aware that he is touching the ugly fat. I can't stop thinking about it wondering what he is thinking. Anyway it is just a little in sight to how my crazy brain works.
DS2 just had his 1st Birthday & DS1 is about to turn 5 in a few days so lots of party planing & Fathers Day is this weekend so we have a couple BBQ's planned then it is the 4th of July the weekend after the Boys Birthday party so I keep on thinking Oh I'll start the Sunday after the 4th but then I get mad & think it is just more excuses & there is NO reason not to start now. My BFF was in town. She has lost 50 lbs in about a year & 1/2 & she is so much happier & healthier she has a rubber bracelet that says "No more Excuses, Get it Done!" My SIL are thinking about ordering a couple for our selves w/ either that or another one we like is "A year from now you'll be glad you started today"
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Type 2 Diabeties
Just found out that my Dad has Type 2 Diabetes & it is very hereditary but also very preventable w/ diet & exercise. So here I am w/ another reason I need to get healthy now so I don't have to deal w/ this later in life. When I was pregnant w/ my 1st I wasn't worried at all about Gestational Diabetes but w/ my 2nd because I was heavier but my test came back negative w/ him as well. I guess my Grandpa had this & didn't tell anyone & I also am now told that my Aunt has it too. I am glad my Dad isn't really over weight so he doesn't have to lose weight to help but he does eat sugar 24/7 I mean that is all he eats. So he has allot of changes to make when it comes to his diet & he doesn't like cardio & it is the aerobic exercise that helps not weight lifting like he likes to do.
So before they told me this on Monday I actually made it to a WW meeting on Sunday. The first one I've been too since 4/17. My official weigh in was 152.4 so a gain of 1.2 lbs since my last visit. They said how good that was since I'd been gone for so long but I told them it was much higher off & on. So with all this you'd think I'd been super good but no I am eating sugar like it is going out of style & not back on track at all. I am finally getting my house organized & I am then hoping I feel like I can focus on me again. Right now the house was always looming in the back of my mind as something that needed to be done. I have a small house but since DS2 was born, he is a year in just 2 days, I have been what I call pretend cleaning. I just relocate stuff from one area to another either another room, box, bag, closet. DS2 still doesn't sleep through the night very often & he wants to be held 24/7. I am very used to DS1 who just played alone since he could be sat up in his bumbo he was content playing just him & his toys. But DS2 as a typical 2nd child is in much more need of entertainment & to be w/ someone. So it seems next to impossible to get anything done. Just getting the bottles washed or dishes done is a difficult task. So even thought I have a very small house that is under 1000 sq ft my SIL & I cleaned & organized for about 8 hours today & got 1/2 of the house completely organized & cleaned! All that to say again that w/ that big mess I have found it very difficult to focus on anything else.
So before they told me this on Monday I actually made it to a WW meeting on Sunday. The first one I've been too since 4/17. My official weigh in was 152.4 so a gain of 1.2 lbs since my last visit. They said how good that was since I'd been gone for so long but I told them it was much higher off & on. So with all this you'd think I'd been super good but no I am eating sugar like it is going out of style & not back on track at all. I am finally getting my house organized & I am then hoping I feel like I can focus on me again. Right now the house was always looming in the back of my mind as something that needed to be done. I have a small house but since DS2 was born, he is a year in just 2 days, I have been what I call pretend cleaning. I just relocate stuff from one area to another either another room, box, bag, closet. DS2 still doesn't sleep through the night very often & he wants to be held 24/7. I am very used to DS1 who just played alone since he could be sat up in his bumbo he was content playing just him & his toys. But DS2 as a typical 2nd child is in much more need of entertainment & to be w/ someone. So it seems next to impossible to get anything done. Just getting the bottles washed or dishes done is a difficult task. So even thought I have a very small house that is under 1000 sq ft my SIL & I cleaned & organized for about 8 hours today & got 1/2 of the house completely organized & cleaned! All that to say again that w/ that big mess I have found it very difficult to focus on anything else.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
My self esteem is about knee high to a grasshopper
My lack there of self esteem is the root to so many issues. Including the fact that I get mad at the fact that I have low self esteem. The comic about is so true to me low self esteem is a big pity party but try to never invite anyone to that party. It is always just me, myself & I at that party & I just feed more & more negativity to myself all day long.
My life seems all out of whack lately & so the first thing I throw on the back burner is my weight loss. It is the easiest thing for me to stop trying to do because it only effects me so me is the fastest thing to put to the side to try to take care of other matters. Right now my house is in shambles because I started spring cleaning but due to the DS2 need to be held I only got to one day of cleaning which included emptying out two closets that are both sitting in the middle of the rooms I emptied them into. So I feel like I can't do anything right now until the house gets back in order but then I think it is just one excuse after another for me. I find my self wanting to try something new like the Advocare 24 day challenge but it is more drastic on the carbs than I choose to do & I know that WW works great & I am paying $40 a month to belong to WW so I should be using it!
I have been struggling w/ self esteem for what feels like eons but when really bruised it this weekend was the wedding we went to. It was for a friend of DH that was in our Wedding I haven't seen him since our wedding but we felt required to be there. SO I have NEVER seen that many short skirts & dresses & super thin gorgeous built women in my life. The whole time I was there I was just stewing figuring that my DH had to be checking them all out because I knew I was. I love dancing & the music there was great but my DH hates dancing & he said he would if I wanted to but I didn't want to get out there next to all those gorgeous tall thin women w/ my short, stumpy, fat self.
Everyone has "the last straw" The thing that actually makes you stick to it & reach your goal. I've had so many last straws I am beginning to thing that my bail of straw is everlasting. My weight effects every facet of our lives from how much I smile, how much money I spend trying to make myself feel better, our sex life, how long my fuse is w/ the kids & even at work I am not a motivated working. I hate to keep thinking back to the last time I lost weight but I was so happy. I have a wonderful life & no reason to be unhappy but I am. DH says it is time to go back on my depression meds & he maybe right. The amazing thing about my meds are they work I am really prone to depression when I am overweight. I sit & mope & get overwhelmed very easily. When I take my meds I am motivated to diet & get stuff accomplished & it helps boost my metabolism a little to cause I always lose better when I am on it even when I don't stick to a strict diet. But I feel almost as if it is cheating to take it because it helps me lose weight. Again this comes from years of my Mom using every diet pill under the sun. I know it is for the good of my family & my health that I go back on my meds but it depresses me that I need them all at the same time.
I wish this was a more upbeat blog but I am not sugar coating anything right now. It has to be close to 99% of people who are overweight go through these fights & struggles & it may help someone to know I feel this way too.
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