Here we go............

So today I plan on going grocery shopping to make sure I have all the diet foods I need in the house. However I still have the small problem of that I don't know what my diet plan is going to be.  I told DH the other day that I could eat cake every meal and lose weight if I was sticking to the calories. That is the thing is that all diets out there really work if you stick w/ them long enough and do them exactly as they say.   I have so many different diet plans going on in my head and so many horrible thoughts and things I associate w/ them.  How to change my thinking?  I think of having to diet and I think all negatives; failing, restrictive, missing out, unfair that I can't eat things, how cranky I am going to be, how I can't stick with it, missing foods I enjoy, caffein headache, to much time to prepare, hate cooking at home, no eating out, I'm hopeless, no point in trying, and the list keeps going on.  With all these thoughts that hit me every time I think about trying to get in shape & lose weight. No wonder I can't seem to get it together.

So It is now later in the day we went grocery shopping and I forgot my list at home. So I didn't get food for my diet.  I am so tired of feeling defeated all the time.  I am still going to try to start tomorrow. I have a slightly different schedule next week because of the holiday.  My regular schedule only gives me a 1/2 hr lunch but this next week I'll have an hour lunch so I am planning on using that to get an official meal plan figured out.  I know if I eat eggs and fruit for breakfast, then almonds and fruit for snacks, salad w/ protein for lunch then I just need to get dinner figured out.  Now am I starting the Advocare cleanse tomorrow?  I have such mixed feelings about it. I don't want to cause it isn't fun or easy BUT i feel like I could really benefit from a cleanse my body is full of crap.  SO I guess I need to get up early tomorrow so that I can drink my cleanse and eat my breakfast, pack my lunch. At least there is still no school tomorrow so I don't have to worry about getting DS1 ready for school in addition to it.

So as much as I dislike counting calories I think that is going to be part of my plan. I am going to try  to eat as clean & organic, trying to stick to whole grains for my starches.  Try to have lean protein and more veggies than I like. I am going to do the Advocare cleanse and take the vitamins after that. I will only weigh in once a week. I am going to try to stay off the scale in between. I am tempted to try to weigh in every 10 days because of the cleanse or maybe do day 1, day 10 then every week after that.  Must have a reward every 10 days regardless of weight loss. This reward is for keeping to the plan.  I will wear my body media band and input my calories on the Jillian Michaels website I already subscribe to.  I will also have my weight rewards in addition to my 10 day rewards. The 10 day rewards are just to get me thru the first 30 days.  I still need something to push for for the first 10 days.  Also I want to drink a min of 8 glasses of water but my goal is 1/2 my weigh in oz so 90oz of water a day.

So lets recap the plan:
-1200-1500 calories a day w/ a 1000 calorie deficit a day
-Eat whole grains, lean protein and lots of fruit a veggies.
-Doing the Advocare 10 day cleanse and vitamin packs
-Imputing calories and plugging in my arm band nightly to Jillian's website
-64-90oz  of water a day
-Once a week weigh ins
-20 mins of walking 3 times a week on my treadmill for the first 30 days, then I will up it. Right now I    just need to make a habit of moving and exercising.
-Rewards every 10 days for first 30 days,
-Weight loss rewards for ever 5% loss

So it is any one diet, not really. It will be close to Advocare's but not exactly. The healthy eating is basic knowledge along w/ calories in & out.  The key for me is going to be staying motivated. To keep moving forward. To fight the urge to eat junk and candy.  I know it may sound cheesy but I think I am going to make a paper chain to count down my 30 days and write inspirational words on them. I want to take each ring off in the morning as a way to help motivate me as well to succeed for that day.  Wish me luck, tomorrow is the day. I can't believe how scared & nervous I am.

