Coming out of my fat shell

I used to have a sticker that said "People that don't know think I am quiet. People that do know me wish I was."  I used to be very out going & loud everywhere I went. Shy that is something I was very far from but now I've worked at the same job for coming up on  5 years & people there barley know me. But on Monday I found my self talking to people & being more outgoing & I am sure it is the weight loss. The last time I lost weight I got my confidence back I rejoined Mary Kay. It is so sad how much weight actually effects who I am & want to be.  I really want to hit my first goal of 5% but I am not really gaining still weighing in at my official weigh in weight on Sunday that was 163.2 but I am NOT going down at all. I've been eating so much junk. It is so hard to come off of the week after my period. *sigh*  It takes me a week to get back on track & this is why it takes me so long to lose. Even when I've lost before it is the same pattern. I wish I could stay strong the week of & after & then I may actually lose 2 lbs a week.

Trying to get ready for vacation I have some healthy choices packed along w/ some stuff to make me feel like I am splurging we are doing waffles one morning & I am going to bring lots of fruit. I am planing on not going over my points & to not spend all my weekly points while we are down there!!! I have to work on Friday & we are leaving that night. My Parents & Brother & his family are heading down Friday early afternoon but I won't be down there until very late. So I want everything packed & read to go tomorrow night then I am going to take DH car to work so he can load up my car so I can come home & we can leave.

WEIGH IN on 4/23/11

What a wonderful weigh in this was. It was on Saturday because Easter was Sunday & I knew I wasn't going to lose weight on Sunday & WW was closed for the holiday. So according to my scale at home I weighed in at 162.8 that is down a total of 8.2 lbs!! The high from that loss was very short as I hit the Holiday. Oh my I ate WAY to much chocolate and it continued into today I ate at least 16 points worth of candy today. My plan to divide up my weekly points failed again. I have probably eaten almost all of them yesterday & today. And I was going to save some of my points for this Saturday because we are going on Vacation.

Vacation is a very scary thing to me when I am on a diet. I can track all my weight loss failures to a vacation. I go on vacation & think but I'm on vacation I will start when I get back and I get home see the gain on the scale & never start losing again. This weekend will be a huge victory for me if I can come home & see a loss on the scale. I am looking to get some activity points to get me through the week.  I hope that walking in sand & I am going to try to actually swim laps in the pool. I am going to try to get up early and go by myself to get some laps in & maybe sit in the sauna I don't know if you get any points for sitting in the sauna though. My parents are staying at a different hotel for a night & that hotel has a steam room & I am tempted to go over & enjoy that. :-) I've been writing down things I want to blog about but I don't seem to have time. I am going to bring my netbook on Vacation I'll weigh out on Friday before we leave & weigh in on Tuesday morning after we get back on Monday.  I am hoping to get a bunch of knitting down while down there. When I get board I need to pick up my knitting not a snack.

I have a rash under my fat roll YAY!! Wait.........WHAT???????????

So this is a very strange  NSV (non scale victory), if you can even call it that.  I don't know what to think about it. Granted I had a baby 10 months ago & it takes 2 years for your skin to go back to normal & it was my second c-section so my muscles have been cut & don't work like they should so ever since Noah I've has some belly fat hang over my c-section scar but the last couple days I've been noticing a heat rash developing every day & I realized that the rash is developing because my skin is now laying against my other skin meaning I've lost some bulk that used to keep it away. So yay, I guess. It isn't at all what I think of when I dream of my weigh loss. I think about fitting into clothing, feeling sexy, having a towel being able to wrap all the way around me.  Not that my fat rolls would cause heat rashes because they've lost some bulk. 

