Am I a glutton for punishment??

After the 5K yesterday I found myself on active.com looking up 5K's and seeing that the Tinkerbell half still has spots open and thinking I wish I was doing the Pixie Dust challenge next year (10K on Saturday and half on Sunday)  Then I shake my head and tell myself to snap out of it! I remind myself how miserable I was during and after my half.   Why does it seem the endorphins from running hacks into the crazy part of our brain? I read somewhere to never make a promise when you're in a excellent mood. I think this is the only way most people sign up for a race. After a race is over you feel accomplished, happy and so glad it is done. Then you start thinking that wasn't so bad.

Today another runner at work that saw me at the Run a Muk, he has ran the Boston marathon w/ an 8 min pace O_O, asked me how my race was and what I am doing next.  This is someone who in my 9 years at my job he has hardly said two words to me but now we have something in common. He wanted to know if I was doing the River Run again this year, I told him no I will be on vacation but I loved that run last year.  As we talked I realized I have no plans for anything running wise.  BFF and I are going to do the Biggest Loser walk/run. She is going to do the Half and I am planning on the 5K.  They have a Walk Half Marathon option and they allow 5 hrs to complete the half marathon.  That is a 22 min pace and I can easily walk a 20 min pace.  I was just thinking I could so do that but then I have flash backs MILE 10 and how I don't know & still don't know how to fuel my body property. What am I thinking?!?!?! Am I a glutton for punishment?? I said NEVER AGAIN. Walking for 5 hrs keeping a good pace w/o breaks just sounds like forever.  The Tinkerbell took me 3:43 with a pace of 16:50. I am still baffled by the fact that yesterdays walked 5K was only 20 sec per mile slower and yet I walked it!!  How is that possible?

My next post is going to address my problem with my nutrition and diet and how I am falling into old habits that seem to go hand and hand with working out........over eating.

Run A Muk 2015

Yesterday we did the Run a Muk 5K. I still have not really ran since the Tinkerbell Half.  I have done a 10 min run/walk on the treadmill last week but that is it! I signed up for this because my Mom kind of wanted to do it again since we did it last year and my niece really wants to start running. We signed us up and as the weekend approached the weather report got really bad.  I woke up before my alarm that morning to the loud sound of the pouring rain. I called my Mom and told her to make sure my Niece was still wanting to do this in this weather and she was all in.  We headed out in the pouring rain and decided that it would be Loki's first 5K too.

It was raining and raining and then the time came for the run to start and the rain stopped!  It was the best weather, nice and cool, no rain or wind.  We walked the whole thing except for the last couple mins. We could see the finish line and my Mom asked if we wanted to run the rest so we did. We went and a slow pace and I noticed that I wasn't to tired or winded and my Mom was very quickly.  Made me feel like my work outs are making a difference in my muscles and my cardio even though I haven't been running. My niece was thrilled with her first 5K finish. She got her first bib and bling and wants more. I told her bibs and bling are what it's all about. ;-)   Loki did great made the whole 3.1 miles and no complaints or stopping. 

After we got home I was curios what my time was last year.  I remember last year I was in a ton of pain and I ran much more than I did this year. My pace was 17:10 vs last years 16:33.

Wait what!?!?!?!  2014 time 52:18 year 2015 time 54:25. You're telling me that this year I comfortably walked the whole thing and I came in only in 2 mins and 7 seconds later?? Now I wonder if it is my fitness level is helping or was it the lack of beating myself up?  I know I walk slower than a 17 min mile normally but this didn't feel like I was walking to fast. I know that mine pace when I run walk slows down to a 20-22 min mile when I walk. Is it the difference of just walking or has my fitness level have something to do with it? 

Never say this to you personal trainer.....