The fear & what if's

Laying in bed last night tossing and turning.  Trying to figure out why it is so hard to do this.  And it is the constant fear and what if I fail, what if we need to go out w/ friends, what if it doesn't work.  The fear is so debilitating.  This morning I got up and have no official plan. I ate eggs and fruit for breakfast and a lean pocket and grapefruit for lunch.  It isn't perfect but it's better than not doing anything.  I keep on thinking about a prepackaged meal plan so I just don't have to think but this wouldn't help my relationship w/ food.  The problems w/ the prepackaged foods are they are low in calorie because they are processed and they have bars, snacks and all the stuff to fill your habits. So you aren't changing your habits you are simple swapping different foods for the ones you normally eat but they are still filling the need for that type of food.  Which I think well at this might be needed for people can't change and maybe I am to that point where I need to eat processed crap because it is better than being fat & unhealthy.  I don't know..................

Still not sure what to do

Didn't start today. Woke up weighed in at 182.8. I'm not surprised at that at all. I was kind of expecting it and I am now even more unsure of what to do and feeling more and more panicked about it.  I was looking at what my future holds if things don't change and it is; type 2 diabeties, dentures, depression, anxiety, low sex drive, low self esteem, winkles and living in constant pain and exhaustion.  Everyone on my dad's side has type 2 diabeties. My dad and my uncle have both lost most of their teeth after years of no cavities. My dad just got complete top dentures and can finally eat again. While I sell the best skin car in the world I don't make time to use it everyday  and if that isn't a priority I will end up wrinkly. And walking to and from my car at work which includes some stairs has me out if breath and my body has random  aches all the time.  I just want to aka sure I am set up for success and I feel so sick almost everyday I am afraid to start something new and taking vitamins and such. Right now I feel very nauseated and there are so many flus going around that I stress cause if I get it that  means the rest of the house will probably get it.  However I look also at my BIL and his family his kids and him always seem to have some kind if flu. I kid you not every time we see the w/ in 25 hrs someone is puking or had a fever and I don't think it is possible to have the flu that often. DH and I are 99% sure they all suffer from some food allergy and that is what is causing the reactions. So with that logic I ow the fact that I do 't feel well isrobw ly more to do with being unhealthy than having a flu.

I so desperately want to start tomorrow and get going and in the same breath I am scared and feel unprepared still. 

All this research isn't helping.....

I have been researching and researching. Trying to find the perfect combination of things for my diet that I want to start tomorrow. I've looked at Advocare's 24 day challenge, medifast prepackaged food program, LA weight loss at home, weight watchers, carb cycling.......... STOP IT!!!  My mind is just going on and on about options. What diet should I follow? Should I get a personal trainer? I am borderline terrified to start this time around and I'm not sure why.  Is it the fear of failing again? Is it because if feels so final this time, like this is it, I am really going to change my life and I am not fond of change?

I am afraid to step on the scale and see my starting weight.  I've been eating A LOT!!  I am sure I am at least at my highest of 181 or maybe a little higher.  We didn't make it to the grocery store so I am not even prepared to start tomorrow like I've been planning.  I am not sure if I should just go w/ it and eat what I think will be good tomorrow. I think I have at least one day of diet food in this house. But dinner could be tricky.  If I could get through tomorrow then I could buy myself until Saturday to go grocery shopping and finish my meal plan.  But then do I start the Advocare cleanse or just start taking vitamins??  I really fell like I should do the cleanse cause I feel sick 90% of the time. I mean my body feels like it is begging me to stop eating junk and crap.  I am always tired and finding more aches and pains daily.  My XL clothing isn't fitting. So do I jump in w/o a plan or do I wait another day to fine tune my plan and figure out what I am going to do.

It comes down to the fact that there is no one plan that gives me everything I want.  I want my plan to include set meals w/ less options (at least until the bad habits are broken), eating as clean and organic as possible, use my body media arm band, track what I am eating w/o tracking calories.  Calories have always stressed me out. I can eat healthy all day & find out I am way over my calories.  The problems w/ what I want is if I am not tracking calories wearing my arm band is pointless because I won't be able to see my calorie deficit. Prepackaged food would b a great way for me to have set meals w/ less options but then they are very processed and then I am not eating clean or organically. I keep going back to the Advocare thing cause it tells me what to eat but it is kind of like the LA weight loss. Eat a protein and a complex carb for this meal.  To use my body media band I will have to input what I ate and that will put the calories attached to it. I am stressing my self out about this.  I feel like if I don't start tomorrow I've already failed but the reason I am researching so much is because I want to set my self up for success by making sure it is something I can stick to & I haven't even figured out my goal for completing my first 10 days yet.

