The beattings will continue until moral improves.....

Well I am steadily still gaining weight. Jillian would have broken me & figured out why I can't seem to stick to it. I have even given myself a wonderful incentive that I am going to give myself $10 per pound. When I reach my goal I will have a little over $400 set aside for a reward/new clothes. We are planing on Going to Disneyland for Christmas. Not on the actual day but my Mom &  Dad, Brother & his family & My little clan are all going on a few weeks before Christmas & calling it Christmas so no presents really other than that. Anyway my point in telling you that is the fact that I even have an event that is in the near future but far enough away that I could reach my goal weight by then no problem. And we are planing on getting a family picture done w/ ALL of us while we are there. I am tired of not liking the way I look in pictures.  In the past I've even put pictures of thinner me on the fridge & cupboards in hopes that would help me to choose to walk away but NO!

So Lets see, If I start counting next Sunday I have 27 weeks until we leave & my personal goal is 130 but to get Life Time at WW I need to hit 124 & as of this morning I was 165.6. So I have either 35.6 lbs or 41.6. So to reach 130 that means I need to lose 1.2 lbs a week & the to reach 124 1.5 lbs a week. Not even the normal 2lb a week goal I always set for my self.  I can feel the anxiety just thinking about how attainable this is. I wish is stirred up a better emotion like excitement or empowerment but I just get stressed out & anxious because of how upset I will be if once again I don't do it. I am currently reading "The Battlefield of the Mind" By Joyce Meyer & it takes about w/ this kind of thinking I am already defeated before I even begin.  I really need to get to the Meetings they help me so much & I know this but because my weigh in day is technically Sunday I feel guilty going to that when I should be at home trying to get us all out the door to church instead. 

I told DH that I need to make time to work out because that helps me be able to splurge a little bit more by getting activity points & it also helps w/ my mood (lets just say I haven't been in the best emotional place this week) too. But I know that time is in the morning before the boys get up & that just isn't going to happen. I am a night owl & so is DS1 I am sure it is just a matter of time before DS2 starts becoming a night owl but maybe he will take after his Daddy & like to sleep early & sleep in. Right now I would settle for sleeping through the night.  DS2 will be 1 next month and I am still up w/ him every night. Some say that is a legitimate excuse I have as to why I am finding this so hard to do because I am so tired & the only way I find to stay awake at work or at night is to eat. But I don't want excuses I just want the ability to stick to this. I don't even have the excuse of not knowing what to do I know exactly how to lose weight I know that WW works. Yet I keep on choosing the short lived high of eating food over the long term being healthy & happy. Something is wrong w/ my brain!!! 

Roller Coaster.../\..../\.../\.../\....

Well I know I've been AWOL for a while but here is what has happened:  I still haven't managed to get to a WW meeting therefore I am still not doing as well as I could. I finally got back down to where I was at Easter w/ an official weigh in of 162.6 but the next day my Scale said 161.8 I hit 9 lbs & that is 5% I should be exstatic but this last week I went up & down up & down & ended up w/ a official Sunday weigh in of 163.4 Then tonight the scale is in the 166's so I am assuming I will be 164 in the morning. *SIGH* 

I just can seem to stop eating the junk. I've noticed a direct link to drinking Diet Pepsi in the morning & I've read the studies that say this & apparently it is very true for me.  They say drinking Diet Pop fools your body into thinking it is getting sugar so when your body realizes that it hasn't had real sugar you then crave it & it also keeps you from feeling full faster. I know when I start the morning w/ a Diet Pop I want carbs & sugar with in the hour. How ever if I have Instant Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal, that really does have sugar in it, & water I don't want sugar or junk at all. I also know if I eat my meal w/ Pop I can eat allot more than when I drink water while I eat. I was so depressed about what the scale said this early evening that I ate over a 1/2 a pint of my non-dairy ice cream & two pieces of pizza & a regular Root Beer. I think I am going to REALLY go to a meeting tomorrow. The guy who does the Sunday meetings also does Tuesday nights at 5:30.  Those are the meetings I want to start going to & I really want to have a different weigh in date but I don't think that is something you can change after you start. It makes your weight loss not as accurate I think. 

My Mom is still doing really well I think she almost weighs what I weigh now & I can't help but think of all the time I have wasted.  I know I can't beat myself up over it but I have to get back on track then! I have a wedding reception that I have to buy a new dress for in a matter of only 11 days I would really love to hit 159 but I would have to only eat my daily points & drink lots of water & not so much pop.

Tomorrows goals: Only eat my Daily Points & go to the WW meeting.

It is only 5 months why is this so hard???

At an average of 2lbs a week I can reach my goal in a short 5 months. That is the end of September. That sounds so close I can't figure out why I can't just stay w/ this. I went a whole 4 weeks doing good down 8 lbs & now that I've fallen off the wagon it is so hard to get back on again. my SIL & Brother just started last week & she is down 3 lbs & my Mom told me today that she is still losing on track to reaching her goal by October. Does it make me a bad person that I feel like I would be so upset if it got to the point where my Mom was thinner than I was? My Mom has battled w/ weight loss for so long. I want to see her win & keep it off & get healthy. The last time she lost allot of weight was w/ the help of a tea w/ ephedrine in it & she got down to a size 12 it was at the same time I got down to 130 lbs which had me in a size 10. Then in the same breath I get mad at the thought of her losing & me staying this way. 