I was really looking forward to my work out today. I was feeling good about my workouts and I'm feeling myself getting stronger.  I checked in and she asked me if I was sore from our last work out, I was honest and said yeah but nothing like some of my first work outs. Her response "Good, that is a sign of fitness." Then she asked How are you feeling about your work outs do you dread them or look forward to them. Again I was honest and said actually I am looking forward to our work outs. Never tell your personal trainer that you were not sore and you were looking forward to your work out!!  Apparently theses statements mean that she should try to kill me. O_O

She had me doing these things called suitcase walk. I had two 26 lb kettle bells, one in each hand. Then would have to take two small lung steps, squat to put the kettle bells down, stand back up then squat to pick them back up and repeat 10 times.  My legs were like Jello by the 3rd rep of these things. Another one of the trainers at the gym said to me, those are hard! My trainers response was: "Isn't she strong!" I knew my muscles could do this but I felt like my heart was going explode. This proves to me yet again that my cardio still needs allot of work.  After my work out my trainer proudly exclaimed that this was the toughest work out she has had me do yet. I said yeah, ya think?

Just a short post today so I could remember what I accomplished today and hope that I can get the nutrition side of this thing going cause I think the work outs are going great!

Splendid...

I have been a consumer of nutra-sweet/aspartame most of my life. I started drinking Diet Pepsi because my Mom did when I was very young. I completely love the stuff. I enjoy it and crave it if I don't have it.  I have never been much of a fan of Diet Coke and then a few years ago Diet Coke started sweetening with Splenda and that stuff gives me a headache.  I would drink a Diet Coke and 15 mins into drinking it develop a nasty headache. This was fine with me cause it gave me a good excuse to just stick with my Diet Pepsi.  This past week I've been getting random headaches and I have been wondering what on earth is causing them.  Last Friday as I was opening my morning pop I read "NOW ASPARTAME FREE"  OH CRAP!!!! I panic and start frantically searching the ingredients  to see what they replaced it with and it is Splenda. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!   I came home and told hubby "Diet Pepsi is using Splenda now." He knows what that means so he asks well when are you going to quit drinking it? We stopped by the store for a couple things yesterday and I was on a hunt.  I started scouring thru all the 2 liters, 20 liters, and cans to see if they had any left with out the Splenda.  I found a 12 pack of cans still with good old aspartame. LOL!! I felt like an addict desperately looking for their next fix.

I know this stuff isn't good for me and I know when I don't drink it, it helps with the whole eating less and especially in the sweets department. This loss of Diet Pepsi will be a good thing but I am not happy about it. I have about 8 cans left and I am going to be so sad to see them go.  I really enjoy pop and worry I'll just end up drinking the full calorie stuff. I don't drink Wine, Beer or even coffee.  Pop is what I drink. Is that a valid excuse to drink the crap? No but it is my justification for it. So I will be parting with my sweet Diet Pepsi very soon.  Maybe this will help with my food consumption.

This next week is the start of my 4th week working out with my trainer and I have no weight loss to show for it yet.  Like I said in yesterday's post... I can feel my muscles defining and changing but my clothes are not fitting better yet and that scale hasn't moved in the direction I want it too.  Tonight as I packed up my bag to shower and get dressed after my work out in the morning I also packed my snacks and lunch for work.  I had told hubby tonight that just the thought of "dieting" makes me cranky.  I need to remind myself that all the times I succeeded really well on WW I didn't feel deprived at all.  I always going into panic MUST EAT IT ALL, mode when I'm about to start a diet. Tonight was no different but hopefully I can keep to tracking and being accountable thru my trainer and this blog.

Vanity just isn't enough....

Sorry for my absence as of late, I've been enjoying our summer and Hubby and I just had our 12th Wedding Anniversary.  Time to get back to to my blogging accountability. Things with my trainer are going great.  I am still seeing her twice a week. I can feel the change i my muscle definition however the scale has only gone up, which is super frustrating! I know it is because I am not managing my food intake. I am not pigging out but I am eating the 200-300 calories I burn at my work outs with her.  The other day she asked me if I am still feeling motivated to reach my goal and I had to be honest and tell her no.  So we were talking about finding my motivation and the fact that vanity is no longer enough motivation for me. I used to want to be thin so bad that was enough to motivate me. All those things that say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, I've gotten to the point in my life where that is BS.

