Vanity just isn't enough....

Sorry for my absence as of late, I've been enjoying our summer and Hubby and I just had our 12th Wedding Anniversary.  Time to get back to to my blogging accountability. Things with my trainer are going great.  I am still seeing her twice a week. I can feel the change i my muscle definition however the scale has only gone up, which is super frustrating! I know it is because I am not managing my food intake. I am not pigging out but I am eating the 200-300 calories I burn at my work outs with her.  The other day she asked me if I am still feeling motivated to reach my goal and I had to be honest and tell her no.  So we were talking about finding my motivation and the fact that vanity is no longer enough motivation for me. I used to want to be thin so bad that was enough to motivate me. All those things that say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I've gotten to the point in my life where that is BS.

Now being skinny doesn't mean anything to me. For so long that was my only focus and motivation in my brain was to be thin.  I used to connect being thin to so many feelings of validation. In high school skinny= pretty, attention from boys, sharing my friends clothing, not being the fat friend anymore.  Then I found someone who loved me and then the idea of being thin was attached to being pretty and the fear of him leaving me, if I wasn't thin. Keeping in mind I have gained weight off and on our entire relationship.  Then for a short time at the beginning of our marriage I was just happy and content with who I was and where I was at, even though it was over weight.  After I had my first son the need to be skinny was back.  It was the last time I lost more than 10 lbs and kept it off for a while and even then the brain went right back to I need to be skinny to be pretty for my husband.  My self confidence dropped to non existent until I lost 30 lbs then I was back and I was on top of the world. I felt like hubby gave me more attention and was much more attracted to me which was only a confidence boost.  Now 12 years of marriage later I am very aware that my husband wasn't more attracted to me because I lost weight, he loves me unconditionally, however he finds my confidence extremely sexy and that is only around when I feel I look good.

Figuring out that just wanting to be thinner isn't enough to motivate me was an interesting realization. When I am searching for motivation, I look at old thinner pictures of me I remember a time when I was thinner.  No wonder I haven't found motivation to actually do something about it yet.  I am searching for my motivation in the wrong places.  My trainer challenged me to write down my goals and reasons I am really working out and trying to lose weight and then figure out what habits are keeping me from this goal. With these two items we can then make a plan of action to get to where I want to be.  I started writing things down like: To not worry about getting Type 2 diabetes, to get off blood pressure meds, to have normal blood pressure, to have energy to be the Wife, Mom and homemaker I've always wanted to be.  A very different perspective than I have ever looked at weight loss with.

I need to remind myself..

I have had some big highs and lows this last week, all resulting in over eating. I was feeling very down and frustrated.Last night as I was being cranky about everything I can't seem to accomplish I reminded myself I am a freaking half marathoner! I can and have accomplished amazing things. I can push thru and keep going when everything inmate is telling me to quit. I am capable of so much more than I think I am.  I finished 13.1 miles on my own two feet. The Tinkerbell half seems like forever ago. For weeks afterwards the fact that I completed it would be almost the very first thing I thought about. I still feel like if I could do that I can do anything.  I just need to remind myself of this more often.

I was talking to hubby about how I am a BIG picture person. I can see the end goal so clearly, I can taste it. But when it comes to the daily grind of things I have to do to get to said goal, I freak out and always figure one more day won't make a difference. But as I've said before days turn into weeks.  I sometimes miss how a week used to fee like it lasted FOREVER. When you are a kid, the school year felt super long and summer and Christmas took forever to get here. Now we live in the grown up world were time flies and we never have enough of it.  Before another year has come and gone I need to make the decision and do the daily NEED TO, to get the goal I WANT TO.

Something I am super proud of from this last week is the fact that including today I've been to the gym 3 times and 2 of them were before work on a Monday morning!!  I am not a morning person!

When I tell hubby about goals to get up and work out before work he says I love you and you should but are you going to? And I would respond probably not.  This morning I got up at 5:45AM. I have not been up at that time since we went to Disneyland for the Tinkerbell Half. And the urge to text a quick: I can't make it, I'm sick or something, so I can stay sleeping, was there and it was strong.  But I knew my trainer would be waiting for me and I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, avoiding work outs and weigh ins and over eating.  It may seem simple to most to get up and get to the gym but I am ridiculously proud of this.  Asked my trainer for some accountability with my eating because I am still struggling there. She will now be checking that at our appointments and I think that will help me because I am not willing to give up my training sessions I have committed to pay for, for the next 3 months so there is no avoiding her and being accountable. The only option is to  be accountable and start eating right.

Let's test you for that...