I don't know how I pulled it off this week but I haven't gained like I assumed I would.  I had stopped tracking my points 1/2 way through Monday because I started eating bad. Well today I wanted to to start tracking & wanted those weekly points off my chart so I figured well I just go write stuff in until all the weekly points are gone & I didn't go over some how. I am shocked!  Tonight after dinner I weighed myself, refer back to my first post how obsessive I am about weighing myself, & I am not even 165 & that again was a night time weigh in!  I am super excited to see what the scale says tomorrow I have a good feeling that I am going to hit my 5% goal depending on how I eat at Easter cause  my weigh in will have to be the next day after work so that isn't good. I may go in on Saturday Morning just to have it done before the Holiday & then just go in the next Sunday. However because I already weighed in this week Saturdays weigh in won't count & even if I have met my 5% they can't record it until the following Sunday.

I have so much to do in the next couple days. We are dying Easter eggs, have a birthday party to go to on Saturday, Easter is Sunday & I have to knit two Chocolate Easter Bunny's by Sunday too. Oh and Saturday we have T-ball & I wanted to take the boys out to take new pics of them in their Easter outfits. I need to find an extra day in there somewhere to complete all this stuff.

This is the part where I normally quit

I figured out why I can't seem to diet past three weeks. I hit PMS & all I want to do is eat chocolate & greasy food. Then I see the gain on the scale get frustrated & quit.  After a terrible day of eating yesterday today was just as bad & I haven't tracked points at all and tomorrow DH & I are going on a date night to a place that doesn't serve healthy food AT ALL.  I saw my Mom tonight in a more fitting shirt & you can really tell that she has lost those 30 lbs & it kills me that I have only lost 6.8 lbs. Now my Mom has been working at it for months & I've only been going for 3 weeks.  But when people start after me or the same time as I do & they lose more weight it makes me so angry & frustrated.  I know that I know that I know my body likes to average 5lbs a month when I am losing & I would much rather see 8 lbs a month if not more from time to time.

With all this bad eating I did manage to get in some exercising. I walked w/ DS2 to pick up DS1 from Preschool today & it is all down hill on the way there so super easy but on the way home it is all up hill & I am pushing a sit & stand stroller w/ a 18 lbs 10 month old & 41 lbs 4 year old.  I was so out of breath it was ridiculous. I really wanted to reach my 5% goal this week but with the gain I am expecting I don't see how this is going to be possible.  I have been eating chocolate everyday for the last week & I really think if I could cut back on that use for my points & maybe use them on something wiser maybe I could lose the two lbs a week that I want to.  I am determined to make it through this rough patch. I told DH see this is where I quit & he said well then don't. It is habit, it is convenient, its comfortable.  I have another challenge ahead if I make it pass this week that includes Easter on Sunday. We are going on vacation. Weekend after next we are going to the Ocean for 3 nights & this is another prime time that I am always put the diet on hold because I am on vacation & then not get started again afterwards.  I think after the next two weeks this should be a piece of cake, well maybe.

WEIGH IN 4/17/11

Official Weight in at WW was 164.2.  So I am down 6.8 lbs.  It is going slow but steady not quite the 2 lbs a week that I want but it is going down. I had a very difficult week last week wanted to just eat what I want & stop this whole thing. I fought it tooth & nail & won & lost weight this week even w/ eating more Junk than what I should have. So What do I do today??? I eat why outside of my weekly points. I ate 20 of them yesterday & today I had burger, fries & a king size Hershey bar. SO that wasn't good. And this is the part where I normally fall off the wagon & just go w/ it & keep on eating junk.  Lately when trying to lose weight I get to 164 & stop I REALLY want to see 163 my goal for this week is to hit my 5% goal that is 9lbs lost. But now I have some make up work today. 