Now being skinny doesn't mean anything to me. For so long that was my only focus and motivation in my brain was to be thin.  I used to connect being thin to so many feelings of validation. In high school skinny= pretty, attention from boys, sharing my friends clothing, not being the fat friend anymore.  Then I found someone who loved me and then the idea of being thin was attached to being pretty and the fear of him leaving me, if I wasn't thin. Keeping in mind I have gained weight off and on our entire relationship.  Then for a short time at the beginning of our marriage I was just happy and content with who I was and where I was at, even though it was over weight.  After I had my first son the need to be skinny was back.  It was the last time I lost more than 10 lbs and kept it off for a while and even then the brain went right back to I need to be skinny to be pretty for my husband.  My self confidence dropped to non existent until I lost 30 lbs then I was back and I was on top of the world. I felt like hubby gave me more attention and was much more attracted to me which was only a confidence boost.  Now 12 years of marriage later I am very aware that my husband wasn't more attracted to me because I lost weight, he loves me unconditionally, however he finds my confidence extremely sexy and that is only around when I feel I look good.

Figuring out that just wanting to be thinner isn't enough to motivate me was an interesting realization. When I am searching for motivation, I look at old thinner pictures of me I remember a time when I was thinner.  No wonder I haven't found motivation to actually do something about it yet.  I am searching for my motivation in the wrong places.  My trainer challenged me to write down my goals and reasons I am really working out and trying to lose weight and then figure out what habits are keeping me from this goal. With these two items we can then make a plan of action to get to where I want to be.  I started writing things down like: To not worry about getting Type 2 diabetes, to get off blood pressure meds, to have normal blood pressure, to have energy to be the Wife, Mom and homemaker I've always wanted to be.  A very different perspective than I have ever looked at weight loss with.

I need to remind myself..

I have had some big highs and lows this last week, all resulting in over eating. I was feeling very down and frustrated.Last night as I was being cranky about everything I can't seem to accomplish I reminded myself I am a freaking half marathoner! I can and have accomplished amazing things. I can push thru and keep going when everything inmate is telling me to quit. I am capable of so much more than I think I am.  I finished 13.1 miles on my own two feet. The Tinkerbell half seems like forever ago. For weeks afterwards the fact that I completed it would be almost the very first thing I thought about. I still feel like if I could do that I can do anything.  I just need to remind myself of this more often.

I was talking to hubby about how I am a BIG picture person. I can see the end goal so clearly, I can taste it. But when it comes to the daily grind of things I have to do to get to said goal, I freak out and always figure one more day won't make a difference. But as I've said before days turn into weeks.  I sometimes miss how a week used to fee like it lasted FOREVER. When you are a kid, the school year felt super long and summer and Christmas took forever to get here. Now we live in the grown up world were time flies and we never have enough of it.  Before another year has come and gone I need to make the decision and do the daily NEED TO, to get the goal I WANT TO.

Something I am super proud of from this last week is the fact that including today I've been to the gym 3 times and 2 of them were before work on a Monday morning!!  I am not a morning person!

When I tell hubby about goals to get up and work out before work he says I love you and you should but are you going to? And I would respond probably not.  This morning I got up at 5:45AM. I have not been up at that time since we went to Disneyland for the Tinkerbell Half. And the urge to text a quick: I can't make it, I'm sick or something, so I can stay sleeping, was there and it was strong.  But I knew my trainer would be waiting for me and I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, avoiding work outs and weigh ins and over eating.  It may seem simple to most to get up and get to the gym but I am ridiculously proud of this.  Asked my trainer for some accountability with my eating because I am still struggling there. She will now be checking that at our appointments and I think that will help me because I am not willing to give up my training sessions I have committed to pay for, for the next 3 months so there is no avoiding her and being accountable. The only option is to  be accountable and start eating right.