What a day. Started with a weight gain, albeit small but still the scale moved up. Proving the voices in my head correct. Then work was just awful, full of stupid people. Add the fact that I am super anxiety girl right now. The new school year starts for my oldest tomorrow. This includes getting all the proper life saving medication and paperwork needed for the school. My sone has a severe peanut allergy and requirers an Epi pen. My anxiety and worries about if he comes into contact w/ peanut butter while on the playground. He had a horrible habit of putting this fingers in his mouth. Cause one of the main things at the lunch table are pb&j and the school even gives them out. So I worry ALLOT!! Nothing happened last year and he has yet to have another incident since his first one right before the age of 2 but that was one of the worse things ever. Anyways then next week my youngest starts preschool. My baby is going to school. *tear* He has never been able to even stay in Sunday School but he seems to be excited about school. I really hope he likes it but I am SO STRESSED about it. So with all this what do I want to do. I want to STUFF MY FACE. Today I reached my I don't care at all if I eat and gain the whole 5 lbs of weight loss back. I started texting DH & BFF. All caps texting about how I WANT TO QUIT!! I AM DONE!!! Poor DH all he can say is I love you. BFF was worried too, she then texted me later with "You aren't cheating are you?" I did eat out twice today but stuck to the rules. Went to Taco Time and got a chicken soft taco lite in a whole wheat tortilla. We went to Red Robin for dinner and I had a teriyaki chicken burger no bun, no mayo with a side salad. Didn't even touch one french fry.
I still can't tell you how I didn't lose it and give up cause I don't know how. I had also texted my Mom about my frustrations today and then after work I called told her how horrible my day was and I wanted to quit and go to Cinnebar. When I go to cinnabar I normally eat: potato skins, philly cheese steak sandwich, fries and a big fat browning for dessert. My Mom's interrupting response was Sorry I can't babysit. I had to tell her well I am not asking, just venting. At first I felt a little offended that she just assumed I was quitting but it reminded me how this is my normal cycle. My Mom can't be at fault when I've been doing this for the last 7 years. Starting and quitting with a bang binge. We are just under a week in and this is what I do. The belief in myself isn't really there yet. It is a battle everyday, and todays battle was epic. Tomorrow with school starting I have 3days left and I have to drink the fiber drink each of these days. I can't stand that stuff.
Part of my frustration is I've been feeling so deprived of my favorite foods because this is a cleanse process so you have to take that all out. Today I decided that I am going to go back to tracking points with weight watchers while I take my Advocare vitamins. Then I feel like I am tracking what I am eating and know I am staying with in a certain boundary of calories. I know with weight watchers it is a slower weight loss process but I'd rather not have have this urge to binge like I am having now. That is one of my favorite things about Weight Watchers is how they train moderation. And I need help with that. But I think that this cleanse is helping with that. Hopefully tomorrow will go better than today. I have an early start to make breakfast and get my oldest off to school, I was suppose to run today but didn't so I need to run tomorrow. Then I have to start my new horrible shift at work. 12:30-5:30. Everyday is like you have the day off…….just kidding. This will work well for my child care and my kids schedules. So the misery of this shift is the price I have to pay. This is also adding anxiety. *sigh*
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