Even thinking back to when I lost w/ LA weight loss I would have a big splurge day or two after weigh in & then I would spend the reset of the week trying to lose the two pounds I gained & the two I am supposed to lose for that week. I often wonder how I would do if I didn't splurge like that each week. My plan this week was to divide up my weekly points over the whole week so I have some everyday but now if I count what I ate tonight I am probably negative points & I have to go to the gym to make up for it.  That is a nice redeeming thing they offer w/ WW. You can make it balance out so to speak. If you go negative you can earn some activity points & that can take you out of the hole.  I am planing on going to the gym tomorrow but I am pretty out of shape so I don't know how much I should push myself. I think I will try the elliptical instead of the treadmill tomorrow & see how it goes. My heart rate always gets to high on the elliptical the machine starts yelling at me MAX HEART RATE MAX HEART RATE!!! I don't feel as though my heart is breaking out of my chest but it freaks me out & I can't do much w/o it getting to high. Which tells me just how out of shape I am. 

So my challenge this week is to not quit even though I blew it BIG time today I am to prove that there is a way out of my mistakes from today and not let it get to me. I have been trying to focus on what I will look like at my goal weight & I can't picture it.  I have never made it to a goal weight. When I lost weight & got down to 130 in 2002 my goal weight was 125 when I got down to 140 in 2006 my goal weight was 130. Now to get life time membership at WW I need to maintain 124 for 6 weeks. My goal as I set out this time was only 130 again but I won't get lifetime if I only make it to 130 but we'll see how I feel when I get there & how long it takes me to get there. I want to be disciplined & really see where this can take me. I have kept the diet for the last 3 weeks but still eating my chocolate & eating out. I wonder what would happen if I ate a little better too. I am only telling a few people about my weight loss because of the fear of failing because I've started so many times & failed. I am hoping this is the time I will go all the way.

Goals & Rewards

Any personality test, love language or what drives you test out there tell me the same thing. I LOVE PRESENTS.  My love language is gifts & my personality type is an I that is motivated by rewards and gifts. At the meetings people get recognized for how much weight lost & you get a little 5lb reward & at every 5% too. According to me scale this morning I had hit my 5 lbs mark & I really wanted to go to the meeting to get the recognition & the little sticker. I know it sounds stupid but I am driven by these types of things. Then when I got there to my dismay the lady said since I was late for the meeting she would weigh me afterwards, she was busy w/ someone else. *SIGH*  I knew now I wouldn't get my 5lbs award. I sat there they whole time antsy wondering if I should go back out during the middle of the meeting & see if the scale here says the same at home so that maybe she could still give the meeting leader my sticker. But I waited & weighed in afterwards & she apologized even She said Oh you should have had your 5 lbs award today I am sorry. We will make sure they do it next week.

So anytime I start out trying to lose weight I set up rewards for my self.  They used to be food related but I've learned it was bad, LOL.  I am very excited about the rewards I've set up for myself. They are things I've wanted for a while but never done or gotten for myself because it seemed like to much money.
My total weight loss goal is to lose about 27% of my current weight.  So I am setting my goals by percentage instead of pounds this time so every 5% I get a prize.  I don't have them all figured out yet but things like a teeth whitening kit, mederma stretch mark cream, & of course new clothes along the way.  I will post a more detailed list of rewards by which percentage on a later post.  Right now I am just trying to stay motivated.

WEIGH IN 4/10/2011

Made it to the WW meeting this morning to weigh in & the official weight is 165.8 so I am down -5.2 lbs.    I love the start of the week cause I get all my weekly points available again. I don't feel as stressed like today we went to burger king & I ate a cheese burger & fries & also splurged after my points were gone & had some popcorn. I used some of my weekly points but nothing like last week when I used almost 2 weeks worth in 2 days. 

This is normally where I quit.  Why I don't know I had a really tough week last week I ate to much & was negative in my weekly points. I ALWAYS struggle through my second week & by the end of it I am so frustrated I say screw it. Because of this making it through next week is super important to me. I feel that if I can break this two week curse I will be able to keep going. Again I have to say I love this program/plan.  It is just very difficult to remember that I am learning a lifestyle again that is teaching me moderation is the key. 

