The Fog

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. A lot of going back through my previous blog post and reading them. I re-read all my runs and they all feel like they happened forever ago.  Re-read when I got down to 169 Thanksgiving week and how proud I was of myself.  I am struggling now to even stay on a diet for 2 days. I went to the Dr. the other day and my BP was 188/105,  THATS NOT OK!! They started freaking out like the Dr the Nurse all were asking me about my BP meds. I told them that I hadn't taken them for about 4 months because they refused to refill until I came in and I haven't had a chance to. They sent in a refill on the spot.  And at a follow up apt my BP was 133/88 a much better number. I told my Mom and Hubby that if I don't get healthy one of these days I am going to go to the Dr. and it is going to be more meds or some bad news and then I'll really freak out. While at the Dr. I also got my depression meds restarted.  I've been needed to do this a long time ago.

I have been battling with my depression allot and not winning the battles. I started wondering how long I've been off my meds?  I felt like it was just before we moved but looking back through my posts and I think I went off my meds a year ago! O_O  I had written a post about how well I've been doing off my meds last May. I was doing really good until I stopped working out all together when I broke my pinky last September.  Since then I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I've known for a while I need to be back on my meds, and the last 2 times I've tried I ended up with  sever anxiety around day 3-5 and my panic attacks got so bad I stopped taking it. When I am depressed I am in a constant fog. Some days the fog is thicker than others but it's like I can't see where I am going or what is coming at me, so I stop participating in my life.  I just sit and wait for things to find me in the fog and things that everything that comes up is overwhelming. The fog had gotten so thick I couldn't process any stress.  I started up on my meds again on Thursday and the fog is starting to lighten up. I can see at least a few feet in front of me now.

With all the reflection and rereading of old blog post I now realize every time I've had success on losing weight I've been medicated.  Each time I started doing comes after my post get less frequent and a my few post are from the depths of despair.  Then the post start coming more frequent and they are in a much more positive light and I remember oh thats when I went back on meds.  While being on meds is not my favorite thing it seems to be very necessary a this time. Hopefully I can make it through the super jittery stage for this first week to week and half and keep this going to get my hormones back in balance.

The quitting zone.....

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. You're leaving the land where you were motivated and determined, you have crossed over into.......The Quitting Zone. *plays twilight zone music*

A day an half ago was my official start date to my 21 day challenge. Slight problem was Sunday was the day I was going to spend all day meal planning, grocery shopping and food prepping and as it always seems to something came up.  So NONE of this happened. I was so frustrated and refused to think that delaying the start of this diet was an option because it is what I always do, put it off and then never start. So gosh darn it, I started my diet anyways!!

I got thru day one ok, and went grocery shopping and but wasn't able to get to one of the stores I needed just because it was getting to late.  I figured I had the next day off and I would go right to the grocery store after I dropped my oldest off at school. Well like before things came up. One thing after another until we never made it to the grocery store at all today and I made it thru breakfast and lunch was a bit of a stretch and by dinner diet was done. I had entered the quitting zone.  Normally when this happens I will start to make plans to start again next Monday or maybe now after I finish my antibiotics I am on since they are reeking havoc on my gut right now. But this time I am going with my favorite quote from Anne of Green Gables; "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."  I am still reading the 5 habits of a woman who doesn't quit and today when I reached the quitting zone I did start thinking about what I've read so far.  The hardest thing for me is and has always been not just giving up, planning on starting at another time and spiraling down into depression that I failed yet again.  I am trying my hardest to remember that a few off days will not ruin the whole goal.  It may delay it but it won't stop my from reaching it as long as I get right back up.

Caught on camera

Today was birthday party day for our boys. They are born almost exactly 4 years apart, so birthday parties so far are a joint thing.  I normally take the photos but my Mom took videos of us singing happy birthday to the boys while they blew out their candles.  And there I was in the corner of the video.  In one of my precious Disney 2XL shirts that my brain told me just days ago I didn't want to lose too much weight because they won't fit anymore. 

After a day of putting on two parties my body hurts, my feet hurt and I am utterly spent.  My body is not healthy, my body can't seem to handle simple tasks anymore.  Whether it be a day of cleaning, grocery shopping or putting on parties for my boys my body gets angry and it tells me so. A little over a year ago I was only 10 lbs lighter but I was training for my half. And while I didn't lose any weight while training I can see the difference in my body so much now.

 While I was still over weight, I was in such better shape.  I could do a 10K and feel fine all day long. Now a 5K feels daunting. I miss who I was when I was running.  I miss feeling a little bad ass because I could go for such distances. My body did hurt then but for other reasons and I was still over weight and my body hurt after a run from my weight and my muscles were sore from being pushed. My clothes fit better I felt better.

Here I am on the cusp of a new chance for change and I am scared to death.  I got my 21 Day fix package in the mail and have a friend that is starting it with me on Monday. I belong to a support group on Facebook and I have all day tomorrow, with no plans except to prepare for Monday. Let me repeat I am terrified.  I know that this brings change and even though I know it is change for the better it is still change and I don't like change.  But I am slipping further and further into unhealthy ways, gaining weight and my highest weight keeps on going up slowly but surly.  My current path is well worn, well known, dependable but this path leads to type 2 diabetes, more blood pressure medication, acid reflux causing scaring of my esophagus, more body aches & pains, depression, anxiety, laziness and I am sure there are more negatives of bad health I haven't even seen yet like sleep apnea and/or high cholesterol.  The new path is overgrown, just starting will take hard work and the further in you get it doesn't get easier.  This new path comes with good health,

This proves how screwed up my brain is.....