My first training session was two days ago. It was suppose to be just some measurements and mobility testing.  We spent some time catching up it had been over 5 years since we last worked out together. I was seeing her when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I started this whole blog after I had him so I've never talked about her. The last time I saw her I wasn't willing to listen. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know and I was just annoyed most the time I was at the gym.  I am surprised she reached out to me when she came back but I am very glad she did. I am in a very different place than I was 5 years ago, well not physically but mentally I am.

We looked at my body fat percentage and I learned that I have 75 lbs of fat on my body and that according to the scale at the gym I need to lose 53 lbs, 45 of that will be fat and 8 of it will be lean body mass.  She said that when you have as much weight to lose as I do, losing some lean body mass is inevitable. Also that I can't lose all my body fat because that wouldn't be healthy, but we are going to get me down to 24% body fat, I am right around 43% right now.   We got done with all the assessments early and had time for "part of a workout".  Well it wasn't even a whole work out and I can hardly walk.  Granted I think we did the majority of the leg portion of the work out but no upper body but still!  As we were scheduling my second appointment I wanted to keep on making appointments and she seemed a little surprised I was so eager to just sign up for training. But hubby had agreed that I can do what I need to do, and I know I need this!

During some of our visiting she asked me why am I ready to finally make the change now? My response was something that I don't know if I've really admitted to myself. I told her because what Drs had once said was a possible concern in the future has turned into lets test you for that.  I am now on blood pressure meds and with high blood pressure & Type 2 diabetes running in my family I am now to the age where I can't keep on putting this off. She asked if my Dr recommended that I diet and exercise to help with my blood pressure and I told her nope.  And she shook her head and said they never seem too.

I am now excited and scared all at the same time.  The last time I put this kind of money out for something weight loss related was the last time I lost weight. I feel more obligated to this than just my gym membership this is allot of extra money and I feel more concerned about not doing it.  I am making a serious investment in myself for these work outs and I need to not waste them by eating the calories I burn, like I did with my half marathon training.

200 sticks of butter

I know I've talked about this before but it came up again and it is such a vivid explanation, I wanted to share it again.  The other day Hubby and I were talking about the weight we both need to lose. He started the conversation, he just completed the STP (Seattle to Portland bike ride) for the 4th year and the 2nd time he has done it in about a 15 hr period of time. Every year he says I need to lose ____ lbs by next STP. He was talking about how he has about 30 lbs to lose and I told him I have allot more than that. I need to lose 50 lbs, as we drove I was trying to visualize the weight I need to lose. I often try to justify the fact that so many people need to lose so much more than I do. Watching people on shows like Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser make me feel like I'm not SO bad.  I remembered that 4 sticks of butter is a pound and about looks like fat.  I started doing the math in my head 4x50=200.  I then exclaimed to my husband that I have 200 sticks of butter to lose.  I then tried imagining attaching 200 sticks of butter to my body. I don't even know how I would go about doing it.  If I consider that I have minimal fat on my arms and legs that means I probably have 85% of my "sticks of butter" from my double chin to my gut.  I told hubby I wanted to go buy 200 sticks of butter so I could take a picture of it for motivation and this blog post of course, he laughed and said no. LOL!  But that is what I have all over my body and organs. It makes me feel kind of sick about it all.  This thought process really sent me into a downward spiral of feeling awful about myself. I started beating myself up: How could you let yourself get to this point, You just keep failing, If you would have stuck to something you wouldn't be having this conversation with yourself.  This was all making me depressed and feeling extreamely self-conscious, making me want to shut down and not see anyone or do anything.

Then out of the blue I got a phone call. I didn't recognize the number so I normally don't answer but hubby insisted, for some reason, that I do answer it.  It was my old personal trainer from about 5 years ago. She is coming back to the gym I belong to and offered me a free session. I booked it on the spot for this next Thursday.  That phone call gave me a little bit of hope that some how I can turn all this around. I want to be strong, I want to have muscle, I want to be healthy and full of energy.  The only person in my life that has ever told me I can't do this is myself and I know I can do this. Do I need help? Obviously!

5 of the diet lies we tell ourselves.....

If you're like me, we have our goto reasons/excuses or the lies we tell ourselves that allow us to cheat on, quit or just not start our diets all together.

LIE #1:  I'll start on Monday

We've ALL have said this or used this one.  It is a lie there is no reason you have to wait until Monday. Some even take it a step further that well It's the 20th of the month might as well just start next Month.  For me this lie triggers binge eating and weight gain.  I try to make my weekend before my diet worth it by eating all the foods I will not be able to eat anymore. So I binge on all my favorite fast food and sweets.  Then when I mess up Monday because my cravings are so incredibly strong, after feeding them all weekend, I then wait until next Monday and repeat trying to think of more foods I want to eat before I can't eat them anymore.  There is no better day than TODAY to start. All the  reasons you have to wait until Monday are lies. If you look for them those same excuses they will be there on Monday to try to keep you from starting. So Start NOW!