Disneyland & my 34th birthday is only 9 weeks away.  *sigh*  

Merry Christmas!!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  My amazing DH got me a diamond infinity ring for my right hand. We've been looking at infinity symbol rings since our 10 year anniversary. I love him and what this ring means to both of us.  My boys are playing hard w/ the gifts they got and we still have one more celebration to go tonight.  We video taped all of last night and this morning and I made sure I was just present, not adjusting my clothing not moving out of the way of the camera.  I haven't watched the videos yet but I wasn't hiding in them either.

I am getting really nervous about my 30 day challenge I am setting up for myself to start in just 2 short days.  I work tomorrow and the next day but I am so concerned that I will not be able to succeed.  I still don't have a good reward for completing my first 10 days. Tomorrow work will be busier than it was yesterday but I plan on it still being slow enough that I can plan out my meals & snacks.  My jaw has been hurting for the last 2 days and DH says he wants me to go to the dentist because I may need a root canal or something. Not my idea of fun and I think to my self of course I need something like that because I am trying to diet and when stuff like that happens it makes me think it is a valid excuse cause I can't eat certain foods then.  So the whole idea of that stresses me out.  I am to easily stressed.

Lots still to do to get ready for tonight some presents to finish knitting. So I'll write again tomorrow about my plans and prep for my 30 days.

Christmas Eve Eve

It is the day before Christmas Eve!!  Christmas Eve has always been my favorite.  When I was a kid it is when we opened all our presents. Santa only brought stockings never presents. DH grew up in a house where it was the opposite. Everything on Christmas morning. So we've decided that Santa brings a presents and stockings but DH even makes me wait to open our presents for Christmas Day.  This year is a little different because we are going to DH's family tomorrow instead of mine & then mine on Christmas Day for dinner so we will have all Christmas morning and early afternoon at home. I have to admit that will be nice.

DH had a dream the other night that we were some kind of fitness fanatic family.  He said that I was running on my treadmill in the morning then he went for a bike ride and then I was like ok it's family yoga time and we all had Yoga mats and did a yoga video in he living room. He said he then was thinking about how we could probably all do family yoga together and that the boys would probably love it.  It would be a little crowded and it was hard to picture DH doing yoga, LOL!  Truth be told there would be no work out during the day at home, that couldn't be done w/o the boys.

My BFF and her DH were over for dinner the other night & I said something about my blog and she was surprised that I had one. I said yep I've had it for 3 years w/ no results except weight gain. She thinks I should publish it. I told her I still want to keep this unpublished until I start having success but that I am tracking everything the good, bad & ugly.

It's the most wonderful time, of the year.....

The Christmas season has always been my favorite.  It is just shortly after midnight & I just wrapped the majority of presents.  I love the spirit of the season and so thankful for the Reason for the Season.

As I've said before, I decided to be in the pictures. So I booked & took our family pictures even w/ no weight loss and I want to be in the home movies this year w/o those awkward moments were you see me trying to hide my tummy or chin.  Gift giving is my love language and truly, there is nothing more I love than giving someone the perfect gift. I am super excited about some of the gifts I am giving this year. We went a little overboard & got the boys their own iPads minis and they are going to freak out! I got my Mom a Coach purse cause she deserves it and I am knitting this shawl/cowl for my niece that I think she is really going to love.

 I am so uncomfortable in my own skin and my stomach is starting to sit between my legs when I sit criss cross apple sauce(as my 1st grader would say).  My weight & size has been effecting my enjoyment of my favorite things like Disneyland & Christmas for years because of the pictures & videos.  It is not fair that I have been allowing this to happen for so long.  And with each year I've gotten bigger, making it more difficult each year to look past it. The family pictures of me I posted, are not hiding my double chin but I can say I went in and that is my real smile, a little crooked & a twinkle in the eye. :-)  My first goal before any weight loss goal is go be a joyful in all the pictures I am in this holiday. Not to hide but to be in the picture and be present, enjoying my favorite holiday to the fullest.