I don't know how to find a different way to deal w/ stress than eating.  I know knitting is a good outlet but isn't always easy to do w/ the boys. No matter how crazy the house even if DS1 is having a fit & DS2 is crying I can always pick up a piece of candy & eat it.  It is quick & easy endorphin lifter.  I don't now what else to do. I was so certain that after 3 weeks I was golden & here I am this is week 6 & I have totally back tracked. I calculated that I will be losing 27.5% of my body weight. I need to get this going again!!!

Lord Help me! I know you said I am just passing through this part of my life & I want to cling to that phrase you gave me. Amen

This is one BAD week........

OK so I didn't go to the WW meeting Tue night like I was planning instead I skipped & went out for Mexican & ate way to much. I think that is the equivalent of an alcoholic skipping a AA meeting & going out & getting plastered. *sigh*  Then I kept binging all week!  It has been a very stressful week & one that also made me want to make sure everyone gets healthy. 

Yesterday my BIL who is only 28 had a heart attack scare. He fell down the stairs w/ chest pains & couldn't get up. my SIL called 911 & the ambulance rushed him to the hospital where they verified that his heart did release the protein that it does when it has a heart attack but they thought maybe it was just some pressure built up around the heart because he is only 28.  So they did an ultra sound to check for pressure & there was none so it was back to being ruled a heart attack but they had to do the angeogram to make sure & the did that & his heart looked perfect nothing wrong. So they out ruled the heart attack & kept him overnight told him that what every virus he has, plus not taking his blood pressure meds & not using his cpap at night placed the stress on his heart so it released the protein. BUT THEN they said his faintness & passing out was due to dehydration & after being hooked up to an IV all day it happened again & his heart rate dropped down to 34 & so now they are keeping him overnight again for observation. They are now saying it maybe "Tachy Brady Syndrome" I tried to look it up today & the only fix I found is that you fix that by getting a pacemaker. HE IS ONLY 28!!!!!!!!!!!  My DH Mom's side of the family had bad hearts but they are also on the heavy side. So how much of it is health that is over working the heart or is it just a weak heart w/ heart disease to begin with. 

I told my DH that "THAT'S IT!! We are all getting healthy now!" Then I spent the last two days eating & eating & eating to try to relieve the stress.  I weighed myself tonight to see a terrible 168.8 I am only 2.2 lbs down from my original weight 6 weeks ago. I am so frustrated!! I gained all this back in just 2 short weeks it all started w/ Easter & then Vacation. But I want this to be it I need to get back on the bandwagon & not give up.  Mr. Will Power had dumped me & didn't leave any forwarding information.

Back from Vacation.....

So I had a completely great high last week. My friend at work notices that I've lost weight & told me that even my face looked thinner & how excited she was for me etc... It always feels so great then what do I do my weight out on Friday morning before we left for the Ocean was 165.2 that is a 2 lb gain. :-( Then on vacation I got in allot of activity such as caring DS2 to & from the beach & all around town in a front pack and running from the waves w/ both my boys & 3 of my nieces. But I ate terrible. We ended up at McDonald's twice & I got a whole quarter pounder meal not a kids meal or something that would have been not as bad. I also ate a bunch of candy that I didn't even bring w/  us. I packed up fruit & veggies so I could be good the whole trip but when I got down there I just wanted junk. I've eaten 4 candy bars 1/2 a pint of soy ice cream plus McDonald's twice & a Prime rib dip w/ Fries.  I got home today, Monday afternoon. & went to see the damage on the scale & it says 166.2 & that was before we ordered & I ate a large piece of garlic cheese bread & over 1/2 a small pizza from our favorite local pizza place. I told DH that I just want to give up. I get so frustrated w/ the fact that I've back tracked & have to lose the same pounds over again I just feel well I might as well give up so I don't continue to fail.  By morning I am hoping the scale is back down to 165.2 but I am thinking it will be closer to 166 if not over & then I have to lose almost 3 lbs over again.  He says I am not going to fail & that I just need to get going again. It is so frustrating to have success & know it works & then just not care for a weekend because "I'm on vacation" then have to work twice as hard that next week to try to just get back to where I was.

I am going to try to go to the WW meeting tomorrow night to try to get myself back on track. I can't help still but feel like an Alcoholic talking about needing an AA meeting to keep them from drinking. I haven't gone to a meeting in two weeks because last week was Easter & this week I was at the Ocean.  My last weight in at WW was 164.2  so I am going to have to fight to have any loss for a weigh in by Sunday. I am going to need to lose 2 lbs just to get back down to that weigh in & then I will have had no progress in 3 weeks! I will blog again tomorrow w/ my weigh in & after the meeting.