LIE #2:  I just don't have time to cook healthy meals, I'm just too busy.

This is my go to reason for eating out and not packing my breakfast, lunches or not meal planning at all. I'm a busy working Mom, by the time I get home it's late, I don't want to or have time to cook.  I know from past weight loss success, how important it is to cook and prepare meals at home.  It is simple when you know exactly what is going into your food you know how many calories to track. But the truth is we all have time to eat healthy. The time you spend on your phone or computer alone is enough time to pack your lunch and prepare/cook meals.  Once I was asked to journal my time I spent during the day doing things, anything. The time it takes you go to and from work, time it takes to run you kids about. If I sat down to watch TV you quickly jot down the time you start and then went you leave that & do something else jot down the time. When you pick up your phone, iPad or computer to surf the web or Facebook write down the time.  If you can commit to doing this just for a day it is very eye opening.  It makes you realize how much time you sit on your ass doing nothing. I figured that the time I have after I put the kids to bed, when I usually sit down and spend an hour or so on my computer, is the time I could be pulling out dinner from the freezer for the next day and making my lunch.  We all have time it just means forfeiting some computer or TV time. In the long run preparing your meals will not only save you money but it'll help you on your quest to health. Which would you rather have??? Weight loss or knowing who won biggest loser? 

LIE #3:  It was just a bite I don't need to track it or count it..... Or I know what 5oz looks like I don't need to weigh it, Or that looks like about a cup.

LIES ALL LIES!!! As much as I think that one Hershey kiss won't do any damage, it is that plus the one handful of trail mix, the two bites of Mac & Cheese from my kids plate etc... You add all these things together and it does make a difference. At one of my WW meetings they said that 99% of all plateaus the run into at WW are from not tracking everything thing you snack on, not measuring & weighing your portions.  Another part of the problem comes this with all those low calorie snacks we love to eat. My current obsession is: Boomchickpop Kettle corn. It is only like 70 calories a cup!  Before you know it I've eaten the whole bag, and that defeats the whole only 70 calories a serving. Just cause it is low calorie doesn't mean you don't need to portion it out. But we tell ourselves it's just a bite.  If your struggling with a plateau go back to the basics and weigh, measure and track everything.

LIE #4:  It's not fair that others can eat what ever they want & I can't!!

I am guilty of saying this ALL THE TIME!!!  When we would go out to eat with friends and they order the cheese fries and bloomin onion at Outback and I am ordering my meal light style with no butter, it makes me angry.  I would become so consumed with the fact that I can't and they can, and stay skinny, it would be all I could think about the rest of the meal.  Resulting normally in some binge eating at home that night. Telling myself I was good at dinner I deserve a treat.  But have you really paid attention to the eating habits of thinner people?? If we are honest we know they don't always eat like the do when they go out. They have the moderation thing figured out! So when they go out they are able to because they've chosen to eat healthy the rest of the week.  As I've gotten older I have noticed more and more what people snack on at work.  The people who are thinner and heathy have fruits and veggies they are snacking on. They are eating smaller meals through out the work day, they bring lunches from home.  There are very few people in life that actually can just eat what ever they want with out weight gain. We have to stop telling this lie to our selves, it only causes a pity party that has no real cause.

LIE #5:  I can be happy just the way I am....

I have tried several times to convince myself of this. Telling myself that if I could just be happy this way life would be so much simpler. I think this is one of the most harmful lies I tell myself. I do believe you should love your self where you are and maybe you could be happy but to fool yourself into believing that it is healthy to be overweight is not OK.  I have been diagnosed as "healthy" most of my overweight adult life.  If a Dr. says maybe you need to lose weight most people go off the handle and get all kinds of upset saying can you believe he said that to me?!?!  Because of this the true reason for most of our strange ailments is treated with medications that don't fix the real problem.  I've been dianosed healthy for so long literally over a 2 week period I went from being told I was fine to being put on blood pressure meds.  I was very surprised and upset.  When I questioned them putting me on blood pressure meds for what must have been an isolated event they showed me my records and I've had higher than normal blood pressure for over a year. And because it  seems to be going up they decided it was time to treat it.  The #1 cause of high blood pressure is being overweight. The best way to treat high blood pressure? Diet and exercise... Did anyone ever say anything like that? Nope.  This lie is the one that would cause me to wake up one day with Type 2 Diabetes. This lie is the most dangerous of them all. 