Today's meeting they stressed the importance of me time.  They went around the room asking what our ideas of me time is & people said: reading, taking a bath, going for a walk.  And he pointed out that no one said eating food.  It made me think WOW.  I don't ever consider snaking as me time but the first thing I do when I am stressed or overwhelmed is eat not think OK I need to take some meet time to decompress.  I don't know what that seemed to be such a shocker for me. I know I am an emotional eater I just never connected the lack of me time to it AT ALL!! Today I did consider the meeting as me time. I didn't have to listen for a baby or stop in the middle of something to help DS1.  It was relaxing, Church is the same way except I am always watching the reader board to see if one of my boys numbers come up, meaning I am need upstairs to change a diaper or something.  So my goal this week is to find me time everyday. I don't write on this blog until everyone is asleep so this has taken the place of my journaling so blogging is very much me time. But I need a way to chill when the kids aren't in bed yet or when I am at work.  As much as I hate to admit it going to the gym is also excellent me time. But getting there is so difficult. I work until 5:30 so I come home eat dinner & it is almost 7PM & then it is time to start baths & bedtimes. The best time to work out is on my days off.  I am going to try to get to the gym at least once this week. I think that is a good goal I would love to start going three days right away but I think one day is much more realistic.

A Bed of Nails

I wrote this back in 2009 after I had lost almost 30lbs & then quickly gained it back. This is how I feel about my weight loss struggle.

I sleep on a bed of nails
It pokes & sticks me all night
It is so uncomfortable I can't sleep
Sometimes it even makes me cry
I dread going to bed
I stress knowing all the pain
And tossing & turning that is coming
I am angry that I've been sleeping on it for so long

I dream of having a nice cushy bed
Memory foam and all
So comfortable and softThe same position I went to sleep in
No more pain, anger, stress or tears

Then one day it happened
My dream came true, my prayers answered
I came home to find the bed of my dreams
In my room magically, right next to my bed of nails
All soft, warm & waiting for me to climb in

I let out a big sigh & smile
but only for a moment
Then it starts to set in
The anxiety & fear 
I walk toward my dream bed
And walk right past it
And lay on my bed of nails
As I let the familiar pain set it
I cry myself to sleep

Maybe one day I will sleep in
The bed of my dreams
That is now so close in reach
But for now I cling to my pain

Fighting the urges & losing

Well I hate to say it but it was a typical second week woes.  I have eaten two weeks worth of weekly points in two days!  I have no cushion now.  I am frustrated & just keep turning to food. I am trying to come up w/ ways to fight the cycle & I am losing. I remember going through this even when I lost weight w/ LA Weight Loss. After every weigh in day was a splurge day or two & I would have to be really good the rest of the week to get my 2 lbs loss for the next week. Which proves to me that if I can stick to it w/o splurging as much as I am my weight loss could be even more successful.

Tonight was Biggest Loser night.  Season after season I watch these people melt away & say get up off the couch & start living.  All of them become big fitness & health nuts. I am not saying that is a bad thing but I just can't see myself at that place.  Don't get me wrong when I work out regularly I love it but the whole eating right all the time frustrates me because it isn't realistic.  But then I am reminded that this is what WW is teaching me, MODERATION.

My anxiety is really high for some reason right now which also doesn't help w/ the diet. But tomorrow is another day & I need to start it in the right direction. Hopefully the rest of the week goes better.

WEIGH IN on 4/3/2011

So this isn't an official WW weigh in, cause I didn't get there today, but at my house this morning after eating almost all my weekly points yesterday alone I was still down 4. I weighed in at 167 and I am not happy w/ it.  See I am crazy!! My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week and this week I lost 4 lbs so I am technically ahead of the game and yet I can't stop thinking about when I was almost down 6 lbs on Wed.
I have thought about only weighing myself once a week but I can't seem to help it. I weigh my self sometimes several times a day. My Friends say it isn't healthy & I know it isn't accurate to weigh myself like that.  Yet all I care about it seeing the smallest number possible on the scale so I know that on a work day when I get up at 7AM I am going on my days off when I don't get up until around 9 AM.  This is why places like WW have set meetings & weigh in times so it is consistent. SO knowing all this WHY on earth am I upset about my 4 lbs weight loss? Here is where my vicious cycle normally begins. It can either start on a good or bad weigh in. How can it start on a good weigh in you ask, well I think Oh I am doing great I can afford to splurge a little my goal is only 2lbs a week. Then on a bad weigh in where I am not losing or gaining I think well screw it. 