Lets all agree that any, all and every purchase of exercise equpiment, work out DVD, gym membership or new diet program are emotional buys.  Whether we are depressed and feeling like we have to do something to save our skin or we are excited about that possibilities that come with these purchases it is always an emotional buy.  After the excitement of ordering the 21 Day fix started to wear off, I tried to do some math to keep me motivated to figure out just how much weight I could lose.  The program claims up to 15 lbs loss in 21 days.  I will stick to my conservative goal of 2 lbs a week. As I said in my last post we've put our selves on a  wait list with our Timeshare for a November trip to Disneyland.  So I added that date to my math to see what I could lose by then. That time frame would give me 6 full rounds of the 21 day fix.  Very quickly I heard my thoughts as if I was speaking out loud. you can't lose too much weight, all your Disney clothing, shorts, capris, won't fit and yo udon't have money to buy news ones. I thought well crap what will I wear if I need to buy new shorts in the middle of winter.  The next thought I had was one of disbelief. I just caught myself talking myself out of losing weight because of clothing I have that are size 2XL.  I was talking myself out of health for a Mickey Mouse shirt and shorts!! WTHeck is wrong with my brain??

I stopped myself because it wasn't just a fleeting thought, it was taking hold of me and made me honestly consider waiting to lose weight.  About a half hour later while eating some candy I had another loud thought: I can't diet because I want to be able to eat yummy Disneyland food with out being sick on vacation. If I've only been eating healthy food and then  want a Churro, it'll make me sick.  I kid you knot these were legitimate concerning thoughts that both times had me second guessing this whole thing.   Thank goodness I am very aware of my self sabotage right now.

Trying something new....

I have expressed my frustrations with my ability to stick to diets. Weight Watchers work but the weekly points tend to give me an opportunity to over eat, I don't tend to make the best choices, then I gain weight and then I quite.  I've tried to get going with a combo of Advocare and WW and have yet to succeed.  I've bought two body bugs, two fit bits, heart rate monitor watches, I've joined JillianMichales.com, fitness pal, weight watchers, drank omitrition tea, and LA Weight Loss. I want my LA Weight loss back. I loved that program and it seemed to work so well for my brain.  They have an LA weight loss at home program but it is $200 a month just for the bars and tracking info an that is too much for 30 protein bars. I started searching for a similar tracking system as LA weight loss and even started to make my own cause I just couldn't seem to find one. I just wanted something similar that would tell me ok you get 3 proteins a day and a portion= 6 oz and once I eat them I check them off. I could always look at the end of the night and be like well I have a condiment and veggies left for the day time for some carrots and ranch.   There was not as much wiggle room but I still was able to get a treat twice a week by swapping a protein for a "carb craver" and that got me pizza and stuff. It was the best mix of restriction with out being so strict I quit. Today while searching for diet tracker stickers for my Erin Condren Planner I gasped as I saw something that looked like LA Weight Loss tracking. I got excited thinking I may have finally found what I've been looking for! The stickers I saw are for the 21 Day Fix by Beach Body.  So I started researching and comparing LA Weight Loss and the 21 Day Fix and they are extremely similar! I've been told in the past to avoid beach body like the plague because they sign you up for auto ship of Shakology and it is a nightmare to get it canceled. But I know have a couple friends that are beach body coaches now so I felt better about buying it from them instead of from the infomercial or website.

Some of  you maybe thinking: why try something else when you already blonde to WW and the gym. And I agree that while ANY of the other programs I tried through out the years would have worked just fine if I stuck to them.  This thought used to upset me to no end because I know if I just stock with any of them I'd be good. But now I wonder if everyone needs to find here niche that works best for them.  While the new WW program is basically eating the same foods as on the 21 Day fix it is a different way of tracking. It will provide me with less options with out taking away everything. Both WW and the 21 Day fix are about people learning how to eat things in moderation and that is how I truly believe we should eat.

LA weight loss was a great plan for me and I was down 30 lbs on that plan and maintained it for almost a year and then I started gaining it back.  LA weight loss never dealt with the core of your fatness so to say.  I never learned why I emotionally ate and it wasn't until very recently that I figured out why I have.  WW has the new beyond the scale part of their program to help people deal with the root so they don't go back to their old ways.  I am not sure how beach body addresses it or if they even do but I know I need to deal with them and I've already started reading some great books and that combined with prayer and the support of my hubby I think I am finally going to address the root of my overeating.

My negative thoughts have beat me up so much inside I have no self worth left.  I know now that my fear of what others were thinking of me was attributing to my negative talk.  I've been telling hubby for a few months now that maybe it is just because I am getting older but I am getting so sick of carrying what other people think about me all the time.  He thinks I never should have in the first place. My Mom was and is a people pleaser, wants to make everyone happy no matter what it takes.  I have gotten than trait from her and so when people say negative things about me it really effects me.  I don't play that game, I won't speak the "truth" as I see it about anyone because everything is about perspective. And only god truly knows every detail of every situation.  Because I am a people please I get left out and forgotten, canceled on because "we knew you would understand".  It is human nature to be all about what is best for you and I have always been about what is best for everyone else.