I decided on Thursday enough is enough it is time to start TODAY!! So even with the 4th being just a couple days later I started tracking everything I ate.  I've singed up for two 5K's and am starting the C25K program again. As hard as running was and as much as I hated it at times, I am starting to really miss the way it made me feel.  

Fitness is an escalator

It has been 5 weeks since the Tinker Bell Half Marathon and I have yet to put my running shoes back on.  My treadmill is collecting dust and the room that it is in is become a catch all.   After I missed the 10K the week after the half. I was like oh well, I completed my half in Disneyland I deserve some time off.  After the first two weeks I had convinced myself that I would not be running again. I kind of always thought that once this was done I would be done running.  I even told hubby that I figure I may do a 5K here and there and use the treadmill for some light cardio but my training days are behind me.

The weeks have gone by and I have been the queen of maintenance, my weight only fluctuating a pound or two. However, the muscle, that was starting to be so clearly defined, in my legs is gone. My clothing is not fitting as well, my stomach seems to be growing even w/o any weight gain. I'm feeling sluggish and lazy.   I am losing everything I achieved during training.

Fitness is really like going up a downward escalator.  You know what I am talking about, admit it....you've ran up the down escalator at a department store.  How is fitness an escalator?? Think back to when you were younger and decided to run up the escalator. You were excited and took off attacking the steps. Normally this is how we all start a diet or a new exercise routine, with excitement and running full force. As you train, if your doing it right, things never get easier.  You will get faster and stronger but things won't get easier. And no mater how long you run up that downward escalator, it will not give you a break, it doesn't get easier to fight against the downward flow.  And if you take a break on one what happens????  That's right you slowly start going back down to where you started.  You stopped your work outs and you lose strength, endurance and muscles.

Now the escalator looks more daunting and difficult. You think about how hard it was and why would you want to try that again.  That is where I am right now!! My treadmill looks so daunting knowing it's about time to start all over again.  But I still think back to when I was in my running prime and that wasn't even for the Half.  It was back last June about a year ago when I had been consitant with my training and I was actually getting faster and feeling stronger.  I miss that felling.  I miss the whole progression and getting better at things. I am craving those feelings again.  Even though that escalator doesn't look like much fun this time around I must get back on it.

An unfortunate experiment....

Last Thursday I was doing a Costco run and this XXL bag of M&M's was calling my name it was on a great sale. And the laziness in me justified buying them because then I wouldn't have to stop somewhere else to fulfill my chocolate craving.  Needless to say I've been eating massive quantities of said M&M's.  Brining pretty full baggies to work and eating a handful whenever I passed the bag in the kitchen.  Friday I realized I was cranky, moody, hating my job and being antisocial. Now I do not really enjoy my job any day but I've been dealing with it better in the last few weeks and now I was back to being ready to walk out the door.  I started to wonder if chocolate was making me hate my job?  I know it sounds crazy but it gets even a little crazier. On top of being really moody I also felt like my heart was racing and I had that buzz about me that I would normal attribute to anxiety but I wasn't having the anxiousness that goes along with it (Again, all praise to Jesus for that). I decided to take my blood pressure.

Just a week or so ago my blood pressure was completely in normal range 122/79, last night it was 150/105  O_O  That is NOT GOOD!!  I called my Mom to see what she thought cause my Dad has high blood pressure and so I thought maybe she would have some knowledgable thoughts to add.  She asked me what I've been eating. I was honest and since last Thur when I decided to do WW again I've been eating allot of Junk and SO many M&M's.   She tells me that sugar will make your blood pressure go up faster than salt will.   WHAT?!?!?!?!  I've never heard of such a thing! Part of me thought that is crazy.  But in the desperate attempt to lower my blood pressure today I did an experiment. I ate no processed sugar all morning and into the afternoon. Took my blood pressure to get a 122/89, not quite good blood pressure but much better.  Part two of the experiment: It has been about 3 hours since dinner and I had a handfull of M&M's, it's been about a half an hour since then and I just took my blood pressure to find it back up at 138/92.  Well crap!!!  Even though it was only a 24 hr experiment it is enough results that I realize I have to give up sugar for the most part. I am sure every now and then some sugar will be fine but the massive quanitites of it I've been eating has to go. My body has spoken, it is heart racing, high blood pressure, my moods are horrible. It is not the results I wanted.  I've known for years that eating to much sugar makes my anxiety way worse but now I have to admit to myself that sugar and me are not getting along right now.