I know I've heard this before but I have to say it is 100% true for me. The  more junk you put into your body the more you body craves the junk. Just yesterday I splurged w/ my weekly points had some sweet & sour chicken & chocolate bar or two. And today I couldn't stop myself we went to Red Robin & I ate a bacon cheese burger 28 P+ (I hate 1/2 of it) & oh yes I had to have fries w/ it another 8 P+ then I ate another chocolate bar, Tortilla chips & cheese, & now just finished off a foot long subway. SO my weekly points were just refreshed today & I think I have used everyone of them.  And as I sit here I want more chocolate so bad & I think well why not. But I am going to resist. Tomorrow I am back to packing my lunch & eating well & I think I need to start dividing up my weekly points so I don't eat them all back to back in two days.

So onto the infamous week 2. In Biggest Loser it is the week where everyone loses the smallest percentage of weight & it is the week I normally give up & quit.

It feels like cheating....

I have had a tough couple days w/ eating right, well kinda.  See w/ the new WW P+ plan similar to the old plan you got weekly points. I have been dipping into those weekly points the last two days & I feel terrible about it.  I normally would have said well I screwed this meal up might as well screw the whole day up & eat away.  I am very ALL or NOTHING type of person. I wish I could always be all about losing weight but I mainly stay on the nothing side. So I keep on reminding myself I am not cheating I am still on plan & not to throw the whole thing out the window, which is my first instinct.

SO for example of my splurging yesterday; I had packed my lunch for work like a good girl & when I got to work found out it was chili feed day. The smell filled the entire call center. So by lunch time I had checked out the points value & said yeah I can do that 9 points plus for a cup of chili. So I went & got what looked like 3/4 cup of chili & it was very tasty.  Then I made the mistake of going upstairs by the deli & found out that it was French Dip day. French Dips are one of my FAVORITE MEALS!!!!!!!!  I would even eat it for Breakfast. So I have no idea where my will power went but I went & got the special & Oh my it even came w/ Potato Salad. I only took a couple bites of the salad & ate 1/2 of my French dip but I felt sooooo bad after eating all that food. However I put it all into my tracker & still have points left for dinner, not many but some so I used some weekly points for my snack that night. Then today I decided to budget my points to allow for my breakfast splurge of a breakfast sandwich from the deli at work, around 8 points +. But there is something about that sandwich, I don't know how but the English muffin w/ egg, ham & Havarti cheese makes me want chocolate. I always have this undesirable urge to eat chocolate after I eat it & I normally do. So I ate my Kashi Golean peanut butter & chocolate, another 5 p+. All this week my breakfast was costing me 4 p+: Oatmeal & strawberries.  Today's was 13!!  So needless to say I had to used some weekly points again.

As I said in my last post I have been saving my weekly points for date night tomorrow night w/ my hubby. I am concerned about the weigh in being after the day I am planning on spend all my weekly points. I was thinking about going to a meeting tomorrow & weighing in but I don't think they count any weight in besides your official day & my is Sunday. I've been weighing myself at home & on Wed was thrilled & in disbelief at what I saw, the scale said 165.8, I weighed two more time to make sure it was sure about that. But I hadn't used any of my weekly points at that point so now the scale has gone up a bit. And I don't know if my scale & the one at WW matches, I forgot to weigh myself before I left for the meet ting on Sunday. 

So possible weight in tomorrow instead of Sunday, stayed tuned for the official results.